Suicide has been at the forefront of my mind lately, especially with the recent tragic deaths of fashion designer Kate Spade on June 5, and chef Anthony Bourdain on June 8. Nearly every article recently published about this topic shares grim statistics and a list of resources for those struggling to receive help. However, numbers are impersonal, and celebrities sometimes seem abstract—and, it has come to my attention that there is a far greater population that we don’t often talk about: the people who struggle with suicidal ideation and tendencies, and who are here—living, breathing, working, laughing, and struggling with troubling thoughts that most of their friends and family may not be aware of.
For good measure, let’s first look at the numbers.
9.8 million people seriously thought about suicide
2.8 million people made a plan for suicide
1.3 million people attempted suicide
Nearly 45,000 people died from suicide
The number of people who seriously think about suicide is 3.5 times more than those who make a plan for suicide, and over 7.5 times more than those who attempt suicide. In this article, we’ll meet three individuals who struggle with suicidal ideation, who have offered to share their experiences.
*I should note that I know two of these individuals personally (and have had the privilege of getting to know the third through this project), and I had no idea that they have struggled with this. As you read their experiences, keep in mind that their experiences may easily mirror those of your closest friends and family members. You may just not know it yet.
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To protect these individuals’ privacy, I’ll be referring to them as Annie, Megan, and Sarah. All are in their mid-to-late 20’s.
Part 1: Introductions
Annie began having suicidal thoughts when she was around 8 or 9 years old, triggered by family members’ survivalist tendencies and religious beliefs about apocalyptic prophecies, “signs of the times,” and the terrible things that would happen to the wicked people before the second coming of Christ. While the option of suicide was a last resort when she was younger, over time (and through various traumatic events in her life), the option came more quickly and often to the front of her mind. The suicidal thoughts were also heightened through the hormone imbalance PMDD—Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder—a severe form of PMS that includes suicidal ideation as a possible symptom. She has attempted suicide twice.
Megan’s suicidal thoughts began soon after she was married—first through depression, which turned into self-destructive behavior, which quickly escalated into suicidal tendency. Because her suicidal thoughts began shortly after her marriage, both her and her husband struggled thinking the two situations were connected. Over time and with help, they were able to discover that the life change of getting married was a trigger rather than the root of the issue. More on that later in the article!
Sarah has experienced many traumas through her life so far, including feeling like an outcast in her adopted family, being told regularly what a failure and embarrassment she is to her family, and losing her childhood best friend in her senior year of high school. “Losing her hurt the most,” she states. “I have never been the same.” Sarah sought help in November 2015 after not sleeping for a week and was diagnosed bipolar. Shortly after her diagnosis she tried to commit suicide and (gratefully) failed. “I was overwhelmed and just tired of living,” she states. “I had nothing to live for.” She spent 23 days in a psych hospital, after which she attended a 2-month outpatient program. In February 2017 she gave birth to her first child. In December 2017 she overdosed and spent 11 days in the psych hospital.
Part 2: Creating a Team
Annie’s catalyst to seeking help came after she confided in her then-boyfriend. He felt helpless and unsure of how to help, and chose to end the relationship. Annie then decided to find help for her specific issues. She was able to find a therapist who was not only a suicidologist who had experience working with people with suicidal ideation, but also had a knowledge of PMDD. Annie shares, “[My therapist has] been an incredible help to me in not only feeling accepted despite my struggle with suicidal ideation but in working to retrain my mind to take pauses at moments when the thoughts typically arise, using coping statements to move past them, using grounding techniques, meditation, and even yoga.”
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For Megan, help came when she was finally able to admit that she needed help, to recognize and talk about the problem, and then to see a specialist about it. “It took many doctor visits and a lot of time to learn that it was only a trigger — that it wasn’t because of the marriage, but because the huge life change essentially flipped a switch in my brain that started the depression and suicidal tendencies.” She continues, “Sometimes high stress situations will worsen it, but it’s been no different than any other illness that comes and goes randomly. I mean, if you get a cold and put stress on your body it’ll make it worse, but it’s not the root cause. It just happens, and it’s hard to disassociate it without blaming it on things in life or on people.” For Megan, the suicidal tendencies stem from a chemical imbalance, and recognizing that makes it easier for her—and her husband—to handle, and has even brought them closer. Being open about her struggles with those closest to her, and helping people understand that this is an illness, has been one of the best things for her.
Sarah also found outside help. She states, “What’s helped most is speaking to a counselor and just trying to make time for myself. I received a rock in outpatient therapy. It says ‘enough.’ The rock goes everywhere I go. It means more to me than anybody will ever understand. I struggle with self worth and feeling like I’m never enough. That rock constantly reminds me I am.”
While each of these women had their own unique journeys, their common path seems to be finding a therapist or other qualified professional to help them navigate their healing. Each of these professionals have different specialties, backgrounds, and personalities—and these women have found the professional who can best help them in their unique journey.
Part 3: What they’d like friends and family to know
Annie says: “Most people have no idea how to respond when someone confides in them about suicidal ideation. Which I totally get, it can be scary. But even if you don’t outright reject someone when they confide in you, sometimes certain responses can still feel like rejection. More often than not, suicidal thoughts will communicate to the person that they are unloved, are a burden, wouldn’t be missed, have nothing to contribute to the world, etc. and a lot of these thoughts can come from loneliness (at least they often do in my case). So helping that person feel accepted, loved, wanted, and included can make so MUCH of a difference. Being willing and patient enough to reassure someone of this repeatedly (for as long as they need it) can be helpful too.”
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She also notes that there’s a difference between someone who is suicidal and someone struggling with suicidal ideation. While Annie has struggled with suicidal ideation for most of her life, she has only been suicidal 2-3 times. “That’s not to say that suicidal ideation isn’t dangerous,” she notes. “It absolutely can be since it can always escalate. But it is good to know that [suicidal ideation and being suicidal] can be very different so that your immediate response maybe isn’t one of panic or fear but a desire to understand what the other person is actually experiencing so that you can actually help them more effectively.”
I followed up with Annie, asking how someone can recognize whether someone is suicidal as opposed to experiencing suicidal ideation. She said that the line is often different for different people, and can be imperceptible, even to those closest to them. In Annie’s opinion, the best thing someone can do is make sure their friends have access to resources, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), or the Crisis Text Line (Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States). You can also sit down with your friend and help them navigate their healthcare options to find a therapist they’d be comfortable with.
Megan emphasizes the importance of recognizing that suicidal tendencies are often the result of chemical imbalances—and that this is a sickness, not a choice. “This is a hard thing to explain to someone who doesn’t struggle with suicidal tendencies, or know of someone who does, because it’s really weird to think of your own mind just doing this to yourself. People will equate it with things they are more familiar with, like the kid they knew in high school who decided life was too hard, or their own occasional depressed feelings after a tough breakup, or what they’ve seen on television and so on. Those are all real life experiences but they differ from suicidal tendency in that it’s solely an illness of the brain, a chemical imbalance, like the way cancerous cells take over the body.” Offering love and support is the best thing you can offer. Megan says, “Never underestimate the power of ‘I am here for you,’ ‘You can do this,’ a holding of the hand, even a smile.”
Sarah echoed these sentiments, adding: “I wish people would be compassionate and give us grace.”
Part 4: For those struggling with suicidal tendencies
Annie was very honest about her current place in this journey: “It absolutely sucks but you’re definitely not alone in this—more people experience this than you realize.” She continues, “Having these thoughts doesn’t mean you’re broken. You always have the power to change them and not to act on them. It might take time and a lot of effort, especially when you’re really struggling, but it’s doable. I’d like to say ‘It gets better,’ but I’m not personally there yet, so I can’t say that I personally know that for sure. I do know that the human mind can accomplish so many surprising things, that it doesn’t feel unreasonable to think that it’s possible to overcome suicidal ideation. I used to feel very certain that suicide would eventually be the end of me. Now, I’m at least somewhat hopeful that, maybe that won’t be the case.”
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On a similar note, Megan says, “For anyone else that might be going through anything similar, I know this is not a helpful thing to hear now but it does get better, always. And do not be afraid to admit it, to be open about it, or to seek help. I remember hearing that while I was on the fence about it, and how much I felt it wasn’t for me. But everything changed for the better almost immediately after I stepped out of that bubble. And, while I still struggle with it sometimes, in hindsight I’m all the better for opening myself to it.”
Sarah offers us a closing declaration: “Don’t give up,” she says. “The journey is hard, but you have a purpose here. You are enough, even on the dark days you don’t see it. If you’re struggling, don’t be scared to reach out for help. Confide in someone you trust and love.”
Part 5: Resources
Thank you so much to these incredible women for sharing their experiences with suicidal ideation. I’m grateful that this conversation is open, and hope that your sharing will help others feel less alone.
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Over the last few weeks, as this topic has become more prevalent in the news and social media, one of the most impactful things I have read is a simple statement: Check on your strong friend.
You can’t always see suicidal thoughts or plans. You can’t always see depression, anxiety, or any other internal struggles. The strongest and happiest people you know may very well be fighting the most difficult battles within them. Show love to everyone. Offer friendship, compassion, and grace to those you know are struggling. Be willing to sit with those who are hurting. And know the resources, just in case.
Conrad, K. J., Bezruczko, N., Chan, Y.-F., Riley, B., Diamond, G., & Dennis, M. L. (2010). Screening for atypical suicide risk with person fit statistics among people presenting to alcohol and other drug treatment. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 106(2–3), 92–100. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2009.07.023
Norlev, J., Davidsen, M., Sundaram, V., & Kjøller, M. (2005). Indicators Associated with Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Attempts Among 16-35-Year-Old Danes: A National Representative Population Study. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 35(3), 291–308. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1521/suli.2005.35.3.291
Vasiliadis, H.-M., Lamoureux-Lamarche, C., Pitrou, I., & Berbiche, D. (2020). Sex differences in type of lifetime trauma and suicidal ideation mediated by post-traumatic stress and anxio-depressive disorders in older adults. International Psychogeriatrics, 32(4), 473–483. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/S1041610219001893
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
As a teenager, I recall trying to get my dad’s attention after he got home from work, telling him about my accomplishments and good grades in school that day. When I was in my early 20’s, a close friend ended our friendship because I had anxiety, he said, and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. In a relationship with someone struggling with a sexual addiction, I found myself confused at being told at different times that I was either too sexy or not sexy enough, too compelling, or not worth the time.
I have to earn my worth, I heard. My shortcomings and flaws will cause people I love to leave me. I am not enough, in seemingly every single way.
For 28+ years, I put my entire sense of worth in the hands of others. I didn’t know how to process these (and many other) interactions in any other way. Many of my reactions to these experiences were fear-based (again, I have to earn my worth; my shortcomings and flaws will cause people to leave; I am not enough) and my sense of insecurity was high. This is not the way to live—for me, or for the people I love, who I often leaned on to build my self-worth back up (what a heavy burden to carry).
I prefer to write about situations that I am already on the other side of—that I have worked through, learned from, and can confidently share about. I can’t say that in this case. I’m still working through these limiting beliefs and practicing more mindfulness in potentially life-shattering interpersonal communications. I’m still trying to build up my sense of self-worth, and have that self-worth based solely on my internal knowledge of my innate worth, not on another’s unstable, unreliable, and incomplete perception of me.
Quick side note: Self-worth refers to our internal sense of worth, while self-esteem is more based on external achievement. The examples I shared at the beginning of this article were me chasing self-esteem (external), while a firmer sense of stability would come from building up self-worth (internal).
Here are some things I’ve learned over the past few months of studying both self-worth and self-esteem:
1. Ignore the numbers—on your scale, and on your clothing tags.
For me (and research supports that this is true for many people), body image is directly correlated with my self-esteem—if I don’t feel comfortable externally, it’s going to be a bit harder for me to feel great about myself internally. To help ease this discomfort, I recommend ignoring the numbers. I’m putting this step first because it’s a very tangible thing you can do to directly impact how you feel. If you feel uncomfortable in your clothes, find yourself waiting to just lose 5-15-etc. more pounds, or what have you before you let yourself feel good, go invest $30 in a pair of jeans that actually fits. Ignore the number on the tag. Do the jeans feel good on your body? Can you breathe freely? Can you lunge or do a fun dance in the dressing room? Good.
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In her book “Letting Go of Leo,” this was one of the first steps that holistic health & lifestyle coach Simi Botic took to work toward self-confidence and peace. The day after reading this in her book, I went out and did the same thing. I feel really, really good about that decision.
Instead of basing personal worth on a number, perhaps focus on how to best fuel your body for the activities and work you do through the day. Perhaps eat what feels and tastes good. Perhaps move around and exercise for fun, or gain strength and endurance to complete the activities that you genuinely want to pursue. Shift the focus away from frustration, anger, or disappointment toward your body, and instead love it exactly as it wonderfully is, and for what it can do.
2. Seek to connect with your Higher Power in more meaningful ways.
I say “more meaningful ways” because I think it’s easy to lightly study religious texts, pray every once in a while, and call that good. But if a friend texts you, you skim over a portion of it, and don’t text back until a few days later, is that really going to nurture that relationship? Skimming won’t build that relationship with your Higher Power, and according to many major world religions, that relationship is pretty darn beneficial.
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Research has shown the effectiveness of addiction recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. A large part of this effectiveness is due to the program’s focus on connecting to a Higher Power — showing that internal healing and peace, in whatever way is needed, can definitely come from this relationship. The first three of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Steps directly relate to this:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Consider replacing “alcohol” with whatever is currently weighing on your soul.
In a lecture by Kevin J. Worthen, President of Brigham Young University, he shares how connecting with a Higher Power (in his case, Jesus Christ) can help ease fear—and I would say, the personal insecurity that often comes with anxiety and fear:
“The more we know Christ, the more we will trust and love Him and the more faith we will have in Him. …Simple acts of daily scripture study and prayer—especially with the intent to know the Savior better—will do more than almost anything else to strengthen your faith in Him, which, in turn, will decrease the amount of irrational fear in your life, no matter the particular cause of that fear.”
Faith and fear cannot exist in the same moment, and fear is often at the core of low self-worth. More on this fear in a moment.
3. Stop thinking about yourself, and focus instead on serving those around you.
One of the most impactful statements I’ve read this year comes from Gabby Bernstein, author of Judgment Detox:
“The root cause of all judgment is the fear of not being good enough, not being worthy of love, and not being safe. When we become brave enough to look at the judgment and fear, we can begin to heal.”
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Woah. Similarly, Mother Teresa is quoted as saying: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Christ taught, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” And from Ghandi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
We find personal healing and peace by serving others. Everyone from prophets to spiritual gurus will agree. And why is this?
It’s because we’re looking outward (which isn’t necessarily sustainable for validation, but IS beneficial when our focus is on how to care for those around us). It gets us out of our own heads. It puts more goodness into the world. It creates internal purpose and drive—while removing the focus on self (“lose yourself in the service of others”).
Conclusion
There are so many other things that can help us remember our self-worth and build self-esteem, like practicing self-compassion, doing things we love, meditating, reciting positive affirmations, and more. The list is endless. (Maybe there will be a Part 2 to this article). An incredible friend of mine even challenged herself to do one thing each day that scared her to help her build her self-confidence—and from reaching out to strangers she admired (Instagram!), to traveling to Africa on a humanitarian trip, she did it! She has become one of the most grounded and peaceful women I know.
For today: Buy some new jeans! Connect to your Higher Power through study, prayer, or whatever works best for you! Go do something nice for someone!
Above all, know that your worth is innate and doesn’t need to be earned. Everyone has shortcomings, and they are excellent opportunities to become more than we were before. And you are enough, in every single way.
Bernstein, G. (2018). Judgment Detox: Release the beliefs that hold you back from living a better life. S.l.: Gallery Books.
Botic, S. (2017). Letting go of Leo: How I broke up with perfection. Bloomington, IN: Balboa Press, a division of Hay House.
Kaskutas, L. A. (2009). Alcoholics Anonymous Effectiveness: Faith Meets Science. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28(2), 145-157. http://doi.org/10.1080/10550880902772464
Worthen, K. J. (2017, September 12). Fear Not. Address presented at BYU Devotional in Provo, UT.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
