Cover Photo by Andres Ayrton from Pexels
Written by Tawnya Roth, Brigham Young University
I was quite certain it was cancer the moment I received the call. Despite the heartrending news I replied, “Come what may and love it.” Over the next few weeks, I learned how rare my tumor was, including the staggering statistic of a 38% recurrence rate after treatment. In an instant, it felt as if my current life was put on hold, and I was traversing completely unknown territory.
A diagnosis of cancer comes to many, but even those who never get cancer will almost certainly have difficult times in their lives. While challenging moments can be extremely tough, they can also teach us valuable lessons when we keep a positive attitude. My journey through cancer, as arduous as it was, became a meaningful chapter in my life as I learned to work through my grief, serve, maintain gratitude, and strive for hope.
Grief Can Be Helpful
During the ensuing months of treatment, I felt a roller coaster of emotions. There were days I felt calm and ready to conquer anything and other days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. This is a normal part of the grieving process we go through when we have a loss due to a severe challenge.
Take the time you need to understand your feelings of grief. Doing so can allow you to deal with the accompanying emotions from the loss your particular challenge brings. When you are ready, allow yourself to begin looking beyond your personal circumstances so emotional healing can begin and you can move forward. Some losses may take a long time to process, which is okay, but try to keep your mind and heart open to eventual healing (Ennis-O’Connor, 2018).
In the process, seek out those who can be helpful—family, friends, professionals or others who have gone through a similar situation. I learned the importance of seeking out those that can help when I did not feel helped by a well-meaning friend. I shared with her my fear about the ways the surgery would alter my face. Expecting empathy and compassion, I was disappointed when I was met with the response, ‘You shouldn’t worry so much about your appearance.’ Seek out those who will listen and allow you to grieve, which gives room for healing.
Faith Murray, a 17-year-old with chronic recurrent multifocal osteomyelitis, learned this lesson. Faith lives with severe pain most days. She said life can be really hard and it is okay to realize that, but at some point, you have to stop “sitting in the sadness” and look outside yourself so you can experience the emotional healing you’re seeking (Strive to Be, 2020).
Giving Can Be a Blessing
Faith stops sitting in sadness by serving others, which not only blesses the lives of those she serves but brings great joy to her own life. Giving anything—time, money, energy or even blood—not only benefits those around us, but can make us happier (Brooks, 2021). Serving others improves not only our emotional health but our physical health as well. In addition to lowering blood pressure, stress, pain and depression, individuals who serve tend to have a greater sense of purpose and satisfaction (Wells Fargo Advisors, n.d.).
Before each radiation treatment, I would change into a hospital gown and wait in the women’s locker room until they were ready for me. Most days brought opportunities to visit with other women. These women and I felt a synergy as we served each other, listening to personal stories, giving each other encouragement, and showing compassion. After daily treatments for six weeks, I was thrilled to be finished with radiation, but I also knew I would miss those sweet, understanding friends I met. Serving and being served can be a unique blessing to continue through grieving.
Attitude of Gratitude
Another way to stop sitting in sadness is to look for the good. Simply said, count your blessings. Gratitude brings healing to our hearts by improving our emotional health. Researchers studied the effect of gratitude on mental health patients, finding that those who wrote a letter of gratitude each week for three weeks had significantly better long-term mental health than other patients, even if they never sent the letters (Brown & Wong, 2017).
Surprisingly, gratitude can also improve our physical health. Studies show that counting blessings decreases stress, boosts immunity, improves sleep, lowers both blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and improves heart health (UC Davis Health, 2015). Gratitude is powerful!
When we have a grateful outlook on life, we see things we wouldn’t otherwise see, even hidden blessings. During my treatment, radiation was especially hard on my face, part of which was covered with sores and one eye was almost swollen shut. One day, after being reminded by my oncologist to keep my eye constantly moist to prevent permanent damage, I realized the swollen eye was actually protecting my eyeball. There it was, a tremendous blessing disguised as a trial that I wouldn’t have noticed had I not counted my blessings.
Hope Brings Peace
In addition to service and gratitude, hope was the foundation to my positive attitude. I used to think hope was a weak virtue. I would hope that it would not rain, or that something good would come my way, but those wishes are different than the hope that brings power and peace. I have learned over the years that hope is something coming from deep inside, and often requires letting go of what you can’t control. It is seeing reality while at the same time having a positive attitude. For me, hope is trusting that God’s plan is better than my own.
Hope depends not on the events in our lives, but on the focus of our lives, and can still be felt by those who don’t have a positive prognosis. There is hope that you can handle problems that come, hope in relationships, and hope that somehow everything is going to be okay. Hope can overcome fear and despair. I have heard people say that a person who died of cancer “lost the battle.” Dying of cancer isn’t losing—rather, we lose the battle when we give up hope. Hope is not sitting still while wishing your problems away—rather, it is knowing that every day, no matter what comes, there are good things in life: people to love, people to serve, people to inspire (Ashley, 2017).
Powerful Indeed
As illogical as it sounds, I look back on my experience with cancer and feel grateful for the wisdom I gained, and the continued hope I feel, even knowing my cancer may return. I have changed in ways that are good, and there are things I never want to forget. No matter the path life puts us on, when we let ourselves grieve, serve, have gratitude, and hope, we can find joy and happiness in ways we least expect—even in extreme trials.
Choose one of the above steps—grief, service, gratitude, or hope—to focus on and practice this week.
References
Ashley, J. (2017, July 25). A cancer survivor: Why positive thinking really matters. The Philadelphia Inquirer. https://www.inquirer.com/philly/health/a-cancer-survivor-why-positive-thinking-really-matters-20170725.html
Brooks, A. C. (2021 March 4). A counterintuitive way to cheer up when you’re down: When you need to get happier, try giving happiness away. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/making-people-happy-makes-you-happier-too/618190/
Brown, J., Wong, J. (2017, June 6). How gratitude changes you and your brain. Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain
Ennis-O’Connor, M. (2018, March 27). Grief, loss and the cancer experience. Patient Empowerment Network. https://powerfulpatients.org/2018/03/27/grief-loss-and-the-cancer-experience/
Strive to be. (2020, Nov 15). Faith Murray’s story: Overcoming adversity through service. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui1s0Mg_nTs
UC Davis Health. (2015, Nov 25). Gratitude is good medicine. Medical Center. https://health.ucdavis.edu/medicalcenter/features/2015-2016/11/20151125_gratitude.html
Wells Fargo Advisors. (n.d.). 7 Scientific benefits of helping others. Mentalfloss. https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/71964/7-scientific-benefits-helping-others
