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Written by Dray Salcido
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Every individual matters. Every individual has a role to play. Every individual makes a difference.” –Jane Goodall
There’s a great discrepancy in human behavior. When asked, “what is most important to you?” most of us give responses relative to people and deeper meanings. “My children, my friends, my partner”, or “I’d like to make a difference in the world, to engage in important work, to help other people”, etc. When our actions don’t align with these values, we suffer emotionally and mentally. This is called cognitive dissonance. Understanding the way through cognitive dissonance and into heartful living may be the most important work we will do. Part 1 of this article discussed learning to accept our personal stories. To sit with ourselves and be okay with the inevitable, lonely times life brings is the first step toward wholeness. This second part of understanding the void explains that once you’ve taken that step of belonging to yourself, then you’ll generate authentic connections with those around you. Healing our inner worlds will prepare us to heal our communities as well.
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Don’t Wait
Don’t wait for an easy fix out of emotional pain. There is a subtle difference between learned helplessness and vulnerability. Helplessness likes to play the victim, while vulnerability acknowledges what’s difficult, but true. Some of us confuse connection for codependency (Bacon et al., 2020). Acknowledge that to heal together and build thriving communities, we must first work on ourselves. The paradox is that the more you individualize your healing journey the more truly connected you’ll become to other people. You cannot displace your discomfort on others and call that connection or love. It’s avoiding accountability. It is selfish and prideful. Keep ownership of your struggles, and still ask for love and support—not for someone to take care of you. Don’t expect others to know how to respond. It would be nice if all people knew what to say, but the reality is they don’t. People are clumsy with uncomfortable topics and emotions. We have a lot of socialization to unlearn…so be patient with yourself and others. Time and effort will heal your pain. Find people that will cheer you on, or be a shoulder to cry on when the going gets rough. Don’t seek those that will try to take your pain from you, or keep you from suffering. Struggle is necessary, but we don’t have to do it alone.
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Give Back
According to Summerfield (2012), mental health can be more of a social issue than a medical one. He tells the story of a Cambodian farmer who became depressed after he’d lost his leg from a land mine explosion, and had to stop working in the rice fields. Upon recognizing his despondency, his neighbors and doctors comforted him and talked through his struggles. Together his community developed a plan to provide him a cow, so he could become a dairy farmer. The man’s despair eventually subsided because of the love he felt from his people, and when he found new purpose and meaningful work. We can learn three things from the story of this man.
1) Listen. Show sincere care for people in their struggles, and comfort them.
2) It takes effort and mental exertion to overcome our emotional struggles, or to work through grief.
3) We are stronger together than we are apart.
Remember that giving of your attention and care is about the other person(s), not you. If you give with the expectation of receiving, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Not to mention your love is conditional. Help others because you love them and because it feels good to give.
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Be You
Remember that there’s no one else like you. Shed the facade. Realize that you can’t do this work with a mask on. Humans have amazing, built in BS detectors. Stop lying to yourself and others, and just own your strengths and weaknesses.
Connection and community are impossible when approached from the realm of fakeness (Hari, 2018). Have you made attempts for connection but still feel lonely? It could be that you’re not being real or authentic. This will also take practice. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, ask trusted loved ones to shed some light on their perspective of you. This is a good starting point to authenticity, but remember that no matter what others say, you have to find that in yourself more than anything.
In conclusion, when we accept our own voids and the messiness of life then we’re ready to connect. Healing together requires many people choosing to heal themselves independently and loving each other for it. The best communities are built up of selfless yet self aware individuals with passions and dreams to do good. Be patient. Reach out and maintain accountability. Humans are social creatures that were never meant to be alone. You can do this important work, and inspire others to do the same.
This week get involved in the community. Try something that makes you uncomfortable. Become a volunteer at an agency with a population that you’d like to understand better. Take risks. Serve the homeless, volunteer with refugees, become a mentor, a tutor, etc. Do something that’s not about you, and you’ll find yourself in the process. Start and then keep trying to create vulnerable conversations. Be honest about your feelings, and avoid blaming. Remember: you’ll mess up and question yourself. Authentic communication takes time.
References
Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & McIntyre, A. (2020). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18(3), 754-771.
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression–and the unexpected solutions.
Summerfield, D. (2012). Afterword: Against “global mental health”. Transcultural psychiatry, 49(3-4), 519-530.
Dray Salcido
