I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable.
The teacher, doing the best she knows how to help us avoid pre-marital sex, passes a rose around the room. She asks us all to touch the petals, to rub them between our fingers, as we hold the flower. Slowly, as the rose passes from hand to hand, the petals start to wilt and pull from the stem. The oil from our hands and the pressure from the rubbing leaves the petals looking tired and misshapen.
And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean.
Not all of us got the detrimental rose lesson (thank heavens). But most of us who grew up in a conservative religion likely heard similar messages at some point. Parents, teachers, and youth leaders did the best they knew how to help us wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, the fear-based approach to sexual education, combined with other factors, has left many individuals struggling with sexual guilt even after marriage (Peterson, 1964). In fact, research has found that religious individuals, especially religious women, experience higher levels of sexual guilt compared to their non-religious peers (Emmers-Sommer et al., 2018; Leonhardt et al., 2020).
For individuals who have internalized the message that sex is sinful and dirty, the transition into sexual activity with marriage is challenging. They struggle to enjoy sex with their spouse and experience feelings of shame and discomfort when they try, an experience described by Dr. Laura M. Brotherson as “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.”
Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot):
Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful.
Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience.
Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.
Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt?
If so, there is good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that this is something that you can change. Our beliefs and thoughts are malleable, thank heavens, and we can change the way that we view sex. The not-so-good news is that, if you don’t work to make those changes, your relationship will likely suffer. In fact, researchers have found that sexual guilt is directly associated with lower sexual satisfaction (Leonhardt et al., 2020). In other words, if you feel guilty about sex, you are going to have a more difficult time enjoying it with your spouse.
The first step in addressing sexual guilt is recognizing that the guilt is stemming from your beliefs about sex. If you’re struggling with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome,” that is an indication that at least part of you still believes that sex is wrong, dirty, or sinful. Once you recognize that, you can start to make adjustments in those beliefs. Here are a few things that I would recommend you do as you work to shift negative beliefs about sex:
Spend some time identifying what negative beliefs about sex you are holding on to. Journaling will be your best friend in this process. Write down any negative thoughts or ideas about sex that come to your mind. And then, decide if you want to keep holding on to any of the beliefs that you have written down.
Write down more positive, faith-based beliefs about sex that you can work to incorporate into your belief system. Things like, “Sex, sexual desires, and sexual pleasure are gifts from God,” “Sex is a way for me to express and experience love with my spouse,” and “God wants me to enjoy sex.” You can use these and add to them or just come up with some on your own. Make sure that your statements are based in faith and truth, rather than fear. Read these statements often as you work to exchange them for your previous, negative beliefs.
Seek out faith- and research-based resources to learn about healthy sexual relationships. As you learn more about sexual desire, functioning, and pleasure, you will gain confidence in your sexual relationship with your spouse. The book “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her co-authors is one of the best resources I have found for understanding and working through religious sexual guilt.
Changing your beliefs about sex will likely take some time, but it will be so worth it. There is so much potential for joy, connection, pleasure, and love in your sexual relationship with your spouse. As you work to make shifts in your beliefs about and feelings towards sex, you will open yourself up to more of that potential.
I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage.
And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book.
Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213.
Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437.
Peterson, J. A. (1964). Education for marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Scribner
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and The Christian Sex Educator. Originally from Middle of Nowhere, Idaho, she now lives in Vermont with her husband Dallin and their cat Maple. Carlie is a lover of baked goods, volleyball, long naps, and kind humans.
The classic, “Mom/Dad, where do babies come from?” is a question that catches many parents off guard. In fact, research indicates that even though most parents believe this is an important topic to discuss with their children, many have yet do so because they worry that their kids aren’t old enough (Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), that talking about sex may encourage their children to engage in sexual behaviors (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), and that their attempts to tackle this tricky topic won’t be successful (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019). However, as more and more sexually explicit information becomes readily available to children at even younger ages, the more critical it becomes for parents to address this topic with their kids early on. Especially since research supports the idea that parent-child discussions about sex are protective factors against risky sexual behavior (Afifi et al., 2008).
Luckily, there are things you as a parent can do to help you feel more prepared to answer this question when it comes around, and to help your child feel more prepared and comfortable with the answer. Below, I discuss a few evidence-based recommendations that can help guide you as you seek to navigate discussions surrounding health and sexuality with the young people in your life.
Deal with Your Own Discomfort
If you want to have successful conversations with your kids about sex, it is important for you to examine your own beliefs surrounding sexuality. Everyone develops their own belief system surrounding the topic of sex based on factors such as when and how the topic was addressed in their home growing up, religious beliefs, and personal sexual relationships and experiences (Hornor, 2004). These beliefs parents hold heavily impact their ability to effectively communicate with children about sex, particularly since kids pick up on the cues parents send when discussing the topic (Afifi et al., 2008). In a qualitative study, Afifi and colleagues (2008) found that adolescents who discussed sex with parents who were more casual and comfortable felt less discomfort and anxiety themselves during the discussion, which in turn resulted in less avoidance of the subject. It can be difficult to speak comfortably and casually, however, if you yourself have negative beliefs about sex.
Because of this, I encourage you to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider? Becoming self-aware of your own beliefs and then being intentional about which beliefs you would like to pass on to your kiddos can help set you up for success in keeping these important conversations positive and healthy.
Use Positive Communication Skills
Wilson and colleagues (2010) found that parents were more likely to feel confident discussing difficult topics with their child if they had a strong relationship, so make time to regularly talk and spend time with your kids. Don’t feel the need to create a fanfare or some type of event in order to justify talking with them about sex, or any other topic for that matter. Somers et al. (2019) suggest that speaking more often about sex in particular increases the likelihood of positive communication as well as more comfort with the conversation, so find natural moments to bring up and discuss bodies and sexuality. Great opportunities for this can be bath time, when you or your partner are menstruating, pregnancy, and watching nature shows.
Furthermore, when having these conversations, try not to lecture. Somers and colleagues (2019) found that conversations that were dominated by the parent and that did not leave room for questions or open discussion were not only less effective in helping children make healthy sexual decisions later on in life, but were actually correlated with higher amounts of adolescent sex.
Build Trust Through Honesty
Trust is another essential element in maintaining a strong relationship, and, as Afifi and colleagues (2008) explain, also a key factor in adolescents’ willingness to have conversations with their parents about sex. When parents answer their children’s questions honestly and clearly, kids see them as a trusted resource and are more willing to come to them for sexual information (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can practice honesty in your discussions with your children is by using the correct terminology for body parts. Using correct terminology helps children avoid misunderstandings about bodies and sex and can also help them develop confidence in their bodies and practice body safety (Kenny & Wurtele, 2008).
Self-efficacy, or the belief that you are capable of accomplishing a task, is another factor linked with more positive discussions between parents and children regarding sexuality (Afifi et al., 2008). A parent who feels more confident that they can successfully discuss sex with their child is more likely to have successful conversations (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can overcome any initial discomfort that you may feel in discussing this tricky topic is through practice! Consider watching yourself in the mirror and paying particular attention to your body language, since that is an immediate giveaway of comfort level. For those of you who are parents with younger children, beginning to have conversations about sex when children are little (even before they can understand what is being said) can also give you more opportunities to practice and get comfortable (Wilson et al., 2010).
Finally, remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers. If one of your kids comes to you with a question you aren’t sure how to respond to, it is absolutely appropriate to say something along the lines of, “That is a great question! I don’t have an answer for you right now, but can you give me some time to think about it and we can come back together to talk about it before bed tonight?” Then follow up with them once you have practiced your response. Another option would be to take a moment right then to model some research and critical thinking skills and look up the answer together with your child. Either approach lets your little one know that you value their question, and that they can come to you for truthful answers.
It is likely that even with these suggestions you will not be perfect in having conversations about sex with your kids (heaven knows, I’m not, and I study this for a living!). However, as you gain confidence through practice, build a foundation of trust, and focus on continuing to develop your relationship with your children, you can move forward trusting that what you have to offer will be enough to help your kids move forward towards healthy and happy sexual relationships of their own someday.
Take some time to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself these questions: Is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider?
References
Afifi, T. D., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it?: An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23(6), 689–721. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558408323841
Hornor, G. (2004). Sexual behavior in children: Normal or not? Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(2), 57–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0891-5245(03)00154-8
Kenny, M. C., & Wurtele S. K. (2008) Preschoolers’ knowledge of genital terminology: A comparison of English and Spanish speakers. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 3(4), 345-354. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546120802372008
Koren, A. (2019, January 31). Reproductive health for teens: Parents want in too. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 406-413. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1549635
Wilson, E. K., Dalberth, B. T., Koo, H. P., & Gard, J. C. (2010). Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 42(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1363/4205610
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She is married to her best friend Mark, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
In the year 2018, Americans purchased an astounding 17.3 million cars, making 2018 the fourth consecutive year that car sales exceeded 17 million (Lassa, 2018). In the years since 2014, over 68 million cars have been sold. With the population rounded down that still equals approximately 1 in 4 people trading in their old cars for new ones in the United States in only four years (U.S. and World Population Clock).
The purchases of a nation can give us a few hints as to the general attitudesand values of its members; the old adage “out with the old and in with the new” comes to mindwhen thinking of auto purchases. Those same attitudes are reflected in the state of the country’s marriages; the American Psychological Association reports that 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce (Marriage and Divorce). In America we are seeing an increase in both cars being replaced and marriages ending when they could still be potentially salvageable.
In our society many are indicating they value marriage and have a goal to be married at some point (2019; Popenoe et al., 1996), but when these marriages occur many do not last as long as the couple may have hoped. Marriage, the foundation of the microsystem in Bronfenbrenner’s ecological model, is the smallest unit and an integral part of society. Just like any car crumbles with a poor engine, society crumbles with failing marriages and families. Not only are marriages and families the foundation of society, but they are also an opportunity for a joyful life; we need to build our marriages to last for the good of our society and for our own happiness. So how can we build our marriages to last and find this sometimes-illusive joy in marriage?
It is suggested by marriage and family scholars that there are three core dimensions to wholeness in marriage: 1) the spiritual dimension, 2) the emotional dimension, and 3) the physical dimension, and there is research to prove it (Busby et al., 2013). These three basic components, just as the cooling system, engine, and gasoline work together in harmony to keep a car engine running smoothly can bring numerous blessings to a marriage.
The first dimension, the spiritual, has shown some interesting results. Whether it is an organized religion, a quiet faith, or simply a spiritual mindfulness, the spiritual part of each of us affects our marriages and can create a big impact (David & Stafford, 2013). For those identifying with a particular faith; religious communication between partners is directly linked to marital quality, especially if the spouses share the same beliefs (David & Stafford, 2013). From a simply spiritual standpoint, increased mindfulness is linked to higher satisfaction in romantic relationships (McGill et al., 2016). Somehow, there is something about connecting and communing with the divine, whether that be Deity or the divinity within each of us that brings peace and harmony to our marital relationships.
A specific example for these claims has also been found in the form of prayer. Couples that prayed versus couples who did not found that prayer assisted in their conflict resolution processes by lessening their feelings of contempt, enmity, and hostility towards one another (Butler et al., 2002). This same study also showed that prayer increased couples’ productive focus on the relationship and helped them to understand one another on a deeper level (Butler et al., 2002).
The emotional dimension is present from the beginning of any relationship. Every day we experience a host of emotions and that is how we connect with people. The desire to connect with others has been referred to as the need to belong (Busby et al., 2013). From the time we are born, we innately reach out to others for help in fulfilling our needs. Infants cry to be fed or have another need fulfilled by their mother or caregiver. As we grow older, we cry out in other ways for help in fulfilling our emotional needs. As spouses help us in filling these needs, we learn to trust, rely, and confide in them, strengthening our emotional attachment (Butler et al., 2002). Mother Teresa once explained, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” We can foster emotional attachment through taking care of our loved ones by helping fulfill their needs. This abiding trust and reliance is essential in marital relationships because it fosters love as well as the sense of belonging that we are all searching for.
Finally, the physical dimension. Physical intimacy is an exciting and fulfilling part of relationships and is particularly important for marital satisfaction. Research has shown that sexuality is so much more than sensations and an erotic experience, it is deeply connected to the spiritual and emotional dimensions and can be used to strengthen the relationship as a whole (Butler et al., 2002). While the way it is connected spiritually differs within each belief system, recent studies have shown that the most universally applicable connection is found in mindfulness. Mindfulness, or practicing mental focus on sensations and on one’s partner in a sexual experience, increases self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2019). Self-esteem is strongly related to sexual satisfaction in romantic relationships. Struggles with self-esteem can come from a variety of different sources; poor self-image, lack of confidence or security in the relationship, poor body-image, etc. The lower the self-esteem, the lower the predicted sexual pleasure and arousal (Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). If we can embrace how we feel about our physical appearance, how we feel about ourselves, and increase security in romantic relationships, our sexual experiences as couples will improve.
In addition to integrating the spiritual into the physical dimension with our spouses, we need to integrate emotional connection into our sexual experiences. Relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson put it this way, “The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings” (Johnson, 2008). When emotional security is present there is a heightened sense of eroticism and joy (Johnson, 2018). The more we respond to our spouses’ needs the more emotional security will be present in the relationship. The act of love-making itself can also strengthen marital relationships. Physiological research tells us that sex is a bonding activity, or in other words; when we are intimate with a spouse, we strengthen our bond with them (TED, 2015).
Most marriages begin with good intentions and start strong; they just need regular maintenance as cars do. Application of these principles can be simple; add an element of spirituality and discuss it; attend church, pray separately and together, meditate or connect spiritually in some way and talk about it together. Take the time to care for your spouse’s needs; being emotionally present and truly caring for one another through small acts of service, checking in with one another, or just spending real time together without distraction can greatly increase emotional connection. Let them know you are there and really be there. Be someone your spouse can rely on. Finally, be intentional about your sexual relationship and take the time to be present and connect emotionally with one another. Remove the distractions in your lives and be mindful of your own feelings and sensations as well as those of your spouse during the love-making process. Above all, explore these three elements of your relationship together and work together to strengthen the relationship as a whole.
Marriages need strengthening and simple steps can accomplish that goal. Just like a car, if you fill it with gas, check the coolant, and change the oil every few thousand miles, it will keep running and running without any need to go buy a new one. If we want a marriage to be “til death do us part”, it’s up to us to keep ours running through routine and careful maintenance.
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual: Clinical implications of religious couples report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30(1), 19–37. https://doi.org/ 10.1080/019261802753455624
David, P., & Stafford, L. (2013). A relational approach to religion and spirituality in marriage. Journal of Family Issues, 36(2), 232–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513×13485922
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
McGill, J., Alder-Baedaer, F., & Rodriguez, P. (2016). Mindfully in love: A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 4(1), 89–101.
Popenoe, D., Elshtain, J. B., & Blankenhorn, D. (1996). Values, attitudes, and the state of American marriage. Promises to keep: decline and renewal of marriage in America. (pp. 28) Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
Sanchez, D. T., & Kiefer, A. K. (2007). Body concerns in and out of the bedroom: Implications for sexual pleasure and problems. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(6), 808–820. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9205-0
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be.
Side 1: Physical
There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences.
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most?
Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007)
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?).
What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together!
For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018)
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually.
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future?
Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex).
If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.
References
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022- 3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature,19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and 
Rian Nicole Gordon
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at 
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.