Cover photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash
Written by Tammy S. Hill, LMFT
In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
Ladies, believe your husband!
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
“Bring your head to bed!”
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Finally, do all that you can to love your body.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at