Power Couples

Gratitude – The Parent of All Virtues

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Written by Katrina Voorhees
Sonja Lyubormirsky (what a last name, right?) Is one of the world’s leading researchers in happiness. Among the scientific approaches she suggests for well-being is a simple remedy that may sound familiar to you – Gratitude. In her book, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, she writes: “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented.” 
The science of gratitude, although modern in its pretext, has been around for centuries. In the heart of the Roman Empire, Cicero’s insight echoes through the centuries. Famous for his eloquent observations and timeless philosophy he wrote, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” 
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This is quite a statement coming from Ancient Rome, where the acquirement of virtues had become so ingrained, they were virtually obsessed – pun intended. In fact, our English word for Virtue originates from an ancient Roman word, Virtus. “It [was said to carry] connotations of valor, manliness, excellence, courage, character, and worth,” Romans even went as far as to personify Virtus as deity.
For Cicero to claim that gratitude was the parent of all virtues was not only bold, but also incredibly instructive. To parent in this context means to bring into being, it is the source and the origin, that which produces. In other words, Cicero is saying that gratitude is not only a good habit, but also the cultivator of all character. 
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A study done at the University of Miami entitled “Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life” (Emmons & McCullough, 2003) may give us some important insight. During this ingenious study, the researchers, Emmons and McCullough, decided to put gratitude to the test with two groups of college students. The first group was told to take time at the end of the day to write down at least 5 blessings, the other group was instructed to write down 5 hassles. The results? The students who took time to think about their blessings at the end of the day reported several amazing benefits as compared to the other group, including but not limited to: 
  • motivation to exercise 
  • fewer physical symptoms and less illness
  • overall positive feelings about life
  • deeper connection with others
  • more optimism about the coming week
If this simple practice could provide such significant improvements in such a short amount of time, just imagine how much of a difference gratitude can make when applied generously and consistently! 
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Another earth-shattering study on gratitude called “To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds” (Gordon et al., 2012) teaches us that gratitude is not only important for maintaining close relationships, but it also nourishes them and helps them to blossom. Without gratitude, interpersonal relationships are left without sufficient motivation, and they quickly wither and die. On the other hand, gratitude is the glue that holds a relationship together.  Contrary to common belief, gratitude is more effective than criticism in allowing relationships to flourish. 
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Gratitude enriches our lives and ennobles our relationships. It brings motivation to the present moment and allows us to see others deeply. Gratitude is powerful because it pushes the present to its greatest depths of potential and instills hope in the future. Although I am not perfect at it, I have seen the miraculous effects of gratitude in my own life. As I strive to see the positive and bring out the good in others, my friendships are sweeter, my personal growth is proliferated, and my life is endowed with meaning. When it comes to gratitude, I stand with Cicero,  “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
Take a moment every day to tell those close to you that you love them and why.
Create a gratitude journal and write about the blessings in your life!
Next time something goes really wrong (which we all know happens way too often), try and find the silver lining. Look for the beauty amidst the chaos.

References

Cultivate the Healing Power of Gratitude. (2012, November 4). Chopra. https://chopra.com/articles/cultivate-the-healing-power-of-gratitude
‌Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.84.2.377‌
Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028723
Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The how of happiness : A practical guide to getting the life you want. London Piatkus.
“Virtus” in Ancient Rome. (2019, May 3). Brewminate: We’re Never far from Where We Were. https://brewminate.com/virtus-in-ancient-rome/#:~:text=Virtus%20was%20a%20crucial%20component%20for%20a%20political 
Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The Neural Basis of Human Social Values: Evidence from Functional MRI. Cerebral Cortex (New York, NY), 19(2), 276–283. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhn080
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Love, Me

The Happiness Equation – A Secret to More Satisfaction

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Written by Rian Gordon
Over the last fifty years, humankind has accrued more and more wealth, developed technology to increase our comfort and ease of living, and improved the quality of life of people all over the world. And yet, believe it or not, over the years our happiness levels as a species has remained relatively the same. Why is this? In his book, “When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness” (2018), psychologist Tim Bono outlines a measure for happiness that may explain this frustrating phenomenon:

Happiness = What you Have / What you Want

If you don’t like math, stick with me, I’ll explain. According to this equation, we have two options for increasing the amount of happiness we experience from day to day. We can either 1) increase what we have, or 2) decrease what we want.
By nature of our current society, we are already constantly working to increase what we have. We go to school to get jobs that allow us to make more money to buy more stuff. However, research has shown that just because you have more stuff does not mean that you are actually happier. This is partially due to the fact that we naturally adapt to new environments. Apparently, increasing what we have only brings temporary satisfaction because we quickly adjust to a “new normal”. Think of when you first get a new phone – it’s fun and exciting to explore all of the new features and to personalize everything. After a while, though, the novelty wears off. What was once new and novel becomes “same-old” once again.
post-2017 iPhone
Photo by Lorenzo Rui on Unsplash
Getting more stuff also doesn’t automatically increase your happiness because the second half of the equation, what you want, is also constantly increasing. This is compounded in particular by social media. We are constantly bombarded with others’ idealized lives, and this tends to make what we have seem like not enough.
So how do we stop this equation from getting so out of proportion? The answer is a matter of shifting our perspective from what we want, to what we already have. In other words, we need to practice GRATITUDE.

The Power of Gratitude

Research has shown that actively practicing gratitude in our daily lives can actually significantly increase our happiness (Llenares et al., 2020). One particular study found that a group of young adults who kept a weekly record of the positive things that happened in their lives, “felt significantly better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the week ahead, and even got sick less frequently,” than a comparison group who kept track of the hassles that happened during their week (Bono, 2018). Focusing on gratitude shifts our perspective. It allows us to move from away from the emptiness of what we lack, and to move towards appreciating the fullness of what is already ours. It can also help us look outside ourselves towards others and how we can use our influence and what we have to help them find more meaning and bounty in their lives.
affection-appreciation-art-424517
Photo from pexels.com
Furthermore, research on the brain has shown that the more we practice gratitude, the easier it actually becomes for us to automatically focus on gratitude. Consistently turning our thoughts towards what we are blessed with creates pathways in our brains that eventually cause us to more readily think about what we are grateful for.
Here are a few ideas that can help you make a habit of practicing gratitude:
  • Congratulate Someone: Next time you see someone sharing good news on social media (maybe even something that you feel a little jealous of), make an effort to reach out and congratulate them. Sharing in someone’s joy rather than giving in to the green monster of envy can help brighten their day, and shift your focus back to what you’ve been blessed with in your life!
  • Gratitude Journal: Taking the time to physically write out the things that you are grateful for, whether it’s once a day, once a week, or once a month can help you keep track of your gratitude, and will help you actively look for things that you are grateful for. This can be something for you to treasure, especially if you are going through something that makes it difficult for you to practice gratitude. Remember, the more often you practice, the better you can re-train your brain to focus on what you have!
  • Writing Letters: Think of someone who has impacted you in your life, and take the time to write them a letter expressing your appreciation (if you don’t have time to hand-write something, send them an email or even a Facebook message!). Not only will this help you think of and be grateful for the ways that other people have blessed your life, but it will make someone’s day as well! Click here for a free download we’ve created to help you write someone a thank you letter.
  • Share With a Partner: You can actually kill two birds with one stone by sharing what you are grateful for with your partner or someone you love. Practicing gratitude with another person helps you as you work to re-wire your brain for gratitude, and it also gives you some time to connect and be open with your partner – things that are essential for strong and healthy relationships!
Practicing gratitude is guaranteed to increase the happiness you feel in your life. And while it may not seem like you have much initially, the more you practice, the more you will find to be grateful for! So, give gratitude a try. What have you got to lose?
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!

References

Bono, T., PhD. (2018). When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
Hui, Q.-P., He, A.-M., & Liu, H.-S. (2015). A situational experiment about the relationship among gratitude, indebtedness, happiness and helping behavior. Chinese Mental Health Journal, 29(11), 852–857.
Llenares, I. I., Deocaris, C. C., Espanola, M., & Sario, J. A. (2020). Gratitude moderates the relationship between happiness and resilience. The International Journal of Emotional Education, 12(2), 103–108.

 

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Power Couples

Two Magic Words to Protect a Relationship

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

Thank you.

Yep, those are the two words: Thank. You.
We all know that it is important to express love, and many of us do so on a daily basis. But when was the last time that you expressed appreciation?
Saying thank you was something most of us were taught to do as children. But when the to-do lists and the stresses pile up, it is easy to forget those two little words – especially when it comes to our partner.
If you have not sincerely thanked your partner in a while, you might be thinking, “But my partner never does anything. I feel like I am doing all of the work.” Or you might be thinking, “But I work so hard, and I never get any thanks. I am the one who needs the appreciation!” Those may be valid feelings, and you can certainly communicate a need for more appreciation. But just like your parents probably taught you – you can’t control other people, only yourself.

Design space on black board

The absence of “thank you” can quickly create burnout.

It is hard for people to feel motivated to work hard in their relationship if they are not appreciated. Burnout is common in my field of work, and after working in a human services capacity for years, I believe that it is even more important in maintaining and protecting a romantic relationship. When we tell our partner that we appreciate them, a specific quality about them, or something they have done, we are telling them that we notice their efforts. When people feel that their efforts are being noticed they are more likely to exert more effort into protecting and nurturing their relationship. In fact, research has shown that gratitude can actually facilitate and encourage other relationship-building behaviors such as spending quality time together! (Bartlett et. al, 2012)

Thank-yous can be simple.

Expressing appreciation needn’t be elaborate. Saying thank you is perfect because it is both incredibly simple and intensely meaningful. It only requires you to notice. It can be as simple as, “Hey, it meant a lot to me that I came home from work to a clean kitchen. Thank you so much for doing that for me.” Or, “Sweetheart, thank you for being so selfless this week. You have done so much for us, and it means a lot to me.” Or even, “I know you didn’t want to come shopping with me tonight, but I really appreciate you coming with me. Thank you for spending time with me.” It can be that simple. It just requires noticing and speaking up.

priscilla-du-preez--NB_fbF-iWk-unsplash

Create a culture of gratitude in your home.

Ultimately, the more that you practice expressing gratitude for your partner, the more you emphasize it’s importance and the more likely your partner is to express appreciation for you. (Armenta, Fritz, & Lyubomirsky, 2017) Without that culture, people feel unwanted, ignored and unimportant. And that is a terrible feeling to have in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter). When people feel that way, relationships suffer as a result. When people feel appreciated, however, they also feel wanted, needed, noticed and important. And when that happens, individuals and relationships thrive.
Personal Practice 1In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
References
Armenta, C. N., Fritz, M. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2017). Functions of Positive Emotions: Gratitude as a Motivator of Self-Improvement and Positive Change. Emotion Review, 9(3), 183–190. doi: 10.1177/1754073916669596
Bartlett, M. Y., Condon, P., Cruz, J., Baumann, J., & Desteno, D. (2012). Gratitude: Prompting behaviours that build relationships. Cognition & Emotion, 26(1), 2–13. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2011.561297
Layous K, Sweeny K, Armenta C, Na S, Choi I, Lyubomirsky S (2017) The proximal experience of gratitude. PLoS ONE 12(7): e0179123. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179123
Leong, J. L. T., Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y. (2019). Is Gratitude Always Beneficial to Interpersonal Relationships? The Interplay of Grateful Disposition, Grateful Mood, and Grateful Expression Among Married Couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 014616721984286. doi: 10.1177/0146167219842868

 

4B3A0588editAubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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