In today’s world of Facebook rants, cyberbullying, and Youtube trolling, it seems near impossible for anyone to share any sort of opinion without someone else jumping right on in to explain why they are wrong. The truth is, as human beings, we experience the world differently. Because of varying backgrounds, perspectives, and life experiences, we are going to have differing opinions, and yes, even disagreements! This is normal, healthy, and can even be helpful (read on to find out how…). However, most “discussions” that we see happening around us, particularly on social media, often turn into anything short of an all-out riot rather than helping us find mutual understanding and empathy. So how can we avoid this? How can we disagree with someone and still remain civil (and maybe even benefit from the disagreement)?
Step 1: Keep it Private
Facebook is NOT the place for a conversation where you are seeking to understand or be understood. If you want to have a real conversation with someone where mutual understanding is the goal, be intentional about having that conversation in some sort of private setting (whether that is in person or not). Consider having a video chat or at least a phone call so that you are able to notice body language and voice cues rather than just reading a text (it’s been argued that the actual words we say only make up about 7% of what we communicate (Mehrabian, 1967), so being able to read other non-verbal cues helps lower the possibility of misunderstanding). Create a space where both participants can feel safe, and free from fear of judgment or attack.
Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash
Step 2: Listen and Learn
The most beautiful part about associating with people you disagree with is that we can all learn from each other. If we all thought the same, we wouldn’t need each other. Our varying experiences allow us to gain perspective, and to work together to make this world a better place! The goal of a conversation where there is disagreement on an issue should be empathy, not “winning”. Empathy (taking on someone else’s perspective) is what turns conflict from something divisive into something productive (check out our other articles here, here, and here to learn more about the power of empathy). It can help us come out of the other side of an argument feeling closer and more understanding towards each other. When you listen with empathy, you also have a better chance of learning something from the disagreement, whether or not what you learn changes your opinion. The point is, strive to see disagreement as an opportunity for connection and understanding rather than a fight to be won.
Step 3: Don’t Put People In a Box
When we disagree with someone on a specific issue, it can be easy to make assumptions about other parts of their lives. Just because someone thinks one way about one matter, doesn’t mean that you can assume that you know all of their other thoughts and feelings. When you notice yourself making an assumption about someone, stop, take a mental step back, and ask yourself, “What is something true (not an assumption) that I know about this person?” Are they a loving parent? A good friend? A hard worker? Rather than getting caught up in your diverging opinions, focus on positive qualities that you KNOW they possess and allow those to shape your opinion of them.
Step 4: Avoid Black and White Thinking
We’ve all heard the adage, “You’re either with me or against me.” Black and white thinking involves the perspective that there is only one way to do or see something. This thinking pattern can be incredibly harmful when we are trying to communicate with others. When it comes to people’s experiences, thoughts, and choices, chances are they are FAR more nuanced and complicated than we can understand from just a single opinion. When you are having a disagreement, remember that the person you are talking to is part of your same human family and that having a certain opinion doesn’t automatically make you enemies.
Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash
Step 5: The Care is Still There
Finally, it’s important to realize that you can disagree with someone and still care about them. When we disagree about an issue, it can be easy to take that disagreement personally. This builds on the previous steps. Creating a private space of mutual respect, safety, and empathy, along with avoiding assumptions and black and white thinking can help someone to know that you still care for them, even if you disagree.
Even though disagreement can sometimes be uncomfortable, we don’t need to be afraid of it. When we keep conversations civil and make connection our mutual goal, our different opinions can be a source of learning, empathy, and progress rather than venom and frustration. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, slow down and try to remember that relationships are more important than always being “right”.
The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.
Mansfield, K. C., & Jean-Marie, G. (2015). Courageous conversations about race, class, and gender: Voices and lessons from the field. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 28(7), 819–841. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/09518398.2015.1036950
Mehrabian, A., & Wiener, M. (1967). Decoding of inconsistent communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 109-114.
Moffitt, U., & Syed, M. (2020). Ethnic-racial identity in action: Structure and content of friends’ conversations about ethnicity and race. Identity: An International Journal of Theory and Research. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15283488.2020.1838804
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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
As a recovering perfectionist, this is a truth I am learning to embrace.
I have always tried to justify my perfectionism by telling myself that perfectionism is a good thing, that perfectionism is just me striving to improve myself. In reality, though, perfectionism holds you and I back from being our very best selves.
In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,”Brené Brown describes that, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best….Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.… Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
Photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash
Let that sink in a little. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life so worried about what other people think that I don’t live freely, bravely, and authentically.
In a recent study of 41,641 college students, researchers Curran and Hill (2017) found that perfectionism has increased significantly over the past twenty-seven years. Curran and Hill speculate that this increase is likely due to society becoming increasingly individualistic and materialistic. In addition, young people are faced with more unrealistic expectations than previous generations.
So what can we do about it?
First, calm the comparisons.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In our current society, especially with the influence of social media, it can be so easy to compare ourselves with the best in other people, but this can steal our joy.
In her book “For the Love,” Jen Hatmaker describes how easy it is to fall into this trap of comparison. She explains, “the trouble is, we have close-up access to [people] who excel in each individual sphere. With social media and its carefully selected messaging… we make note of their achievements… then we combine the best of everything we see, every woman (or man) we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that.”
If we step back from the screen, however, we are able to recognize how unfair it is to compare ourselves with the very best in other people. Rather than compare, take time to recognize that we each have unique strengths and gifts that we bring to the world. Appreciate your own talents and successes and compliment the talents and successes of others without making it a competition.
Second, challenge the “all-or-nothing” mentality.
Perfectionism thrives on an “all-or-nothing” mentality. According to therapists at the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Center of Los Angeles, “all-or-nothing thinking refers to thinking in extremes. You are either a success or a failure. Your performance was totally good or totally bad. If you are not perfect, then you are a failure. This binary way of thinking does not account for shades of gray, and can be responsible for a great deal of negative evaluations of yourself and others.”
Photo on Daryan Shamkhali on Unsplash
Here are a few examples:
Example 1:You lose your patience with your child. Rather than beat yourself up with thoughts like, “I am such a bad mom!” try something more kind such as, “I am a good mom who lost her patience.”
Example 2:You set a goal to exercise five days this week but you miss a day. Rather than jump to thoughts like, “I am so lazy! I never do what I say I am going to do!” try something like, “I did not exercise today, but I have done really well the other days. I am excited to try again tomorrow!”
Example 3:You show up late to a meeting. Rather than fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking with comments like, “I am always late! I am so irresponsible. Why do I even try?” try thinking something more positive such as, “I did not make it right on time to the meeting, but I still came which shows my dedication. I am proud of myself for showing up.”
Rather than only seeing yourself as a “success” or “failure,” try giving yourself a little grace and some space to be human.
Third, embrace being a beginner.
As a perfectionist, it is easy to fall into the trap of not trying things simply due to fear of failure or fear of what people might think. The trouble with that, though, is that when we cease to experience we cease to become. Trying things and learning from our experiences is an essential part of being human.
Photo from pexels.com
AnxietyBC explains that, “having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect… Facing fears in a gradual and consistent manner is the most effective way to overcome phobias, and is called “exposure”. For example, the best way to overcome a dog phobia is to gradually spend time with dogs, to learn that they are not as scary and dangerous as you initially thought. Similarly, overcoming your “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect involves doing just that–gradually and purposely making mistakes and coming across as imperfect. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly.”
So next time you want to bow out, avoid a situation, or say no simply because you are afraid of failure, choose courage. Enjoy the fun of giving yourself permission to be imperfect. Embrace mistakes as growth opportunities.
Conclusion
Overcoming perfectionistic tendencies isn’t easy, but it does open up a world of joy and opportunity we can’t fully experience when we are grasping onto the idea of “perfection”. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good, and remember, you are enough.
Do something that sounds fun to you without worrying about what other people might think! Turn up the music and dance your heart out, sing your favorite song with the windows rolled down, or wear that outfit you absolutely love but that hides in the back of your closet because it’s not “in style.”
References
Brown, B. C. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2017, December 28). Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138
Hatmaker, J. (2015). For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards. Nashville, TN: Nelson Books.
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
In a world filled with media, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. There are so many options for what to watch, listen to, or read, and technology allows for so many different ways to access those options. Media and technology are also constantly evolving. The internet, smartphones, tablets, internet-connected televisions — none of these options even existed just a few decades ago. As a parent, it can feel like a daunting task to both keep up with the changes and to help children navigate the media world safely.
Media usage has both benefits and risks. It can be a great way to connect with friends and get needed support when you are struggling. It can be used to raise awareness of important issues around the world. It also allows for new ideas, research, and other information to be shared between millions and even billions of people.
On the other hand, overuse has been linked to obesity and poor sleep. Preoccupation with media usage can lead children to disengage with real-life, with regards to both in-person relationships as well as responsibilities like schoolwork. There are also the online dangers of cyberbullying and sexting, which can have severe consequences for a child’s mental health.
So parents, where do you even start? Here are some tips on how you as a parent can help your children get the best out of media:
1. Awareness of content.
There is both good and bad content available in all forms of media. Rating systems exist, but let’s be realistic here: they’re confusing. They aren’t standardized across different types of media, and it’s not always clear what a specific rating means. This means you need to be familiar with exactly what your child is being exposed to, not just what the rating is. One website that makes this easier is Common Sense Media: You can get details on educational value, positive messages, positive role models and representations, violence and scariness, sexual content, language, consumerism, and drinking, drugs, and even smoking. You can read reviews from parents and children including age suggestions. My favorite part about this site is that it includes all media types – movies, TV, YouTube, books, games, apps, and websites – some of which don’t even have official rating systems.
An extra tip for when ratings actually do come in handy: For TV shows, every episode is rated separately. So while you might approve of a show in general, there might be an episode or two you would want to avoid. To know which ones, it’s useful to know what the content labels mean for TV shows:
2. Limits for children ages 0-5 years old.
While the growing brains of this age group makes it so they may learn how to use smart devices (perhaps even quicker than you did), they also don’t have the ability yet to tell the difference between the real world and the digital world. And so, the American Academy of Pediatrics has very specific recommendations for technology use:
Limit screen use to video-chat only for children under 2 years old.
Limit screen use to 1 hour a day of high-quality media for children 2-5, and watch with your children to help explain things and apply it to the real world for them. They still don’t know a lot about the world, so while the connections may seem obvious to you, they could use some explanations. One particularly good program for this age is Sesame Street – they use research to make sure their episodes are developmentally appropriate!
Photo from pexels.com
3. Limits for children age 6 years old and up.
For older children and teenagers, it is important to have consistent limits for time spent on media and the types of media used. When in doubt, make sure kids have enough time for sleep, physical activity, schoolwork, chores, etc. and then let media fill in the gaps. When media goes first, you risk not having enough time for the things important to health and real life responsibilities. Also, know how to use the parental controls on your devices and streaming sites, like Netflix, to limit exposure to inappropriate content. If you’re unsure how to use them, try Googling it – you are most likely not the only one who has had that question.
4. Media-free zones and times.
Media is pervasive and can be invasive. Help your children by providing times and spaces for them to disconnect. There are different options for how this can look in your family, such as phone-free family dinners or a TV-free playroom. In particular, devices and TVs should be kept out of bedrooms when children should be getting ready for bed and sleeping. This will help limit how media use impacts sleep and decrease unsupervised/unmonitored media use.
Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash
5. Social Media.
Facebook is just the beginning. There are new social media sites and apps popping up every day, with varying degrees of popularity. Know which ones your child is using. Make sure the privacy settings are such that strangers won’t be able to track or target your child. Explain the safety concerns with using social media and the importance of not connecting with people they haven’t met before in real life. And equally important, teach them how to behave online. It is easy to be rude online when you can’t see the other person’s face. A good standard to set is if you wouldn’t say or do it in person, you shouldn’t do it online either. Teach them that they’re never really anonymous and what they say online can last forever — so make sure it’s something that they want to stick around or it might end up haunting them.
Bonus Tip: Using the same social media that your child does can help you to understand what it is and what it can mean to them. And it can encourage them to think twice before posting something if they know you’re going to see it.
6. Above all, teach your child how to judge media for themselves.
You’re not always going to be able to protect them from the negativity that is out there. Start when your kids are young with age-appropriate conversations. If they see something on TV that you don’t want them to copy, use it as a conversation-starter, an opportunity to talk about why what they saw was wrong and how they should behave instead. Teach them to be active consumers – questioning and critiquing what they see, not just absorbing it.
Photo from pexels.com
There you have it. Six practical tips for parenting in the digital age. Just remember, these tips aren’t always easy to implement. No parent is perfect, and children love to push limits. You may not always be doing as well as you’d like with limiting and monitoring your children’s media usage, but you can always start again tomorrow.
And for those of you who may be wondering where to start with implementing these tips, check out the Family Media Use Plan from the American Academy of Pediatrics. You enter how old your children are, and it will walk you through the steps of deciding what boundaries you want to set for your children’s (and your own) media usage.
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
I sat down months ago and began to write a post titled #relationshipgoals – An article for the new year to inspire us all to set goals to improve our relationships. The title was nothing more than a clever idea I had pulled from a hashtag I had seen many times on social media. The more I looked into the hashtag, however, the less it seemed to fit with the mission and purpose of the Healthy Humans Project.
I’ve since learned that #relationshipgoals or #goals are both used all over the internet by people looking at a snapshot into the life of someone else – and wanting that for themselves. It goes beyond just wanting, though. In many of these instances, the attitude behind the hashtag is more of a focus on what we lack as opposed to what we would like to become in our relationships.
(It’s easy to look at photos like these and blame the publisher for the way it makes us feel about ourselves and our relationships. This is not fair. It is not their fault when we are the ones following and comparing ourselves to them.)
Comparison: The Thief of Joy
If you are involved in the world of instagrammer and blogger “influencers,” you may have noticed a change in the conversation over the last week. Influencers from all over are looking at the rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide in the United States and are starting to look inward to see how the perceived life of perfection portrayed in their feed might be adding to the negativity epidemic.
Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash
A call for awareness and greater authenticity has been ringing through my instagram feed over the last 4 days, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. The realization is this: Instagram, blogs and other social media platforms have become a place of showcasing snapshots of our best angles, our funniest stories, the cleanest areas of our houses, and the best moments in our relationships. From the outside looking in, the 5% “reality” we see on social media is the epitome of perfection; and when compared with what we see in our own 100% reality, our lives are ALWAYS going to fall short. Every. Single. Time. Can you see how this might be detrimental?
Some adults have the skill and ability to be able to make the distinction and utilize the inspiration of others in healthy ways. But based on the numbers we see and the effects of mainstream media, the unfortunate reality we are facing must be that more and more of us every day can not make the distinction between the 5% and our 100%. We are falling victim to the effects of what I like to call the “instagram epidemic”. The impact on individuals can be life threatening (recent findings by researcher Dr. Jean Twenge have shown that there was a 50% increase in clinical depression between 2011 and 2015, and a substantial increase in child, teen, and young adult suicide rates), and the impact on relationships may be just as bad.
3 Ways to Protect Yourself From The Epidemic:
1. Unfollow Go through your social media and unfollow any account that makes you feel less about yourself, your life, or your relationship. It is easy to place blame on outside sources for our own lack of judgement. The truth of the matter is that the power is in YOUR hands. Only YOU can control your happiness.
Photo by Tomos Kay Photography
2. Gratitude Start everyday with gratitude for the things you do have. A practice of daily gratitude can completely change your mental state from a focus on where you fall short to a focus on how blessed you are to have what you have.
Photo by Positive Republic
3. Try Don’t be afraid to try new things… especially things you think you may fail at. Just because you see someone doing something perfectly on social media, doesn’t mean they always did it that way.
They may look like this now,
but at one point they probably looked like this and may have actually peed a little bit in the process too.
The bottom line is this… life is to be enjoyed and not just endured. You have to power to cut out the negative, to focus on the positive, and to combat fear of failure by trying new things.
Fardouly, J., Diedrichs, P. C., Vartanian, L. R., & Halliwell, E. (2015). Social comparisons on social media: The impact of Facebook on young women’s body image concerns and mood. Body Image, 13, 38–45. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.12.002
Hanley, S. M., Watt, S. E., & Coventry, W. (2019). Taking a break: The effect of taking a vacation from Facebook and Instagram on subjective well-being. PLoS ONE, 14(6). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0217743
Sherlock, M., & Wagstaff, D. L. (2019). Exploring the relationship between frequency of Instagram use, exposure to idealized images, and psychological well-being in women. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 8(4), 482–490. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ppm0000182
Twenge, J. M., PhD. (2017). IGen: why todays super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy– and completely unprepared for adulthood (and what this means for the rest of us). New York, NY: Atria Books.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.