In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be.
Side 1: Physical
There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences.
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most?
Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007)
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?).
What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together!
For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018)
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually.
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future?
Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex).
If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.
References
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022- 3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature,19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
We’ve all seen the tabloids at the grocery store checkout, “best sex of your life!!!” or “positions that will make him hot” and other variations of the same message that are frequent attention grabbers on the covers of Cosmopolitan magazine and others of the like. What really constitutes great sex though? Sexual positions? Let’s be honest, not all of us are Olympic gymnasts so there are really only so many variations of the same basic, and frankly more comfortable, positions. Is it the number of orgasms? What is it?
Researchers have asked this same question and the results might surprise you. Great sex has only a little to do with orgasm and nothing to do with exotic sex positions. The researchers found that “great sex” is composed of seven major components with two minor components or considerations (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).
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Component #1: Being Present, Focused, and Embodied
The first and most commonly reported component identified was “being present, focused and embodied” during the sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). In other words, don’t be thinking about the pile of dishes in the sink or how the lawn needs to be mowed or about problems at work. Be present. Be mentally there as you engage in the experience of sex with your loved one.
Component #2: Connection, Alignment, and Being in Synch
This implies a depth of connection. That’s right, hook-ups probably aren’t going to result in truly great sex, but sex in a relationship where you have invested time, energy, and emotion will. In order to create this deep connection, Dr. Sue Johnson has prescribed caregiving and attention to one’s spouse or partner (Johnson & Zucarini, 2010). It may seem simplistic but it rings true; time, investment, and care for one another serve to deepen emotional connections which then intensify the sexual experience.
Photo from pexels.com
Component #3: Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy
While this component may sound a bit more predictable, what does it actually mean though apart from engaging in sex? In the study, one woman described this as feeling “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” by her husband (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). It is one thing to be “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” in general and it is another thing to receive that kind of devotion in the sexual sphere. Sex is deeply personal and one of the very most intimate acts we can engage in as human beings, demonstrating acceptance and devotion to one’s partner in sex creates a deeper kind of intimacy.
Component #4: Extraordinary Communication and Heightened Empathy
It might be that you and your partner feel this deep emotional and sexual connection to one another but there is no way of knowing and trusting in that without extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. So what is it that makes communication extraordinary? The study described this superior form of communication as a couple’s “complete sharing of themselves, both verbally and non-verbally, with their partners before, during and after sexual encounters” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and satisfaction have shown to be deeply connected (Yoo et al., 2014); sharing your feelings and personal experiences with your partner are a great way to heighten your emotional connection. It is also important to recognize that this kind of complete sharing also requires a complete form of listening and acceptance.
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Component #5: Being Authentic, Genuine, Transparent and Uninhibited
While this concept may seem similar to the complete sharing of extraordinary communication, it differs in the way that it is a feeling of freedom to be yourself with your partner rather than an act of communication. This can come in many forms such as confidence in your partner’s love for you, trust that your partner does find you attractive, or a self-assurance that you are a competent lover. True authenticity in couple and sexual relationships enables the couple to “let go” during the sexual experience and freely enjoy it for what it is.
Component #6: Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking, and Fun
I think that far too often in life we forget to have fun and enjoy the moments we are in. Dr. Sue Johnson once called sex a “safe adventure” (Johnson, 2015) and it’s true; when we have invested time and energy and love into a relationship, we are free to enjoy the safe adventure of sex. Take the time to explore with one another. Is there something that you’ve always wanted to try? Suggest it to your partner! Is there a new position you heard about? Suggest it and try it if your partner is willing. Enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let go and feel comfortable in doing so.
Component #7: Vulnerability and Surrender
In my opinion, being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. On vulnerability researcher Brené Brown has said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome… it’s not a weakness; it’s the greatest measure of courage.” True vulnerability allows us to let go of ourselves into the hands of another person and creates a couple-focused approach to the sexual experience.
Photo from pexels.com
The two minor elements of great sex are orgasm and “chemistry” or physical attraction to one another. So much emphasis is placed on these two factors in the tabloids and in books and movies, but the research has shown that they are barely contributing factors. The good news in all of this is that the most important components of great sex are things we can work to CREATE. We can work as couples to be present in the sexual experience, we can work to become more aligned, we can work to improve our communication and listening skills, we can work on being authentic and being ourselves. We don’t have to wish for better sexual chemistry or hope for an intense orgasm to have a great and bonding sexual experience.
Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
Not currently sexually active? Consider choosing a component that you can practice NOW either on your own, or in one of your relationships, such as being present, strengthening communication, or empathy.
Johnson, S. & Zuccarini, D. (2010). Integrating sex and attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 36(4), 431-445.
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, D. A., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009) The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18(1-2), 1-13.
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Let’s be honest, talking to kids about sex is hard! It can be awkward, and tough to know how to handle a topic that some couples aren’t even comfortable discussing with each other (if this is you, we need to talk). We’ve previously posted some guidelines to help you have healthier conversations with your kids about their bodies and sexuality, but today, I’d like to focus on one essential point that we often forget to mention when we are talking to our kids about this topic:
SEX IS GOOD.
Let me say that again – sex is a wonderful, helpful, beautiful, GOOD thing that should be a regular part of our marriages! Sex gives committed couples the opportunity to get to know each other better, to connect physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, and to have fun exploring and deepening their relationship. Not to mention, it has the amazing power to bring children into the world!
Photo by Ádám Szabó on Unsplash
When we fail to help our kids understand the positive power of their sexuality and how it can benefit their committed relationships, we run the risk of them missing out on all of the amazing things that a good sexual relationship can bring to their lives.
Many parents hope that their children will wait until marriage to become sexually active. To be honest, this is what I hope for my kids! There are so many emotional and physical benefits to sexual exclusivity (lower risk for STD’s, deeper trust and connection over time, emotional safety, even better sex). But unfortunately, this hope can often skew a parent’s view on how they should talk with their kids about sex. Parents often either heavily emphasize the “don’ts” associated with sex, or they avoid discussing anything but the bare minimum when it comes to their children’s bodies. They think that if they talk to their kids about the good side of sex, it will make them just want to go out and have sex with everyone. But research has actually shown the opposite. When parents have healthy discussions about sexuality with their kids, and put that sexuality in the context of healthy committed relationships, kids are actually more likely to value sex and the power that it can have in their relationships, as well as make healthier sexual decisions. On the other hand, avoiding the topic, or only focusing on the negative consequences of premarital sex only creates fear and shame surrounding anything connected to sexuality – something that can seriously hinder a person’s ability to perform sexually later on in an appropriate setting.
For parents who aren’t as concerned about their children waiting for marriage, talking about the context of healthy committed relationships is still vital. While consent, safe sex, and gender identity are all important parts of conversations regarding sexuality, helping children understand the positive power that sex can have in strengthening their relationships will help set them up for sexual success.
Photo from pexels.com
So how do we help our kids understand that sex is good without encouraging them to be promiscuous? Context is the key. If we talk to our kids about how sex is a wonderful and powerful thing that can really benefit and enhance our marriages, and help them to understand why they should wait to have sex, they are far more likely to want to make that choice themselves.
So whenever you discuss sex with your children (which should be frequently as they mature physically and emotionally), make sure that they know that sex is a positive thing! It can express deep love and commitment, and can bring you so much closer to the person you choose to spend your life with. As you help them to know that their bodies are beautiful and powerful, you empower your children to make wiser choices about their personal sexuality. And when the time comes for them to share that part of themselves with someone they love, knowing that sex is a good thing will make those experiences all the more meaningful for them.
Think about and write down a few of the reasons why sex is important to you. How can it strengthen your own relationship? Developing in your self a belief that sex is positive is the first step to helping your children have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality.
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Shoop, D. M., & Davidson, P. M. (1994). AIDS and adolescents: The relation of parent and partner communication to adolescent condom use. Journal of Adolescence, 17(2), 137-148. http://dx.doi.org/10.1006/jado.1994.1014
Stone, N., & Ingham, R. (2002). ‘Factors affecting British teenagers’ contraceptive use at first intercourse: The importance of partner communication. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 34(4), 191–197
Wellings, K., Nanchahal, K., Macdowall, W., McManus, S., Erens, B., Mercer, C. H., et al. (2001). Sexual behaviour in Britain: Early heterosexual experience. The Lancet, 358, 1843–1850.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Talking to your kids about sex is important, and it is not a one-time conversation. Discussing sexuality with your kids should be a relatively frequent conversation because the development and needs of children change as they mature. Growing up can be confusing, and talking about sensitive material can make parents uncomfortable. But as a parent, you are your child’s primary educator. What you say and what you don’t say teaches your children about sexuality, body image, and romantic relationships. Reflect: How do you approach touchy topics? What could you be verbally and nonverbally teaching your children? Here’s a crash course to help you guide your child through all the emotions and hormones and questions and relationships.
1. Remove the culture of shame.
Remember that as the parent, you are their number one resource for messages about sex. Like I said, what you say and what you don’t say communicates a lot to your kids. And kids are smart. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, your kids will sense that. If you freak out when your kids ask questions, they will stop asking and instead will turn to answers from Google and the locker room. My guess is that you don’t want that. There’s a lot of inaccurate information out there. The way you approach sexuality must be natural and comfortable to prevent kids from feeling ashamed of their questions and completely natural feelings changes in their bodies.
2. Answer questions honestly.
Provide age appropriate, honest, and medically accurate answers. In this climate, professionals agree that children should know the basic process of sex and its function by the time they are eight years old. When I tell parents this, some agree and some panic. That’s understandable. But the world is become hypersexualized. And remember, the average age of first exposure to pornography is age ten. If your child saw pornography, but had never had a conversation about healthy sexuality with you, their reaction to that stimulus could be negative and even damaging. By being honest about where babies come from, you remove shame and awkwardness as well as confusion and curiosity.
Photo from pexels.com
If you are uncomfortable answering a question, practice in the mirror. Children hear some crazy things at school, and they are going to ask. Elementary school kids are hearing about R-rated topics from their peers. If you can’t answer their questions in the moment without losing your mind, thank your child for asking you. Then tell them that you want to talk to their other parent and/or do some research on how to answer their question. Give them a specific time in which you will follow up. Answer the same day if possible. For example, “Thank you for coming to me with that question. That’s a tough one. I would like to talk to your dad/mom about how to answer that question. I will come and talk to you about it after dinner tonight.” Then go practice giving your answer in the mirror until you are completely comfortable saying it and showing no degree of shock or anxiety. And follow up on time! If you don’t follow up, you may demonstrate to your child that you are afraid to have tough conversations, and that can close down that communication that is so essential.
3. Get comfortable using correct medical terminology.
It’s that simple. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. They are medical terms to describe parts of the body. Imagine if you called your elbow a hoohah. You’d probably be ashamed of it. Referring to parts of the body accurately helps to prevent shame and keeps things clear.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Uterus is not a dirty word either! We need to stop saying, “the baby is in Mommy’s tummy”. It’s not. When I was a kid and my mother told me this, I was so confused. I pictured a little baby floating around in all of this digested food. I also knew that food turned to fecal matter, and so the picture of babies floating in fecal matter confused me even more. It didn’t make sense. A parent once insisted that it was impossible to explain a uterus to a young child. Watch this: “The baby is growing in Mommy’s uterus. It’s a warm place just for the baby to grow.”
4. Remember that sexuality is an important part of human life and is normal.
Again, this is pretty simple. As your kids grow and develop, they can be confused by the messages about sex that the world sends, images they see, things their peers say and do, and the way their bodies change. Be prepared to face these issues with them. They are growing, and their developing sexuality is a good thing. Help them see their sexuality as normal and teach them to make healthy decisions about their sexuality.
5. Talking about Sex is less about ‘plumbing’ and more about relationships and decision-making.
Most of us understand the basic anatomy and physiology of the digestive system. But does that keep us from downing too much sugar and ignoring the salad on the table? Sometimes. Apply this to sex. Just because you can identify the parts of the body does not mean that you are able to make healthy decisions about that body. Teaching kids – and especially adolescents – the basic process of sex and anatomy of reproductive organs is just not enough. Teaching kids how to make healthy decisions about their relationships and sexuality will make a difference. Help kids understand why and how to make healthy decisions. Help them learn to communicate, withstand peer pressure, advocate for themselves, and understand that actions have consequences, good and bad.
Photo from pexels.com
6. Having these conversations early will help keep communication open through adolescence.
The earlier you begin, the earlier your children will trust you with sensitive topics. By openly communicating with your children early, you build a relationship and your children learn that they can rely on you to help them. Building that trusting relationship before your kids start dating and going through puberty will help that communication be easier when sexuality becomes more important than ever in your child’s life. If your children trust you, they will be more likely to talk to you about the good and the bad. And we need our kids to talk.
7. Be on the same page as your spouse.
Don’t leave it to the other parent to have the difficult conversations. These conversations do not need to be gendered. Mothers can talk to their sons; fathers can talk to their daughters. And mothers and fathers need to talk about their game plan together. How do you feel about dating? Modesty? Sex? What guidelines and boundaries will you set for your children?
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By being on the same page and presenting a united front, your children will see you as a family they can turn to if things go wrong, and will trust you to help things go right. Parents who are on the same page and have a plan create an environment of consistency, safety and trust for their children.Start talking!
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Hall, C. P., Ph.D. (2016, August/September). Teaching about Sexual Education. Lecture presented at Sexuality Education in the Curriculum in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Hill, T., LMFT. (2013, September 27). Sexual Intimacy. Lecture presented at Strengthening Marriage and Families Class in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Talking With Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Sex Education[Pamphlet]. (2006). Chicago, IL: National PTA.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at 
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
