Guest Writers, Power Couples, Single Souls

Staying Connected in a Long-distance Romantic Relationship

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Cover Photo by Vladimir Konoplev 

Written by Annika Finley
 “What are you going to do if you meet someone while you’re in Hawaii?” asked my friend, just a couple days before I left to live there for four months. “You still have over a year left of school in Utah. What would you do?”
When my friend asked me this, I honestly had no answer. I brushed the question off and didn’t think too much about it until two months later, when I met a cute boy at a beach bonfire. We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. Talking to him was so natural, and I loved spending my time with him. A few weeks after meeting we started dating, unsure what we’d do once I left home for Utah in a couple of months.
When I left Hawaii, we thought it would be best to break up since we had no idea when we’d see each other again and since we’d only been dating for about two months. But after ending things, we couldn’t seem to stop talking. We were confused about the distance and it felt nearly impossible to see how we could make things work. This confusion and connection led us to break up and get back together a couple of times before finally deciding to be “all in,” despite the distance.
Photo by Kseniya Budko
Jumping forward in time, the cute boy is now my cute husband, and we now have many months of being in a long-distance relationship under our belt, including a couple of weeks at the beginning of our marriage.
Before my husband and I started dating remotely, I wasn’t aware of the complexities that dating from afar could entail. Whatever the type of romantic distance dating relationship you’re in — whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancé, or a husband/wife — dating from afar can bring several added challenges to your lives together. However, these challenges don’t mean the relationship needs to end.
Some might wonder, “Is virtual dating really that different from in-person dating now that we can have face-to-face conversations over the phone?” while others might feel the exact opposite, believing that long-distance is too risky and just isn’t worth it.
Research and my own experiences have taught me that dating from a distance can make things more challenging (Tower, 2016). However, strong relationships can grow and be nurtured from afar, just like they can be up close.
Photo by Askar Abayev

The challenges of distance

Long-distance relationships pose unique challenges. For example, the lack of physical touch can be difficult for couples. Physical touch helps cultivate an intense bond in romantic relationships (Chatel-Goldman et al., 2014) and transmits “a sense of being accepted and cared for” (The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 2018), so a lack of physical touch can take a toll on any relationship – even a strong one.
Dating remotely can also cause increased logistical challenges due to living in different time zones (Tower, 2016). I found that my husband and I had to be very intentional about setting aside time to spend with one another, or else it would easily become swallowed up in commitments to other things and people.
Photo by RODNAE Productions
Time differences can also require sacrifices; couples might need to change their normal schedule in order to make time for their partner, and they might miss out on social events back home. There are also costs associated with visiting each other (Tower, 2016), and these costs can add up quickly.
But distance doesn’t mean you have to feel emotionally distant from your love.
While there are struggles that can occur in long-distance relationships, they tend to lead back to the root of the problem: difficulty staying connected (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). There is no easy solution to time zones, a lack of physical touch, or the other problems that might occur due to the distance. However, when we focus on deepening our emotional relationship with our partner, we’ll find that there are ways we can stay connected to our partner, despite the miles between us.
Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA

Make it fun

If you’re anything like me, it can be easy to fall into a routine of doing the same things over FaceTime each night. Switch things up and make it fun!
One way to keep things fun and to stay connected is to take turns planning creative date nights. The Gottman Institute has found that one of the main reasons a marriage ends is because of a loss of intimacy and connection (Couples Training Institute, n.d.). Since research also shows that people may feel a difficulty staying connected to their partner when they see each other less often (Beckmeyer et al., 2021), it’s important to find ways to stay connected in your relationship so the ocean between you doesn’t make it easy for you to drift apart. Psychology Today teaches us that “regular date nights are one of the best ways to help prevent the ‘silent drift apart’ over time” that can occur between partners (Leyba, 2016).
Photo by cottonbro
If you’re having a hard time coming up with date night ideas, you can visit this website for ways to keep date night intentional and playful and this website for creative remote date night ideas.
Another way to keep things fun is to plan thoughtful surprises for each other. Some of my favorites are:
  • Have a friend who lives near your significant other drop off their favorite treat or something they’ve been craving
  • Send them snail mail. Make it feel like you’re with them by spraying it with their favorite perfume/cologne of yours
  • Text them a poem you’ve written to read first thing in the morning after waking
  • Surprise them with a romantic evening
Photo by Zen Chung

Create rituals

Daily rituals are an important part of any romantic relationship. As an article from The Gottman Institute teaches, rituals help us nurture the positive side of our relationship and help us avoid taking our relationship for granted (McFadden, 2017).
“Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in [relationships] and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your [relationship] every day.” (McFadden, 2017).
Photo by RODNAE Productions
The Gottman Institute teaches about three different rituals that prevent us from taking each other for granted: reunion rituals, times of undistracted communication, and appreciation rituals. While the article focuses on in-person relationships, these rituals, once slightly adjusted, can have a positive impact on long-distance couples as well.
For example, even when we are apart, my husband and I make sure we end each day with an appreciation ritual. We take time to share something we noticed that day that we appreciate in the other person. This ritual helped us feel connected while we were living apart and still does now that we are together.
Dating remotely requires a lot of intentional effort, just like any serious relationship does. Although virtual dating has challenges unique to the distance, researchers have found that geographically distant and close relationships have similar levels of happiness and commitment (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). When you are apart, find ways to connect, whether by having more fun, creating rituals, or something else. Being intentional about connecting with your significant other will help close the gap that separates you and your love, just like it has for me.
Photo by Arthur Ogleznev

References

Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H. (2021). Long-distance romantic relationships among college students: Prevalence, correlates, and dynamics in campus probability survey. Journal of American College Health, 1-5. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2021.1978464
Chatel-Goldman, J., Congedo, M., Jutten, C., & Schwartz, J. L. (2014). Touch increases autonomic coupling between romantic partners. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 8, 95. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2014.00095
Couples Training Institute. (n.d.) Gottman Couples & Marital Therapy. http://couplestraininginstitute.com/gottman-couples-and-marital-therapy/
Firmin, M. W., Firmin, R. L., Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 48(1), 57-71.
Leyba, E. (2016, January 17th). The 5 Active Ingredients of Date Night. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201601/the-5-active-ingredients-date-night
McFadden, P. (2017, October 11th). 3 Daily Rituals That Stop Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/
The Family Institute at Northwestern University. (2018, March 22) The Often-overlooked Importance of Physical Intimacy. https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/magic-touch
Tower, R. B. (2016, December 4th). 13 Challenges and Opportunities in Long-Distance Love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-refracted/201612/13-challenges-and-opportunities-in-long-distance-love

 

Annika Finley is from Holladay, Utah. She has a degree in Family Science from Brigham Young University, and is currently working on grad school applications. She and her husband live in Hawaii and love paddle boarding, exercising, and learning about the beautiful Hawaiian culture. Annika loves spending time with her family and always looks forward to traveling and experiencing new cultures with them. She has a passion for helping others and for being a healing influence in the world.
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Power Couples, Project Parent

Three Essentials of Family Travel

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Written by Shirley Anderson
Summer is here and with that comes a host of fun trips and vacations with the people we love most- family! These travel plans while providing a break from the mundane, can also play a central role in increasing long term familial quality of life and relationship satisfaction.
Experiencing events together as a family facilitates collective memory creation, familial bonding and creates ‘we-relationships’ which form the basis of family identity and culture (Jepson, 2019). Family travel has been found to improve communications, reduce the possibility of divorce, strengthen family bonds, and increase a sense of well-being in persons of all ages (Durko & Petrick, 2013). However, to enjoy these many benefits, a certain degree of preparation is required. Here are three essentials of family travel to help you get the most out of your next trip.
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Photo from pexels.com

If You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail

The success of your trip is largely determined by your preparation. Planning ahead is crucial and helps avoid unnecessary stress. Whether you are a self-proclaimed “planner” or a “wing-it” kind of person, it’s important to know the basic outline of your travel itinerary and goals. Often one person is left to do most of the planning but this responsibility can and should be shared with other family members to ensure everyone is on the same page and individual needs and expectations are met. Planning together can be a fun way to bond as you create opportunities to make collective memories.

You’re Still You When You Travel

As comically said in a recent SNL skit, “you’re still you when you travel.”  I think we often forget that when we travel, we are still the same people, just in a different place. So if you don’t enjoy hiking at home, you likely won’t enjoy it abroad. Similarly, If your family dynamics are strained at home, you can expect them to be strained while you travel as well. Time away from our day to day lives can be rejuvenating and serve as a needed ‘reset’ but unfortunately our problems and worries may very well accompany us on our adventures. Understanding this will help you tailor your travels to your family’s specific situation.
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Photo from pexels.com

Disconnect to Connect

My little family and I lived in Europe the last few years and found time and time again that the most meaningful experiences we shared were the ones we never took a picture of or even had our phones with us. We’ve been shocked to visit some of the world’s most beautiful sights and cities only to find a lot of people staring at a screen or seeing life through a lens rather than connecting with those around them. We often spend so much time trying to capture the perfect photo for our instagram feeds that we completely miss out on the lasting benefits of family travel. Of course, taking occasional photos can be a fun way to capture moments to look back on, but if there are no family memories to accompany them, the photos are ultimately worthless. Frequently disconnecting from technology will open the door to family connection and improved communications.
Putting these three family travel essentials in practice will prepare you for a summer filled with family fun and most importantly, strengthen your most valued relationships.
Personal Practice 1Sit down with your family and review your summer calendar with these essentials in mind!

References

Agate, J. R., Zabriskie, R. B., Agate, S. T., & Poff, R. (2009). Family leisure satisfaction and satisfaction with family life. Journal of Leisure Research, 41(2), 205–223.
Dolnicar, S., Yanamandram, V., & Cliff, K. (2012). The contribution of vacations to quality of life. Annals of Tourism Research, 39(1), 59–83. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.annals.2011.04.015
Durko, A. M., & Petrick, J. F. (2013). Family and Relationship Benefits of Travel Experiences: A Literature Review. Journal of Travel Research, 52(6), 720–730. https://doi.org/10.1177/0047287513496478
Jepson, A., Stadler, R., & Spencer, N. (2019). Making positive family memories together and improving quality-of-life through thick sociality and bonding at local community festivals and events. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tourman.2019.05.001

 

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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Project Parent

Practical Parenting Tips for Media Usage

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Written by Mariah Ramage
In a world filled with media, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. There are so many options for what to watch, listen to, or read, and technology allows for so many different ways to access those options. Media and technology are also constantly evolving. The internet, smartphones, tablets, internet-connected televisions — none of these options even existed just a few decades ago. As a parent, it can feel like a daunting task to both keep up with the changes and to help children navigate the media world safely.
Media usage has both benefits and risks. It can be a great way to connect with friends and get needed support when you are struggling. It can be used to raise awareness of important issues around the world. It also allows for new ideas, research, and other information to be shared between millions and even billions of people.
On the other hand, overuse has been linked to obesity and poor sleep. Preoccupation with media usage can lead children to disengage with real-life, with regards to both in-person relationships as well as responsibilities like schoolwork. There are also the online dangers of cyberbullying and sexting, which can have severe consequences for a child’s mental health.
So parents, where do you even start? Here are some tips on how you as a parent can help your children get the best out of media:

1. Awareness of content.

There is both good and bad content available in all forms of media. Rating systems exist, but let’s be realistic here: they’re confusing. They aren’t standardized across different types of media, and it’s not always clear what a specific rating means. This means you need to be familiar with exactly what your child is being exposed to, not just what the rating is. One website that makes this easier is Common Sense Media: You can get details on educational value, positive messages, positive role models and representations, violence and scariness, sexual content, language, consumerism, and drinking, drugs, and even smoking. You can read reviews from parents and children including age suggestions. My favorite part about this site is that it includes all media types – movies, TV, YouTube, books, games, apps, and websites – some of which don’t even have official rating systems.
  • An extra tip for when ratings actually do come in handy: For TV shows, every episode is rated separately. So while you might approve of a show in general, there might be an episode or two you would want to avoid. To know which ones, it’s useful to know what the content labels mean for TV shows:

TV_Ratings

2. Limits for children ages 0-5 years old.

While the growing brains of this age group makes it so they may learn how to use smart devices (perhaps even quicker than you did), they also don’t have the ability yet to tell the difference between the real world and the digital world. And so, the American Academy of Pediatrics has very specific recommendations for technology use:
  • Limit screen use to video-chat only for children under 2 years old.
  • Limit screen use to 1 hour a day of high-quality media for children 2-5, and watch with your children to help explain things and apply it to the real world for them. They still don’t know a lot about the world, so while the connections may seem obvious to you, they could use some explanations. One particularly good program for this age is Sesame Street – they use research to make sure their episodes are developmentally appropriate!
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Photo from pexels.com

3. Limits for children age 6 years old and up.

For older children and teenagers, it is important to have consistent limits for time spent on media and the types of media used. When in doubt, make sure kids have enough time for sleep, physical activity, schoolwork, chores, etc. and then let media fill in the gaps. When media goes first, you risk not having enough time for the things important to health and real life responsibilities. Also, know how to use the parental controls on your devices and streaming sites, like Netflix, to limit exposure to inappropriate content. If you’re unsure how to use them, try Googling it – you are most likely not the only one who has had that question.

4. Media-free zones and times.

Media is pervasive and can be invasive. Help your children by providing times and spaces for them to disconnect. There are different options for how this can look in your family, such as phone-free family dinners or a TV-free playroom. In particular, devices and TVs should be kept out of bedrooms when children should be getting ready for bed and sleeping. This will help limit how media use impacts sleep and decrease unsupervised/unmonitored media use.
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Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

5. Social Media.

Facebook is just the beginning. There are new social media sites and apps popping up every day, with varying degrees of popularity. Know which ones your child is using. Make sure the privacy settings are such that strangers won’t be able to track or target your child. Explain the safety concerns with using social media and the importance of not connecting with people they haven’t met before in real life. And equally important, teach them how to behave online. It is easy to be rude online when you can’t see the other person’s face. A good standard to set is if you wouldn’t say or do it in person, you shouldn’t do it online either. Teach them that they’re never really anonymous and what they say online can last forever — so make sure it’s something that they want to stick around or it might end up haunting them.
  • Bonus Tip: Using the same social media that your child does can help you to understand what it is and what it can mean to them. And it can encourage them to think twice before posting something if they know you’re going to see it.

6. Above all, teach your child how to judge media for themselves.

You’re not always going to be able to protect them from the negativity that is out there. Start when your kids are young with age-appropriate conversations. If they see something on TV that you don’t want them to copy, use it as a conversation-starter, an opportunity to talk about why what they saw was wrong and how they should behave instead. Teach them to be active consumers – questioning and critiquing what they see, not just absorbing it.
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Photo from pexels.com
There you have it. Six practical tips for parenting in the digital age. Just remember, these tips aren’t always easy to implement. No parent is perfect, and children love to push limits. You may not always be doing as well as you’d like with limiting and monitoring your children’s media usage, but you can always start again tomorrow.
And for those of you who may be wondering where to start with implementing these tips, check out the Family Media Use Plan from the American Academy of Pediatrics. You enter how old your children are, and it will walk you through the steps of deciding what boundaries you want to set for your children’s (and your own) media usage.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics Announces New Recommendations for Children’s Media Use. (2016, October 21). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/American-Academy-of-Pediatrics-Announces-New-Recommendations-for-Childrens-Media-Use.aspx
Media Use in Children and Adolescents. (2017, October 24). Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/ACH-News/General-News/Media-Use-in-Children-and-Adolescents
Family Media Use Plan. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx
Common Sense Media. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
TV Parental Guidelines. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://rating-system.wikia.com/wiki/TV_Parental_Guidelines

 

 

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Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
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