Morrie Schwartz, the subject of Mitch Albom’s award-winning novel Tuesdays with Morrie, states that he truly didn’t learn to live until he was dying of the fatal illness amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, i.e. Lou Gherig’s Disease. As I stayed up one night unable to put the book down I came across the following thought-provoking passage, “The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads- none of us got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of- unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.”
The more I ponder this statement the more I have to say I agree. Even as a 25-year-old there are many times I simply want to be held, to feel that closeness that comes from the tight embrace of another human being. I suspect this is a desire that never leaves us, one that is part of our deeper nature and desire to connect with others, and I believe we need it even more than we realize. Do we have “enough” affection and physical touch in our lives as is stated by Mr. Schwartz? In our day and age, I don’t think so.
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The moment that physical touch becomes vital actually begins at birth. Physical contact (i.e. skin-to-skin) after birth and throughout infancy has been proven scientifically to have beneficial physiological effects on the infant. This even goes a step further where the skin to skin contact after birth aids in activating maternal attachment (Phillips, 2013).I have personally felt this in my own life when my daughters were in the NICU for days before I was able to hold them and then the moment to hold them finally came and I instantly felt a motherly connection.
As infants develop the benefits of physical touch are numerous. In one of my favorite parenting books, Super Baby by Dr. Jenn Burman, an entire chapter is devoted to the importance of touch along with references to current research. Based on the current body of literature eight benefits of touch for children have been listed (Berman, 2010) and they include:
Smarter children.
Healthier digestion.
Improved weight gain.
Improved immune system.
Better sleep.
Enhanced muscle tone and coordination.
More developed sensory awareness.
Better ability to handle stress.
As we develop over the years from infant to adults our desire to be touched and loved never goes away, in fact, it matures as we mature. Personally when I have moments where the worries of life bring me anxiety I often find that the best cure is simply to be held. My breathing slows, my chest relaxes, and my thoughts focus. As I feel compassion and connection from the person holding me, the mental and physical grip of anxiety loosens and melts away.
Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California Berkeley, conducted an experiment in his lab asking if humans can communicate compassion through touch. In one particular study, he built a barrier that separated two strangers from each other. One person would stick their arm through a barrier and a person on the other side of the barrier would try and convey an emotion from a list they were given in one-second increments of touch. The other person would have to try and figure out which emotion was being conveyed. The results were remarkable. In describing the results Dr. Keltner states, “Given the number of emotions being considered, the odds of guessing the right emotion by chance were about eight percent. But remarkably, participants guessed compassion correctly nearly 60 percent of the time. Gratitude, anger, love, fear—they got those right more than 50 percent of the time as well.” (Keltner, 2010)
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Once we realize the extent of how necessary physical affection and connection with other people is, the question then becomes, why do we sometimes go out of our way to avoid it? As I’ve pondered this conundrum I’ve had a few thoughts that I will share. One reason I’ve found to be a common theme amongst myself and those I’ve discussed this with is a lack of vulnerability. Physical touch requires two people, it’s inviting another person to share our moment of happiness, contentment, sorrow, pain or grief. Simply put, it exposes our most raw selves to someone else. This can lead to another reason we might attempt to shy away from physical touch: fear. We might fear that the other person will not respond appropriately, maybe misread intentions, or perhaps even reject us entirely. Despite these valid fears or concerns, we must overcome them. Our emotional health depends on it.
Just as there is a multitude of different emotional states, so too are there varying types of appropriate physical touch, and all of them are vital to human connection. Think of the emotional benefits you have personally derived from receiving a hug, someone rubbing your feet after a long day, an embrace from a lover, or even a simple hand on the shoulder after a job well done. It makes us feel good. It connects us. In our day and age of social media, Skype, and other impersonal electronic modes of communication I daresay Mr. Schwartz is right, we don’t get enough physical touch. We don’t get enough connection. I challenge each of us to ponder how we can develop more meaningful relationships through physical touch.
This week, look for opportunities to engage in appropriate, consensual physical touch.
Phillips, R. (2013). The Sacred Hour: Uninterrupted Skin-to-Skin Contact Immediately After Birth. Newborn and Infant Nursing Reviews, 13(2), 67–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/ 10.1053/j.nainr.2013.04.001
Widström, A., Brimdyr, K., Svensson, K., Cadwell, K., & Nissen, E. (2019). Skin‐to‐skin contact the first hour after birth, underlying implications and clinical practice. Acta Paediatrica, 108(7), 1192–1204. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/apa.14754
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
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For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
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Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
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For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
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6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This week, look for opportunities to engage in appropriate, consensual physical touch.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.