For years I had felt a quiet impression that I needed to look into my family history. I’d do a bit here and there, filling in missing gaps and such on the family tree, but not much beyond that. I thought I was doing my part, thinking that as long as the names and dates are there, we’re good. The thing is, family history isn’t just about filling in gaps in a family tree—though that is a part of it.
The real joy for me came when I began reading my ancestors’ stories and really getting to know them. That’s how I first learned about Grace.
Grace is my great-great-grandmother on my mom’s side. She had four children with her husband, an engineer who designed and paved roads both in the United States and abroad. That’s the basic story, and what I had known before. But life is, of course, far more complex and far deeper than two sentences can describe. When I dove deeper into her story, it ended up changing my life.
According to second-hand accounts obtained from user-submitted stories on genealogy websites as well as some information from family members, Grace and her husband met as teenagers and she was smitten. Against her parents’ wishes, they married in 1909 when Grace was 18 years old.
Years later, shortly after their fourth child was born, her husband ended up in Utah, where he designed the roads that went through some of the National Parks in the state. While his family was back at home, her husband fell for a young woman (25 years his junior) who worked as a waitress and played in an orchestra associated with the national park. James left his family and ran off with this young woman, leaving Grace to raise their four children alone.
I immediately saw the connection to my own life and my relationships.
While I have never been married nor raised children alone, my experience with unhealthy relationships and betrayal trauma lead me to believe that Grace surely experienced a degree of both of those. Those are things I understand. And from those things, I can also assume that his betrayal and abandonment didn’t just happen overnight—there were surely red flags that led to them.
Was I continuing to ignore red flags in my own life, perpetuating this cycle of unhealthy relationships?
It was only after learning Grace’s story that I realized this is a generational issue in my family, and I have the power to break that cycle.
The Research
I thought that doing family history work benefited my deceased family members as I sought to remember and record their lives. I had no idea I would find myself in their stories, and that they would influence my own life in such a monumental way.
When interviewed by CNN, author A.J. Jacobs shared the benefits of teaching children (and I’d also add adults) about their family stories: “What children learn when they hear about their past— both the good and the bad… is primarily that they can chart their own course and don’t have to follow the path of what their less-than-stellar ancestors did. They also learn that they are part of something bigger than themselves.”
The article cited research to back this up: a study by Emory University found that “Family stories provide a sense of identity through time, and help children understand who they are in the world.”
Discovering this family story helped me feel part of something bigger than myself, and gave me a sense of identity greater than I had felt previously. Feeling that connection to my great grandmother through similar traumas helped me see my own strength, both in my trauma recovery and in my ability to change unhealthy relationship patterns in my life.
The Emory University study also found additional unexpected benefits of studying family history: Teens who learned more stories about their extended family showed “higher levels of emotional well-being, and also higher levels of identity achievement, even when controlling for general level of family functioning.”
In Ancestry.com’s 2014 global study of over 6,000 Ancestry users, 67% said that “knowing their family history has made them feel wiser as a person.” Additionally, 72% said it “helped them feel closer to older relatives.” (This study was cited in a blog by the New York Public Library entitled “20 Reasons Why You Should Write Your Family History,” which is also a great read). Learning about ancestors clearly has benefits that reach far beyond basic knowledge of the past.
How to Start
A few months ago, I read an idea on an Instagram account (I’m pretty sure it was on @thelisteningearproject, though I could be mistaken) to specifically ask all living grandparents, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” After recording their answers, you could then go and do those things in their place, sharing your memories with them. I decided to finally ask this question when I was home for the holidays this year. While I may not be able to actually complete the unfulfilled dreams of my grandparents (some answers included to go to nursing school, travel to Israel, and buy a horse and ride into the mountains), the prompt opened up new conversations and understanding of my grandparents’ lives. Even my parents were unaware of these parts of my grandparents’ lives. And hey, maybe someday I’ll go to Israel and share that experience with my grandma!
If you want to start asking family members questions and recording their answers (either by writing it down, or recording their voices, which will be so meaningful in and of itself), here is a great list of questions to start with.
One of my favorite lines from the New York Times article is one I’d like to end this article with: “[Culture] comes from lived experience, traditions and stories passed down, from actual people who shape our perceptions of the world.” When we get past the names and dates, we can discover our family, and discover ourselves.
Option #1: Ask a living grandparent the question, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” Record their answer.
Option #2: Create a free account on familysearch.org. Learn something new about your family tree.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Last year, the New York Times published a beautiful piece (“Why You Should Dig Up Your Family’s History — and How to Do It”) with a practical guide to getting started. Family Search also has a great article, “How Family Stories Shape Our Identities.” Head on over their website to learn more. You can also get a free Family Search account to fill in your family tree, connect it to others’ trees, and read/share family stories.
Option #1: Ask a living grandparent the question, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” Record their answer.