The Power of Expectations

Written by Rian Gordon

A somewhat cynical person may claim that life is full of disappointments, and sometimes I think most of us would be inclined to agree with them. However, I think that a lot of the disappointments that we experience in our lives, especially when it comes to relationships, could be avoided by taking one simple step: adjusting our expectations.

Unmet Expectations

One of the most disappointing experiences in life is when we think something should go a certain way, and it doesn’t. In other words, we are frustrated or feel let down when we have unmet expectations! This is completely understandable, particularly since we are hardwired to set expectations from the time that we are infants (Wolsey et al., 2017). We develop “scripts” for how certain situations should play out – ie. feeding, bedtime, a doctor’s appointment, going to the store or a restaurant, etc. These scripts help us set expectations that allow us to feel comfortable and safe in the world around us.

Although having expectations can help us in many ways, expectations that are out of balance (too high OR too low) can also hinder our ability to have success in our romantic relationships. It is essential for us to learn how to identify what our expectations are, and to learn how to adjust them as needed in order to set ourselves and our relationships up for success.

Where Do Expectations Come From?

Expectations that we have when it comes to life, family, timing, and especially love can come from many different places. They often start with past experiences we’ve had involving our own family. This can be a blessing or a curse (or a bit of both) depending on the state of your family of origin (the family you were born into). Whether your parent’s relationship was full of love and respect, or anger and bitterness could really affect what you think your own relationship will, or should, look like (or even what you believe you deserve) (Dennison et al., 2014).

Similarly, the media that we are exposed to can heavily influence our expectations (Cole et al., 2018). The movies, books, magazines, advertisements, and even social media that we see constantly bombard us with how our lives “should” be – full of romance, passion, spontaneity, and happy ending after happy ending. Even though we are aware of the fact that real life is most often very different from what we are shown in the media, there is a part of us that still expects our experience to look like what we see on the big screen, or read in the tabloids. Being aware of this fact can assist us in making a conscious effort to have realistic expectations.

Finally, our past relationships can, for better or for worse, often color the expectations we have about our current and future relationships (Busby et al., 2019). As humans, we tend to think back on past experiences and use those experiences as a gauge for the value of our current experiences. It’s easy to look back and think, “My last boyfriend wasn’t this difficult!”, or “If only she was as good of a kisser as my ex-girlfriend”. However, it’s important to remember that we often look to the past with a nostalgic, “rose-colored glasses” sort of perspective. It’s easy to focus on all of the best parts of your old flings while comparing them to the worst parts of your current relationships. These skewed expectations can really make it difficult to enjoy the relationship you are in now, and it’s important to realize when you may be making these unfair comparisons.

Take a Personal Expectations Inventory

Because our expectations are influenced by so many different factors, it can often be difficult to change them, or even realize that they might need adjusting in the first place. Completing some sort of “expectations inventory” could be a great way to help you identify whether or not you have healthy and realistic expectations for yourself, your partner, and your relationship as a whole.

Here’s how you can do your own expectations inventory:

1. Sit down alone, and make a list of expectations you have about your current relationship (click here to see our list of possible expectations)

2. Rate each of these expectations as either “High” “Low” or “Reasonable”

3. If you have expectations that are too high/low, write down a plan for how YOU (not your partner) can take responsibility for making this expectation more reasonable

   Optional Steps

4. Sit down with your partner and compare expectations lists – Discuss where there may be differences

5. Have a discussion with one another about how you can better help meet each other’s realistic expectations

Roll With The Changes

Now, please don’t in any way think I am making the argument that you need to have incredibly low expectations for yourself and others, or that you shouldn’t expect a wonderful, satisfying relationship. Having expectations is a part of making your relationship the best it can be! The bottom line is, BE FLEXIBLE. Try to set expectations that are as reasonable as possible, and if you feel that something is still lacking, talk to your partner about what you are wanting! Working together to have realistic expectations can help you on your way to becoming a power couple.

References

Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & McDonald, M. L. (2019). Is it the sex, the romance, or the living together? The differential impact of past sexual, romantic, and cohabitation histories on current relationship functioning. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 8(2), 90–104. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000117

Cole, A., Leonard, M. T., & McAuslan, P. (2018). Social media and couples: What are the important factors for understanding relationship satisfaction? Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 21(9), 582–586. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1089/cyber.2017.0425

Dennison, R. P., Koerner, S. S., & Segrin, C. (2014). A dyadic examination of family-of-origin influence on newlyweds’ marital satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(3), 429–435. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0036807.supp (Supplemental)

Wolsey, J.-L. A., Clark, M. D., van der Mark, L., & Suggs, C. (2017). Life scripts and life stories of oral deaf individuals. Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities, 29(1), 77–103. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10882-016-9487-z

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.