Cover Photo by Yuvraj Singh on Unsplash
Written by Dray Salcido
“It’s funny how the absence of something is the heaviest to carry.” – Anushree Joshi
I’ve always had this emptiness inside myself. Perhaps you have too? There’ve been times when it’s just a faint whisper, and other moments when it’s all consuming. A couple of years ago I gave this lonely, longing presence a name: The Human Void. It’s that feeling of dissatisfaction that never fully goes away. That longing for something greater. It’s as if some part of you knows wholeness, but can’t seem to find it or maintain it long enough. Even if your life is fine, you may feel alone. Research suggests this is actually the appropriate response to an over individualistic and competitive society: it breeds disconnection (Hari, 2018). You are not broken, the world is. This emptiness can be hard to live with, but it does not have to be crippling. This article is part 1 of 2. The second will discuss healing our communities. This one will examine what the void can mean for us, and how we can become masters over our own darkness.
The void is a lonely feeling that surfaces whether or not you are actually alone. Loneliness is detrimental for overall health. One study explained that loneliness has the same effect on mortality rates as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015). According to Sapozhnikov (2019), unresolved trauma can lead to symptoms of heart disease, and obesity. Often, such prodromes perpetuate feelings of isolation that intensify the void. 80% of crisis calls are related to loneliness, and were highly correlated to suicidality (Heinrich & Gullone, 2006). And, in 1944 an, albeit unethical, experiment was conducted in the United States of withholding affection from infants. All the babies’ other needs were met, but most of them died merely because they lacked emotional connection. Essentially, loneliness is killing us.
I impart this information, not to create despair, but awareness. If depression is so toxic for us, then why does the void exist? The difference between the void itself and its effect on us lies in the meaning we give it. The void cannot hurt us. We hurt ourselves when we make the void mean something is wrong with us. The void is there to remind us that something is missing. Perhaps an unmet need, or a call to authenticity. The void guides us to what we really want. The void challenges us to reach out and connect. The void is a reminder of our humanity. Now, when the void creeps up, I sit in stillness with it. I imagine my void is like a small child that needs something. Rather than scolding it for existing, I try to listen to what it’s saying. This is uncomfortable, but has also led me to my greatest joys because of the realizations I’ve come to by spending time in the void. This poem portrays what it means to learn from the void:
I hope I am not strong like I once was-
impervious to myself.
I hope I am now soft;
able to take sorry by the hand
and walk with it for a while.
So, how can we begin mastering our own darkness? The answer is simple, but difficult to actually practice: embrace the void. Stop resisting it and stop giving it meaning. We can’t hate away our problems. Just watch, listen and observe. Redefine your relationship with the void. Let it take you from hurting to learning & healing. Remember that the “truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one” (Doyle, 2020).
This week listen to your void. What’s it saying? Be patient. You’ve been resisting the void for so long that your subconscious might not be willing to trust it. Keep listening. Hold yourself. Tell yourself, “It’s okay for me to feel this way; this is the appropriate response to disconnection, lost dreams and a broken world.” Ask for help. Embrace the void. There is wisdom and love through the darkness.
References
Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Dial Press.
Drinkwater, C., Wildman, J., & Moffatt, S. (2019). Social prescribing, Bmj, 364.
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression–and the unexpected solutions.
Heinrich, L. M., & Gullone, E. (2006). The clinical significance of loneliness: A literature review. Clinical psychology review, 26(6), 695-718.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Perspectives on psychological science, 10(2), 227-237.
Sapozhnikov, I. (2019). Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression-and the Unexpected Solutions: by Johann Hari. The Permanente Journal, 23.
Dray Salcido
