A few weeks ago I asked my mom probably one of the most vulnerable questions I have ever asked her to answer: “Do you ever regret marrying dad?”
The question sounds far more dramatic than it is: I am not aware of any earth-shaking quarrels, abuse, heartache, or what have you in my parent’s relationship. They have been pretty happily married for over 30 years.
The question came about because of one simple fact: my parents do not hold the same religious beliefs.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Has this difference brought regret to my parents’ marriage? Can two individuals with differing core beliefs make a relationship last? And is it even worth it?
In the article “Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate”, Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas answers this question simply, “…a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.” The author elaborates further by saying, “…it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, and how you move through time together.”
My mom answered similarly. While she acknowledged that the difference in religious beliefs has sometimes been difficult, she loves my dad, and she loves the good man he is. She also noted that while she chose to marry someone who didn’t share her same religious convictions, she has seen other couples begin their marriages with mirrored beliefs, only to have one change their beliefs later. As Dr. Hudson said, relationships last through “the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship” more than through shared core beliefs—though that certainly may help.
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There are countless other core beliefs that partners could disagree on, including beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, and more. One of the most important ways to approach these differing beliefs is simply through respect—and that includes accepting your partner’s viewpoints and beliefs without trying to change them (for other ideas on how to approach the topic of core beliefs, read Aubrey-Dawn’s article here).
Regarding couple communication in the midst of conflict, Dr. Marni Feuerman states that couples should consider how “each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake. Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship [or, I might add, an enduring difference in core beliefs] have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.”
Approaching differing core beliefs with respect, communication, and even curiosity creates an opportunity for greater understanding and empathy in any relationship, and can particularly foster greater emotional attachment within the couple relationship. What are some ways that you’ve grown closer in your relationships (friendship/dating/marriage/etc.) despite —or even because of— differing core beliefs?
Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2020). Uniting and dividing influences of religion in marriage among highly religious couples. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 167–177. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/rel0000262.supp (Supplemental)
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
