We all know that it is important to express love, and many of us do so on a daily basis. But when was the last time that you expressed appreciation?
Saying thank you was something most of us were taught to do as children. But when the to-do lists and the stresses pile up, it is easy to forget those two little words – especially when it comes to our partner.
If you have not sincerely thanked your partner in a while, you might be thinking, “But my partner never does anything. I feel like I am doing all of the work.” Or you might be thinking, “But I work so hard, and I never get any thanks. I am the one who needs the appreciation!” Those may be valid feelings, and you can certainly communicate a need for more appreciation. But just like your parents probably taught you – you can’t control other people, only yourself.
The absence of “thank you” can quickly create burnout.
It is hard for people to feel motivated to work hard in their relationship if they are not appreciated. Burnout is common in my field of work, and after working in a human services capacity for years, I believe that it is even more important in maintaining and protecting a romantic relationship. When we tell our partner that we appreciate them, a specific quality about them, or something they have done, we are telling them that we notice their efforts. When people feel that their efforts are being noticed they are more likely to exert more effort into protecting and nurturing their relationship. In fact, research has shown that gratitude can actually facilitate and encourage other relationship-building behaviors such as spending quality time together! (Bartlett et. al, 2012)
Thank-yous can be simple.
Expressing appreciation needn’t be elaborate. Saying thank you is perfect because it is both incredibly simple and intensely meaningful. It only requires you to notice. It can be as simple as, “Hey, it meant a lot to me that I came home from work to a clean kitchen. Thank you so much for doing that for me.” Or, “Sweetheart, thank you for being so selfless this week. You have done so much for us, and it means a lot to me.” Or even, “I know you didn’t want to come shopping with me tonight, but I really appreciate you coming with me. Thank you for spending time with me.” It can be that simple. It just requires noticing and speaking up.
Create a culture of gratitude in your home.
Ultimately, the more that you practice expressing gratitude for your partner, the more you emphasize it’s importance and the more likely your partner is to express appreciation for you. (Armenta, Fritz, & Lyubomirsky, 2017) Without that culture, people feel unwanted, ignored and unimportant. And that is a terrible feeling to have in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter). When people feel that way, relationships suffer as a result. When people feel appreciated, however, they also feel wanted, needed, noticed and important. And when that happens, individuals and relationships thrive.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
References
Armenta, C. N., Fritz, M. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2017). Functions of Positive Emotions: Gratitude as a Motivator of Self-Improvement and Positive Change. Emotion Review, 9(3), 183–190. doi: 10.1177/1754073916669596
Bartlett, M. Y., Condon, P., Cruz, J., Baumann, J., & Desteno, D. (2012). Gratitude: Prompting behaviours that build relationships. Cognition & Emotion, 26(1), 2–13. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2011.561297
Layous K, Sweeny K, Armenta C, Na S, Choi I, Lyubomirsky S (2017) The proximal experience of gratitude. PLoS ONE 12(7): e0179123. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179123
Leong, J. L. T., Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y. (2019). Is Gratitude Always Beneficial to Interpersonal Relationships? The Interplay of Grateful Disposition, Grateful Mood, and Grateful Expression Among Married Couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 014616721984286. doi: 10.1177/0146167219842868
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
