“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take the time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
–Eleanor Brown
Many of us are serving from empty vessels on a daily basis.
A Gallup news poll from December 2017 indicated that on average, 44% of Americans feel stressed. That number increases to 49% if you are female. If you have a job and a child, that number goes up to 59%. And people ages 18 to 49 experience the most stress at 54 and 56%. For most of us, life moves quickly and there are many demands on our time, energy, and mental load. Many of us feel overloaded. The effects of this are bigger than just feeling unhappy.
Stress can cause a myriad of issues, resulting in depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, irritability, and general unhappiness. Our bodies often will manifest our stress as well. Our emotions play a role in many types of chronic conditions — in how they progress or how we experience the illness. Reviews of the research have indicated since the 1970’s that 60-80% doctors’ visits are stress related. Many of our common chronic physical complaints (i.e. chest, heart and abdominal pains, headaches, gastrointestinal issues) have been showed to be affected, caused or made worse by stress. This is not new information, yet we still aren’t taking it seriously.
Running on Empty
The analogy of a car can help us visualize why self-care is important and what kinds of self-care we need.
Our cars take a certain amount of attention to keep functioning. If we ignore the “E” light on our gas gauge or neglect regular maintenance, there are consequences. Not taking care of our vehicle means that it may stop running properly and it is no longer able to help us.
Our bodies and our minds also need attention. Eventually, neglect catches up. We may experience physical or emotional breakdown. To prevent that, we all need to have activities that maintain and repair.
A literature review of research studying the effects of self-care on those in caregiving professions (such as hospice workers and social workers), found that self-care was helpful in reducing burnout and symptoms of secondary trauma, and that it improved happiness. The review also showed that engaging in several types of self-care is more effective and protective than just doing one type of self-care. It would seem logical that what helps professional caregivers would be worth keeping in mind for all of us.
So What Is Self Care?
Self Care isn’t just bubble baths and chocolate. It isn’t just exercise and eating healthy. It isn’t just vacations or walks in the woods. It can be those things. And a hundred others….
Self Care isn’t one specific thing……..
It’s many habits, big and small, which together soothe and make sure we are functioning at our best — emotionally, mentally and physically.
Why is developing a habit of self-care important?
Your health and happiness depends on it.
You can’t give what you don’t have.
Martyrdom is overrated. We don’t have to suffer and sacrifice our happiness and wellbeing for the sake of others. What good are we then?
You are worth it.
Self-care needs to reflect and be flexible to our specific circumstances. Both our all-caps CIRCUMSTANCES — which are things not easily changed like your life stage or physical limitations, and our lowercase circumstances — which are things that change more frequently like if your kids are sick, if you have a really busy week. What you can do for self-care today may not be the same as what you could do last year, or even what you will be able to do next week.
Recognize You Need and Deserve It
“Taking care of your self doesn’t mean me first. It means me too.”
-L.R. Knost
Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean neglecting other people. Self-care allows you to have the emotional and physical resources to do all the things you want to do in your life.
If this is a hard idea, perhaps start thinking about the reasons to engage in self-care, about what it will do for you.
Still too hard?
Maybe all you can do is think about what you HOPE it will do. That’s a good enough place to start.
Then think about what is getting in your way. Do you need permission? Consider this your permission!
What else is in the way? Time? Money? Feeling unworthy of it?
Problem solve with someone who loves you and supports your efforts to care for yourself. It is possible to find things that refuel and renew with any budget and any time frame.
Make Time
“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
– Jean Shinoda Bolen
Identify what refuels, rejuvenates and refreshes you. A self-care assessment can clarify what you are already doing and where gaps are in your self-care practices. Click this link for a self-care-assessment that identifies different kinds of self-care.
If you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, you might have forgotten what you like!
Now build your self-care plan. Click here for a worksheet that will help you in creating your own personal self-care plan. Once you’ve identified a variety of activities that might work for you, it’s easier to schedule them into your day and your life.
Self-care can be big or small. Try to do something every day that is enjoyable for you. It may be a small thing, like savoring your favorite cold drink. It may be bigger like hanging out with a friend. You might already do something enjoyable every day, but not be aware of it. Bring your awareness to it, tell yourself “This is for me.” This acknowledgment increases your enjoyment, and increases its power to refresh you.
Self-care is by nature kind and self-compassionate. Be gentle to yourself as you try to learn this new habit. Anything you do is better than nothing. Start where you are. Make one small change, then another. And as you make those small changes, like adding coins to a pile, the effects of them grow. Soon you will find that your ability to handle stress increases, your tension is reduced and your love and appreciation for yourself grows. And that’s a nice way to live a life.
Reva Cook grew up around the world as an Air Force brat, gaining an appreciation and love for people of all walks of life. She received her BS degree from Brigham Young University and her MSW from the University of Utah. She has many years of experience working with those who are finding life hard to navigate. She has worked for Intermountain Healthcare as an ER crisis worker, and as Utah Valley Live Well Center’s LCSW. She is a therapist with The Healing Group, specializing in maternal mental health, motherhood, anxiety, and life transitions. She preaches the message of learning to love your real, imperfect, complicated life as a reoccurring guest on KSL’s Studio 5, in FB Live interviews with the baby cubby and Intermountain Moms, and on FB as Reva Cook and Instagram as @revacooklcsw. In her spare time, she juggles life with her husband Clint and their 4 kids and 3 cats.She enjoys funny memes, Diet Coke, and planning home DIY projects that occasionally actually happen.
As a teenager, I recall trying to get my dad’s attention after he got home from work, telling him about my accomplishments and good grades in school that day. When I was in my early 20’s, a close friend ended our friendship because I had anxiety, he said, and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. In a relationship with someone struggling with a sexual addiction, I found myself confused at being told at different times that I was either too sexy or not sexy enough, too compelling, or not worth the time.
I have to earn my worth, I heard. My shortcomings and flaws will cause people I love to leave me. I am not enough, in seemingly every single way.
For 28+ years, I put my entire sense of worth in the hands of others. I didn’t know how to process these (and many other) interactions in any other way. Many of my reactions to these experiences were fear-based (again, I have to earn my worth; my shortcomings and flaws will cause people to leave; I am not enough) and my sense of insecurity was high. This is not the way to live—for me, or for the people I love, who I often leaned on to build my self-worth back up (what a heavy burden to carry).
I prefer to write about situations that I am already on the other side of—that I have worked through, learned from, and can confidently share about. I can’t say that in this case. I’m still working through these limiting beliefs and practicing more mindfulness in potentially life-shattering interpersonal communications. I’m still trying to build up my sense of self-worth, and have that self-worth based solely on my internal knowledge of my innate worth, not on another’s unstable, unreliable, and incomplete perception of me.
Quick side note: Self-worth refers to our internal sense of worth, while self-esteem is more based on external achievement. The examples I shared at the beginning of this article were me chasing self-esteem (external), while a firmer sense of stability would come from building up self-worth (internal).
Here are some things I’ve learned over the past few months of studying both self-worth and self-esteem:
1. Ignore the numbers—on your scale, and on your clothing tags.
For me (and research supports that this is true for many people), body image is directly correlated with my self-esteem—if I don’t feel comfortable externally, it’s going to be a bit harder for me to feel great about myself internally. To help ease this discomfort, I recommend ignoring the numbers. I’m putting this step first because it’s a very tangible thing you can do to directly impact how you feel. If you feel uncomfortable in your clothes, find yourself waiting to just lose 5-15-etc. more pounds, or what have you before you let yourself feel good, go invest $30 in a pair of jeans that actually fits. Ignore the number on the tag. Do the jeans feel good on your body? Can you breathe freely? Can you lunge or do a fun dance in the dressing room? Good.
Photo by Michelle Bonkosky on Unsplash
In her book “Letting Go of Leo,” this was one of the first steps that holistic health & lifestyle coach Simi Botic took to work toward self-confidence and peace. The day after reading this in her book, I went out and did the same thing. I feel really, really good about that decision.
Instead of basing personal worth on a number, perhaps focus on how to best fuel your body for the activities and work you do through the day. Perhaps eat what feels and tastes good. Perhaps move around and exercise for fun, or gain strength and endurance to complete the activities that you genuinely want to pursue. Shift the focus away from frustration, anger, or disappointment toward your body, and instead love it exactly as it wonderfully is, and for what it can do.
2. Seek to connect with your Higher Power in more meaningful ways.
I say “more meaningful ways” because I think it’s easy to lightly study religious texts, pray every once in a while, and call that good. But if a friend texts you, you skim over a portion of it, and don’t text back until a few days later, is that really going to nurture that relationship? Skimming won’t build that relationship with your Higher Power, and according to many major world religions, that relationship is pretty darn beneficial.
Photo from pexels.com
Research has shown the effectiveness of addiction recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. A large part of this effectiveness is due to the program’s focus on connecting to a Higher Power — showing that internal healing and peace, in whatever way is needed, can definitely come from this relationship. The first three of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Steps directly relate to this:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Consider replacing “alcohol” with whatever is currently weighing on your soul.
In a lecture by Kevin J. Worthen, President of Brigham Young University, he shares how connecting with a Higher Power (in his case, Jesus Christ) can help ease fear—and I would say, the personal insecurity that often comes with anxiety and fear:
“The more we know Christ, the more we will trust and love Him and the more faith we will have in Him. …Simple acts of daily scripture study and prayer—especially with the intent to know the Savior better—will do more than almost anything else to strengthen your faith in Him, which, in turn, will decrease the amount of irrational fear in your life, no matter the particular cause of that fear.”
Faith and fear cannot exist in the same moment, and fear is often at the core of low self-worth. More on this fear in a moment.
3. Stop thinking about yourself, and focus instead on serving those around you.
One of the most impactful statements I’ve read this year comes from Gabby Bernstein, author of Judgment Detox:
“The root cause of all judgment is the fear of not being good enough, not being worthy of love, and not being safe. When we become brave enough to look at the judgment and fear, we can begin to heal.”
Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash
Woah. Similarly, Mother Teresa is quoted as saying: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Christ taught, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” And from Ghandi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
We find personal healing and peace by serving others. Everyone from prophets to spiritual gurus will agree. And why is this?
It’s because we’re looking outward (which isn’t necessarily sustainable for validation, but IS beneficial when our focus is on how to care for those around us). It gets us out of our own heads. It puts more goodness into the world. It creates internal purpose and drive—while removing the focus on self (“lose yourself in the service of others”).
Conclusion
There are so many other things that can help us remember our self-worth and build self-esteem, like practicing self-compassion, doing things we love, meditating, reciting positive affirmations, and more. The list is endless. (Maybe there will be a Part 2 to this article). An incredible friend of mine even challenged herself to do one thing each day that scared her to help her build her self-confidence—and from reaching out to strangers she admired (Instagram!), to traveling to Africa on a humanitarian trip, she did it! She has become one of the most grounded and peaceful women I know.
For today: Buy some new jeans! Connect to your Higher Power through study, prayer, or whatever works best for you! Go do something nice for someone!
Above all, know that your worth is innate and doesn’t need to be earned. Everyone has shortcomings, and they are excellent opportunities to become more than we were before. And you are enough, in every single way.
Bernstein, G. (2018). Judgment Detox: Release the beliefs that hold you back from living a better life. S.l.: Gallery Books.
Botic, S. (2017). Letting go of Leo: How I broke up with perfection. Bloomington, IN: Balboa Press, a division of Hay House.
Kaskutas, L. A. (2009). Alcoholics Anonymous Effectiveness: Faith Meets Science. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28(2), 145-157. http://doi.org/10.1080/10550880902772464
Worthen, K. J. (2017, September 12). Fear Not. Address presented at BYU Devotional in Provo, UT.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
