There are a lot of opinions out there about singleness. From books, to movies, to research, to your parents; if you’re a single person, or have ever been a single person, you’ve been there (or are there), wading through a myriad of self-doubt and endless conversations with your friends about what the heck you’re doing wrong.
While it might be easier to write a long list of complaints and frustrations about dating and singlehood, it is my hope to offer some suggestions and guidance to make navigating the massive volcano of singleness a little bit easier. These are three areas that I work on remembering when the fears and frustrations about being single start to creep in.
1. Stop playing the comparison game.
We hear of the dangers of comparison all the time, but why exactly can it be so dangerous? One reason is that comparison is usually inaccurate. We often compare our worst moments to someone else’s best. We take someone else’s relationship at face value, rather than realizing that while romantic relationships can be an incredible well of happiness, being in one doesn’t automatically make it fulfilling or make one happy.
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash
There are further dangers in playing the comparison game. In a study by Swallow and Kuiper (1988), they theorized that certain distorted views of the self may arise and be maintained by social comparison. They found evidence that social comparison, that is, using “social information to evaluate [one’s] own abilities and opinions,” can increase depressive symptoms in an individual.
It is especially easy in the current social climate to compare. An increase in the use and availability of social media can make it seem like everyone else is ahead of you, more attractive than you, happier than you, and more successful than you.
A few keys to beating the comparison game? Remind yourself that life isn’t a competition and that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. Work on practicing gratitude for your life and the beautiful things in it. If social media is really getting you down, make a goal to take a break from it for a while.
2. It’s okay to be sad.
Anyone who has talked with me at length knows that I am a big fan of letting yourself feel things. We weren’t made to be happy all the time. It’s such an unrealistic standard. Sometimes being single when we want to be in a relationship is really hard. We struggle and try and it seems fruitless. We see friends and family members get engaged and married and feel keenly the desire to have those same experiences. We want to love and to be loved. Those are worthy and healthy desires.
So, am here to tell you it’s okay to be sad about being single. It’s okay to feel frustrated with dating. It’s okay to think this article you’re reading is dumb and unhelpful. Letting ourselves feel what we feel without judgment, can help us move past those feelings and use them more productively.
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A current form of therapy used by a variety of mental health professionals is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. The goal of ACT is not to eliminate difficult feelings, but to sit with them, and work with them. Accepting where you are, here and now, can be incredibly freeing. So, if you need to spend an evening with a bucket of ice-cream wondering why this is so hard, go for it, remembering that what matters at the end of the day is getting up and trying again tomorrow.
3. Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones worth having.
Society loves to put romantic relationships on a pedestal. They become the end all be all of movies, music, and television. Now, I love a good chick-flick every now and then. I also love LOVE. I am in no way disparaging the importance and benefits of romantic relationships and the levels of intimacy they can reach.
However, it’s easy to assume that the only kind of relationships worth having are romantic ones when that is goal of nearly every protagonist in pop-culture, and pop-culture loves to leave out all the hard, disappointing, and frustrating aspects of romantic relationships. Societal and cultural expectations also put a heavy emphasis on romantic relationships, which can add to the stress of being single.
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Fostering deep and abiding platonic friendships is so important to our overall happiness and wellbeing. Demir and Davidson (2013) found that friendship consistently correlated to happiness, but not just any kind of friendships will do. They postulated that friendships where there was a fulfillment of basic psychological needs, such as connectedness with, and feeling needed by others, were more positively related to happiness.
Developing and maintaining friendships where both parties feel appreciated, needed, and supported is available to us, regardless of romantic attachment. Reach out to the people you love, ask for help and support when you need it, and remember that you are not alone on your journey.
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There are countless other aspects of being single I could continue to talk about, but I’ll leave you with a short anecdote.
Recently I was talking with a mentoring figure in my life whom I greatly respect. I was venting my frustrations with dating and expressing how hopeless finding a romantic partner can feel sometimes. As I finished expressing my concerns and fears, this wonderful mentor validated my frustrations and told me to never give up. But he wasn’t talking about never giving up on dating, he was telling me to never give up on myself. And that’s the message I’d like to leave with you, never give up on yourself. Wherever your dating journey takes you, I implore you to remember that your worth is not defined by the labels of single or taken.
Choose a non-romantic relationship to nurture and further develop this week.
References
Swallow, S. R., & Kuiper, N. A. (1988). Social comparison and negative self-evaluations: An application to depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(1), 55-76.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour research and therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts, feelings of mattering, and satisfaction of basic psychological needs in same-sex best friendships as predictors of happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525-550.
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.
1. Sense of Self
Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together.
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2. Empathy
Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).
3. Respects Boundaries
Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time.
Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash
4. Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.
But how can you REALLY tell?
These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Golden Rule
Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Dating is difficult. I know this because I am right there with you – In the trenches, as it were. Truly, there is happiness and sorrow that can be found in EVERY phase of life, but being single certainly has its unique challenges.
When we created the Healthy Humans Project, we dreamed for it to be a place where ALL individuals and families could turn to learn and develop skills that will help them find wellness – no matter what phase of life they are in.
As a single individual working on this project, however, I recognized a hole in our topics that felt important to address. What does the research say about singleness and dating, I wondered? It’s about time we figured that out! This is why we are excited to announce that we have created the “Single Souls” subcategory – Here you will be able to find articles about relationships that are geared toward those of us in the singlehood.
PLEASE DON’T FORGET that one of the main goals of Healthy Humans Project is that ALL might find ways to relate with each article, and the “Single Souls” articles will be no different. The hope is that while these are written directly for single individuals, there can be helpful nuggets found for everyone in each one.
Because this is so new, we really want your feedback about what YOU want to learn on the topics of dating/singleness. What questions do you have? What unique challenges did you face or are you currently facing as a single individual?
We need your input.
Please contact us on the “Contact Us” form, through our post on instagram or facebook, or in our direct messages. Friday, August 9, 2019, we will choose THREE RANDOM INDIVIDUALS who have given input to reward with a $10 gift card of your choice.
Get excited about what’s to come! And as always, thank you for showing up and being a part of this community.
Love,
Sydney Tittle & The HHP Team
P.S. Check this out…
The OG Tinder Profile
The history of “online dating” is fascinating! Sources say that the first known “personal ad” was published in a British agricultural journal in 1685.
“A Gentleman about 30 years of age” who “would willingly match himself to some good young gentlewoman…”
Can you imagine THAT on a tinder profile? Probably not. Hundreds of years have passed. Some things remain the same, but so much is different. Not only has the platform changed, but attitudes, exposure, opportunity, and purpose have as well. Just in the last 10 years, there seems to have been a complete cultural shift in the dating world. Some main contributors to this could be the birth of instagram, dating apps, and widespread use of smartphones. Humans have LEVELED UP on their mate selection tactics.
Coming Soon! – 3 Challenges of Modern Dating, and what we can do about it!: A 3-Part Series
Sydney Tittleis an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
Choose a non-romantic relationship to nurture and further develop this week.
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
