Nearly anywhere we look, we can find lots of marriage advice – some good, some bad.
The quality and applicability of that advice varies based on source, but also simply because each relationship is unique. While some advice may be worth trying, the worst marriage advice is an age old comment.
“Never go to bed angry.”
This adage, repeated again and again, has some fundamental problems.
It suggests that in the face of conflict, one should resolve it in all circumstances, and be able to restore peace of mind before going to sleep. In theory, this sounds like a good idea. But it isn’t that simple.
When two people are engaged in a conflict, it is easy for emotions to run high, and that is normal. But late at night, when both parties are tired, those emotions run even higher and it is more difficult to be realistic and problem-solve. We are more likely to say something we will regret.
On the other hand, after a good night’s sleep – in the same bed – when both parties have been able to take a break and regulate their emotions, the conflict resolution can continue and is more likely to be resolved rationally and appropriately. Then the problem will not feel so overwhelming.
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Here is the one exception: going to bed should not be an excuse or a way to avoid your partner. This practice is not an avoidant one. Quite the opposite. It requires both parties to actively choose to take a break and resume the conversation in the morning. The attitude of “I’m just going to bed because I am done with you” will not work. It has to be an attitude of “We are both tired and upset. Let’s take a break and sleep it off. We’ll figure this out in the morning.” You’ll find that with the right attitude, the problem seems much smaller in the morning.
Doing this demonstrates an attitude of us vs. problem instead of you vs. me, and will help you preserve your marriage and the connection you each share.
During this, partners must sleep in the same bed. When one is required to sleep on the couch, it builds feelings of resentment and creates disconnection. Even in the face of conflict, partners can and must share their bed. By doing so, they demonstrate that their focus in the face of conflict is not on winning, but on solving the problem and fighting for their marriage.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
But not everyone loves it. I will admit – at first, I didn’t. Richard and I have had to establish boundaries.
Our jobs are fulfilling and remarkable. We work in different places on our campus, so we see each other only here and there throughout the day. Because we work in a social science field, with adolescents with a variety of diagnoses, strengths, and weaknesses, it is difficult not to take work home. We build relationships with all of these incredible teenagers (yes, we like moody teenagers; shocking, I know) and it is hard to leave that behind when we get home.
Whether you work together or apart, it is important to balance the two and make opportunities for clear couple time as well as debriefing and self care to recover after a hard day at work.
Boundaries Matter!
Richard and I have set specific boundaries. Our boundaries for balancing work may look different than the boundaries that work for others, but after research, classes, and trial and error, we have developed a plan that works.
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Richard joined the company I work at over a year after I had been working there. I was nervous that, instead of acting like my co-worker, Richard would be my husband and try to rescue me when I was trying to work with an angry student. I admit that the fiercely stubborn and independent part of me did not want my husband coming and taking over my turf. We both have strong personalities, and I didn’t want all my hard work to be diminished by the amazing work my husband does. So what did I do?
I communicated.
Communication is Key.
No matter what boundaries you establish to keep your relationship stable and a safe haven after a long day of work, communication is essential.
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Communicating my fears and stresses to my husband helped us define areas where we needed to establish boundaries. And since we have begun working together, we continue to communicate. It is not a one time conversation. We have frequent conversations as new situations come up.
When we get home from work, we communicate about our emotional state:
“I need time to decompress”
“I have a lot of adrenaline and want to use it to get things done”
“Can you rub my feet for about ten minutes?”
Or, if it has been a really hard day: “Tonight is a pizza and ice cream night.” Sometimes we actually have pizza. Sometimes we don’t. Regardless, it’s a code that tells the other person that we have had the worst kind of day.
Photo by Shane on Unsplash
Here are a couple of other tips:
Give your partner time to decompress.
Truly listen to the things that stressed your partner about their work day.
Allow your partner a set amount of time (we usually take 30-45 minutes) to relax before having to jump right in to home responsibilities. It takes time to turn off the work switch and turn on the home switch.
If you have a job that allows this, leave work at work as much as possible. At the very least, keep the work emails and calls to a minimum at home.
Set aside specific and regular date time. (We have Mondays and Tuesdays off, so we get all of our tasks done on Monday, and Tuesday is our date day. We run a few errands here and there, but we reserve as much of Tuesday as we can for couple bonding and self care.
Have alone time. This is so important! Just because you are married doesn’t mean that private self care isn’t important. We each have specific time for alone time in which we are not expected to get any chores done – it is time for us to relax and rejuvenate.
Trial and error. It takes time – some things work and some things don’t. Your relationship is unique and needs its own kind of customization.
Have a conversation about areas where you can improve the balance between work and home with your partner. Set up at least one new boundary. After implementing, communicate about how that boundary is working and make adjustments as needed.
References
Althammer, S. E., Reis, D., Beek, S., Beck, L., & Michel, A. (2021). A mindfulness intervention promoting work–life balance: How segmentation preference affects changes in detachment, well‐being, and work–life balance. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/joop.12346
Dee, A. D. A., Dizon, L. C. T., Aldaba, J. R. M., & Teng-Calleja, M. (2020). “Work is life”: An interpretative phenomenological analysis of the experiences of work–life balance among nongovernment workers. International Perspectives in Psychology: Research, Practice, Consultation, 9(4), 230–246. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ipp0000147
Dousin, O., Collins, N., Bartram, T., & Stanton, P. (2021). The relationship between work‐life balance, the need for achievement, and intention to leave: Mixed‐method study. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 77(3), 1478–1489. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jan.14724
Reverberi, E., Manzi, C., Van Laar, C., & Meeussen, L. (2021). The impact of poor work-life balance and unshared home responsibilities on work-gender identity integration. Self and Identity. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15298868.2021.1914715
Starmer, A. J., Frintner, M. P., Matos, K., Somberg, C., Freed, G., & Byrne, B. J. (2019). Gender discrepancies related to pediatrician work-life balance and household responsibilities. Pediatrics, 144(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1542/peds.2018-2926
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
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For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
Photo from pexels.com
For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
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6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
The #metoo campaign of a month ago left me thinking about my own experiences, and the experiences of many of my loved ones.
Sexual assault strips lives in a way that nothing else can, leaving a victim with an intense sense of loss, devaluation, confusion, pain, and often shame. Now that I have used the word ‘victim’, I want to stray from it, and use the term ‘survivor’ from this point forward.
There are many circumstances in which sexual abuse occurs, but because most survivors are abused as minors, I will speak about healing from CSA (child sexual abuse).
Seek Therapy
First, therapy is an important part of healing. Therapists can help survivors process through the trauma and make peace with it (Duvall et al., 2020). They also can work with the families of survivors to help them understand how they can be supportive and empathic while still maintaining healthy boundaries (Eék et al., 2020). This process is especially important when a survivor of CSA is preparing to get married, or enter into a significant, romantic relationship.
Photo from pexels.com
When one has been abused as a child, their beliefs about sex, pleasure and their body change. Survivors are at great risk of becoming either 1) promiscuous, subconsciously searching for love and attachment in unhealthy ways, or 2) abstinent out of fear, wanting to avoid sex altogether (Deliramich & Gray, 2008).
I know of a couple who had been married for twenty plus years. She had been sexually abused when she was a young child, and still, twenty years later, because she and her husband had not received any kind of treatment, having sex was a traumatic experience for her – every single time. Consequently, sex was a bi-annual occasion. Being able to be close to her husband was mentally draining. The couple began to see a therapist regularly. She was able to process through her abuse, and he was able to understand her needs, fears and the two began to develop a healthy sexual relationship.
For those who are preparing to have a sexual relationship with their partners, I strongly encourage premarital counseling (I endorse it anyway, but even more so in this case). A therapist will help the survivor be more comfortable with the sexual experience. He/she will also help the partner be more aware of the survivor’s triggers.
A note: therapy takes time. It is not a magical fix, and requires work. It does work, but only as much as you choose to.
Create a Sexual Script
I tell this to everyone considering becoming sexually active in a relationship, but it is especially important in cases of CSA. Create a sexual script. This script outlines in detail what sex will be like the first few times, from undressing, to foreplay, to penetration, and so on. Sex at first needs to be slow. It is not a race, it is about intimacy. Creating a script helps the abused know what is up – it removes the element of surprise, and therefore a significant amount of stress. It helps the partner know what is safe to do and not to do. This script minimizes the chances of re-traumatizing the survivor. And don’t worry, this script does not need to be followed every time. As the couple becomes comfortable with each other, and as a bond of safety, trust and comfort is built, there will be plenty of room for exploring. Having said that, communicate.
Communicate Needs
A couple’s sex life reflects the quality of their relationship. Conversely, the couple’s relationship directly reflects the quality of their sex life (Fallis et al., 2014). In other words, if your sex life is not great, your relationship needs repair. But if your relationship is struggling, your sex life could use some work. Being on the same page about sex is important.
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Sexual intimacy consists of two people, with vastly different needs and ideas. It is important that those needs and ideas are communicated.
As a survivor myself, I remember the first time I had a panic attack during sex. My husband did nothing wrong, though he thought he did and felt terrible. I remember him holding me and soothing me. When I was calm, I processed through what had triggered me and why I had felt unsafe. My husband did not blame me for ruining what could have been a romantic evening. He did not tell me to get over it. He was understanding, and asked what he could do differently in the future. After that terrifying experience, I found myself hesitating to be sexually intimate, not realizing that my not putting out was negatively effecting my husband, and consequently our relationship. He communicated to me that he wanted to feel close to me, and felt disconnected. We were able to have a conversation to help us get on track again. This worked, and our funk only lasted a few weeks because he communicated with me, and I with him.
Take Accountability
Survivors sometimes sabotage their relationships. The unconscious belief tends to be that because of the way someone treated them, they cannot trust others, and therefore others must be kept at a distance. Many also add to that working belief that they are damaged goods because of the abuse, and so who could really want and value them?
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
Survivors need to be aware of this, recognize when they are falling into this trap, and work themselves out of it. Sometimes processing through this with their partner is sufficient, sometimes it requires a therapeutic process. And sometimes, it just requires that the survivor pull himself/herself up, stop playing the victim, and get to work.
What it comes down to, is that a survivor is not responsible for their sexual abuse. It is not their fault. Period. That being the case, survivors are responsible for taking part in the healing process and relationships following. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control what you do because of it. Not allowing people to come close to you, or refusing to let yourself accept love, is an unhealthy, sad, and unfortunate choice.
Sexual intimacy is beautiful, and important. The bonding that takes place is unparalleled. A couple gets to create their own sexual relationship, and it always take time. The time is worth it.
References
Deliramich, A. N., & Gray, M. J. (2008). Changes in women’s sexual behavior following sexual assault. Behavior Modification, 32(5), 611–621. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0145445508314642
Duval, E. R., Sheynin, J., King, A. P., Phan, K. L., Simon, N. M., Martis, B., Porter, K. E., Norman, S. B., Liberzon, I., & Rauch, S. A. M. (2020). Neural function during emotion processing and modulation associated with treatment response in a randomized clinical trial for posttraumatic stress disorder. Depression and Anxiety, 37(7), 670–681. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23022
Eék, N., Romberg, K., Siljeholm, O., Johansson, M., Andreasson, S., Lundgren, T., Fahlke, C., Ingesson, S., Bäckman, L., & Hammarberg, A. (2020). Efficacy of an internet-based community reinforcement and family training program to increase treatment engagement for AUD and to improve psychiatric health for CSOs: A randomized controlled trial. Alcohol and Alcoholism, 55(2), 187–195. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/alcalc/agz095
Fallis, E. E., Rehman, U. S., & Purdon, C. (2014). Perceptions of partner sexual satisfaction in heterosexual committed relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 541–550. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-013-0177-y
Jones, S. L., & Hostler, H. R. (2002). Sexual Script Theory: An integrative exploration of the possibilities and limits of sexual self-definition. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 30(2), 120–130.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
The honeymoon is over. A few months pass. The sex begins to be a little less frequent, and you no longer want to spend every minute of the day with your partner. You have your first argument. Your partner stops sending you those cheesy texts while you’re at work. You stop cooking as much. Both of you shower and shave a little less. Marriage is not as fun as it used to be.
So the big question is, are you falling out of love?
And the answer is, no. You’ve just hit reality.
Reality in romantic relationships looks a little different for everyone.
The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to eighteen months, and after that, reality hits and you realize that your perfect partner, is actually not perfect. And the butterflies go away. They aren’t even replaced by moths. They’re just gone.
Now the good news, is that after the reality phase, there is this vitality phase where the dust settles, and what’s left is this beautiful, natural, and organic relationship that for the most part has a general, steady flow to it. It is solid, and reliable, and comfortable. But how do you get there? How do you get through the reality phase?
It’s important to remember that you have not fallen out of love. Love is a choice, anyway. It is a stage, and if you remember to choose love, it will pass. Here are some suggestions to help you.
1. Remember to choose your relationship every day.
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Love is a choice, and it does take work. That does not mean it is forced. It is life. My husband and I have made three commitments to each other, and they have made all the difference:
We will never hold sex against each other.
We will always sleep in the same bed, no matter how angry we are. (No sleeping on the couch!)
Divorce is a swear word and is not even to be joked about.
You chose to enter this relationship. Now you need to choose to stay in it. By choosing your relationship, you consciously choose to put your relationship above yourself, and your partner commits to do the same.
2. Listen.
As a couple moves through the reality phase, issues surface. People realize that there are things that drive them a little crazy. They also realize that there are some topics they are not on the same page about. It is important to slow down, listen to what the other person is saying, and try to truly understand their perspective. Validation, empathy and vulnerability are also important here.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
3. Focus on the positive.
Negativity will arise. After all, you’ve discovered that your partner is not perfect. And they have discovered the same about you. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is going wrong. But as a couple remembers the good things – why they love each other, and what they love most about being in that relationship, questions about whether or not they are still in love dissipate.
Photo from pexels.com
4. Nurture your romance.
Your romance has to be nurtured or it will die. We have some suggestions for that too.
Photo by Dahiana Waszaj on Unsplash
Keep courting your partner. I know that is an old fashioned word, but I mean it. Court your partner. So many people stop consistently dating when they get married and begin living together, especially when there are children in the mix. But it is so important to make time for dates. Take turns planning dates, and make sure you are getting at least five hours a week of quality couple time.
Add variety. When nothing ever changes, the relationship can become stale. Try a new restaurant, or turn on some music while you are cleaning the house together. Do something different. Add variety to your sex too. Changes in music, lighting, clothing, location and even positions and intensity can go a long way. Lengthening the foreplay is also important. In some area of your life, change something. Do something different.
Do the little things. In the end, it is the little things that can make the biggest difference. For example, last week, my husband and I were texting back and forth a little while I was at work. I told him that I was tired. My husband pays attention, and knew that I had been wanting to try a new energy drink that had just come out. He surprised me by showing up at work to bring me one. And a clean house is important to my husband, so I clean with him, but also make sure that on my day off, I do at least one thing without being asked to improve the state of the house.
There are certainly many other things – the possibilities are endless. Remember that the most important thing is not to give up. Reality does not mean you has fallen out of love – it is just reality. Keep going. Find your own ways to maintain your relationship. Remember, you and your partner get to create your relationship. Create a beautiful one.
References
Bao, K. J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation in romantic relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(3), 196–206. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17439760.2013.777765
Khoury, C. B., & Findlay, B. M. (2014). What makes for good sex? The associations among attachment style, inhibited communication and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Relationships Research, 5. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/jrr.2014.7
Marshall, D. W., & Anderson, A. S. (2000). Who’s responsible for the food shopping? A study of young Scottish couples in their “honeymoon” period. The International Review of Retail, Distribution and Consumer Research, 10(1), 59–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/095939600342406
Reese-Weber, M. (2015). Intimacy, communication, and aggressive behaviors: Variations by phases of romantic relationship development. Personal Relationships, 22(2), 204–215. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12074
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
