Many of us grew up believing that once we’re married or find a life partner, we won’t experience loneliness anymore. And then we grew up and realized that wasn’t the case. The reality is, no matter your place in life, loneliness is a possibility. Even the healthiest couples feel alone, at times, in their relationships. So, how do we cope when love feels lonely?
Resistance and Mindfulness
Ironically, on the day I decided to write about loneliness, I experienced an overwhelming lonely night. It’s as though a wave of isolation, shame and emptiness consumed me. Rather than resist these emotions by jumping to usual numbing tactics, I allowed myself to feel them completely (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999). I refrained from giving loneliness meaning, and instead, I just sat there with the feeling. What happened as a result? It, like all emotions, eventually passed. When we seek to understand our feelings rather than avoid them, they come and go as vibrations in the body. According to life coach Jodi Moore, “when we resist negative emotion, we intensify it” (Moore, 2015). Part of mindfulness is observing our emotions instead of judging them. Researchers have found when dealing with negative emotions it is more helpful to ask “what” rather than “why” (Kross, Ayduk & Mischel, 2005). There is a difference in “I feel lonely” and “I feel lonely, therefore, I must not be lovable, worthy, matter, etc.” Understanding our emotions without identifying with them is a leap toward emotional freedom. In times of anxiety ask yourself “what am I making this mean about me? Is that how I want to feel?”
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Letting go of control to seek awareness is a paradox to our survival instincts. We begin life dependent on external sources to quell our loneliness. As we become independent, our modern brains grow in reasoning. However, when the mind detects danger, our primal brain wants to protect. This is why when we experience negative emotions in our adult years there is often a sense of fear and urgency. Remember that your brain is just doing its job to protect you. When loneliness and fear of loneliness come up, be mindful that yes this hurts or feels uncomfortable, but is not life-threatening (Well, 2017).
Connection and Vulnerability
Sometimes loneliness catches us by surprise like in my recent experience. Other times it’s created by a buildup of emotions and unmet needs. Some researchers define loneliness as “a discrepancy between actual and desired interpersonal relationships” (De Jong-Gierveld, 1989). Meaning there is a lack of personal or social support and intimacy. When we feel lonely, we may be lacking connection, which can be found in many ways. Connection with self, others, the earth, a higher power, etc. Things like getting out in nature, taking a hot bath, meditating, talking with a friend or family member, praying, and reading good literature have all helped to ease my feelings of inadequacy.
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No matter the type of connection we are needing, the stipulation is vulnerability. Remaining open to uncertainty is a precondition for the intimacy that can dissipate loneliness and shame. “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection” (Brown, 2010). We all need each other in some way, and our networks can help us in lonely times. Having relationships is part of what makes life beautiful and dynamic. It’s easy to admire someone’s strengths, but we actually connect with their weaknesses. Yet, remember that outside sources, people included, are not a fix-all. It takes both self-awareness and compassion from others to get through difficult times. Using loneliness to fuel introspection can lead to many insights and discoveries (Hixon & Swann, 1993). Holding space for others and holding space for yourself can co-exist, despite what we may have thought.
Right vs. Happy
Often times loneliness appears in our exchanges due to disagreements. Not seeing eye to eye is completely normal and inevitable in any relationship. The only person who thinks like you, is you. While conflict is good, and sometimes part of our path to connection, it can also create more feelings of separateness within partnerships. I’ve witnessed topics like raising children, religion, politics, diet, money, education, career and many others pull people apart.
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I know a couple with different beliefs that have managed to put being happy over being right. The wife is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), and her husband isn’t religious. Her husband has fully supported her dreams, even though he does not share his wife’s beliefs. She has completely accepted who he is, without trying to change his mind or convert him. While both of them probably think that they are right in their personal beliefs, they maintain their own beliefs while still being kind and supportive of each other. When she went through an LDS temple to perform sacred rituals, he waited outside with flowers, embraced her and told her he was proud of her. It isn’t easy to allow space for difference or disagreement, but it is possible. When you feel lonely because of opposing views or ideas ask yourself, “What matters more to me? This person and our relationship, or being right?”
It’s Normal
According to Dr. Epistein, the feeling of separateness is inescapable, but it doesn’t have to be painful (Epistein, 2005). Because we are all individuals there is the potential for loneliness in every relationship.Remember, we’re not meant to feel good all the time. We’re meant to experience both joy and sadness. Take comfort in knowing that everyone feels alone at times, both in and out of relationships. The chances that others are feeling lonely are high. Know that loneliness is part of the shared human experience and there are likely people in your life with whom you can relate and turn to for comfort.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other.
Hixson, J.G. & Swann, W. (1993). When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 35-43.
Kross, E., Ayduk, A., & Mischel, W. (2005). When asking why does not hurt distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 16, 709-715.
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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other. 
