Love, Me, Mental Notes

Coping with Seasonal Depression

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes called seasonal depression impacts an estimated 10 million people every year (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Characterized by symptoms of increased lethargy, fatigue, depression, hopelessness, increased moodiness, changes in weight and appetite, increased sleep, and decreased motivation, SAD usually begins in the fall and ends at the end of winter when days get longer and temperatures rise. Risk factors include family history of mental illness, and having bipolar disorder, especially bipolar II. Women are 4x more likely to have SAD than men (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Having said this, SAD can impact people during the summer, but is less common. We’ll save that conversation for warmer weather and focus on winter SAD for now.
Winter can be hard for everyone, not just those with SAD. If you don’t have SAD but you find yourself lonely, sad, lethargic, or grieving during the winter months, these tips for coping can help you too.

Light Therapy

Bright light has been proven to be effective in reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, particularly when used two hours daily during the winter season. (Terman, et al., 1989). Light therapy helps regulate the body’s circadian phases by helping to regulate the body’s mood affecting chemicals and hormones (Youngstedt, et al., 2016). You can get light therapy lights on Amazon if you’re interested in giving it a shot.

Exercise

This is pretty obvious. Exercise increases endorphins and serotonin levels, helping to combat depressive symptoms (Leppämäki, et al., 2002). Increasing the heart rate is a great way to fight off feelings of hopelessness and lethargy and other symptoms of depression (Blumenthal et. al., 2012). Sometimes it can be hard to find the motivation, but don’t give up. Push yourself.
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Talk Therapy

As with any mood disorder, talk therapy can be effective in processing through depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness or lack of motivation. So if you’re feeling a “winter funk”, consider that maybe it really is a big deal. Seeking support and help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just taking care of yourself.

Vitamin D

Vitamin D is another way to help stabilize mood. SAD and low vitamin D levels are connected (Whiteman, 2014). Get as much sunlight as you can despite the cold, darker days, and increase food like fish, egg yolks, fortified dairy products and mushrooms. Consult a physician to take vitamin D supplements.
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Social interactions

Even though having SAD makes it easier to isolate and comes with a lack of motivation, getting out and spending time with friends and family is an important way to cope and keep that depressed mood at bay. When my husband lived in Alaska, he met a mayor of a small town who held a weekly dinner at his home and would make personal visits to the citizens of the town to help them feel valued and combat depression and loneliness. Citizens of the town talked about how much they appreciated having these weekly dinners, particularly during the winter.
When it comes down to it, depression, anxiety, bipolar, and SAD are serious mood disorders which are commonly comorbid (occurring simultaneously), so be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones. We all need love and care.
Personal Practice 11. Take time for self care.
2. Check on a loved one who may be struggling with any emotion or mental health challenge, not just SAD.

References

Blumenthal, J. A., Smith, P. J., & Hoffman, B. M. (2012). Is Exercise a Viable Treatment for Depression? ACSMs HealthFit. https://doi/10.1249/01.FIT.0000416000.09526.eb
Leppämäki, S., Partonen, T., & Lönnqvist, J. (2002). Bright-light exposure combined with physical exercise elevates mood. Journal of Affective Disorders, 72(2), 139–144. https://doi/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00417-7
Terman, M., Terman, J. S., Quitkin, F. M., McGrath, P. J., Stewart, J. W., & Rafferty, B. (1989). Light therapy for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Neuropsychopharmacology, 2(1), 1–22. https://doi/10.1016/0893-133x(89)90002-x
Whiteman, H. (2014). Researchers link vitamin D deficiency to seasonal affective disorder. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/286496.php#1
Youngstedt, S. D., Kline, C. E., Elliot, J. A., Zielinski, M. R., Devlin, T. M., & Moore, T. A. (2016). Circadian Phase-Shifting Effects of Bright Light, Exercise, and Bright Light Exercise. Journal of Circadian Rhythms, 14(1). https://doi/10.5334/jcr.137

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Project Parent

6 Ways to Help Teens Become Successful Adults

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
I work with teenagers – and I love it. Teenagers are my absolute favorite people. And I work with tough teenagers – the teens with drug problems, crippling depression and anxiety, the teens who are defiant and disrespectful and refuse to go to school. I work with aggressive kids. I have been called every name in the book. And yet, teenagers are my favorite. Seriously – they’re the best. 
So how do we help these young people become functional, contributing members of society, capable of maintaining relationships beyond a one night stand or sext? How do we help these young people be employable, gracious, respectful, and driven? It is no easy task, let me tell you. But here’s the reality – we aren’t just raising teens. We are raising men and women – we are teaching people how to become adults. Here are a few things I do to connect with my teens and help them manage their mental health, increase self-efficacy, and develop real-life skills.

1. Get on their level.

Yes, our teens are going to be adults before we know it. But that doesn’t mean they are adults yet. These kids are wedged in a terrible spot – their brains aren’t fully developed, they are growing up in a media-addicted, highly promiscuous world, they are ready to make all of these big decisions, but they’re not, puberty is a bear all its own, and then we adults come in and say “no” at every turn. It really isn’t a great place to be. So work on understanding.
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Make Urban Dictionary your friend. Urban Dictionary is a great tool for looking up all the weird new jargon your kids use. I use it any time I have no idea what one of my boys just said – then I can call them out if they’re being inappropriate, or I can respond appropriately. You don’t have to use the terms – by all means, be an articulate adult – but at least you’ll understand what they’re saying.
Do things that they like. Play video games, shoot the basketball, sit and watch movies, and just hang out with your kid. Sometimes teens are going to push you away, but it goes a long way when you can say, “Hey, you’re really good at this, and it seems really important to you. Tell me more about it/can you teach me how?”

2. Hold boundaries – and explain WHY. But don’t power struggle.

Holding consistent boundaries is essential. But when your angry teenager asks “why” you are enforcing a rule, saying, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the mom” is NOT going to help. At all. Don’t even think about it. Seriously. Stop. “We had a conversation, and I told you that if you couldn’t be home on time, you wouldn’t be able to go out this weekend. You chose to come home late, and so you won’t be able to go out. Let’s try again next week. I need to know that you’re safe, and having you home on time helps you stay safe, and helps you and I build trust.” Your teen might whine and cry and tell you you’re the worst person in the world, and that’s okay. Because it’s not your job to be their friend. It’s your JOB to keep your kids safe and help them become thriving, accountable, trustworthy adults. “Peter, I know you disagree with me. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree. You made a choice, and I need to enforce the consequences. I love you. I’ll give you some time to take some space, and later I’d like to check in with you again.”
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Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash
We all want to power struggle sometimes. Power struggling is turning the problem into you vs. me – it is forcing your perspective onto someone else. It’s guaranteed to fail. But don’t feel like a failure – we have all done it. It takes practice to identify when you’re power struggling and when you’re engaging in healthy conflict. But it’s so important. Be willing to put down the rope. Remember that even when your teen is absolutely pissing you off, it has to be you AND your teen vs. the problem. “Katie, I love you, and I have to keep you safe. That’s why you can’t be sending photos like that to boys, and that’s why I’m going to take your phone away for a little while. When you’re ready, I want to talk to you about this, but you seem too mad right now, and that’s okay.” Then you go calm down, scream in your closet, freak out, and self-care. Then go back and talk to your daughter about sexual safety, cyber safety, self-respect, and all the other really important things your kid needs to learn. 

3. Require your teens to pull their own weight.

Being a member of a family means that you pull your own weight. As a member of their family, your kids need to contribute. Doing dishes, doing their own laundry, helping prepare meals, sweeping the floor and making their beds are basic life skills. You have no idea how many 16-year-olds I have taught to sweep a floor, dice an onion, fold a pair of socks, and even make their beds. These are all things they will have to do when they live on their own. And it’s work before play. Require these things consistently – and if the jobs aren’t done, they don’t get to play video games, go out with friends, etc. “Andy, I need help with dinner. You can go out with the guys after dinner.” And if they’re friends are already there, put them to work too. “Hey boys, if you’re going to stay and hang out, I need one of you to set the table and one of you to help Andy chop veggies.” Super simple. And if they want to be defiant, kick the friends out. They can try to come back tomorrow. Teaching kids to work is healthy. It also teaches them vital self-efficacy which increases their self-esteem and decreases their depression and anxiety. Because when kids can DO things, they feel like more capable, successful, independent people.
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4. Spend quality 1-1 time with your kid.

Even if they don’t say it, teens still want and need connection with their parents and other authority figures. Life is hard and they need someone to confide in. Make sure you regularly spend time with your kid – give them opportunities to talk about anything, trivial or otherwise, and teach them about who you are – let them get to know you. If you’re really brave, you might even say, “What can I do to support you better? What do you need from me?” Most of the time kids will be pretty honest and have some really good feedback. Play tennis, hike, go to breakfast, etc. If you want your kid to listen to you, you need to listen to them. And if you want your kid to be better about hearing the word “no” they also have to connect with you in positive ways. Teens who spend quality time with their parents are less likely to participate in deviant behaviors, more willing to take accountability, and better able to build and maintain healthy relationships.

5. Expect mistakes. 

Your teens are going to mess up. They are adults-in-training, and they haven’t figured it out yet. Instead of freaking out that your kid messed up and worrying so much about the behavior, focus on the recovery plan. “Okay Andrew, you messed up. What are you going to do about it?” Often our kids will have ideas. And if we work with them to solve problems, they will learn crucial skills about problem-solving, integrity, accountability, respect, work, and forgiveness. When we approach this as, “You made a mistake, and there are consequences, but the bigger issue is, what’s your game plan now?” instead of, “I can’t believe you did that. What is wrong with you?!” we invite our kids to be honest and we show them that we are on their side. While we are going to hold them accountable for their poor choices, we are also going to help them through. Prioritize their growth, not their past choices.
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6. Don’t rescue your teen!

This is probably the biggest mistake I see parents make. It is the number one thing I re-teach kids. They are so used to being rescued that when I don’t rescue them they freak out. But don’t worry – with time and consistency it gets better. “No Emily, I can’t bring your homework to you. I’m really sorry you forgot it, but you are responsible for that. You’ll have to turn it in late.” “But Dad, I’m going to get a lower grade!” “I know, and that sucks. This is a great opportunity for you to learn responsibility.” Then you can help Emily with ideas: keep finished homework in your backpack, get up earlier, double-check your things before you leave home in the morning, etc. It is okay for teens to be uncomfortable – to need to sit with their choices, and to have to learn to clean up their own messes and deal with natural consequences. It is important and healthy. Let that be part of the process. It will save them in the long run. Because you aren’t going to be there when their human development professor won’t even accept late work and they are literally sprinting across campus their sophomore year of college to turn in a paper they procrastinated until the last minute. They have to learn BEFORE they get there. Having said this, of course you need to keep your kids safe – but I’m not talking about safety.
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And that’s really the great thing about raising teens – this is the time for them to make mistakes. They are learning how to become adults, and if they’re going to mess up, this is the time to do it. Much better now than when they have actual adult responsibilities. Teenagers are creators – they discover. They want to push the envelope, and they want to try new things. And that is so scary! But it’s also so wonderful. Because seriously, teenagers are the best. And I wish I had a credible citation for that!
Personal Practice 1Implement at least 2 of the above ideas with your teen this week.

References

Arbinger Institute, The. (2015). The anatomy of peace: resolving the heart of conflict. Oakland, CA. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., a BK Life Book.
Clarke, J. I., Dawson, C., & Bredehoft, D. (2014). How much is too much?: raising likeable, responsible, respectful children–from toddlers to teens–in an age of overindulgence. Boston, MA: Da Capo Lifelong, Perseus Books Group.
Heritage Community, The. (2019) Employee Handbook. PDF. Provo, UT.
Lamborn, S.D., Mounts, N.S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S.M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development 62, 1049-1065. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01588.x
Lansbury, J. (2014). Setting limits with respect: What it sounds like. Retrieved from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/04/setting-limits-with-respect-what-it-sounds-like-podcast/

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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Power Couples

Reality in Marriage: What if We’re Falling out of Love?

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!

What is the Reality Phase?

Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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So what is love?

You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.

What’s next?

I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.

How?

Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
Personal Practice 11. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.

References

Anderson, S. (2018, June 10). Newlywed Crash Course – Dealing with Baggage. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/newlywed-crash-course-dealing-with-baggage/
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Fisher, H. (2016, February 13). The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher. Big Think. Retrieved February 3, 2019, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YP4n9G0qtQ
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Palmer, A. D. (2017, August 16). Are We Still in Love? Navigating Romance After the Honeymoon. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/are-we-still-in-love-navigating-romance-after-the-honeymoon/

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Love, Me

The Meaning of Meaning

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Written by Aubrey Dawn Palmer
Last year an acquaintance expressed a beautifully comforting sentiment: “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be ideal.” This person had been battling for over thirty years, what I have been battling for only three. He inspired me to learn to thrive within my pain rather than waiting to be happy.
Last week’s article addressed why happiness is not a viable goal, and how our lives can change when we replace a life goal of finding happiness for creating meaning. Today I want to provide some education on HOW to create meaning.
I have heard many people say that they don’t know where they are going in life. When we lose the things or people that bring us the most meaning in life, it can cause us to question everything. Some lose loved ones, fulfilling careers, are faced with infertility, serious medical illnesses, trauma or abuse. Our earth shatters and sometimes with it our sense of meaning. Some worry that they have never had a truly meaningful life and wonder where to even start. And some struggle to find meaning because mental illness or serious challenges cloud their view. They wait for the clouds to clear and the sun to come out before the meaning will present itself instead of learning to THRIVE WITHIN the storm.
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Photo by Tim Wheatley on Unsplash
As Alan Watts put it, “There’s no point in going on living unless we make the supposition that the situation of life is optimal. And it makes you realize how great things are.”
Emily Esfahani Smith (a researcher and journalist) studies meaning. She has an awesome Ted Talk that you can listen to here, among many other great resources. She outlines 4 pillars for a meaningful life: belonging, purpose, transcendence and storytelling. I will briefly go over each, but I recommend looking into each pillar in more depth.

Belonging

Belonging is all about being valued for who you are intrinsically and valuing others equally. Remember that cultivating belonging is a choice (Smith, 2017). Belonging is not about having a whole group of people to run around with, or a ton of friends. “Belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself, but it’s also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself above all else. …The opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, who do I need to be….and changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are, it demands that we be who we are” (Howes & Brown, 2017). Lead with love to lift both yourself and others. Brené Brown described the ideal in an interview: “I belong everywhere I go no matter where it is or who I’m with, as long as I never betray myself. And the moment I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere” (Howes & Brown, 2017).
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Purpose

Finding your purpose is less about what you want and more about what you give. It is about more than just a job that makes you happy. It’s about using your strength to lift others. “Without something worthwhile to do, people flounder” (Smith, 2017). Increase the number of worthwhile things you do each day. This can be as simple as taking extra time to show affection to your partner or reading to your children. It can reach beyond you too – being more innovative to solve problems at work or home, volunteering in your community, learning something new that improves your sense of value, etc. (Barron & Barron, 2012).

Transcendence

Moments of transcendence are rare states when your sense of self dissipates and you can connect to a higher reality (Smith, 2017). Transcendence provides clarity of mind and soul, rejuvenation, and an expanse of one’s perspective. These moments can occur through art, religion, writing, music, dance, outdoor exploration, etc.
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Photo by Aliaksei Manlyx on Unsplash

Storytelling

Storytelling is increasing an awareness of the narrative of your life. Remember that you are the author. How are you editing your story? What do you want to change, and how do you use the previous chapters of your story to increase growth, purpose, healing and love? This can be about learning to thrive within the pain and struggle that life holds and doing something with it, instead of waiting for the moment when the storm will pass and we can be happy (Smith, 2017).

Try New Things

In addition to Smith’s four pillars, research demonstrates the importance of trying new things. In a recent (and very awesome) symposium I attended, Troy Faddis, LMFT shared with us, “Meaning is passion plus expertise plus your story” (Faddis, Barlow & Daley, 2018). So look inward. What are you passionate about? What is your story? What is your expertise? And when you add those up, you can find things that give you meaning. For example,  I am passionate about helping others, learning and teaching. My expertise lies in family life, romantic relationships, and healthy sexuality. I have a complicated family life and my story is one of trauma, healing and adventure. When I blend the three, I see very obviously areas of my life in which I have created meaning: The Healthy Humans Project, volunteering as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, cultivating a beautiful home with my husband, etc.
meaning graphic
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Life really doesn’t need to be perfect to be ideal. By creating meaning in our lives, we create a beautiful, ideal life worth living. We thrive within all of the pain and challenges that occur instead of putting our lives on hold and waiting for everything to be over. Because it will never be over. Life is about growth, and although moments and trials will pass, our journey towards becoming is a life-long one. So we ought to make something really beautiful out of all the loss and pain and struggle. Creating meaning out of the good and the bad makes it all worth it.
Write out the meaning equation discussed above (Meaning = Passion + Expertise + Story) within each of your roles. How does this equation look in your romantic relationship, as a parent, at work, and in your community?
Subscribe to our blog for a FREE DOWNLOAD to help you with the homework!

References

Barron, C., PhD, & Barron, A., MD. (2012). The creativity cure: A do-it-yourself guide to happiness. New York: Scribner.
Esfahani Smith, E. (2017, September 26). There’s more to life than being happy | Emily Esfahani Smith. Retrieved August 4, 2018, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Trdafp83U
Faddis, T., LMFT, Barlow, R., & Daley, D., SUDC. (2018). Nine lifestyles habits that lead to recovery. In Wilderness Therapy Symposium. Park City, UT: Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare Council.
Howes, L., & Brown, B. (2017, September 14). Brené Brown: Create True Belonging and Heal the World. Retrieved from https://lewishowes.com/podcast/r-brene-brown-create-true-belonging-and-heal-the-world/
Watts, A. (2018, February 27). Happiness is NOT the Meaning of Life – Alan Watts. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsdoJ9x8IBs

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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Project Parent

Talking to Your Kids about Sex: A Crash Course

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Written by Aubrey Dawn Palmer
Talking to your kids about sex is important, and it is not a one-time conversation. Discussing sexuality with your kids should be a relatively frequent conversation because the development and needs of children change as they mature. Growing up can be confusing, and talking about sensitive material can make parents uncomfortable. But as a parent, you are your child’s primary educator. What you say and what you don’t say teaches your children about sexuality, body image, and romantic relationships. Reflect: How do you approach touchy topics? What could you be verbally and nonverbally teaching your children? Here’s a crash course to help you guide your child through all the emotions and hormones and questions and relationships.

1. Remove the culture of shame.

Remember that as the parent, you are their number one resource for messages about sex. Like I said, what you say and what you don’t say communicates a lot to your kids. And kids are smart. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, your kids will sense that. If you freak out when your kids ask questions, they will stop asking and instead will turn to answers from Google and the locker room. My guess is that you don’t want that. There’s a lot of inaccurate information out there. The way you approach sexuality must be natural and comfortable to prevent kids from feeling ashamed of their questions and completely natural feelings changes in their bodies.

2. Answer questions honestly.

Provide age appropriate, honest, and medically accurate answers. In this climate, professionals agree that children should know the basic process of sex and its function by the time they are eight years old. When I tell parents this, some agree and some panic. That’s understandable. But the world is become hypersexualized. And remember, the average age of first exposure to pornography is age ten. If your child saw pornography, but had never had a conversation about healthy sexuality with you, their reaction to that stimulus could be negative and even damaging. By being honest about where babies come from, you remove shame and awkwardness as well as confusion and curiosity.
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If you are uncomfortable answering a question, practice in the mirror. Children hear some crazy things at school, and they are going to ask. Elementary school kids are hearing about R-rated topics from their peers. If you can’t answer their questions in the moment without losing your mind, thank your child for asking you. Then tell them that you want to talk to their other parent and/or do some research on how to answer their question. Give them a specific time in which you will follow up. Answer the same day if possible. For example, “Thank you for coming to me with that question. That’s a tough one. I would like to talk to your dad/mom about how to answer that question. I will come and talk to you about it after dinner tonight.” Then go practice giving your answer in the mirror until you are completely comfortable saying it and showing no degree of shock or anxiety. And follow up on time! If you don’t follow up, you may demonstrate to your child that you are afraid to have tough conversations, and that can close down that communication that is so essential.

3. Get comfortable using correct medical terminology.

It’s that simple. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. They are medical terms to describe parts of the body. Imagine if you called your elbow a hoohah. You’d probably be ashamed of it. Referring to parts of the body accurately helps to prevent shame and keeps things clear.
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Uterus is not a dirty word either! We need to stop saying, “the baby is in Mommy’s tummy”. It’s not. When I was a kid and my mother told me this, I was so confused. I pictured a little baby floating around in all of this digested food. I also knew that food turned to fecal matter, and so the picture of babies floating in fecal matter confused me even more. It didn’t make sense. A parent once insisted that it was impossible to explain a uterus to a young child. Watch this: “The baby is growing in Mommy’s uterus. It’s a warm place just for the baby to grow.”

4. Remember that sexuality is an important part of human life and is normal.

Again, this is pretty simple. As your kids grow and develop, they can be confused by the messages about sex that the world sends, images they see, things their peers say and do, and the way their bodies change. Be prepared to face these issues with them. They are growing, and their developing sexuality is a good thing. Help them see their sexuality as normal and teach them to make healthy decisions about their sexuality.

5. Talking about Sex is less about ‘plumbing’ and more about relationships and decision-making.

Most of us understand the basic anatomy and physiology of the digestive system. But does that keep us from downing too much sugar and ignoring the salad on the table? Sometimes. Apply this to sex. Just because you can identify the parts of the body does not mean that you are able to make healthy decisions about that body. Teaching kids – and especially adolescents – the basic process of sex and anatomy of reproductive organs is just not enough. Teaching kids how to make healthy decisions about their relationships and sexuality will make a difference. Help kids understand why and how to make healthy decisions. Help them learn to communicate, withstand peer pressure, advocate for themselves, and understand that actions have consequences, good and bad.
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6. Having these conversations early will help keep communication open through adolescence.

The earlier you begin, the earlier your children will trust you with sensitive topics. By openly communicating with your children early, you build a relationship and your children learn that they can rely on you to help them. Building that trusting relationship before your kids start dating and going through puberty will help that communication be easier when sexuality becomes more important than ever in your child’s life. If your children trust you, they will be more likely to talk to you about the good and the bad. And we need our kids to talk.

7. Be on the same page as your spouse.

Don’t leave it to the other parent to have the difficult conversations. These conversations do not need to be gendered. Mothers can talk to their sons; fathers can talk to their daughters. And mothers and fathers need to talk about their game plan together. How do you feel about dating? Modesty? Sex? What guidelines and boundaries will you set for your children?
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By being on the same page and presenting a united front, your children will see you as a family they can turn to if things go wrong, and will trust you to help things go right. Parents who are on the same page and have a plan create an environment of consistency, safety and trust for their children.Start talking!

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gordon, S., Ph.D. (n.d.). Why Sex Education Also Belongs in the Home. Retrieved July 30, 2018, from http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents/166?task=view
Hall, C. P., Ph.D. (2016, August/September). Teaching about Sexual Education. Lecture presented at Sexuality Education in the Curriculum in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Have you had ‘the talk’ with your teen? (2017, August 02). Retrieved July 31, 2018, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044034
Hill, T., LMFT. (2013, September 27). Sexual Intimacy. Lecture presented at Strengthening Marriage and Families Class in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Sex Education: Talking to your child about sex. (2017, August 30). Retrieved July 30, 2018, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20046025
Talking With Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Sex Education[Pamphlet]. (2006). Chicago, IL: National PTA.

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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