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Written by Dray Salcido

“The cure for pain is in the pain.” – Rumi 

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan 

For the most part, people avoid pain. Our brains are wired to fight, flight or freeze when they detect danger. Because most of us are no longer running from lions or physically fighting for our livelihoods, danger often shows up in less obvious ways. This includes mental health, interpersonal struggles, academic stress, neglect, physical illness, occupational pressure, familial betrayals, grief and loss, political contention and other situations that may not be life threatening, but are certainly painful. Our internal aching may not be apparent to those around us. Some of you may consider yourselves the silent sufferers of this world. Please know you’re not alone. There is hope for alleviation and transformation. This article explains that discomfort can be a wise teacher, and how we can benefit from our painful moments. 

Pain Challenges Us

Let’s examine a common plot of a story. The protagonist receives some call to adventure. They begin hopeful and excited. Perhaps even ignorant and innocent. As the story progresses, roadblocks, challenges and danger appear. Then there is a period of decision making. Will they rise up to the challenge, or turn back? Usually the hero will face their fears. They are pushed beyond their limits. Often there is a symbolic rebirth and transformation. The hero finishes their voyage finding that it was not what they expected in the slightest, yet they come out wiser and truer. They are whole as a result of their painful path. This is known as “the hero’s journey.”

When we watch a movie or read a book this narrative is so familiar to us, we often have no fear for the characters whose lives we observe. We trust that all will work out in the end, because it always does. While we may feel certain of the outcome, the character spends the majority of their story in the unknown. A few things are certain such as their call to adventure, or the facts of their surroundings. The rest of their life, however, is unclear to them, and usually their original intentions must change in order to meet the demands later placed on them. 

We love stories such as these because we relate to them. There is something so human, and even beautiful, about the sacredness of struggle. Yet, we forget so often that we, like the hero, must spend the majority of our own adventure in the unknown. If only we could remember that when we are in the thickest, most difficult parts of our tale. It is good to be impelled. Pain gives us a reason to learn; to overcome; to grow stronger. So, rise up to the challenge, even in your unknown. Trust that it will all work out – because it always does. 

Pain Connects Us

Masters of the wisdom traditions teach that pain is the great equalizer. Whether mental, emotional or physical it is a marvellous opportunity to connect with one another. Our natural tendency is to feel with others. It goes against our true nature to ignore our inner worlds, or to abandon others in their sorrow. A beautiful demonstration of this is from the movie Inside Out (Docter & Del Carmen, 2015). Riley, the hero, feels a great amount of discomfort throughout the film. She tries to cope by isolating, but only spirals further. When she finally shares her struggles with her parents, she feels deep love and gratitude from their listening ears and gentle hugs. Essentially their empathy heals her. The parent’s ability to see her for who she is in non-judgemental love makes her struggle worth it in the end. Connection is the goal in any story, including our own. 

Pain Deepens Us

A hero is willing to be in their pain for however long is necessary. Consider what was taught by J.R.R. Tolkien in the dialogue between two heroes:

Sam: It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding onto something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for. (Tolkien, 1991).

As imperfect people we frequently “turn back”. We betray our value system through numbing, abandoning, and blaming. We tell ourselves we won’t make it, can’t do it. The discomfort will consume us, ruin us or destroy us. However, avoiding our pain only intensifies it. Judging our suffering keeps us thinking in circles. Staying with our pain is the only way to come out the other side. This is far easier said than done. In fiction it appears obvious, worth the struggle or the practical choice. Our realities are much different. Our pain often lasts longer than the 2 hour film, or a 300 page novel. 

Our struggles may seem less dramatic, but more persistent than the characters in stories. Yet, storytelling can be a powerful way to work through the anxiety of necessary pain. Research suggests that rewriting your own narrative increases pain resilience (Nurser et. al, 2018). So, how can we rewrite our past narrative in a way that serves us? The following outlines this practice:

• In a journal start with a difficult past memory, and write out everything you felt and still feel about it. Be descriptive and honest. Identify the main takeaway or message you gleaned from this experience.

• Notice in your current life when that same message comes to mind, and write it down in the story you created. 

• Ask others connected to the memory how they remember it, and add their perspective to this narrative. 

• Now think of times when people proved you wrong. When someone did something, or something occurred that doesn’t fit the message from the past incident.

• Write another section of the things you’ve learned having lived through that experience, and ways you’ve grown stronger.  

• Once you’ve compiled all the data around this core belief, rewrite it in narrative form. Write this in third person. Be the author, not the main character and feel excited about the hero about which you’re writing. This final story should be at least a few pages.

• Notice the difference you see in the original perspective of the incident and the end of the story you’ve created. You’ll find that when the pen hits the paper it will lead you to a more hopeful resolution as your mind looks for meaning and purpose.

• Now, go share it with others. Tell your story. Inspire yourself and others through the power of storytelling. 

One study found that practicing sharing our stories and using our imaginations through conversation, journal writing and meditation can have positive effects on our overall health (Burton & King, 2009). So, be brave enough to day dream a little. We have to have the vision, even in the pain, to create the lives we want. 

And ultimately: Be grateful for what pain makes possible.

This Week:

1. Ask yourself, “What am I to learn from this pain?”

2. Listen. Be Open. Be patient. Learning what our pain is teaching can take time. Often it’s realized in hindsight.

3. Allow others to help you. Accepting love and support can feel like an added risk when you’re already in a dark spot. This choice is well worth it.

4. Practice more adaptive storytelling. Use your imagination to create bold and hopeful outcomes. Remember that heroes in stories don’t know they will prevail. They required faith just like we do.                                       

References

Burton, C. M., & King, L. A. (2009). The health benefits of writing about positive experiences: The role of broadened cognition. Psychology and Health, 24(8), 867-879. 

Docter, P., & Del Carmen, R. (2015). Inside Out. Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures. 

Nurser, K. P., Rushworth, I., Shakespeare, T., & Williams, D. (2018). Personal storytelling in mental health recovery. Mental Health Review Journal

Salcido, A. (2020). Heartfulness: Understanding our deep feelings and empathic nature. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/heartfulness-understanding-our-deep-feelings-and-empathic-nature/

Tolkien, J. R. R. (1991). The lord of the rings. HarperCollins.

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.