4 Tips for Talking With Kids About Sex

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Written by Rian Gordon
The classic, “Mom/Dad, where do babies come from?” is a question that catches many parents off guard. In fact, research indicates that even though most parents believe this is an important topic to discuss with their children, many have yet do so because they worry that their kids aren’t old enough (Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), that talking about sex may encourage their children to engage in sexual behaviors (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), and that their attempts to tackle this tricky topic won’t be successful (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019). However, as more and more sexually explicit information becomes readily available to children at even younger ages, the more critical it becomes for parents to address this topic with their kids early on. Especially since research supports the idea that parent-child discussions about sex are protective factors against risky sexual behavior (Afifi et al., 2008). 
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Luckily, there are things you as a parent can do to help you feel more prepared to answer this question when it comes around, and to help your child feel more prepared and comfortable with the answer. Below, I discuss a few evidence-based recommendations that can help guide you as you seek to navigate discussions surrounding health and sexuality with the young people in your life. 

Deal with Your Own Discomfort

If you want to have successful conversations with your kids about sex, it is important for you to examine your own beliefs surrounding sexuality. Everyone develops their own belief system surrounding the topic of sex based on factors such as when and how the topic was addressed in their home growing up, religious beliefs, and personal sexual relationships and experiences (Hornor, 2004). These beliefs parents hold heavily impact their ability to effectively communicate with children about sex, particularly since kids pick up on the cues parents send when discussing the topic (Afifi et al., 2008). In a qualitative study, Afifi and colleagues (2008) found that adolescents who discussed sex with parents who were more casual and comfortable felt less discomfort and anxiety themselves during the discussion, which in turn resulted in less avoidance of the subject. It can be difficult to speak comfortably and casually, however, if you yourself have negative beliefs about sex. 
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Because of this, I encourage you to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider? Becoming self-aware of your own beliefs and then being intentional about which beliefs you would like to pass on to your kiddos can help set you up for success in keeping these important conversations positive and healthy. 

Use Positive Communication Skills

Wilson and colleagues (2010) found that parents were more likely to feel confident discussing difficult topics with their child if they had a strong relationship, so make time to regularly talk and spend time with your kids. Don’t feel the need to create a fanfare or some type of event in order to justify talking with them about sex, or any other topic for that matter. Somers et al. (2019) suggest that speaking more often about sex in particular increases the likelihood of positive communication as well as more comfort with the conversation, so find natural moments to bring up and discuss bodies and sexuality. Great opportunities for this can be bath time, when you or your partner are menstruating, pregnancy, and watching nature shows.
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Furthermore, when having these conversations, try not to lecture. Somers and colleagues (2019) found that conversations that were dominated by the parent and that did not leave room for questions or open discussion were not only less effective in helping children make healthy sexual decisions later on in life, but were actually correlated with higher amounts of adolescent sex.   

Build Trust Through Honesty

Trust is another essential element in maintaining a strong relationship, and, as Afifi and colleagues (2008) explain, also a key factor in adolescents’ willingness to have conversations with their parents about sex. When parents answer their children’s questions honestly and clearly, kids see them as a trusted resource and are more willing to come to them for sexual information (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can practice honesty in your discussions with your children is by using the correct terminology for body parts. Using correct terminology helps children avoid misunderstandings about bodies and sex and can also help them develop confidence in their bodies and practice body safety (Kenny & Wurtele, 2008). 

Build Confidence

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Self-efficacy, or the belief that you are capable of accomplishing a task, is another factor linked with more positive discussions between parents and children regarding sexuality (Afifi et al., 2008). A parent who feels more confident that they can successfully discuss sex with their child is more likely to have successful conversations (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can overcome any initial discomfort that you may feel in discussing this tricky topic is through practice! Consider watching yourself in the mirror and paying particular attention to your body language, since that is an immediate giveaway of comfort level. For those of you who are parents with younger children, beginning to have conversations about sex when children are little (even before they can understand what is being said) can also give you more opportunities to practice and get comfortable (Wilson et al., 2010). 
Finally, remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers. If one of your kids comes to you with a question you aren’t sure how to respond to, it is absolutely appropriate to say something along the lines of, “That is a great question! I don’t have an answer for you right now, but can you give me some time to think about it and we can come back together to talk about it before bed tonight?” Then follow up with them once you have practiced your response. Another option would be to take a moment right then to model some research and critical thinking skills and look up the answer together with your child. Either approach lets your little one know that you value their question, and that they can come to you for truthful answers. 
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It is likely that even with these suggestions you will not be perfect in having conversations about sex with your kids (heaven knows, I’m not, and I study this for a living!). However, as you gain confidence through practice, build a foundation of trust, and focus on continuing to develop your relationship with your children, you can move forward trusting that what you have to offer will be enough to help your kids move forward towards healthy and happy sexual relationships of their own someday. 
Take some time to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself these questions: Is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider?

References

Afifi, T. D., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it?: An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23(6), 689–721. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558408323841
Hornor, G. (2004). Sexual behavior in children: Normal or not? Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(2), 57–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0891-5245(03)00154-8
Kenny, M. C., & Wurtele S. K. (2008) Preschoolers’ knowledge of genital terminology: A comparison of English and Spanish speakers. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 3(4), 345-354. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546120802372008
Koren, A. (2019, January 31). Reproductive health for teens: Parents want in too. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 406-413. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1549635 
Somers, C., Avendt, E. and Sepsey, A. (2019). Parent-adolescent sexual dialogue: Does content and approach matter in adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors? Health Education, 119(3), 215-229. https://doi-org.ezproxy1.lib.asu.edu/10.1108/HE-08-2018-0038
Wilson, E. K., Dalberth, B. T., Koo, H. P., & Gard, J. C. (2010). Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 42(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1363/4205610

 


Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She is married to her best friend Mark, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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We Can Prevent Sexual Assault

*Cover photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Written by Brittney Herman of We Will
Sexual assault is all too common. Every 73 seconds an American is assaulted (RAINN, 2020). Unfortunately, survivors of sexual assault experience numerous negative effects caused by the trauma of their assault. Mentally, survivors commonly experience post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and even suicidal thoughts. Emotionally, a survivor may blame themselves, engage in self-hatred, or dissociation. Physically, a survivor could have contracted STDs, become pregnant, engage in self-harm and substance abuse, and develop eating or sleep disorders (RAINN, 2020). While it is possible to heal and survivors often heal, it is not without substantial suffering. When one member of the community suffers, we all suffer. In order to create healthy communities, we need mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy individuals. Allowing sexual assault to remain a rampant issue prevents the continuing health of individuals, and therefore healthy communities. 

The Importance of Education

However common, the efforts to eradicate sexual assault are not without hope. We can prevent sexual assault (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2020). Studies show that where there is sufficient sexual education, there are far fewer sexual assaults (Herman, 2020). Changing sexual education standards ensures every student receives proper education proven to reduce the rates of assault. While formal sexual education is an important contributing factor in state sexual assault rates, informal education is critical and can also make a substantial difference (We Will, 2019). Informal education takes place through families, social media, and everyday conversations. 
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The focus of sufficient sexual assault prevention education is not on potential victims. Rather than teaching self-defense, safety practices, or other techniques, proper sexual assault prevention education focuses on teaching would-be perpetrators what is wrong. While safety practices for would-be victims are important, addressing the would-be perpetrators attacks the problem of sexual assault at its root (Herman, 2020). Victims and survivors of sexual assault are not the problem with assault, the problem lies only with the perpetrator.
Most sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance or someone else with a relationship to the victim (Saint Mary’s College of California, n.d.). This is a large reason why teaching safety practices are ineffective measures to completely eradicate sexual assault. This is why we must address what is going wrong in situations with perpetrators known to the victim. Oftentimes in these situations, it is a lack of consent or the use of coercion which leads to a sexual assault (Saint Mary’s College of California, n.d.).

Crucial Terms

Proper sexual assault prevention education includes teaching consent, coercion, and refusal skills (Herman, 2020). Consent is the enthusiastic permission of both parties to engage in an activity (Project Respect, 2020). Coercion is forcing someone to engage in an activity through threat, force, or intimidation (Coercion, 2020). Refusal skills teach individuals how to say no, and teach others to recognize a no when it is given (Warzak, & Page, 1990). 
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Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash
When we teach consent, we teach that consent cannot be obtained from someone who is asleep, unconscious, or otherwise incapacitated. This helps to prevent an extremely common form of sexual assault (Fifth of sex attack victims ‘asleep or unconscious’, 2015). Just because consent existed in the past does not mean that consent exists in the present situation. This will help to prevent confusion between couples that can lead to sexual assault. We can teach that consent can be withdrawn at any time, which makes it clear to the individual who wants to move forward that they cannot move forward. People will learn that consent is a normal and necessary part of sex and that consent must be obtained in order to engage in an activity (Consent – Let’s Talk About It, 2020). Learning the term coercion teaches would-be perpetrators that threat, force, and intimidation can never produce legitimate consent (University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, 2020). Further, while refusal skills teach would-be victims how to say no and have a plan for if they are put in an uncomfortable situation, * teaching refusal skill also focuses on making sure would-be perpetrators recognize a no (Herman, 2020).
As we teach consent, coercion, and refusal skills not only will individuals realize what actions are wrong and be deterred from taking such actions, but survivors of assault will also more easily recognize when they are assaulted and seek help more effectively and quickly (Herman, 2020). Today, many survivors take a long time to recognize that what happened to them was assault (Ro, 2018). This can lead to engrained feelings of trauma or self-blame (Ro, 2018). Making it clear to survivors what qualifies as sexual assault means that an assault can be more easily recognized, reported, and the harmful effects mitigated. Additionally, parents, teachers, and other authorities will have the same vocabulary as the survivor, so when she or he describes their assault, these authorities can understand them. Standardizing vocabulary puts everyone on an even playing field and clarifies discrepancies that can occur when meanings of these words or concepts are confusing or based on opinion (Herman, 2020). 
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Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

We Can

Through teaching these concepts in our schools, encouraging caretakers to teach these concepts to future generations, talking about sexual assault prevention on social media, and discussing these concepts in everyday conversation, we can and we will prevent sexual assault and help survivors feel supported and loved coming forward (Herman, 2020). Through preventing horrific trauma of sexual assault either through prevention of the assault itself or through proper mitigation, we will create healthier individuals and communities. 
*It is important to note that even if a survivor was taught refusal skills or had a plan and was unable or felt uncomfortable using these skills or plan for any number of reasons, it is still not the survivor’s fault.
Personal Practice 1Why does consent matter for YOU? Write down your answer, and then share with someone you love.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2020, January 17). Prevention Strategies|Sexual Violence|Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/prevention.html
Coercion. (2020). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Coercion
Consent – Let’s Talk about It. (2020). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/other-services/sexual-assault/consent/
Fifth of sex attack victims ‘asleep or unconscious’. (2015, February 12). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-31434555
Herman, B. (2020). Sexual Education as a Form of Sexual Assault Prevention: A Survey of Sexual Education Among States with the Highest and Lowest Rates of Rape. [Forthcoming Publication], on file with author.
Project Respect. (2020). Consent. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.yesmeansyes.com/consent/
RAINN. (2020). Effects of Sexual Violence. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.rainn.org/effects-sexual-violence
RAINN. (2020). Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence
Ro, C. (2018, November 06). Why most rape victims never acknowledge what happened. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181102-why-dont-rape-and-sexual-assault-victims-come-forward
Saint Mary’s College of California. (n.d.). Acquaintance Rape and Sexual Assault. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.stmarys-ca.edu/sites/default/files/attachments/files/acquaintance-rape-and-sexual-assault.pdf
University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. (2020). Definitions. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.umassd.edu/sexualviolence/definitions/
Warzak, W. J., & Page, T. J. (1990). Teaching refusal skills to sexually active adolescents. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 21(2), 133-139. https://doi.org/10.1016/0005-7916(90)90018-g
We Will. (2019). Formal and Informal Education. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.wewillorg.com/formal-and-informal-education

 


Brittney Brittney Herman graduated in April, 2020, with a law degree from Brigham Young University. She primarily studied tax law, but also had the opportunity to study sexual education laws during her years there. Brittney started the non-profit We Will, which is focused on the prevention and mitigation of sexual assault. She herself is a survivor of sexual assault, and uses those trials to fuel her fight for the rights of those who have been through similar experiences. Read more about her and her organization here.
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