One day last fall, I was hanging out with a friend all day. We were driving around running errands and by the end of the day we were at HIS house in Salt Lake City but with MY car. HIS car was 40 minutes south at MY house in Provo. The plan was to drive back to my house together and he would drive his car home from there.
Forty minutes later we pulled into my driveway and he suddenly realized that he had left his car keys at his house—forty minutes north, where we had just come from.
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“Dang it!” he said, as his head dropped back against the headrest. He was silent for a moment then said, “Just give me 10 seconds.” During those 10 seconds, he groaned and expressed anger and frustration—the most frustrated I had ever seen him. Then with an exhale he said, “Okay, let’s head back up.”
We turned up the music, took a detour to pick up desserts and sodas, and made the most of our trip back to Salt Lake City. And then, back down to Provo.
What was supposed to take 40 minutes took close to two hours, but we made the most of it. That night ended up being one of my favorite memories with him.
This friend of mine had been through some really hard things in his life and, as a result, had learned how to keep things in perspective. That included recognizing what things didn’t really matter in the long run, and knowing how to process them and move forward quickly. I’ve thought a lot since then about how to develop such skills, and here is what I’ve come up with:
Give a Fudge About Less
Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
Account for the People Factor
Give a Fudge About Less
“The key to a good life is not giving a [fudge]* about more; it’s giving a [fudge] about less, giving a [fudge] about only what is true and immediate and important.” – Mark Manson, p. 5
*Sorry, Mark Manson— I edited your quote for this family-friendly audience.
I have to remind myself almost daily that most things really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Those car keys from the story earlier? Yes, it was frustrating, and it was perfectly healthy to get out that initial frustration. However, having to drive back home for a forgotten item really didn’t matter.
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Think about your week so far. Can you think of a moment when you reacted poorly to a stressful situation? Notice your shoulders right now—are they high up by your ears, or rolled back and relaxed? Some stress is very understandable and valid, but I would guess that even the heaviest stressors aren’t worth holding onto like we (or I) often do.
We can approach stressful situations in a healthier way by moving from an impulsive reaction to a mindful response.
Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
“It is normal to react and respond to our environment,” says Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. “Reacting is part of life. It’s part of interacting, and it’s part of being alive and human. But we allow ourselves to get so upset, and so distracted. Little things, big things—anything—have the power to throw us off the track. And the way we respond after we react is frequently not in our best interests.”
This is where I’d pause and suggest that “reacting” and “responding” are two different things. I view “reacting” as that initial charge of emotions that Beattie is describing—becoming upset and distracted, focusing solely on that frustration. I view “responding” as what Beattie gets to in Step 4 below: handling the situation from a peaceful state of mind.
Beattie continues to share the internal chaos that can result—and become the norm—when we live in a constant state of “reacting”: “When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. We are like a wisp of paper in a thunderstorm, blown about by every wind” (p. 66).
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Beattie’s recommendations?
Learn to recognize when you’re reacting to a stressor.
Calm down.
Analyze what really happened.
Decide how to best handle the situation from this more peaceful state.
Handling the situation in a healthy, peaceful manner may mean letting things go that don’t really matter, apologizing, offering forgiveness, or remedying the situation in another way. In the car key situation, it meant processing and letting go of frustration, then making the best of the change of plans.
(Beattie expounds on these recommendations on pages 70-72 of her book Codependent No More).
How many things feel so heavy but don’t really need to? How many things will really matter 10 years from now? Using these steps to process situations will help you move from reacting to responding, and help you develop a more realistic perspective of the situations you encounter.
Account for the People Factor
Car keys are one thing, but oftentimes situations involving people we love can be much more tricky—and frustrating and painful—to get over. It’s not just feeling strong feelings about car keys—it’s feeling strong feelings about someone we care about.
The solution is in the problem: If we care about someone, we can choose to treat them in that way. This includes giving them the benefit of the doubt, forgiving more freely, and serving without thought of return. It still may not be easy, but it is a perspective worth applying. Remembering the care we feel toward someone not only heals that relationship, but develops the quality and character of our hearts.
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Dr. C. Terry Warner, co-founder of the Arbinger Institute, expounds on this principle: “By seeing others suspiciously, accusingly, or fearfully, we become suspicious, accusing, or fearful ourselves. By no longer seeing them with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous. The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us…. Who we are is how we are in relation to others” (p. 41).
While many conflicts occur with the people we care about the most, we also experience conflicts with people who we may really not care about at all. In that case, I’d note that we each are still responsible for how we act and feel toward others. As Warner said, “By no longer seeing [ANYONE] with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous.” It isn’t easy to feel that level of care toward everyone, but it is definitely a worthy goal to work toward.
While you’re in the middle of processing whatever situation you are in the middle of, just don’t forget the most important factor: people.Conclusion
It can be incredibly difficult to keep a realistic perspective in the middle of a stressful situation—to change from reacting to mindfully responding to a situation, and to put less energy toward things that really don’t matter. It’s a habit that I’m continually working on improving. So, let’s improve together.
I leave you with another of my favorite quotes, one that says it all so well:
“Some things matter, most things don’t. A few things last, but most things won’t.” – Neill F. Marriott
This week, we’re breaking a habit! Instead of “reacting” impulsively to difficult situations, practice pausing and “responding.” Print out this free download for some reminders to post around your home or workspace, or create your own reminder. (Free download photos by Gary Barnes; designed by the author).
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
For as many different ways as there are to self-care, there are just as many different excuses that people come up with for why they don’t self-care. The three most common that I have encountered are these:
“I don’t need it, I’m doing fine.” If you are using this as an excuse to not self-care, then you either don’t understand what self-care is, or you are lying to yourself. Believe it or not, self-care is actually not just a want, it is a NEED. A lot of people misconstrue self-care for a general “treat yo’self” attitude where you just do whatever you want whenever you want. While treating yourself to something you love or crave can certainly be a part of self-care, that is not all that it means. Self-care is taking an active role in protecting, preserving, and improving one’s own health, well-being, and happiness (Lexico, 2019). It is what keeps us living, growing, and thriving. We ALL need self-care, even during the times in our life when we are doing well, so please don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s not for you!
“I feel like I’m being selfish.”Friends, self-care is NOT selfish! When all we do is give constantly, it can leave us feeling drained and burned out. Self-care is what fills our cup so that we can then go on and give to others. Of course, it is important to find a balance between giving and receiving, and of course, anything good can be misused or extorted when pushed to an extreme. It’s important to discover that balance for yourself as an individual and to be true to your own needs and the needs of your loved ones.
“I just don’t have time!”Between work, school, kids, social life, housekeeping, etc., it can feel like there is never enough time to do what is required of us, much less to take time for self-care. This is the excuse that I most what to address today because it is one that I know many people struggle with and because there are really some easy fixes that can help us move past the time-crunches, and into caring for ourselves in healthy and important ways.
Here are a few research-supported suggestions I have to help you find time for self-care:
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Make your own time
This sounds impossible, but I promise it’s a lot simpler than you might think. For this suggestion, I want you to think specifically about your personal relationship with technology in your daily life. Did you know that the average human spends 41% of their time in front of a screen!? THAT’S MORE THAN WE SLEEP. If you currently believe that you do not have time for self-care, take just 2 or 3 days to track how much time you are spending in front of a screen – scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, reading the latest celeb gossip, etc. You can use an app, or keep track of it on paper. Next, consciously replace that screen-time with some intentional self-care. I can guarantee that you will find at least five minutes in your day to spend taking care of yourself.
If you do this and are still struggling to find time to take care of you, here is what I suggest: practice self-care FIRST. This can be hard and feel selfish, but when you take the time to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually care for yourself first, you may be surprised how much more energy and motivation you have to get done what else needs to be done.
Note: For some people, scrolling through social media or watching Netflix is actually part of their self-care. That is okay! Just make sure you are being intentional about the time you are spending in front of a screen, and be sure that if you are including it in your self-care, it is actually renewing you.
Self-care for different situations
While re-purposing unneeded screen-time can help you make more time for self-care, it can still be difficult to juggle everything that needs to get done throughout the day and carve out intentional time for nourishing, restoring, and reconnecting with yourself. The good news is, self-care doesn’t just mean spending an hour doing at-home yoga or meditation! It is possible to do some self-care at work, while parenting, while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. Here are some things you can do in every-day situations to care for yourself:
Practice being mindful
Listen to music that inspires you
Go outside
Try doing some yoga at your desk (here’s a great video for that)
Eat a snack (something that nourishes you – you decide what this means)
Organize your physical space
Look for something new to learn
Stretch
Make an effort to talk with someone around you (connection can be so revitalizing!)
Laugh
Practice communicating your needs and setting healthy boundaries (with your children, co-workers, roommates, etc.)
Self-care looks different for everyone, so get creative with this one. What do YOU need to recharge? Think outside the box!
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A little goes a long way
You don’t have to spend hours every day doing self-care in order to reap its many benefits. Taking even just 10 minutes a day to intentionally nourish, restore, and re-connect can help you find balance and a more whole and complete health in every aspect of your life. In particular, taking a little time to care for yourself will go a long way in your relationships. The more you work to fill your emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/etc. well, the more YOU there will be to give and share with those you love. The key is to find what forms of self-care are particularly relevant and effective for you. If you aren’t sure what those are, try some of the suggestions from “Self-Care Bully” Reva Cook at the tail end of her HHP guest post here. Start with just a little bit of personalized self-care a day, and watch your capacity for connection and giving increase ten-fold.
I know that making time for yourself can be hard – especially in today’s world. But in order for you to not just survive, but THRIVE in your life and in your relationships, daily self-care is critical. So for all you busy humans out there, stop with the excuses! Make time for self-care because you (and everyone you love) are worth it.
This week, replace 10 minutes a day of screen-time with self-care time.
Mills, J., Wand, T., & Fraser, J. A. (2018). Exploring the meaning and practice of self-care among palliative care nurses and doctors: a qualitative study. BMC palliative care, 17(1), 63. doi:10.1186/s12904-018-0318-0
Stockwell, Angie. (2017). Effectiveness of Self-Care in Reducing Symptoms of Secondary Traumatic Stress. Retrieved from Sophia, the St. Catherine University repository website: https://sophia.stkate.edu/msw_papers/797
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Keto. Intermittent Fasting. Whole 30. Low-carb. Vegan. Weight Watchers. Juice fasts. Clean Eating. There is no end to the variety of diets that are competing for your attention when it comes to your weight and health. Many of them tout guidelines and science-backed principles that openly conflict with one another. While they differ in some ways, all diets come back to the same principle of restriction. They require meticulous counting and measuring, eradication of certain food groups, as well as other rules and regulations to guide the eating experience. Add that to all of the social expectations about how your body “should look” and it is no wonder that so much of our time and energy is consumed by dieting and body thoughts. Registered dietician Christy Harrison aptly calls dieting “the life thief”. (Harrison, 2017)
At its core, the idea of dieting for the purpose of improving one’s health seems harmless. However, contrary to what the diet and fitness industry is telling us, studies show that dieting has a 90-95% failure rate. (Grodstein, et al., 1996) An additional study also documented that dieting as a result of weight stigma poses a significant threat to psychological and physical health and presents significant risk factors for depression, low-self esteem, and body dissatisfaction. (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008)
The more you diet, the more your confidence and self-trust gradually erodes.
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In 1995, two registered dieticians published a new book, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch were working independently but had both noticed that no matter what they did to help their clients lose weight and keep it off their clients kept coming back, filled with guilt and shame, having regained the weight. They realized that dieting was not working and they decided to dive deep into the data. What resulted from their research were the life-changing principles that are found in their book. Now they teach about the importance of rejecting the diet mentality and making peace with food. They teach how to cope with your emotions without using food and learn to respect your body and find joy in movement and exercise. (Tribole, & Resch, 2019)
But intuitive eating is so much more than a new “plan.” At its core, Intuitive Eating is about taking your power back. It’s about learning to trust your natural instincts and to ignore all the different outside messages telling you who you need to be, what you need to look like, how much you should weigh, what you can eat, when you can eat it, how much of it you can eat, etc.. Intuitive eating is about tuning in to your body and re-learning how to trust and truly take care of yourself. It is about finding pleasure and satisfaction in food again while living your most fulfilling life, free of the shame and guilt that often accompanies dieting.
There is a large misconception that when we let go of all the diet rules and practice intuitive eating that we are “letting ourselves go.” This could not be more opposite from the truth. When you truly give yourself permission to eat and to rely on your body’s signals of hunger, fullness, and satiety, you are allowing yourself to be! You are giving yourself permission to take up space and to live a purposeful life without measuring your worth by the number of calories you consume or whether or not you were able to achieve ketosis. Eating intuitively requires that you are present in your life and are aware of your emotions and thoughts surrounding food. The more you come to know and value your own inner voice, the more you will learn to give your body what it truly needs, whether that be cake or kale. Many people I have worked with have been surprised at what happens when they begin to trust themselves. While they originally thought that they would end up living off a diet of candy and chips, they learned that when they took the time to listen to their body their body provided them with cravings for a variety of nutrients and foods. In my opinion, learning to listen to and trust your body with food is one of the most powerful and effective means of self-care.
If you have spent a good part of your life on a diet, it may feel really intimidating to dive into intuitive eating. But know this: unlike a diet, you cannot fail at intuitive eating! (Tribole, & Resch, 1995) It is all a learning process and it looks different for every person. Your journey will be different, but even moments of cleaning out an entire carton of ice cream in one sitting can provide an opportunity to check in and reconnect with yourself.
Here are some steps that you can take towards learning how to trust your own intuition with food and make peace with your body:
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1. Learn to ask questions
We have been sold a lot of ideas about health and wellness that at first glance may seem like good things. But it is important to ask yourself questions like, “Who decided that _____ is the way that we should all look?” “Who benefits from me buying that product/participating in that diet?” “Why do I believe that changing my body in this way will allow me to feel ____? Is that true?” You can also use this tool to help you as you navigate intuitive eating and re-learn what your body needs, what foods truly taste good to you, what type of exercise and movement brings you joy.
2. Get rid of external measuring sticks
Have you ever watched a young child eat? When you were a toddler, you ate when you were hungry and you stopped when you were full. You found joy and satisfaction in food. Your body was created and developed from a small group of cells into a full human infant without any kind of external influence. Your body still has every system and regulator it needs to continue to help you thrive and grow. The problem is that we have learned to ignore those internal regulating systems and intuition and instead rely on food pyramids, fitness trackers, and scales to tell us what, when, and how we should be eating. Go back to the basics, learn to trust yourself by how you feel and experience food. You are your own best measuring stick.
3. Practice self-acceptance
Have you ever told yourself “I’ve got to work off that extra cookie I ate last night” or “As soon as I am ___ lbs, then it will be easier to love myself.” Punishing yourself out of disgust or waiting until a future day to love yourself are rooted in the idea of fear. Fear that you won’t be accepted by others as you are, fear of gaining weight, or fear of not measuring up to our own self-inflicted standards. The antidote to fear is love, but proclaiming “I love my body and I love myself” can sometimes be a hard jump for some people. The small starting step is to practice acceptance for who you are at this moment and recognize that nothing is going to change your body in that instant. Don’t allow the ever-fluid future to rob you of the beauty happening in your life today. Start living and experiencing the life you are waiting for right now!
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4. Give yourself grace
Starting something new can be hard. Unlearning years of diet lies and gimmicks can be especially tricky. It is most definitely a process that takes a lot of time and intention and you can’t measure or compare your journey to anyone else’s. Each day you will need to give yourself grace and be curious instead of critical. Give yourself permission to feel sad or angry at the lies that you have been sold about your body. Offer kindness and patience to yourself as you navigate learning how to trust yourself again. We are often so much more charitable to those around us than we are to ourselves but in the end, one of the most important relationships we have is with ourselves and investing in self-kindness and self-compassion is key.
5. Read the book Intuitive Eating
Intuitive eating has become somewhat of a buzzword in the social media community. While it is incredible and exciting that it is finally getting the attention it deserves, there are many sources that claim to be intuitive eating focused while still holding on to dangerous aspects of diet culture. Go to the original source! If you have spent part of your life caught up in diet culture and experiencing poor body image, implementing the principles from that book has the power to help you make peace with food and your body and has the potential to ultimately change your life.
This week, spend at least one meal eating mindfully. Before you take your first bite, notice the smell and look of your food. Anticipate what it will taste like. As you tuck in, chew slowly. Notice the texture and feel of the food. Really relish in the taste. Eating in this mindful way can help you be more in-tune with the needs and desires of your body. Be sure to pay attention to when you feel full!
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., & Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. & Brownell, K. D. (2008). Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35
One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that it is a vicious cycle – once the worry begins, it can be difficult to get your brain to stop, particularly if you aren’t aware of what is triggering the stress. Luckily, there are quite a few simple research-proven tricks that you can do every day to help calm down your racing brain, and stop the worry cycle. And the best part is, most of them don’t need any sort of special equipment or training, and you can do them almost anywhere!
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is defined as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994) Because anxiety often stems from worrying about the future or the unknown, focusing on the present moment non-judgmentally by practicing mindfulness can help reduce the anxiety that you experience from day-to-day (Davis & Hayes, 2012; Evans, et. al, 2008; Hoffman, Sawyer, Witt, & Oh, 2010).
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There are several different ways that you can practice mindfulness in your life. Here are just a few for you to try:
Grounding exercises: Grounding exercises are an excellent way to help bring yourself into the present and keep your thoughts and anxiety from spinning out of control. These exercises involve honing in on one or more of the five senses to help take your focus off of the future and the unknown, and bring it back to the present. For example, if you notice yourself feeling anxious, take a few minutes to hyper-focus in on what you hear in that moment – your own breath, the rustling of your clothes, the air conditioning, someone talking in the cubicle next to you, etc. The same goes for any of the other senses. You can choose to focus on just one sense or multiple. As you practice these grounding exercises, they will help switch your brain out of panic mode, and into the present.
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Deep Breathing: Connecting to your breath is another quick and easy way to pull your mind out of anxiety and into the present moment. Breathing slowly and deeply signals to your brain to relax, and restores a sense of control and peace to your entire body. If you find yourself feeling anxious, try taking even just 3-5 deep breaths. If you need a little more, try one of these breathing exercises, or one of these options here.
P.S. There are also a lot of great phone apps that you can download that focus on helping with deep breathing!
Brushing your teeth: The art of mindfulness does not come naturally or easily to everyone, but it is something we can all practice and improve. An easy way to strengthen your own mindful awareness skills is by practicing while you perform a common everyday routine such as brushing your teeth! Move slowly and thoughtfully, and pay careful attention to the sensations. How does it feel as the bristles of the toothbrush move across your teeth, mouth, and tongue? What does the toothpaste taste like? Try to focus solely on the moment, and what you are experiencing right now. If you find your thoughts starting to wander, don’t panic! Just gently direct them back to thinking about brushing your teeth. The more you practice this, the easier it will get. You can also try this exercise with washing your hair, or eating your breakfast.
Set aside designated worry time
While it may sound counterintuitive, research has actually shown that setting aside a designated time to feel worried can reduce overall anxiety (Borkovec, Wilkinson, Folensbee, & Lerman, 1983; Mcgowan & Behar, 2013)! The idea is that setting aside time to think about your worries can help you train your brain to control how often and when you worry. This way, when you are trying to sleep, work, engage with loved ones, etc. you can calm your mind and put a stop to the anxiety cycle before it spirals out of control. Here’s how it works (adapted from Kim Pratt’s Psychology Tools: Schedule “Worry Time”):
Schedule between 15-30 minutes each day for one week as your designated “worry time”. Put it in your calendar or set an alarm to help remind you.
During your designated worry time, write down all of your worries that you can think of. Don’t feel like you have to solve them during this time. When your worry time is up, put your list away and move on with the rest of your day.
Between worry times: if you start to worry, tell yourself to let go of those thoughts until the next designated worry period. Don’t get frustrated if this is difficult at first. You may need to remind yourself over and over to let go of your worries until it’s your worry time.
At the end of the week, consider reviewing what you wrote down over the course of that week and reflect on what you see. Noticing patterns or repeat worries can help you prioritize and better address what is causing you to worry.
Repeat. Start again at the beginning of a new week! The more you practice, the better you will get at controlling when and where you worry. You can even reduce your amount of designated worry time as you improve.
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Giving voice to your emotions
Acknowledging the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing is an important way to allow them to move through you rather than hold you back as you keep them bottled up inside. One of the ways to do this is through journaling. Keeping a journal that acts as a place where you can openly and freely express your thoughts and emotions is a great way to process the worries that you are experiencing. Sometimes writing it down will be all it takes for you to feel better about a problem. Journaling can also help you keep track of things that trigger your anxiety. Understanding how your worry works can be a key to helping you learn how to manage it better!
While journaling can help you process your emotions and anxiety, it can also be really helpful to verbally acknowledge your feelings and talk with someone about what you are experiencing. Find a trusted friend or family member that you feel like you can talk to! Sometimes just saying what you are feeling can be a release, and can help you start on a path to healing. Sharing experiences also creates opportunity for empathy, for learning, and for mutual understanding. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open up to someone can also present opportunities for you to get the help you need to get through the tough days.
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Be aware that while friends and family are excellent resources, sometimes you need a little more guidance. A professional counselor or therapist can help you further process your anxiety, and give you more tools to help you manage it. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about seeing someone who has been trained for this specific purpose (read hereto learn more about why everyone needs therapy in their life)!
Remember
It’s important to acknowledge that even if you practice all of these techniques, you may still struggle with managing your anxiety. THAT IS OKAY. Be patient with yourself. As you learn to use the resources that are available to you, you will be able to manage the difficulties that life throws at you. Take it a day at a time, and focus on the present, and always remember that you are not alone.
Pick one of these anxiety-busting tricks to try out this week, and share with us how it works for you!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Over the past few years, mental health is something that has been discussed more and more openly; something that I believe is incredibly important, and worthy of celebration. There is still a lot of work to be done, however, on educating the general population about various mental illnesses, and on working to get rid of the stigma that has long surrounded the topic. That is why today, I would like to give some general information about clinical depression. I hope that knowing this information will empower you to better manage your own mental and emotional health, and will also help you recognize when those around you may be in need of some extra love, care, and help.
Here are five things you need to know about depression:
1. Depression doesn’t just mean feeling sad.
Depression is a real illness that can affect people in many different ways. While feeling sad, or having a “depressed mood” is a very common symptom, depression can also cause loss of interest in activities that normally bring you pleasure, appetite changes, issues with sleep, lack of energy or sluggishness, nervous ticks or restless activity, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, trouble concentrating, and suicidal thoughts. For me personally, depression makes me feel very tired, worthless, and apathetic towards pretty much everything. It’s not something that I can just pull myself out of or “get over”.
You need to have been experiencing symptoms of depression for 2 weeks to be diagnosed.
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It’s important to acknowledge that we all experience times of sadness in our lives. The death of a loved one, losing a job, or a difficult breakup will of course bring sadness and grief. These emotions are natural, and even a healthy part of healing. However, just because we are going through a time of difficulty does not mean that we are depressed. There are a few important distinctions outlined by the American Psychiatric Association that can help us determine if we are experiencing normal grief, or if we need to seek help and treatment for depression:
“In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.”
“In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.”
For some people, traumatic life events can bring on both grief and depression. “When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression.”
Here is a quick little 3-minute survey that can help you determine whether or not you are experiencing depression.
2. Depression can affect anyone.
This instagram campaign from 2017 #faceofdepression shows that people of all ages, races, nationalities, and backgrounds can experience depression. According to the World Health Organization, 300 million people around the world have depression, and the APA estimates that one in six people will experience depression at some point during their lifetime. There has also been a recent increase in depression among adolescents. Having money or fame, getting good grades in school, or being married or in a relationship do not make you immune. If you find yourself suffering from depression, know that you are not alone and that you are in good company (if you don’t believe me, check out this WebMD slideshow of famous people with depression that includes JK Rowling, Kristen Bell, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson).
3. Depression can be caused by a variety of things.
While depression can be triggered by many different things, there are a few factors that can make you more likely to experience depression.
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Brain Chemistry: Chemical imbalances in the brain can cause depression.
Genetics: If someone in your family suffers from depression, you are more likely to experience it as well.
Health Problems: Depression can sometimes be a side-effect of other health problems such as thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies, or hormone imbalances. If you are experiencing depression, it is important to get checked for these other problems so that they can be treated (this will often help with the depression symptoms).
Personality: People who struggle with low self-esteem, who are dealing with stress, or who are generally more pessimistic are more likely to experience depression.
Trauma: Abuse, neglect, and other traumatic or life-altering experiences can make you more susceptible to depression.
Sex: Women are actually more likely to experience depression than men.
4. Depression doesn’t have to win.
If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, there is hope! Depression is actually a very treatable disorder, and according to the APA, “between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression eventually respond well to treatment”. There are many different resources and options for dealing with depression, the most effective usually being a combination of talk therapy and medication. The first step in getting help would be to talk to your doctor. They can help recommend treatment options and refer you to other mental health resources in your area. Other important things that you can do to help beat depression are exercise, getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and taking time for self-care.
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5. When in doubt, reach out!
If you are unsure whether or not the symptoms you are experiencing are actual diagnosable depression, it is always best to reach out for help. Talk with a doctor, partner, or trusted friend or family member, and let them know you are struggling. The more we get comfortable talking about depression (and other mental illnesses), the less scary or daunting it will seem, and the more people we will empower to get the help they need!
This week, share your favorite thing you learned about depression from this article on social media. Let’s spread the word and stop the stigma!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
This week, we’re breaking a habit! Instead of “reacting” impulsively to difficult situations, practice pausing and “responding.” Print out this free download for some reminders to post around your home or workspace, or create your own reminder. (Free download photos by Gary Barnes; designed by the author).
