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Connection and Belonging: How To Create It and Why We Need It

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Cover photo by Anna Selle on Unsplash

Written by MaCall Smith, Brigham Young University
When was the last time you felt someone really listened to you, or you intentionally listened to someone else? When was the last time you had a deep desire to connect, to be seen, or to be understood? Brené Brown, an accomplished researcher in the field of vulnerability, said, “Connection is why we are here” (Brown, 2010).  She adds that we are “wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When [these] needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick” (Brown, 2022).
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The desire to connect and belong are a crucial part of what makes us human. Research shows that feeling connected with others helps to enhance our quality of life (Haslam et al., 2020), positively influences our mental (Santini, et al., 2021) and physical health (Eisenberger & Cole, 2012), and can even promote and stimulate learning in educational settings (Knifsend, 2020).
The question is, how can we create this type of meaningful connection? There is no one right way to create social connection, but here are a few helpful tips to get you started on your path to belonging. 

A-T-T-U-N-E

How often do we ask people “How are you?” never really listening to the response and never expecting them to say anything other than “Good, how are you?” What if instead, when asking this question, we listen intently? By truly listening, we set the stage for meaningful connection. 
It is equally important to show the speaker we are listening. John Gottman, one of the foremost marriage researchers in the world, uses the acronym ATTUNE to describe a healthy way for couples to communicate (Gottman, 1979). ATTUNE stands for: Attend, Turn Toward, Understand Nondefensively listen, and Empathize. This method of communicating is valuable in any type of relationship and helps to create a deeper sense of connection.
Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash
Attend- to be mentally present and give your undivided attention
Turn Toward- physically turn towards the person
Understand- ask questions, show genuine interest, and try to understand rather than giving solutions
Nondefensively listen- don’t interrupt or react, just listen
Empathize- let them know you value how they feel even if you have never felt it yourself 
Using these tips while listening fosters connection. As we focus on being both physically and mentally present, we show the speaker that we want to connect with them. As we empathize and physically turn towards others it helps create an environment where the speaker can feel that they belong and are not alone. Listening in this way allows us to get to know someone on a deeper level as they share openly. This cycle leads to further connection and belonging in both the speaker and listener.
Photo by NONRESIDENT on Unsplash

Be Willing to be Vulnerable

After we have created this sense of trust by listening intently to others, it is then important to share about ourselves as well. In my first few months of college, I remember feeling very lonely and that no one knew who I really was. I realized that part of the reason I felt so alone was because of my lack of sharing about myself. No one knew who I was because I was not willing to tell others about myself. 
Opening up allows others to see us more deeply. It is in these moments of vulnerability that connection is truly made. 
Now, this does not have to include telling someone your entire life story the first time you meet them. Rather it can start with little moments when you share about your day, your job, your family, your feelings, and eventually the things that weigh heavy on your heart or make you who you are. Sharing these important aspects of our lives is what helps us to feel connected and helps connect us to others. 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
As it turns out, it is in small moments like asking someone how they are doing that create connection. As we listen and are willing to be vulnerable, we create a sense of belonging, where both people can be completely comfortable in their own skin. As Brené Brown says, “True belonging… requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn to be present with people – without sacrificing who we are” (Brown, 2010).
Practice using the ATTUNE acronym in even just one conversation with someone this week. You may be surprised at the difference it makes in your ability to connect!

References

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown – YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Brown, B. (2022). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Eisenberger, N., & Cole, S. (2012). Social neuroscience and health: neurophysiological mechanisms linking social ties with physical health. Nat Neurosci 15, 669–674.  https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3086
Knifsend, C. A. (2020). Intensity of activity involvement and psychosocial well-being among students. Active Learning in Higher Education, 21(2), 116- 127. https://doi.org/10.1177/1469787418760324
Gottman, J. M. (1979). A couple’s guide to communication. Research Press.
Santini, Z. I., Pisinger, V. S. C., Nielsen, L., Madsen, K. R., Nelausen, M. K., Koyanagi, A., Koushede, V., Roffey, S., Thygesen, L. C., & Meilstrup, C. (2021). Social disconnectedness, loneliness, and mental health among adolescents in danish high schools: A nationwide cross-sectional study. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2021.632906

 

MaCall Smith is from Malad, Idaho and is a Junior studying at Brigham Young University. She is a Family Life: Family Studies Major with plans to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. She is passionate about understanding how to help everyone fulfill their innate human need for connection and belonging.
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Love, Me

The Beauty of Discomfort

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Cover photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

Written by Dray Salcido
“Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.” – Byron Katie
Few would disagree that training for a marathon is incredibly uncomfortable. Then why do people do it? Eating your vegetables isn’t as enjoyable as having a treat, but most would accept that it’s necessary. Staying out to have fun isn’t as important as getting enough sleep, and we all agree on that. Why? These dilemmas have obvious, physical repercussions that impact our well-being. In these situations we acknowledge that the discomfort of exercising, eating healthful foods, and sticking to a sleep regimen are preferred to the health problems that eventually develop from neglect. How do we apply this same understanding of necessary discomfort to the more ambiguous areas of life? The following suggests ways we can understand and cope with discomfort as it relates to our personal and interpersonal lives. 

What does necessary discomfort look like?

What creates discomfort is relative to the individual. Our unique experiences will shape our natural ability to endure difficulty. Necessary discomfort can look like defensiveness in a conversation about race, or gender. Sometimes it shows up in anxiety when speaking your mind as the minority. Another way could be asking for what you want in your romantic partnership. Perhaps it presents itself most strongly when you watch a child make choices with which you don’t agree. Many of us grow to be more and more avoidant in the face of fear. Avoidance is a deliberate refusal to change, grow and learn. To break this pattern it requires that we unlearn our conditioning. 
Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash

What can I do to grow from necessary discomfort?

We’re all aware of the reality of discomfort. A logical understanding won’t change the fact that it will almost always feel unpleasant. So, how do we cope with struggle, and fight against the urge to run from it? 
Give it a name and a purpose.
A great mindfulness technique is to label your emotional experiences. This helps a person gain control over their feelings. Let discomfort be your guide, not your enemy. When pain surfaces ask, “Why am I feeling uncomfortable?” “What am I making this mean about me?” “What triggered this?” Questioning your experience creates awareness. Next time you feel uncomfortable, list all your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Mindfulness practice has represented among the most effective strategies for coping with anxious thoughts (MacDonald, 2020). 
  • Sensations: increased heart rate, sick to stomach, tired, hungry, etc.
  • Thoughts: “He thinks I’m a bad person; She isn’t safe; I’m not enough;” etc.
  • Emotions: fear, shame, hurt, anxiety, sadness, anger, shock, disgust, etc.
Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash
According to therapeutic research, suffering is meaningless without a reason behind it (Frankl, 1984). Practice naming why your pain matters. I.e. “It’s necessary for my child to mess up in order to become a better person.” Or, “Speaking my truth is how I practice honesty, and honesty is a core value of mine.” Or, “All my heroes achieved great things by learning to suffer with dignity.” No matter your reasons, know that defining and giving meaning will bring beauty to the tragedy. 
Get over yourself.
Seriously, get over yourself. Understand that the greatest roadblock to growth is ourselves. Entitlement only gets in the way of seeing clearly. What made you above suffering? That is a basic, human condition and unless you’re an alien, superhero, or God, there’s no out for you. I don’t say that to invalidate the real pain that comes from struggle. The opposite. Knowing that we all share in this can unify our experience, and foster more connection. Avoid black and white thinking. Be humble, teachable, and open. Research shows that the single greatest factor for positive mental health is cognitive flexibility (Hepworth, 2010). Move with the discomfort, not against it. 
Tell your story.
It’s okay if you prefer to keep certain things close to your heart. Trust is earned and it is a privilege to hear one’s story. However, I do encourage that we share our experiences as often as we can. Speaking candidly about our discomfort is how we own our story, not the other way around. This requires more discomfort of being vulnerable and authentic. But, how else do you expect to receive support in your relationships if no one knows you’re uncomfortable except you? In one study, researchers found that sustaining uncomfortable dialogue was the essential factor in working through conversations around taboos like race, religion, and mental health (Sakamoto, 2005).
Photo by Joshua Sazon on Unsplash

What you can expect as you grow and change.

First, you can expect others to take personal offense at your resolve to change. One thing I’ve observed in my personal dance with discomfort is how uncomfortable it makes other people feel. This is a phenomena I don’t fully understand. Why not be happy for others when they grow? But, for whatever reason, your personal improvements will rub people the wrong way. You can expect them to point this out as if it’s some sort of failing on your part. Don’t let this keep you from trying. Rather, let it be evidence that you’re doing something right. Many of the greats were not appreciated during their time. Becoming yourself will disrupt the status quo – this is a good thing. Second, you can expect to have really hard days. There will be times when you question your own strength and abilities. Most of the time you’ll feel the urge to avoid, or indulge thoughts of self doubt. We’re not meant to feel good all the time. This is normal and necessary. It takes time to navigate discomfort. And third, it will be totally, totally worth it. The refiner’s fire is painful, but necessary in the making of gold. Believe that there is joy in hindsight. You’ll see.
Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash
Recognize that to resist the reality of discomfort is madness. It is also a battle you’ll never win. Spend your time listening to your discomfort, rather than actively working against it. Get out of your own way. Feel your feelings. Speak your truth. It’s all super uncomfortable and scary and uncertain, and there’s just no way around that. But, remember that “discomfort is a wise teacher” (Caroline Myss).  
This week, hold space for discomfort. When you feel defensive in conversations, practice analyzing your thoughts, emotions and sensations as described above. Count to ten before you respond. Be authentic with yourself and others. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, speak up! Then walk through why and what is creating your struggle. Give yourself grace, and be patient. You can do this!

References

Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York: Simon & Schuster. 
Hepworth, D. H., Rooney, R. H., Rooney, G. D., Strom-Gottfried, K., (2010). Direct social work practice: Theory and skills. Brooks/Cole-Thomson Learning.
Macdonald, H. Z., & Olsen, A. (2020). The role of attentional control in the relationship between mindfulness and anxiety. Psychological Reports, 123(3), 759-780.
Sakamoto, I., & Pitner, R. O., (2005). Use of critical consciousness in anti-oppressive social work practice: Disentangling power dynamics at personal and structural levels. The British Journal of Social Work, 35(4), 435-452.

 

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
 
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Power Couples

The Reckoning and The Rumble Part 3 – The Power of Empathy

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Written by Melissa Buckley of Learning to Thrive
“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis
As I have discussed in my previous two articles here and here, Brené Brown’s Rising Strong Process helps us move through conflict and emotions. Our final step is one of the most impactful ways we relate to our spouse: empathy. But giving or receiving empathy first requires vulnerability. We experience vulnerability when we face uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure (Brown, 2007). 
In our marriages, vulnerability can be felt by both partners. It is sometimes a last resort after trying every other comfortable, non-emotionally exposed way to solve a conflict (Brown, Rising Strong, 2017). Vulnerability is scary, but when we respond in empathy we say “I can hear this. This is hard or uncomfortable for me, but I can sit here with you and hear your story.” (Brown, 2007)

Steps to Empathy (Brown, 2007):

  1. Being able to see the world as others see it
  2. Being nonjudgmental
  3. Understanding another person’s feelings
  4. Communicating your understanding of that person’s feelings 
When we are truly empathetic, we allow a safe physical and emotional space for our spouse to open up. When a spouse is confident their feelings and fears will be met with understanding and love, it is easier for them to share. That is why vulnerability is the pathway to empathy; “sharing our stories allows us the opportunity to connect and experience empathy” (Brown, 2007) – especially from our spouse.
If you find vulnerability or empathy is new territory, be honest. Say “I know this is hard for you to tell me, but it is also hard for me to hear. Can we go slowly?” Or perhaps ask for the conversation to happen in more than one sitting.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Expressing empathy can be more difficult for men because it includes being vulnerable. Because of societal gender norms, showing emotions in this way can be viewed as weak. Gus Worland, founder of Man Up (a nonprofit in Australia), is determined to educate about the risks of men staying silent – assuring them that to truly “man up,” is to share. Wives, if this is something your husband struggles with, encourage and assure him that there is strength in vulnerability. But also seek to be patient and meet him where he is. 
“If we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our emotions, we can struggle in our relationships with others. We have to know and accept ourselves before we can know and accept others.” (Brown, 2007) We can encourage our spouses and help them learn to be empathetic, but don’t push them where they are not ready. As much as we hope to receive empathy from our spouse, also be sure to extend empathy to your spouse. Those who both give and receive empathy are more resilient in relationships. (Brown, 2007)
If you are having a hard time understanding what empathy is in real terms, watch this animated video (we’ve shared this before, but it’s a really good one!). 
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Photo by Christina Rivers on Unsplash

Misconceptions about empathy

  • How can I be empathetic if I didn’t experience the same things?
We may not know what it is like to be a black woman in an all-white law firm, but we most likely can relate to feeling left out, alone or belittled. The key to empathy is to hone in on the emotion, not necessarily the situational details. (Brown, 2007) “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (Brown, 2007)
  • Love, then fix.
Some spouses really like to fix things, and sometimes their partner just wants to be listened to. (Like with this nail.) For the partner seeking empathy, recognize that while your partner may not always be able to name or understand how you are feeling, the fact that they are reaching out to fix the problem indicates that they see your pain and want to ease it. Meet your spouse where they are, and appreciate any help. Also help them understand that offering empathy first may make someone more receptive to help. For the partner seeking to fix, try slowing down, listening, and asking your partner when they share, “are you wanting me to help you find solutions right now, or are you just wanting empathy?” 
  • Does it excuse behavior?
To show understanding is not to condone. Empathy is the right path towards positive change because it helps us know that we are more than our mistakes. It says, “you are not alone in your struggles, and we are in this together.”
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Photo by Justin Groep on Unsplash
In the same way that empathy is the antidote to shame, lack of empathy often results in shame. Not just guilt, but shame. Guilt sounds like “I made a mistake” and shame sounds like “I am a mistake.” While shame does not motivate change, guilt is a very strong motivator (Brown, 2007). In a recent longitudinal study, 380 5th graders were measured in their proneness for shame. At age 18, those with just guilt-proneness predicted less delinquency, while those who were shame-prone were more likely to have unprotected sex, use illegal drugs and had more involvement in the criminal justice system (Stuewig, 2016). When we use shame as a motivator for behavioral change, it will have lasting negative effects. “How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?” (Lerner, 2001) Shame defines us, but guilt is only part of us. Empathy can give us the confidence and support to positively change without shame. 
 It can be easy to confuse sympathy and empathy. Empathy is having the courage to reach across the world to understand someone else. Sympathy is when we look at others from our side of the world and feel sorry for them (Brown, 2007). We see their hurt and say “I’m sorry that this happened to you, but let’s be clear; I am over here and you are over there.” (Brown, 2007) Sympathy exacerbates shame and is about separation rather than compassion and connection. 
  • Sympathy-seeking 
When someone else is seeking sympathy, it can be easy to spot: “Feel sorry for me because I’m the only one this is happening to” or “my situation is worse than yours!” People seeking sympathy are not looking for empathy or connection, but rather for confirmation of their uniqueness. (Brown, 2007) This can feel like a no-win situation, especially in marriage. “One the one hand they are telling us they have it worse than anyone…. But they are [still] looking for our validation…which rarely produces real connections.” (Brown, 2007)
However, sympathy-seeking can be hard to spot in ourselves—especially in marital conflict. To combat this, ask yourself what you seek when you open up: connection or confirmation of uniqueness? It can be easy to resort to sympathy-seeking because both require sharing. We use the guise of vulnerability to disconnect. Sympathy-seeking is usually about over-sharing or making a spectacle of ourselves and not vulnerability. True “vulnerability is not live-tweeting your bikini wax. Vulnerability is about trust, intimacy, and connection. We share with people who have earned the right to hear the story.” (Oprah.com)  And hopefully, that is your spouse. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Empathy in Marriage

Empathy can be especially difficult in marriage as we often have different perspectives – especially due to gender differences and families of origin. In my case, opposites attract. I am from the west coast; my husband is from the east coast. Despite our similarities, differences in our background can cause problems. We come from different life views and family experiences. This is where we have to be wary of sympathy-seeking and other disconnection tactics because of differences between spouses. 
But I think this is also why empathy can also be so powerful in a marriage. When we can truly show love and step into another person’s shoes, we show our dedication to loving our spouse through understanding and listening. Women especially find more satisfaction in marriage when there is more empathy (Waldinger, 2004).

Revolution

The final step of the Rising Strong process is Revolution. It gives us a new vision of what is possible.  When we can dig into our stories, personal and shared, we can make way for more authenticity, learning, wisdom, and bravery because of our vulnerabilities and “dark emotions” (Platek, 2018). And we can find power when we foster empathy in our marriages.
“Every human must be able to view the self as complex and multidimensional. When this fact is obscured, people wrap themselves in layers of denial in order to survive.” (Lerner, 2001) But “to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to keep it intact, you must give it to no one.” (Lewis, 1960)
When we do not share ourselves we lose the chance to experience empathy (Brown, 2007). When we do not share with our spouses, we lose the chance to be fully loved and to love fully. We miss the chance to share every complex, multidimensional, broken, uncivilized, messy, beautifully human part of ourselves. Love is about vulnerability; you could get hurt, or you could be healed. Each step of the Rising Strong process can be terrifying, but it can also be transforming. Have the courage to connect through all of it—and Rise Strong together. 
Personal Practice 1Practice perspective-taking by looking at the people around you and giving them a story. Where are they from? What are their favorite foods, hobbies, friends? What do their realtionships look like? What kinds of struggles have they been through? What do they have in common with you? Really get inside their heads and their lives! This exercise will hopefully help you to better understand that everyone has a story. When we seek to understand the stories of those around us, we will better be able to empathize and love them.

References

Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me, (but it isn’t). New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, Brene, “Live-tweeting your bikini wax doesn’t equal vulnerability.” Oprah’s Life Class, accessed 10/12/19. http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/dr-brene-brown-knocks-down-a-major-myth-about-vulnerability-video
Brown, B. (2017). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Jeffrey Stuewig, J. P. (2016). Children’s Proness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood. Child Psychiatry Human Development , 217-227.
Lerner, H. (2001). The Dance of Connection: How to talk to someone when you’re mad, hurt, angry, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed or desperate. New York: Harper Collins.
Lewis, C. S. (1960). The Four Loves. Geoffrey Bles.
Platek, B. (2018, Jan). Through A Glass Darkly. Retrieved September 7, 2019, from The Sun Interview: https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/385/through-a-glass-darkly
Waldinger, R. (2004). Reading Others’ Emotions: The Role of Intuitive Judgements in Predicting Marital Satisfaction, Quality, and Stability. Journal of Family Psychology , 58-71.
Additional Resources
Man Up: Nonprofit in Australia – Suicide Stats: http://manup.org.au/the-facts/the-stats/
It’s not about the Nail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Brené Brown on Empathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Article 1 in this Series: https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/owning-your-story-within-marital-conflict/
Article 2 in this Series: https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/the-reckoning-and-the-rumble-part-2-roadblocks-to-reckoning/

 

*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!

 

 

Melissa Buckley HeadshotMelissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.

Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
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commUNITY

Utilizing a Support System is NOT a Sign of Weakness

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
All of us are fighting a hard battle. Maybe you’re like me and infertility is really weighing you down right now. Maybe you’re going through a divorce. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job, or are struggling to lose weight and eat healthy. Maybe your toddler is driving you really close to burnout. Maybe mental health is eating you alive. It doesn’t matter what it is – we all have things going on that are tough. And we can’t do it alone. Nor should we have to.
Sometimes we feel like we have to – no one wants to take my burden. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. No one cares about what I’m going through. I’m the only one. All of these are toxic things we tell ourselves. These faulty beliefs isolate us and breed loneliness and poorer physical and mental health (Sippel, et al., 2015).

What are the benefits of having a support system?

Breast cancer patients who are socially isolated are more likely to experience tumor growth and at a more rapid rate than their peers who do have a strong support system (Hinzey, et al., 2016). And elderly adults reported a greater sense of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms when satisfied with the amount of support received from their family (Montpetit, et al., 2016). Elderly individuals are also more likely to be physically active when they feel supported, which is especially important given that a lack of physical activity contributes significantly to mortality in elderly patients (Smith, et al., 2017). Caregivers of patients suffering from terminal illness refusing treatment also found significant reduction in anxiety and burden by attending support groups (Chan, et al., 2016). Men who use online support groups for their infertility report a significant increase in well being, support and life satisfaction, despite the emotional exhaustion of infertility treatment and perceived stigma (Richard, et al., 2017). Poly-victimized girls with a support system of peers were less likely to have psychotic experiences (Crush et al., 2018). And medical residents experiencing loneliness were more likely to also experience both personal and work-related burnout. But when they rely on their coworkers for support, they report less loneliness and burnout, more energy and higher work performance (Rogers et al., 2016).
What it really comes down to is that whatever you are struggling with, building and utilizing a support system can help you emotionally and physically.
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Photo from pexels.com

How do I create my support system?

There are many ways to do this. One way is to join an organized support group. Support groups exist for almost everything: diabetes, care for elderly parents/spouse, infertility, adoption or foster care, parenting a special needs child, marital struggles, mental health or substance use struggles, loved ones of the same, etc. Some of these are just groups of people reaching out for support, like on Facebook or other social media platforms. Other times these groups are more organized and facilitated by a therapist or social worker or other professional. These groups, especially those facilitated by professionals have pretty good outcomes (Chan, et al., 2016). But the less organized groups on social media report good outcomes as well (Richard, et al., 2017).
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Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash
In addition to these more formal options, your friends and family can be a great support system. There is no need to suffer alone or hide your pain and struggle from people who love and care about you. Having said that, not all of your friends or family will understand and be able to help. You will have to weed people out – not all of the people we love are able to give us empathy, validation, appropriate feedback, and assistance. Delicately introduce elements of your struggle that you are comfortable sharing. Test the reactions. Does the person blow off what you are saying or immediately jump to fix it? Do they tell you it isn’t a big deal? If they do, you probably don’t want to include them in your support system. But if they ask clarifying questions, provide appropriate insight and feedback, and express empathy for your struggle, you’ve probably got a good candidate for your support group.
No one in your life can fill every need. That’s why it is important to have many people in your support system. 

I don’t want to burden my loved ones OR I feel uncomfortable asking for help

Many people won’t ask for help and support because they don’t want to inconvenience others. They don’t want to ask because they keep telling themselves “I’m fine” and what would they even ask for anyway? 
But sometimes we aren’t fine, and if we don’t take the time to self-care and connect with the important people in our lives, healing slows, and sometimes we remain broken. 
But we must find ways to get help. This may, of course, be easier in an organized support group. But even in developing your own support system, help can come organically. Schedule time with members of your support system. You don’t have to spend the entire time talking about your problems. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Sometimes companionship is enough. Text or call. Be willing to ask for the little things. If you are open you will find people in your life with similar struggles who know what to say and how to help. There have been many times I have been open and offered details of my infertility to someone I didn’t think could possibly understand and received some of the greatest support and empathy. Building a support system requires openness and vulnerability and there is a level of risk. But the risk is worth it. It takes practice. Start small.
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Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Therapeutic or professional intervention may still be necessary

Be aware that even when we have the best support team ever we may still need professional support. Our support systems are intended to be just that – support. But they aren’t usually the ultimate “fix-it” or solution. If I get in a car accident and am injured I can use my support system, but I would still go to the hospital for medical care. If my car breaks down, someone in my support system can give me a ride, but I still take the car to a mechanic. The same goes with our mental health. I can use my support system for comfort, support, and accountability, but I may still need therapy and medication to work through my trauma or manage my anxiety. Our support systems add to professional help; they rarely replace it.
Building a support system makes such a difference. There are more people struggling than you know, and there is no need to struggle alone. Asking for help and reaching outside of yourself may take courage but it boosts mental health, physical health, confidence, and decreases feelings of loneliness and hopelessness (Sippel et al., 2015).
Personal Practice 1This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.

References

Chan, K. Y., Yip, T., Yap, D. Y., Sham, M. K., Wong, Y. C., Lau, V. W. K., … Chan, T. M. (2016). Enhanced Psychosocial Support for Caregiver Burden for Patients With Chronic Kidney Failure Choosing Not to Be Treated by Dialysis or Transplantation: A Pilot Randomized Controlled Trial. American Journal of Kidney Diseases, 67(4), 585–592. doi: 10.1053/j.ajkd.2015.09.021
Crush, E., Arseneault, L., & Fisher, H. L. (2018). “Girls get by with a little help from their friends: Gender differences in protective effects of social support for psychotic phenomena amongst poly-victimised adolescents”: Correction. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology: The International Journal for Research in Social and Genetic Epidemiology and Mental Health Services, 53(12), 1419. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00127-018-1620-0
Hinzey, A., Gaudier-Diaz, M. M., Lustberg, M. B., & Devries, A. C. (2016). Breast cancer and social environment: getting by with a little help from our friends. Breast Cancer Research, 18(1). doi: 10.1186/s13058-016-0700-x
Montpetit, M. A., Nelson, N. A., & Tiberio, S. S. (2017). Daily interactions and affect in older adulthood: Family, friends, and perceived support. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 18(2), 373–388. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9730-4
Richard, J., Badillo-Amberg, I., & Zelkowitz, P. (2017). “So Much of This Story Could Be Me”: Men’s Use of Support in Online Infertility Discussion Boards. American Journal of Men’s Health, 663–673. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988316671460
Rogers, E., Polonijo, A. N., & Carpiano, R. M. (2016). Canadian Family Physician, 62 (11).
Sippel, L. M., R. H. Pietrzak, D. S. Charney, L. C. Mayes, and S. M. Southwick. 2015. How does social support enhance resilience in the trauma-exposed individual? Ecology and Society 20(4):10.
Lindsay Smith, G., Banting, L., Eime, R., O’Sullivan, G., & van Uffelen, J. G. Z. (2017). The association between social support and physical activity in older adults: A systematic review. The International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 14. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1186/s12966-017-0509-8

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

The Antidote to Loneliness

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Written by Mariah Ramage
Think of the last time you felt lonely. Now think of the last time you were isolated. Did you think of the same time for both? Or were you isolated and not lonely, or lonely but not isolated? For me, the last time I felt lonely was when I was in a crowd – lonely, but not isolated. When I missed church due to illness, I appreciated the break from people – isolated, but not lonely. The second week in a row that I missed church due to illness, I’d had my break and I wanted to see everyone again – isolated and lonely.
Do you see the difference now? In regular life, we often don’t differentiate between feeling lonely and being isolated. In research, these are distinct concepts that must be defined: Isolation isn’t about feelings. It’s when you have few social relationships or do not have frequent social contact. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the feeling you get when you have less social connection that you want to have.
close up photo of withered plant with yellow leaf
Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash
And so it is that being isolated is not inherently unhealthy, but loneliness is. Of course, everyone feels lonely now and again. That’s perfectly normal. It is in excess when loneliness becomes dangerous. An article that looked at data from 148 different studies on social connection and mortality found that loneliness is as damaging to physical health as smoking and alcohol and is more damaging than obesity and lack of exercise.
Feeling lonely most of the time isn’t just unpleasant– It can actually shorten your lifespan.
So what do you do if you are both isolated and lonely? Start by decreasing your isolation:
  • Attend a creative class: Your local YMCA, community center, or craft shops likely offer classes for different creative activities – cooking, crafts, etc. You may never get good at whatever it is, but it will still give you the chance to meet people and bond over your mutual inability to make a clay mug that actually looks like a mug.
  • Join a local sports team or club: Explore the options in the community for competitive or recreational adult sports. If you’re into team sports, join a team – it’ll get you out of the house, get you exercise, and give you the opportunity to bond with your new teammates. If you’re into solo sports like tennis, you still need someone to play against – join a club where you can regularly find opponents, and reach out to the other players you regularly see there.
  • Make an effort at work: Spend time in the common areas at work, especially while those areas are being used for lunch – the more you eat lunch and make conversation with your coworkers, the more likely that you will start spending time with them outside of work too.
  • Volunteer: Pick a cause that means something to you and find a place nearby where you can volunteer – you’ll be making the world a better place and meeting new people at the same time.
  • Attend community events: Find inexpensive or free events in your community that interest you and make the time to attend some of them. While you’re there, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger – the fact that you both thought the event was worth attending means you already have something in common (even if you’re both just there for the free food).
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Photo from pexels.com
Now raise your hand if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still feeling lonely. If this is you, think about this:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
–Brené Brown
This idea of allowing ourselves to be seen – that is vulnerability. It is taking the risk, exposing ourselves to another person, not knowing how they are going to react. It is being courageous – telling “the story of who you are with your whole heart” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
Brené Brown’s research tells us that those who are courageous, those who are whole-hearted, “They [have] connection… as a result of authenticity. They [are] willing to let go of who they [think] they should be, in order to be who they [are].”
They allow themselves to be seen.
It is the quality of connection that matters, not the quantity. And to truly create quality connections with others, we must be authentic. We must have the courage to be vulnerable, to open up, to share things that matter deeply to us. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but it is necessary. It is fundamental to building connections with others – the connections we need in order to not feel lonely whether we’re in a crowd or staying home tonight.
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Photo from pexels.com
“Vulnerability is … the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
-Brené Brown
When you dare to be vulnerable, you don’t just open yourself up to deeper social connections. You also open yourself up to all the positive emotions — from not having to hide who you are for fear of judgment; from allowing yourself to really be seen and having someone accept you for who you are in your entirety. That can change your life, if you let it.
Embracing vulnerability takes time, but you can take the first step on that journey now. This week, pick one person in your life with whom you would like a deeper connection. Think about everything that person doesn’t know about you, and pick one of those things to tell that person this week. Try to not pick a safe option, something that you can predict their response to. Try to pick something to share that you aren’t sure will garner a positive reaction. See how your connection can deepen as you allow yourself to be seen.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability/up-next?language=en
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med 7(7), 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Koyama, Y., Nawa, N., Yamaoka, Y., Nishimura, H., Sonoda, S., Kuramochi, J., Miyazaki, Y., & Fujiwara, T. (2021). Interplay between social isolation and loneliness and chronic systemic inflammation during the COVID-19 pandemic in Japan: Results from U-CORONA study. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 94, 51–59. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2021.03.007

 

me

Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
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