Love, Me, Mental Notes, Reaching Higher

Understanding What You Are Worthy Of

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Cover photo by Sindre Strøm from Pexels
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
We generally talk about worthiness as being a process of earning – to become worthy is to achieve a certain standard of “goodness” in order to obtain certain rewards. There are rules that accompany worthiness. While striving to be better and to be worthy of great things is a wonderful thing, sometimes we over-apply rules of worthiness, deciding that we have to be worthy of love, of communicating with a higher power, of becoming successful, and of becoming whole. “Worthiness to receive love, compassion, and the rest is inherent in our being.” (Fishman, 2018)
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

You are worthy of growth.

Many of us spend too much time being hypercritical of ourselves. We are aware of everything we didn’t get done and all of our flaws. We constantly “should” ourselves: “I should have said this”, “I should have been able to do that”, and so on.
“When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves….Worthiness is a process. …Perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that personal measurement or judgment oftentimes may be severe and inaccurate. We may get bogged down as we try to understand and define worthiness. All of us are particularly aware of our shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, it is easy for us to feel that we are unworthy.” (Ashton, 1989)
All of us, regardless of what we have done or where we currently find ourselves, are worthy to be better, smarter, more talented, more kind, more whole, more healthy, than we were yesterday. We are all worthy of allowing ourselves to be more whole, regardless of what we have done, or what situation we currently find ourselves in.

You are worthy of love.

We are all worthy of love – of being loved, and biologically it is something we crave. To feel worthy of receiving love from others, we must also love ourselves and feel worthy of caring for ourselves. We can and have written pieces on self-love, so while I am going to move on, remember that self-care is crucial!
This is what we need to understand: We are responsible for putting effort into maintaining the relationships we value, and it is important to take ownership of our mistakes. That being said, we do not have to earn love from those who we care about. And we do not need to carry shame for our imperfections and feel that honest mistakes disqualify us from the love and compassion of others.
We all want to belong. But,“some individuals grow up feeling that love from their caregivers is conditional upon living up to certain expectations, and thus gaining love from their parents may come at a steep price. These perceptions of the conditionality of love may lead to feelings of unworthiness of love even later in life.” (Overup et al., 2013) Those struggling with self-doubt are often involved in less satisfying relationships. Sometimes when we doubt our worthiness of love, we are excessively cautious, and struggle to find or allow ourselves to feel security, even when behavioral realities are secure. (Murray, et al., 2003)
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

You are worthy of security.

When I refer to security I mean a sense of security within our relationships. Because of our experiences in our family systems, romantic relationships, religious congregations, workplaces and in other environments, we carry with us unspoken rules about what it means to be worthy. Some of these rules may be appropriate, but some of these rules are often shame-based as well. “These rules do not govern only who is worthy of receiving our love. They govern how we view our own worthiness to receive.
These rules are generally not universal. Although some are cultural, most are specific to each of us as individuals. These rules are typically not conscious. You likely don’t walk around with a checklist. And yet, you know your rules. You know your rules because you’ve been living with these rules for as long as you’ve been alive. We learn early in life what we must do to earn love and affection from our parents. We learn what makes us worthy of receiving compassion and care, and what we must do to be worthy of respect.” (Fishman, 2018)

Understanding worthiness and spirituality

Worthiness generally has religious and spiritual connotations. For many who are religious, the goal is to be worthy enough to live in heaven, nirvana, paradise, or moksha. For many, there are certain rites, ceremonies, and/or behaviors or qualities that make us worthy to be in the presence of our higher power. This is certainly not incorrect, and understanding worthiness as a process of growth helps us to have patience with ourselves and achieve our spiritual goals. Having said that, sometimes we impose these standards for worthiness upon things which don’t need them.
For example, as I have researched “worthiness”, one thing that has frequently come up is that many question their worthiness to pray or communicate with their higher power. Many even question whether they are worthy of having a relationship with their higher power. The general consensus I can find across many religions is that while certain privileges require some level of worthiness, our ability to pray to or commune with our higher power is not contingent upon any level of worthiness. Regardless of our situation in life, we are worthy of love, and we are worthy of seeking divine guidance and help.
One Christian’s perspective was this, “So often we hear about what we are supposed to do for God. But the emphasis of the Bible is not so much on what we are supposed to do for God, but rather on what God has done for us. If we can get hold of that in our minds and hearts, it will change our outlook and actions. The more we understand of what God has done for us, the more we will want to do for Him.” (Laurie, 2020)
Photo by Yingchou Han on Unsplash

Final thoughts to redefine worthiness

As Brené Brown puts it, “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for worthiness. (Brown, 2015) As we become more wholehearted about who we are and what we want, and work to remove self-doubt, we rewrite our personal rules for worthiness. Interestingly, we feel more worthy when we own our stories and don’t try to push tough emotions and experiences out of our stories. Allowing ourselves to feel worthy of good things like, love, compassion, happiness, and healing takes time – because worthiness is a process of growth.
This week, practice owning your story. Practice being more intentional in affirming that you are worthy of good things.

References

Ashton, M. J. (1989). On Being Worthy. Ensign, 20-22.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Random House.
Fishman, R. (2018, August 01). What Determines Our Worthiness to Receive?: Retrieved September 10, 2020, from https://mymeadowreport.com/reneefishman/2018/what-determines-our-worthiness/
Laurie, G. (2020) For Those Who Do Not Feel Worthy to Approach God in Prayer. Retrieved September 5, 2020, from https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/a-new-beginning/read/articles/for-those-who-do-not-feel-worthy-to-approach-god-in-prayer-15931.html
Mruk, C. J. (2013). Defining Self-Esteem as a Relationship between Competence and Worthiness: How a Two-Factor Approach Integrates the Cognitive and Affective Dimensions of Self-Esteem. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 44(2), 157-164. https://doi.org/10.2478/ppb-2013-0018
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 423-436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004
Øverup, C. S., Brunson, J. A., Steers, M. N., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). I know I have to earn your love: How the family environment shapes feelings of worthiness of love. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 22(1), 16-35. https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2013.868362

 

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care!

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Written by Rachael Porter
Tension and faint smoke filled the air as my roommates and I hunched over our kitchen table, overwhelmed with homework. Midterms were coming up, and we had been too preoccupied with studying to hear the oven buzz on our chicken nuggets. Abruptly, my roommate slammed her pen onto the table.
“I am too stressed,” she huffed. “I am going outside to cry. I’m setting my alarm, and I’ll be back in three minutes because SELF-CARE.” As I watched her leave and took the burning nuggets from the oven, a thought crossed my mind: “Why would she practice self-care by crying? Isn’t self-care supposed to make people happy?”
Your version of self-care might look similar to mine: a giant bowl of rich chocolate ice cream and a Disney movie night. I have heard my friends use massages, pedicures, and shopping sprees as other examples of self-care. I have also seen my friends shrug and say, “You know, self-care” as they dive into a massive plate of nachos or level up in the latest smartphone video game. 
I have found myself wondering: Is this truly self-care? When did self-care become synonymous with self-indulgence? If self-care is defined as “taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health” (as the Oxford dictionary states) we might re-examine whether our “self-care” choices are leading to better health or whether they might just be an attempt to make ourselves happy right now.
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Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash
While the occasional bowl of ice cream and movie night can be part of a long-term strategy, it’s probably not our best “go-to” if used too often. Rather, self-care should stem from making choices relevant to long-term health and happiness, not simply short-term gratification. 
Especially when stressed, we need to feed our body with sleep, fuel, and fulfillment, even if our immediate emotional response to a rough day is to forget all healthy practices in exchange for yummy treats and lazy pastimes. Chances are that mindless screen-scrolling, spending money, or indulging on junk food won’t quite do the trick in terms of replenishing our bodies or building our health. In fact, a Harvard study shows that regular physical activity and a healthy diet are factors that help add more than 10 years to your life (Li et al., 2018)! 
Here are some simple ideas to cope with stressful situations that are healthier for the body and mind.
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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Care for Your Body

The way you care for your body will have direct effects on your health and happiness. Here are a few ideas of practices you might try to better care for yourself physically. 
Watch what you eat. Although there is no single dietary pattern that will benefit everyone, our bodies do react to what we put inside them. Sugar can increase our energy levels but it burns out fast, which won’t be helpful if you’re looking ahead at a long day. Feeling stress during the day can drain your energy levels. 
If you feel low on energy, you might want to add more nutritious fruits and veggies to your diet to stay full and fueled. Try buying a few fruits vegetables at the store, cut or divide them up, and distribute them into bags or containers that are perfect for grabbing at a moment’s notice. Experiment with healthy food options and recipes. Prepare a few healthy snack options. Listen to your body react to the food you put inside it and adjust accordingly. 
Engage in exercise. You’ve blocked out time in your schedule for physical activity but find yourself dreading it and make excuses to skip it. We know that exercise can improve strength, sleep, and mood. It decreases weight and lowers the risk of various diseases. However, exercise can be a mentally challenging task, especially on the days when we are stressed out. So, find ways to make exercise a natural part of your routine can actually relieve that stress as you accomplish a healthy goal. 
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Photo by Kike Vega on Unsplash
For example, try doing your favorite exercise first. Research shows that if you begin workouts with your favorite exercises, you will look forward to working out and have a better overall experience (Ruby, Dunn, Perrino, Gillis, & Viel, 2011). Experiment with different exercises. Listen to your body and figure out which exercises you love. Then, plan out a routine that allows for low-energy routines for when you are stressed–plan on a good workout for when you have a little more mental and physical energy. 
Stress Relief. You’ve had a hard day, come home from work with some frustrations that really can’t be resolved until tomorrow, but you know you need a little self-care and you do have an hour. Maybe begin by checking in with your body—what hurts? Tense shoulder muscles? Tired feet? Give them a little love. You might try a 10-minute yoga routine when you feel stiff, a stroll around the block to stretch your legs, or engage in a few prolonged toe touches when your backaches. Try soaking your feet in alternating hot and cold water or getting a foot massage to increase blood flow and reduce tension. 

Care for Your Mind

Your brain is the powerhouse of the body and can greatly affect your health and happiness. Here are a few tips to care for your mind and add a little calm to your day.
Nap time! Did you know that napping is good for your brain? An Oxford study tested students’ memory after napping, cramming, or taking a mental break (Cousins, Wong, Raghunath, Look, & Chee, 2018). Students who took a complete mental break did not improve their memory for test materials at all. Students who took a nap or crammed for the test remembered a lot more, but a week later, only those who napped still remembered any of the material! Try setting aside some time to wind down and take a few 10-minute naps this week to assess how it affects your body. 
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Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
Inhale, exhale. If you don’t have time for a nap, at least try some deep breathing. Using deep breathing techniques improves the ability to manage stress in daily life (Perciavalle et al., 2016). Maybe try practicing mindfulness (Teper, Segal, & Inzlicht, 2013). Turn your attention inward until you become aware of your feelings, including negative ones. Next, accept those feelings as they are, even if they hurt. People who practice mindfulness feel more in control because they are aware of what is going on internally and they decide to be okay with that. Try practicing mindfulness and note how it affects your feelings of calm and control.
Cry me a river. Although I originally assumed that my roommate’s bout of tears was crazy, I learned later that she might actually be onto something. According to one investigation, both males and females generally experience a better mood after crying, especially if that crying is done in private (Becht, & Vingerhoets, 2002). Crying in private helps criers avoid self-consciousness or judgment from others and allows them to be authentic and let it out! Next time you feel your eyeballs welling up, try telling yourself that it is okay to cry once in a while. Find a space to be alone, let it leak, and see how the crying makes you feel. 
Your body and your mind are incredible tools that serve your needs every day. Do yourself a favor and take care of them! Avoid ‘self-care’ practices that are empty of benefits. Instead, find the practices that will replenish your body and mind. Today, pick out a few habits that you can begin so that tomorrow (and every day after) your body and mind will thank you.
Personal Practice 1Identify a form of self-care that nourishes, restores, and connects you, and implement that practice into your week.

References

Becht, M. C., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2002). Crying and Mood Change: a Cross-Cultural Study. Cognition and
Emotion, 16(1), 87-101.
Cousins, J. N., Wong, K. F., Raghunath, B. L., Look, C., & Chee, M. W. L. (2018, October 29). The long-term memory benefits of a daytime nap compared with cramming. Sleep, 42(1), https://doi.org/10.1093/sleep/zsy207
Li, Y., Pan, A., Wang, D. D., Liu, X., Dhana, K., Franco, O. H., Kaptoge, S., Angelantonio, E. D., Stampfer, M., Willett, W. C., Hu, F. B. (2018, April 30). Impact of healthy lifestyle factors on life expectancies in the US population. Circulation, 138(4).
Perciavalle, V., Blandini, M., Fecarotta, P., Buscemi, A., Corrado, D. D., Bertolo, L., Fichera, F., & Coco, M. (2016, Dec 19). The role of deep breathing on stress. Neurological Science, 38(3), 451-458. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10072-016-2790-8
Ruby, M. B., Dunn, E. W., Perrino, A., Gillis, R., & Viel, S. (2011). The invisible benefits of exercise. Health Psychology, 30(1), 67-74. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021859.
Teper, R., Segal, Z. V., & Inzlicht, M. (2013). How mindfulness enhances emotion regulation through improvements in executive control. Current Directions in Psychological Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413495869

 

IMG_20200315_142213 (1)Rachael Porter is from Saratoga Springs, Utah. Rachael is currently a Family Life major with a minor in gerontology at BYU. She is the oldest of four kids and is married to her best friend Matt. She works as a TA for online family life classes at BYU. Rachael looks forward to graduating in December 2020 and having children afterward. She enjoys ice cream, traveling, friends, hiking, camping, plants, and movie nights.

 

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Love Languages, Love, Me

Self-Love Languages

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Written by Rian Gordon
Many of us are familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. These love languages represent the way we prefer to receive love in our close relationships, and include five categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. While learning and communicating our preferred love languages can be an enlightening way to unlock deeper trust and connection in our relationships with others, I have been pondering the powerful potential of how these love languages can change our relationships with ourselves. 
Not all of us are in situations where people we love are frequently showing us the love we need and deserve through our preferred love language. Whether you are single, working through difficulties in your relationship, or simply living away from close friends and family, sometimes the only person that we can rely on to show us consistent and careful love is US. 
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Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash
So how can we learn to better speak our love language in our relationship with ourselves? As with any other situation in which we are seeking to strengthen our communication skills, the first step involves gaining understanding, and the second, practice! In order to show yourself love in your preferred love language, you have to know what that preferred love language is! It requires a little self-awareness and a knowledge of your own needs and desires. This quiz from Dr. Chapman’s website is a great tool to help you figure out your love language if you are having trouble identifying it on your own. 
* Note: Your primary love language for how you like to receive love from others may be different from how you like to receive love from yourself (what I like to call your self-love language). Try out different things, and learn what works the best for you! 
After you know how you like to receive love, you have the power to start practicing showing that love to yourself! Intentionally work activities into your routine that give you time to show yourself love and compassion in the way that you like to receive it most. 
Here are some ideas for how you can show yourself love in your preferred self-love language (there are lots more – get creative!):

Words of Affirmation

The words we say have power – especially the ones we say to ourselves. Regardless of your preferred self-love language, each of us can benefit from speaking kinder and more loving words to ourselves! If Words of Affirmation is your preferred self-love language, these little efforts will make a big difference in strengthening your relationship with yourself. 
  • Practice thinking kind thoughts about yourself.
  • Write yourself a love letter.
  • Listen to your favorite music, book, or poetry.
  • Implement positive affirmations into your daily routine.
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Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash

Acts of Service

Individuals who prefer acts of service are often very other-focused and are constantly worried about the needs of those around them. How often do you really think about your needs and do something nice for yourself? If you need someone to give you permission, then here you go!
  • Ask yourself what you need today, and then go do it.
  • Say “no” to something unnecessary on your “to-do” list. 
  • Perform a service for someone else (alright, alright, sometimes, this is just what you need to feel a little extra love in your day!). 

Gifts

Giving a meaningful gift is not always about how much money it costs; it’s more about the thought that goes into getting and giving the gift. Take some time to think about your needs, and treat yourself to something that will be meaningful to you!
  • Budget some money each month to buy yourself a small gift.
  • Get yourself a treat while out running errands.
  • Make yourself something.
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Photo from pexels.com

Physical Touch

The love language of Physical Touch is all about physical experience and connecting to your body. A great way to show yourself love in ways that relate to physical touch is by connecting to your senses, and by showing your body some extra love. 
  • Give yourself a foot, hand, or neck massage (or splurge a little and get a professional massage). This is a great video to help guide you through some simple and relaxing self-massage! 
  • Take a bath and be sure to use your favorite bath salts, bath bombs, or essential oils. 
  • Get into your body with some movement you enjoy.
  • Give yourself a hug.

Quality Time

When you date someone else, you make sure to spend a lot of time with them so you can get to know them. But are we willing to do the same for ourselves? Spending time to re-connect with yourself and get to know who you are in the present moment can be so healing and enlightening. Take some time to get to know yourself better today!
  • Take yourself out on a date.
  • Spend some time out in nature.
  • Implement a meditation practice into your day.
  • Go on an adventure and try something you have always wanted to try. 
Regardless of your situation, you deserve love, and practicing self-love is a great way to guarantee that you will get it! Get to know your preferred self-love language and start showing yourself some love more intentionally today!
Personal Practice 1Discover your self-love language, and implement one practice to show yourself some love this week. 

References

10-Minute Yoga For Self Care – Yoga With Adriene. (2017, February 12). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpW33Celubg
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Moody. (n.d.). Discover Your Love Language. Retrieved January 30, 2020, from https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me

Self-Care for Busy Humans

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Written by Rian Gordon
For as many different ways as there are to self-care, there are just as many different excuses that people come up with for why they don’t self-care. The three most common that I have encountered are these:
  •  “I don’t need it, I’m doing fine.” If you are using this as an excuse to not self-care, then you either don’t understand what self-care is, or you are lying to yourself. Believe it or not, self-care is actually not just a want, it is a NEED. A lot of people misconstrue self-care for a general “treat yo’self” attitude where you just do whatever you want whenever you want. While treating yourself to something you love or crave can certainly be a part of self-care, that is not all that it means. Self-care is taking an active role in protecting, preserving, and improving one’s own health, well-being, and happiness (Lexico, 2019). It is what keeps us living, growing, and thriving. We ALL need self-care, even during the times in our life when we are doing well, so please don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s not for you!
  •  “I feel like I’m being selfish.” Friends, self-care is NOT selfish! When all we do is give constantly, it can leave us feeling drained and burned out. Self-care is what fills our cup so that we can then go on and give to others. Of course, it is important to find a balance between giving and receiving, and of course, anything good can be misused or extorted when pushed to an extreme. It’s important to discover that balance for yourself as an individual and to be true to your own needs and the needs of your loved ones.
  • “I just don’t have time!” Between work, school, kids, social life, housekeeping, etc., it can feel like there is never enough time to do what is required of us, much less to take time for self-care. This is the excuse that I most what to address today because it is one that I know many people struggle with and because there are really some easy fixes that can help us move past the time-crunches, and into caring for ourselves in healthy and important ways.
Here are a few research-supported suggestions I have to help you find time for self-care:
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Photo from pexels.com

Make your own time

This sounds impossible, but I promise it’s a lot simpler than you might think. For this suggestion, I want you to think specifically about your personal relationship with technology in your daily life. Did you know that the average human spends 41% of their time in front of a screen!? THAT’S MORE THAN WE SLEEP. If you currently believe that you do not have time for self-care, take just 2 or 3 days to track how much time you are spending in front of a screen – scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, reading the latest celeb gossip, etc. You can use an app, or keep track of it on paper. Next, consciously replace that screen-time with some intentional self-care. I can guarantee that you will find at least five minutes in your day to spend taking care of yourself. 
If you do this and are still struggling to find time to take care of you, here is what I suggest: practice self-care FIRST. This can be hard and feel selfish, but when you take the time to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually care for yourself first, you may be surprised how much more energy and motivation you have to get done what else needs to be done. 
Note: For some people, scrolling through social media or watching Netflix is actually part of their self-care. That is okay! Just make sure you are being intentional about the time you are spending in front of a screen, and be sure that if you are including it in your self-care, it is actually renewing you. 

Self-care for different situations

While re-purposing unneeded screen-time can help you make more time for self-care, it can still be difficult to juggle everything that needs to get done throughout the day and carve out intentional time for nourishing, restoring, and reconnecting with yourself. The good news is, self-care doesn’t just mean spending an hour doing at-home yoga or meditation! It is possible to do some self-care at work, while parenting, while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. Here are some things you can do in every-day situations to care for yourself:
  • Practice being mindful
  • Listen to music that inspires you
  • Go outside
  • Try doing some yoga at your desk (here’s a great video for that)
  • Eat a snack (something that nourishes you – you decide what this means)
  • Organize your physical space
  • Look for something new to learn
  • Stretch
  • Make an effort to talk with someone around you (connection can be so revitalizing!)
  • Laugh
  • Practice communicating your needs and setting healthy boundaries (with your children, co-workers, roommates, etc.)
Self-care looks different for everyone, so get creative with this one. What do YOU need to recharge? Think outside the box!
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Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash

A little goes a long way

You don’t have to spend hours every day doing self-care in order to reap its many benefits. Taking even just 10 minutes a day to intentionally nourish, restore, and re-connect can help you find balance and a more whole and complete health in every aspect of your life. In particular, taking a little time to care for yourself will go a long way in your relationships. The more you work to fill your emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/etc. well, the more YOU there will be to give and share with those you love. The key is to find what forms of self-care are particularly relevant and effective for you. If you aren’t sure what those are, try some of the suggestions from “Self-Care Bully” Reva Cook at the tail end of her HHP guest post here. Start with just a little bit of personalized self-care a day, and watch your capacity for connection and giving increase ten-fold. 
I know that making time for yourself can be hard – especially in today’s world. But in order for you to not just survive, but THRIVE in your life and in your relationships, daily self-care is critical. So for all you busy humans out there, stop with the excuses! Make time for self-care because you (and everyone you love) are worth it. 
Personal Practice 1This week, replace 10 minutes a day of screen-time with self-care time.

References

Hurst, K. (2019, June 3). What Is Self-Care And Why Is Self-Care Important? Retrieved from http://www.thelawofattraction.com/self-care-tips/
Mills, J., Wand, T., & Fraser, J. A. (2018). Exploring the meaning and practice of self-care among palliative care nurses and doctors: a qualitative study. BMC palliative care, 17(1), 63. doi:10.1186/s12904-018-0318-0
(2019). Self-Care. Retrieved from http://www.wright.edu/student-affairs/health-and-wellness/counseling-and-wellness/workshops-and-self-help/self-care#references
(2019). self-care: Definition of self-care in English by Lexico Dictionaries. Retrieved from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/self-care
Stockwell, Angie. (2017). Effectiveness of Self-Care in Reducing Symptoms of Secondary Traumatic Stress. Retrieved from Sophia, the St. Catherine University repository website: https://sophia.stkate.edu/msw_papers/797

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me

Intuitive Eating (Not Just for Dummies)

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Written by Erin Palmer, Body Image Coach and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor
Keto. Intermittent Fasting. Whole 30. Low-carb. Vegan. Weight Watchers. Juice fasts. Clean Eating. There is no end to the variety of diets that are competing for your attention when it comes to your weight and health. Many of them tout guidelines and science-backed principles that openly conflict with one another. While they differ in some ways, all diets come back to the same principle of restriction. They require meticulous counting and measuring, eradication of certain food groups, as well as other rules and regulations to guide the eating experience. Add that to all of the social expectations about how your body “should look” and it is no wonder that so much of our time and energy is consumed by dieting and body thoughts. Registered dietician Christy Harrison aptly calls dieting “the life thief”. (Harrison, 2017) 
At its core, the idea of dieting for the purpose of improving one’s health seems harmless. However, contrary to what the diet and fitness industry is telling us, studies show that dieting has a 90-95% failure rate. (Grodstein, et al., 1996) An additional study also documented that dieting as a result of weight stigma poses a significant threat to psychological and physical health and presents significant risk factors for depression, low-self esteem, and body dissatisfaction. (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008)
The more you diet, the more your confidence and self-trust gradually erodes. 
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In 1995, two registered dieticians published a new book, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch were working independently but had both noticed that no matter what they did to help their clients lose weight and keep it off their clients kept coming back, filled with guilt and shame, having regained the weight. They realized that dieting was not working and they decided to dive deep into the data. What resulted from their research were the life-changing principles that are found in their book. Now they teach about the importance of rejecting the diet mentality and making peace with food. They teach how to cope with your emotions without using food and learn to respect your body and find joy in movement and exercise. (Tribole, & Resch, 2019)
But intuitive eating is so much more than a new “plan.” At its core, Intuitive Eating is about taking your power back. It’s about learning to trust your natural instincts and to ignore all the different outside messages telling you who you need to be, what you need to look like, how much you should weigh, what you can eat, when you can eat it, how much of it you can eat, etc.. Intuitive eating is about tuning in to your body and re-learning how to trust and truly take care of yourself. It is about finding pleasure and satisfaction in food again while living your most fulfilling life, free of the shame and guilt that often accompanies dieting. 
There is a large misconception that when we let go of all the diet rules and practice intuitive eating that we are “letting ourselves go.” This could not be more opposite from the truth. When you truly give yourself permission to eat and to rely on your body’s signals of hunger, fullness, and satiety, you are allowing yourself to be! You are giving yourself permission to take up space and to live a purposeful life without measuring your worth by the number of calories you consume or whether or not you were able to achieve ketosis. Eating intuitively requires that you are present in your life and are aware of your emotions and thoughts surrounding food. The more you come to know and value your own inner voice, the more you will learn to give your body what it truly needs, whether that be cake or kale. Many people I have worked with have been surprised at what happens when they begin to trust themselves. While they originally thought that they would end up living off a diet of candy and chips, they learned that when they took the time to listen to their body their body provided them with cravings for a variety of nutrients and foods. In my opinion, learning to listen to and trust your body with food is one of the most powerful and effective means of self-care.
If you have spent a good part of your life on a diet, it may feel really intimidating to dive into intuitive eating. But know this: unlike a diet, you cannot fail at intuitive eating! (Tribole, & Resch, 1995) It is all a learning process and it looks different for every person. Your journey will be different, but even moments of cleaning out an entire carton of ice cream in one sitting can provide an opportunity to check in and reconnect with yourself.
Here are some steps that you can take towards learning how to trust your own intuition with food and make peace with your body:
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1. Learn to ask questions

We have been sold a lot of ideas about health and wellness that at first glance may seem like good things. But it is important to ask yourself questions like, “Who decided that _____ is the way that we should all look?” “Who benefits from me buying that product/participating in that diet?” “Why do I believe that changing my body in this way will allow me to feel ____? Is that true?” You can also use this tool to help you as you navigate intuitive eating and re-learn what your body needs, what foods truly taste good to you, what type of exercise and movement brings you joy. 

2. Get rid of external measuring sticks

Have you ever watched a young child eat? When you were a toddler, you ate when you were hungry and you stopped when you were full. You found joy and satisfaction in food. Your body was created and developed from a small group of cells into a full human infant without any kind of external influence. Your body still has every system and regulator it needs to continue to help you thrive and grow. The problem is that we have learned to ignore those internal regulating systems and intuition and instead rely on food pyramids, fitness trackers, and scales to tell us what, when, and how we should be eating. Go back to the basics, learn to trust yourself by how you feel and experience food. You are your own best measuring stick.

3. Practice self-acceptance

Have you ever told yourself “I’ve got to work off that extra cookie I ate last night” or “As soon as I am ___ lbs, then it will be easier to love myself.” Punishing yourself out of disgust or waiting until a future day to love yourself are rooted in the idea of fear. Fear that you won’t be accepted by others as you are, fear of gaining weight, or fear of not measuring up to our own self-inflicted standards. The antidote to fear is love, but proclaiming “I love my body and I love myself” can sometimes be a hard jump for some people. The small starting step is to practice acceptance for who you are at this moment and recognize that nothing is going to change your body in that instant. Don’t allow the ever-fluid future to rob you of the beauty happening in your life today. Start living and experiencing the life you are waiting for right now!  
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4. Give yourself grace

Starting something new can be hard. Unlearning years of diet lies and gimmicks can be especially tricky. It is most definitely a process that takes a lot of time and intention and you can’t measure or compare your journey to anyone else’s. Each day you will need to give yourself grace and be curious instead of critical. Give yourself permission to feel sad or angry at the lies that you have been sold about your body. Offer kindness and patience to yourself as you navigate learning how to trust yourself again. We are often so much more charitable to those around us than we are to ourselves but in the end, one of the most important relationships we have is with ourselves and investing in self-kindness and self-compassion is key. 

5. Read the book Intuitive Eating

Intuitive eating has become somewhat of a buzzword in the social media community. While it is incredible and exciting that it is finally getting the attention it deserves, there are many sources that claim to be intuitive eating focused while still holding on to dangerous aspects of diet culture. Go to the original source! If you have spent part of your life caught up in diet culture and experiencing poor body image, implementing the principles from that book has the power to help you make peace with food and your body and has the potential to ultimately change your life.
Personal Practice 1This week, spend at least one meal eating mindfully. Before you take your first bite, notice the smell and look of your food. Anticipate what it will taste like. As you tuck in, chew slowly. Notice the texture and feel of the food. Really relish in the taste. Eating in this mindful way can help you be more in-tune with the needs and desires of your body. Be sure to pay attention to when you feel full!

References

Harrison, Christy. “The Life Thief.” 2017, https://christyharrison.com/thelifethief
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., & Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. & Brownell, K. D. (2008). Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35
Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2019) The Principles of Intuitive Eating. https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/ 
Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (1995). Intuitive eating: A revolutionary program that works. pg 53
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