In 2002, Robin Arzon was in a bar when a gunman entered. He took Arzon as his main hostage, using her as a human shield between himself and the NYPD outside. While everyone made it out of the ordeal physically safe, Arzon began running to deal with the emotional trauma she was experiencing. “It was in the run that I found my strength again,” Arzon stated in a 2018 interview on the Rachael Ray Show.
Arzon is now an author and the Vice President of Fitness Programming and an Instructor at Peloton. She has dedicated her life to not only fitness, but cultivating excellence in all she does and helping others do the same. Arzon took one of the most traumatizing moments of her life and allowed it to shape her for the better.
By utilizing self-awareness and healthy coping mechanisms, Arzon began developing resilience.
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress.” Various studies have identified different attributes and characteristics of resilient individuals, including:
Another study shows that resilience comes from “developing attributes such as vigor, optimism, and physical robustness,” “improving socialization practices,” and “building self-efficacy and self-esteem through interpersonal relationships and experiences” (Resnick, 2011, as cited in Lohr, 2018).
You can even narrow it down to the well-known sentiment, “turning lemons into lemonade.”
If this past year hasn’t been traumatic for you, it has at least been unexpected. You may be looking forward to 2021 with hope, dread, or a mix of the two. We may not be able to anticipate everything that the next year will hold, but each of us has the opportunity to look back with self-awareness, develop healthy coping mechanisms, practice self-care, and move into 2021 with greater resilience.
In January 2020, I moved alone to a new town knowing no one. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, most of my work was done virtually. I was alone most of the time, and quickly fell into a deep depression. It took weeks of tears, loneliness, grief, and trying various coping mechanisms to finally begin feeling better. I wrote about this season of my life in my book, Not According to Plan. You can read that full chapter for free on my website.
Every attempt to get back up helped me become a little more resilient. When the pandemic hit a few weeks later I found myself again alone–but this time I was more prepared. I still experienced low points, but I was able to adapt more quickly. Through experience and self-awareness, I knew how to get back up.
Through my experience this year, I’ve further developed the following resilient attributes: rebounding, self-determination, flexibility, optimism, faith, adaptive coping, and more. These attributes will surely help me as I experience other difficult situations in the future.
There is no one right way to begin feeling better. Different things work for different people, and different things have worked for me at different times. However, by actively practicing self-awareness and different coping mechanisms, individuals can develop resilience–and that resilience will make a positive impact, no matter what the new year brings.
Ackerman, C. E. (2020, November 17). Coping Mechanisms: Dealing with Life’s Disappointments in a Healthy Way. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/coping/
Lohr, K. D. (2018). Tapping Autobiographical Narratives to Illuminate Resilience: A Transformative Learning Tool for Adult Educators. Educational Gerontology, 44(2–3), 163–170.
Ray, R. [Rachael Ray Show]. (2018, January 19). She Started Running After Being Held at Gunpoint — Now Instagram-Famous Trainer Inspires Thousand… [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjWCEV49OAg
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
A few years ago, I walked into a support group for spouses and families of addicts, and was surprised by these two things:
The instant love and support I was shown, and
The clear emphasis on OUR INDIVIDUAL healing, NOT our loved ones’ healing.
Yes, we want our loved ones to heal and grow and overcome the things they struggle with, but that was not—nor will ever be—something any of us have any control over. The only thing we can truly control is our own healing, and the little and big decisions we make along the way.
Betrayal trauma can be felt when we feel betrayed by a loved one, and experience trauma from that. In other words, it is trauma experienced when we lose the trust of a loved one—often in cases of lying, deceit, infidelity, or other inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Both men and women can experience betrayal trauma (Note: I’m writing this paper as a woman who used to attend a women-only support group, so if I speak from that perspective, that’s why. But I know men who have experienced betrayal trauma as well, and their experiences are important to consider as well).
Psychologist George S. Everly found that those struggling with betrayal trauma exhibited many of the same symptoms as those suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including:
…guilt, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually (almost addictively) reliving both the positive moments (longingly) and the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. And again as you might expect the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid relationships in the future.
Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash
Here is what betrayal trauma looked like for me:
In my own trauma, I developed “triggers”—situations, objects, places, memories, etc. that sent my mind and body spiraling into a state of anxiety. I remember once having to pull my car over to the side of the road when a memory came into my mind, unable to keep driving as my body involuntarily began shaking, and I fought to control my breathing and tears. For months I scanned parking lots as I drove into them, frantically seeing if I recognized any of the cars, trying to determine if I was (emotionally) safe or not. While experiencing other romantic relationships helped me heal and move forward, I also experienced triggers in intimate situations.
The sweet thing is, it got better. The triggers became fewer and farther between. Painful memories faded as new memories and experiences replaced them. I could eventually think about the happy memories from the past with gratitude instead of hurt.
Each person’s experience with betrayal trauma is different, including the severity of which they experience it. I’ve seen individuals suffer severe physical health issues as a result of their emotional grief*. I’ve seen them spend years working with their loved one to regain that trust—for both of them. I’ve known people who have stayed in relationships—for better or for worse—and I’ve known people who have left. Of those I’ve seen leave, sometimes they leave immediately upon the first betrayal, and sometimes they stay for years trying to make it work. There is no right or wrong solution for any person experiencing betrayal trauma.
If you are in the thick of trauma right now—maybe you just experienced a punch-to-the-heart disclosure or your relationship is just feeling especially heavy right now—I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved. Take a few breaths, let yourself cry, and do what you need to do to grieve—you may be experiencing a loss of trust, the vision you had for your relationship, your sense of self, and other parts of your life that are worth acknowledging and grieving.
When you’re ready to stand up and get moving, here are some ways to move forward and focus on healing your life.
Therapy
If you don’t have a therapist that you are comfortable confiding in, go find one right now. Even better, find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery. A quality, qualified therapist can not only offer you a space to talk freely, but can help you process those thoughts and feelings. They can offer additional insight and tools to aid in your healing.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
But did I mention that they can also offer you a space to talk freely? Especially in relationship issues, this is vital. In college, one of my Family Science professors noted that we should always be careful about the things we tell our parents about our partners/spouses—while we’ll most likely work things out with our partner pretty quickly and move forward, our parents will likely hold onto that resentment for much longer. They are just bystanders and aren’t (and shouldn’t be) in the relationship working things out alongside us. Therapists must maintain confidentiality (except in extenuating circumstances, such as when it concerns your immediate safety), so they are great sources to confide in.
Support Groups
As I said before, if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, know that you are not alone. Whether the trauma comes from a partner’s pornography use or other sexual addiction, sexual or emotional infidelity, or other form of unfaithful behavior, Bloom for Women reports that 41% of married women (about 30 million women) have unfaithful spouses. Of those, they state that about 72% experience trauma from sexual betrayal (about 21 million women).
Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash
Support groups bring people struggling with similar issues together to share experiences, relate to one another, encourage personal growth, and feel less alone. You can search online for both online support groups (like Bloom for Women for betrayal trauma recovery) or local/regional support groups. As the facilitators in my local support group once told me, give it three meetings before you decide to drop out of the group. Support groups sometimes have their own culture of sorts (a particular meeting schedule, reading materials, how a person introduces themselves, how each meeting ends, etc.) If you still don’t like your group after a few meetings, try another one. But give it a chance.
Books, Podcasts, Etc.
Some of my favorites:
What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Workbook: Healing Through Christ— free download here
Podcast: LifeBeats Project Episode #55 with Nicole, “Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others.”
Album: Lemonade by Beyonce (if that’s your thing) 😉
I wanted to give you as many resources as I could, so I asked a couple of dear friends of mine what helped them heal:
All of the Brene Brown books!
The Overcomers Edge by Paul Psicka
Podcast: 3 in 30 Podcast Episode #68: Healing After Betrayal in Your Marriage
Doing Things
…and not just doing things, but doing things for yourself.
When I needed to heal emotionally, I turned to running. My overall focus turned to training for a running race, and all the fine details that went along with that like planning my next workouts, structuring my runs for the greatest physical benefit, analyzing my running form, tweaking my nutrition, etc. Beyond that big picture focus, my daily runs also offered me time to clear my mind, process grief, and literally and emotionally move forward.
Photo by Andrew Tanglao on Unsplash
Another friend of mine told me that when she felt her weakest, she resolved to do one thing every day that scared her. Sometimes it was giving a compliment to a stranger. Other times it was pushing herself physically in a difficult workout. A couple times it was traveling to the other side of the world for a last-minute humanitarian project. She grew through these experiences every single day.
Sometimes doing things for yourself means buying yourself a treat on the way home for work or booking a visit to the spa. Other times it means doing your taxes or washing all the dishes in the sink. Whatever it is, do something for yourself every single day. Even the smallest things add up over time and can help you build confidence, feel happier and stronger, and be a beautiful part of your recovery.
Conclusion
I worked through my trauma through engaging in therapy, participating in a support group (if you ladies are reading this, know that there is a special place in my heart for you, and I love you forever), feeling less alone through books, podcasts, and Beyonce’s brilliant and gut-wrenchingly relatable “Lemonade,” and running ‘til endorphins kicked in, and then running some more. These days my recovery is less about managing triggers and more about not repeating those old patterns of codependency in relationships. It’s about remembering my worth, holding my own, keeping my boundaries, and walking away when I need to.
You may have some big decisions coming up, like whether to stay or to leave, or even whether or not to get out of bed tomorrow. Regardless of any choices you make moving forward though, you will have to do the work to heal. You could run away and start a whole new life, and you’ll still have to do the work to heal. You can work endlessly to forgive and forget with your partner, and you’ll still need to do your own work to heal.
I can promise you though, this is the best work you will ever do for your life.
—
*Research shows that those who experience trauma that includes betrayal show more symptoms of physical illness, anxiety, dissociation, and depression than individuals whose trauma does not include betrayal, like those who have been in car accidents, etc. (Freyd, Klest & Allard 2005).
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
Everly, George S. Jr. (2018), “The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal: Why it hurts so much and seven ways you can heal.” Psychology Today, Posted 8 June 2018.
Freyd, Jennifer J., Bridget Klest & Carolyn B. Allard (2005) Betrayal Trauma: Relationship to Physical Health, Psychological Distress, and a Written Disclosure Intervention, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6:3, 83-104.
Smith-Marek, E. N., Durtschi, J., Brown, C., & Dharnidharka, P. (2016). Exercise and diet as potential moderators between trauma, posttraumatic stress, depression, and relationship quality among emerging adults. American Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 53–66. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2016.1145080
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the acronym PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? When they hear this term, most people tend to think of veterans and soldiers. For me, that misconception changed the day my mom came home from an appointment with a therapist and told my family about her PTSD diagnosis. In that moment my perceptions about PTSD began to change. My mom was suddenly someone who had never served in the military but now had a diagnosis common to many veterans. I started to see that PTSD wasn’t limited to just the veterans, but that it is possible for anyone to end up with PTSD (Van Der Kolk, 2015).
What is PTSD?
PTSD is a mental illness caused by exposure to trauma. However, not everyone who is exposed to trauma will end up with PTSD, only about 7-8% of the population in the United States will have a PTSD diagnosis at some point in their life. Some populations such as women, military veterans, those who were/are abused, and rape and sexual assault survivors are all more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD. Other risk factors for PTSD include long-lasting trauma, early childhood trauma, holding a job that you are more likely to see traumatic events, lack of social support and having a history of mental illness in your family. Although we know of all these risk factors, medical and mental health professional don’t actually know what causes PTSD.
Photo by Mahdi Rezaei on Unsplash
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
PTSD has a variety of symptoms including the following (please note this is not a comprehensive list):
Avoidant behavior: This could include avoiding certain places, people, or objects that are or could be associated with the trauma.
Reliving the traumatic event: This includes, nightmares or flashbacks where you feel like you are back in the traumatic event and reliving it. Triggers can include sights, smells, or sounds that take you back to the event.
Negative thinking and moods: This includes feeling hopeless about the world, feeling down or depressed, forgetting pieces of the traumatic event, detachment from relationships and feeling emotionally numb
Hyperarousal sometimes described as being on edge:This includes being startled at loud noises, having a hard time sleeping, overwhelming guilt or shame, trouble concentrating, and anger or aggression
Note: PTSD can definitely be hard to understand especially when you aren’t the one directly experiencing it. I would highly recommend watching the show Lie to Me episode “React to Contact” (Season 2 Episode 14). This episode follows a veteran returning home and struggling with PTSD. It’s a great example of what PTSD is like and uses a unique form of treatment that someday may be a reality.
Photo from pexels.com
Treatment for PTSD
There are a variety of treatments used to treat PTSD, however, there is no permanent cure so treatment is more to help those who have PTSD live their day to day lives with fewer symptoms. Treatment for PTSD includes some sort of trauma-focused therapy such as EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) or cognitive behavioral therapy along with some sort of medication, usually an antidepressant. So far these are the only forms of treatment that are research-proven, but activities such as yoga and mindfulness exercises may also be beneficial.
Relationships and PTSD
Now that I’ve talked about the more technical side of PTSD and what it is, I want to talk about the relationship side of PTSD. I have many incredible people in my life who have been diagnosed with PTSD from both military and non-military related trauma. However, I want to focus on those who I am closest to, and their PTSD has been a result of non-military related trauma.
The Parent-Child Relationship and PTSD
I’ll start first with my sweet mom. Her PTSD diagnosis came when I was a teenager and it had a large impact on my family. The first thing was that it gave her a diagnosis other than depression and anxiety (which she had been dealing with from the time before I was born). This new diagnosis meant she could start finding a treatment that would help with the memories, dreams, and flashbacks she would experience. In a lot of ways it was a huge relief because even though I didn’t understand 100% what it was, it seemed that she could now get the help that she needed.
Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash
I do remember times where I struggled to connect with her because she was emotionally distant. This was especially true on days when she had had therapy and she was processing. Research has shown that this is actually common; a parent that has PTSD may be distant from their child, especially when they are processing a memory. I also remember having to adjust and avoid doing things that may be triggers for her. If something triggered her PTSD, I learned to leave her alone and let her come down from the trigger, another common experience among children who have parents or parental figures who have PTSD.
Marriage Relationships and PTSD
What I learned from my experience with my mom came into full force when I met and married my sweet husband. He also has PTSD, and being married to someone with PTSD has been another learning curve and experience. There are days when things are good and the PTSD symptoms are low and manageable, and there are other days that are filled with anxiety, weighted blankets, rough nights of little sleep, and minimal functioning. Each day is different and unique but it’s always worth the fight to stand next to him and help him through whatever he is dealing with that day. Some days it does take a toll on me and I have to take a break and take care of myself so that I can be a support for him, and sometimes it means I don’t get done what I want or need to because taking care of him is more important and I need to put him first.
Photo from pexels.com
What You Can Do To Help
While writing this article, I asked both my mom and my husband what advice they would have for someone who is a spouse of a PTSD warrior or who knows someone who has PTSD. I’ve chosen four things that they’ve suggested to help:
Educate yourself about PTSD – Education can help a partner to understand what is going on when the person is struggling with symptoms of PTSD. It can also help them to know what to do to help the person because sometimes what we think is helpful to someone isn’t always helpful, especially when it comes to PTSD. Also be aware of where they can get help and when to get them help (Bressert, 2018).
Understand there are going to be things that are hard for the person with PTSD – Some triggers may make certain aspects of relationships difficult. The most common aspect of relationships affected by PTSD is the sexual aspect. People who have PTSD related to sexual trauma may have triggers that come from certain types of touch or may lose interest in sexual activity. This may mean sex happens less than one partner would like. If this is the case, communicate with your spouse, and be patient. Getting help from a professional can be an important resource for this particular difficulty.
Don’t take things personally – This was a huge one that my mom emphasized. Don’t take things personally. Sometimes the partner with PTSD is feeling disconnected or doesn’t want to be touched because of the trauma and so it’s best for the non-PTSD partner to not take it personally.
Be loving and patient with them – This is the biggest one for my husband. Some days the person with PTSD is struggling and they need their partner to be patient with them and let them know that they are loved. This includes not trying to fix the problem but rather be there with them while they go through it.
Option 1: If you have PTSD or know someone with PTSD talk about your experience or ask them about their experience. Talking about it helps to #endthestigma
Option 2: Watch this video (Trauma and Addiction: Crash Course Psychology #31) on YouTube to learn more about PTSD, and then share it!
Anasteece Smith is a Utah Native with dreams of becoming a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Anasteece Smith is a Utah Native with dreams of becoming a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.