Words of Affirmation

Written by Rian Gordon

Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 4

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

If you have ever been called a name or been the victim of gossip, you will know that this is a downright lie. Words are powerful, and words can hurt! Luckily, words can also heal. They can bring hope and encouragement. They can express and strengthen love and commitment. The positive power of words is the essence of Dr. Gary Chapman’s first love language, and the topic of our discussion today: Words of Affirmation.

Affirming words build our partner up. They validate, give emotional support, and uplift. Dr. Chapman suggests several different types of affirming words that you can use regularly to help your spouse feel loved:

Compliments

Giving sincere verbal compliments can brighten anyone’s day – especially when that person’s love language is words of affirmation. These words of appreciation and love are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements, such as:

“Thank you so much for clearing out the sink before you left for work this morning. That is so helpful to me, and I really appreciate it.”

or:

“Sweetheart, I love how safe and comfortable I feel around you. You always help me know that it’s okay to be myself.”

or even:

“You sure do look handsome in that suit tonight, babe!”

The other night, as I was getting ready to nurse our little boy, my husband Mark looked at me and said, “Thank you so much for taking care of our son, and for making sure to take care of yourself as well. It really means so much to me.” This little compliment made me feel so special and validated. I had had a very busy and exhausting day, and just hearing those words alleviated my stress and frustration.

You never know the impact your words could have on someone you love. When was the last time you told your spouse something that you loved or appreciated about them?

Encouraging Words

Another variation of words of affirmation is giving your spouse encouragement. Everyone struggles with insecurity in some shape or form, and you never know how meaningful your words of love and support might be to your spouse in helping them have the confidence to explore their own potential.

It’s important to understand that encouraging words should focus on giving your spouse support and praise that focuses on their desires and dreams – NOT on something you wish they would do, like, “Honey, you know what I think you would be really good at? Doing the dishes.” Gary Chapman describes it in this way:

“Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.” – The 5 Love Languages, pg. 42

Encouraging words should show your partner that you believe in them and their abilities. They should reassure your partner that no matter what, you will be there to support them and cheer them on.

Kind Words

Speaking with kindness does not only apply to the words we say, but to how we say them. When we use kind and loving words combined with kind and open body language and tone of voice, our message of love is far more likely to shine through, leaving less room for confusion or miscommunication.

Interestingly enough, we can also share difficult thoughts and feelings with our partner in a kind way. Discussing with them our hurt, pain, and even disagreement or anger in loving kindness can be an intimate expression of love. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of every relationship, and when it is handled using kind words, it can bring couples closer together rather than driving them apart. (For more thoughts on handling difficult topics in healthy ways, check out our post here).

Humble Words

Using humble words can help to build trust and unity in a relationship. One way to speak humbly is to ask your partner for help. Making requests of your partner (rather than demands) shows that you feel they are capable and have something to contribute. It also honors their choice – we need to know that we can say no! Love is meaningful because it honors choice. When that freedom to choose is taken away, love is no longer a part of the picture. Humbly honor your partner by expressing appreciation for their choice to love you and work at your relationship.

Getting Creative

There are many other ways in which we can affirm our spouse. Here are some different ideas to help you get thinking outside the box:

• Say something nice about your spouse behind their back – to their friend, their sibling, your kids, or even your mother-in-law! Practicing words of affirmation even when your spouse is not around will help to make them more of a habit in your relationship.

• Set a goal to give your spouse a different sincere compliment each day for one month.

• Keep a words of affirmation notebook! As you watch tv, read books, listen to other people’s conversations, etc., expand your love language vocabulary by writing down the words of affirmation that you hear. Maybe even try using a few of them with your spouse.

• Write your spouse a love letter and mail it to them.

• Write down a list of your spouse’s strengths and read that list out loud to him or her.

References

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages (pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.