Though Valentine’s Day is a day to share and express love to significant others, it also carries the obligation for romance and gift-giving which can be stressful, particularly to men (Otnes, et al., 1994). Gift-giving is symbolic. Gifts are representations of the emotions and meanings we attach to our relationships and the people we share them with (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011). The awareness of this symbolism (even if subconscious) combined with the obligation surrounding Valentine’s Day, can increase the pressure.
Why the anxiety?
Questions of whether gifts are sufficient, significant and meaningful enough actually call into question our sense of identity. Believe it or not, when we give gifts, we are outwardly expressing our identities. In fact, studies have shown that people buy gifts that are congruent with their identity, and when they buy gifts contrary to that representation, even mildly (like a gift on someone’s registry), they experience anxiety and question their sense of identity security. This is why we experience stress around gift-giving (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011).
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Naturally, the gift-receiver experiences anxiety when a gift from someone doesn’t match their identity. Receivers of gifts are expected to be polite and accepting. Gifts are generally a representation of what someone thinks of us. When we receive a gift that is an identity mismatch, we question why the giver gave us that particular gift, usually subconsciously (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011, Ruffle, 1999). Receiving gifts is emotional: while surprise and joy are examples of the ideal, pride, embarrassment or disappointment are also emotions receivers may have to navigate (Ruffle, 1999).
But gifts are still important, so…
Having said all of this, gifts are also a lot of fun and can be incredibly meaningful. Gifts are a manifestation of intimacy, and receiving gifts that depict that furthers a sense of connection and intimacy with partners (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011 & Otnes, et al., 1994). Here are a few simple ways to lessen the pressure around Valentine’s Day gifts.
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1. Simple is often better. Don’t worry about making things extravagant. The thought behind a gift is often more important than the gift itself.
2. Stick to a budget but balance that with sacrifice. People report that gifts a person sacrificed for (not in money necessarily but through time or in the form of service) can be particularly meaningful (Otnes, et al., 1994, Ruffle, 1999). It’s okay to be low-cost, but don’t be cheap. I don’t just mean cheap in terms of dollar signs, but in terms of time and thought. It’s always obvious when someone didn’t put thought into what is supposed to be a meaningful gift.
3. Valentine’s Day is the day to be sentimental and representational, so think about favorite memories or qualities you love about your significant other. Symbols of your relationship are particularly meaningful, dare I even say romantic. Like I said, these things can be simple. If my husband bought me a sleeve of Maria’s cookies and a 2 liter of grape soda and took me to a park to look at the stars or watch fireworks, that wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it would be very special to me.
4. Include self-gifts in your plans (Otnes, 1994). This doesn’t mean be selfish. Planning activities and food you both enjoy can take the pressure off of activities. This principle, not just romance, is part of why couples enjoy sex as a common part of Valentine’s Day festivities (Otnes et al., 1994).
5. If you know that Valentine’s Day or gift-giving creates stress for your partner, give them ideas. Be specific about what you do and don’t want.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy connecting!
Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.
References
Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509–527. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x
Otnes, C., Ruth J.A., & Milbourne, C.C. (1994). “The Pleasure and Pain of Being Close: Men’s Mixed Feelings About Participation in Valentine’s Day Gift Exchange”, in NA – Advances in Consumer Research Volume 21, eds. Chris T. Allen and Deborah Roedder John, Provo, UT: Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 159-164.
Ruffle, B. J. (1999). Gift giving with emotions. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 39(4), 399–420. https://doi-10.1016/s0167-2681(99)00048-7
Ward, M. K., & Broniarczyk, S. M. (2011). It’s Not Me, It’s You: How Gift Giving Creates Giver Identity Threat as a Function of Social Closeness. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(1), 164–181. https://doi-10.1086/658166
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!
What is the Reality Phase?
Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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So what is love?
You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.
What’s next?
I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.
How?
Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
We all want to connect and show our significant others that we love them. However, because men are biologically, socially and sexually different than women (Hsu, 2012; Barlow, 1995; Fisher, 2002), sometimes it can be tricky for us to spot when our loved one is trying to show us love. Ultimately, in a marriage or serious relationship men and women have the same basic goal to connect, and understanding that men love differently than women is important to feeling, expressing, and receiving love. Often it seems that men are sincerely trying to be engaged, loving partners and women become frustrated with their efforts, misunderstanding what is actually being communicated. By discussing some of the different ways that men give and receive love, I’m hoping to help the ladies be more aware of the ways in which their man could be reaching out to them. We are far more alike than we are different, and we can work to learn how to recognize when our significant other is asking to connect with us.
The small things
One of the ways that men often show that they care is through small gestures such as buying lunch for his wife, doing the dishes, or getting up with the kids. Sometimes women misunderstand that when a man is doing these seemingly small things, that is his way of telling his wife, “I love and cherish you”. Understand that there are times that as men we need to spill our guts a little bit and open up emotionally, but it is hard for us to do this. Men have been enculturated by media, parenting, and other means to be taught that danger, callous acts, and aggression are masculine, and that emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness. (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). Sometimes a simple, “wow, you look amazing,” is all we have the emotional capacity to share. Other times we will open up and explain how our day went and how we are feeling. If you are craving those emotional attachments, take advantage of moments like these. Ask good questions, and validate the emotions we do express. When women shut down the emotions men do express, it is a form of rejection, and men will become more closed off and emotionally unavailable as a result. Often a man will say something along the lines of “nothing” or “I’m fine.” When this happens, don’t give up (but try not to be too pushy either). Try suggesting something to him such as going out to eat or even just going on a walk together. When you have him alone, just listen to him. There have been several times when I have been frustrated with something and my wife and I go on a walk, and incredibly I open up more than I ever intended.
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Physicality
Men are naturally physical creatures. As boys we push, punch, and wrestle each other. This is not us being mean, but rather how we connect with our peer group (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). This need for physical connection and interaction doesn’t change when boys grow up to be men. The thing that absolutely changes is that men aren’t pushing and shoving their spouse. Instead, they might kiss their neck, give a bear hug, or want to make love. Men often need to connect physically before they are able to connect on a deep emotional level (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Furthermore, men and women perceive and interpret the same stimuli differently due to many cognitive and biological factors. What turns you on will most likely be different than what excites your spouse.
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Although preferences may vary, what it comes down to is that both men and women need and want intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through sexual intimacy (being invited to engage sexually helps men feel more emotionally connected), and women pursue sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy (feeling wanted and emotionally safe helps women feel more open to engaging sexually). These are complementary, not oppositional (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). Understand too, that beyond sexual satisfaction, orgasm can produce feelings of joy and relaxation, fostering both physical and psychological health. Sexual intimacy between two committed partners contributes to fostering bonding, closeness, and attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). I encourage you to be more intentional about the physical affection that you show your husband. And don’t feel like this just means that you have to have sex all the time. Even though sexual intimacy is very important, men need different forms of affection as well (Yes, I said men need affection! In fact, men need affection just as much as women do (Hsu, 2012). Little physical acts like kissing a man’s neck or rubbing his shoulders or feet are also great for helping him know that you love and appreciate him.
Side by Side
American men and women define emotional closeness differently, with women valuing intimacy as face to face communication, while men define emotional intimacy as doing something side by side (Fisher, et al., 2002). Last night I bought my wife a small bouquet of flowers I arranged myself, took her to a movie and back where we spent one of our first dates as an engaged couple. We then went home and made pizza, something we both love to do together. I could see in her eyes that she loved it and was very grateful. At the end of the date, I told my wife that she was amazing and that I felt happy when I was around her. That one simple phrase seemed to almost make more of a difference then what I had planned. I had spoken to the emotional side of her and connected to her and her emotional needs. In the same stroke, my wife really did love the date. It was my way of nonverbally saying that I love her and am happy when I am with her. Finding ways to connect while spending time doing something side by side helps foster connection, commitment, and affection, especially for men (Fisher, et al., 2002; Hsu, 2012).
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You love your big brute and he loves you. Understand that he might be expressing his emotions to you in ways you are missing. Find those little things that he is doing and try to see what he is really saying underneath it all. Show him affection and gratitude when he reaches out with those little acts of love. People respond better to positive reinforcement or praise as opposed to negativity. If you work on noticing and complimenting those acts of love, he will likely do those kind things more often because you are positively reinforcing him rather than rejecting his efforts as insufficient. Lastly, try to show him that you love him through his need for physicality. This doesn’t always have to mean sex (though that’s definitely a good option!). It can be as simple as kissing him on the neck or shoulder.
1. Find emotional or physical ways to address your partner’s specific needs.
2. Find an opportunity for you and your spouse to have a vulnerable, validating conversation one-on-one.
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “good-enough sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Mosher, D. L., & Tomkins, S. S. (1988). Scripting the macho man: Hypermasculine socialization and enculturation. Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 60-84. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498809551445
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Heads up – this article was written to benefit adults. What I am about to tell you is academic information about sex, and I have not sugar-coated it. This is helpful and important information, but it may need to be reframed to be more appropriate for children/youth education.
When you were an adolescent, sitting in sex ed class had a completely different purpose than what I want to teach you. This is adult sex ed – what you need to know now that you’re a grown up with sexual needs who has graduated to a bigger bed (and hopefully a hot spouse to go with it!).
1. The “good enough” sex model.
Thanks to the porn industry, media, poor sex education and high school locker rooms, many adults (and adolescents too) think that sexual compatibility is a must for a relationship checklist. And to be sexually compatible, they must be having mind-blowing sex all the time. False. According to a study done in 2007, couples reporting extremely high levels of sexual satisfaction report that they have average to good sex 40-60% of the time, and exceptional sex only 20-25% of the time. And guess what? Even happily married couples report having unsatisfactory or even dysfunctional sex sometimes (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But it doesn’t matter because, for the committed couple, sex isn’t about the orgasm (as great as that is) so much as connecting with your partner. That’s why it’s called intimacy.
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2. Having an orgasm and being sexually satisfied are not the same things.
Most couples including men reported that having an orgasm was not always necessary to be able to be sexually satisfied (Basson, 2000; Georgiadis & Kringelbach, 2012). So chill out. You don’t need to be a sex god or goddess. Because news flash – it isn’t about you. It’s about the relationship. And if sex doesn’t play out the way you want every time, it doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. It means you’re human. Having said that, if there is a pattern of dysfunctional or unsatisfying sex, communicate with your partner about the needs each of you has and how you can better meet those needs. If there continue to be problems, consult a therapist or physician.
3. Men and women need sex for biologically different reasons.
Though men and women seek sexual satisfaction differently and have different expectations surrounding sex, they seek the same benefits from intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through physical means, while women tend to pursue sexual intimacy through physical means and seek emotional intimacy in other ways. While this sounds oppositional, it is, in fact, complementary (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Men often use physical means to be able to connect emotionally and women often need to connect emotionally to be able to connect physically (Barlow, 1995). Also bear in mind that women focus on feeling attractive and wanted, while men focus on being “invited” to engage sexually. Men’s sexual confidence lies in functionality, while women’s lies around trust and emotional connection and safety. Again, these are complementary, include much overlap, and evolve over time (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). So ladies, if you are feeling sexually frustrated, make sure you’re inviting your husband to be intimate with you. Men, make sure that emotional connection is part of your intimacy.
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4. Women take longer to become fully aroused than men do.
Men are much more easily aroused than women, requiring only a few minutes to become fully aroused (Miyagawa, et al. 2007). Women take an average of 19 minutes to become fully aroused (Huberman & Chivers, 2015) and are aroused less by visual means (as men tend to be), and more by context, environment, intensity, and other senses (Fisher, et al., 2012). This is useful information! Understanding the physiology behind your partner’s arousal patterns can help you make sure that both of you are getting what you want and need out of sex. For example, remembering that your wife takes a little longer to become fully aroused and is responding to cues like the environment and context can inspire you to slow down and engage in more foreplay. You may also consider using candles, music, more talking during sex, romantic texts throughout the day, weekend getaways, etc. to increase arousal.
5. Commitment increases sexual pleasure.
Generally, healthy couples have sex for 5 reasons: 1) reproduction, 2) tension and anxiety reduction, 3) sensual enjoyment, 4) confidence, and 5) high relational closeness and satisfaction. Understanding that people have sex for a host of reasons and to fill a variety of needs develops partner congruence which aids relationship and sexual satisfaction (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But what’s really interesting (at least to me) is that those who focus on themselves during sex experience the least amount of pleasure. Those who focus on the other person experience a deeper level of pleasure. But those who focus on unity or the “us” during sex experience the deepest levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction (Mosher, 1980). Men and women in committed relationships generally report higher sexual satisfaction than those having casual sex (Birnbaum, et al., 2006).
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6. Expect the sexual relationship to change over time.
Because we as individuals change over time, and because our relationships change over time, we must also expect that our sexual patterns within that relationship will change (Basson, 2000). As life happens, what we need and want from sex is different. Because of these changes, it is crucial that couples communicate consistently about what they like, want and need in intimacy. Communication is necessary for balancing the two people in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Find a way to incorporate one or more of the above principles in a planned intimate night this week!
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/713846827
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929–943. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.929
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Georgiadis, J., & Kringelbach, M. (2012). The human sexual response cycle: Brain imaging evidence linking sex to other pleasures. Progress in Neurobiology, 98(1), 49-81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2012.05.004
Huberman, J. S., & Chivers, M. L. (2015). Examining gender specificity of sexual response with concurrent thermography and plethysmography. Psychophysiology, 52(10), 1382–1395. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/psyp.12466
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Miyagawa, Y., Tsujimura, A., Fujita, K., Matsuoka, Y., Takahashi, T., Takao, T., Takada, S., Matsumiya, K., Osaki, Y., Takasawa, M., Oku, N., Hatazawa, J., Kaneko, S., & Okuyama, A. (2007). Differential brain processing of audiovisual sexual stimuli in men: Comparative positron emission tomography study of the initiation and maintenance of penile erection during sexual arousal. NeuroImage, 36(3), 830-842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2007.03.055
Mosher, D. L. (1980). Three dimensions of depth of involvement in human sexual response1. The Journal of Sex Research, 16(1), 1-42. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498009551060
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This so called ‘newlywed crash course’ is by no means just for newlyweds! No matter where you are in your journey, this process is applicable to all and is most effective when re-examined often.
Congratulations! Your journey as Mr. and Mrs. has officially begun! As the sea of wedding presents and wrapping paper subsides, you can begin to unpack and settle into your new life together. In the coming weeks, you may begin to notice differences in what ‘baggage’ you and your partner have brought along for the journey. Sorting through this baggage – whether it be emotional, habitual, or preferential can either help or hinder your new marriage relationship. While this process of sorting and replacing baggage may be challenging, it can also be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow closer as a couple!
Sort It
Believe it or not, much of the baggage we bring to marriage has already been packed for us. Our bags are full of silly quirks, helpful and harmful habits, behaviors, values, strengths, weaknesses…etc. These items have been acquired through years of exposure to unique family dynamics, education, societal norms, and subcultures that influence how we view and interact with our world. Our suitcases, while individual, are largely made up of things we never consciously chose to pack ourselves. Because these items are formed over time, many are deeply rooted and difficult to recognize within ourselves. Often it takes another person (like a spouse) to help us identify such baggage and initiate the sorting process. This recognition and change in perspective is known as a ‘paradigm shift’ as it fundamentally ‘shifts’ the way we view ourselves and our relationships. Sorting is exactly that – a paradigm shift.
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While ‘baggage’ generally has a negative connotation, it is not inherently good or bad. Many of the traits, habits, or mannerisms are favorable but when placed in the context of the new marriage relationship, are simply incompatible. An amusing example of this occurred when my husband Cameron and I were on a road trip early in our marriage. Cameron had been driving for hours and we still had many more to go. I noticed he was starting to get tired and told him I’d drive the next leg to give him a break. He kindly shrugged it off and continued to drive the remainder of the trip despite my incessant offering to take a turn. By the time we got to our destination, it was obvious that he was exhausted and a bit irritable. I asked him why he hadn’t let me drive and he finally explained, “Cause’ I’m the man and it is the man’s job to drive!” We immediately began to laugh as we both realized how silly this sounded. Together we recognized our two divergent views (baggage) on long distance driving – one from my family culture of “everyone takes a turn”, and the other from Cameron’s family culture of “the man muscles through.” While neither view was wrong, they certainly were incompatible. Together we decided that taking turns was the safer option and road trips are much more enjoyable now!
The paradigm shift of sorting baggage best facilitates change when couples consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success. Stephen R. Covey wrote, “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart.” He drives the point home with, “Don’t push; be patient; be respectful.”
Replace It
Sorting without the action of replacing baggage is ineffective, and the way in which you choose to go about this as a couple can either make or break your marriage in a very literal sense. Researchers have discovered that the first three minutes of a marital discussion is a strong predictor of happiness in the relationship. ‘Baggage conversations’ when met with kindness and understanding are indicative of continued compatibility in marriage as your relationship grows. Similarly, when such discussions commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates.
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When a deeply ingrained habit or characteristic is uprooted, a void is created. If that void is not deliberately replaced with an agreed-upon change, couples may discover that the objectionable baggage repeatedly turns up unannounced. A conscious, consistent effort over time will forge new habits, attitudes, and values that can transform and improve future behavior, and will help the couple learn to work together as a team. There are no shortcuts to replacing baggage. This is part of the ‘hard work’ of marriage. It is a purposeful practice that should not be rushed or left unattended. As your relationship matures, new unsuspected items may appear from time to time, but your established habit of addressing them constructively, coupled with deepening trust and commitment levels, will ensure successful resolutions.
While there is growth and progress, there is no actual “arriving” on this journey. Happiness and satisfaction in your relationship are discovered and enjoyed throughout the journey of marriage as you continually meet at baggage claim.
Self-Evaluation:
Does my spouse feel safe unloading their baggage?
Am I listening to my spouse with the intent to understand?
Do I approach ‘baggage conversations’ with kindness and patience?
Do I regularly point out the positive baggage I admire in my spouse?
Do I regularly sort through my own baggage?
Am I willing to make necessary changes that will improve my marriage?
References
Covey, Stephen R. (1989) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Frisby, B. N., Sidelinger, R. J., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2015). No harm, no foul: A social exchange perspective on individual and relational outcomes associated with relational baggage. Western Journal of Communication, 79(5), 555–572. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10570314.2015.1075585
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family,60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Tramm, N. L. (2005). Claiming your baggage. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 33(4), 317–318.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.
