Guest Writers, Power Couples, Single Souls

Staying Connected in a Long-distance Romantic Relationship

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Cover Photo by Vladimir Konoplev 

Written by Annika Finley
 “What are you going to do if you meet someone while you’re in Hawaii?” asked my friend, just a couple days before I left to live there for four months. “You still have over a year left of school in Utah. What would you do?”
When my friend asked me this, I honestly had no answer. I brushed the question off and didn’t think too much about it until two months later, when I met a cute boy at a beach bonfire. We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. Talking to him was so natural, and I loved spending my time with him. A few weeks after meeting we started dating, unsure what we’d do once I left home for Utah in a couple of months.
When I left Hawaii, we thought it would be best to break up since we had no idea when we’d see each other again and since we’d only been dating for about two months. But after ending things, we couldn’t seem to stop talking. We were confused about the distance and it felt nearly impossible to see how we could make things work. This confusion and connection led us to break up and get back together a couple of times before finally deciding to be “all in,” despite the distance.
Photo by Kseniya Budko
Jumping forward in time, the cute boy is now my cute husband, and we now have many months of being in a long-distance relationship under our belt, including a couple of weeks at the beginning of our marriage.
Before my husband and I started dating remotely, I wasn’t aware of the complexities that dating from afar could entail. Whatever the type of romantic distance dating relationship you’re in — whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancé, or a husband/wife — dating from afar can bring several added challenges to your lives together. However, these challenges don’t mean the relationship needs to end.
Some might wonder, “Is virtual dating really that different from in-person dating now that we can have face-to-face conversations over the phone?” while others might feel the exact opposite, believing that long-distance is too risky and just isn’t worth it.
Research and my own experiences have taught me that dating from a distance can make things more challenging (Tower, 2016). However, strong relationships can grow and be nurtured from afar, just like they can be up close.
Photo by Askar Abayev

The challenges of distance

Long-distance relationships pose unique challenges. For example, the lack of physical touch can be difficult for couples. Physical touch helps cultivate an intense bond in romantic relationships (Chatel-Goldman et al., 2014) and transmits “a sense of being accepted and cared for” (The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 2018), so a lack of physical touch can take a toll on any relationship – even a strong one.
Dating remotely can also cause increased logistical challenges due to living in different time zones (Tower, 2016). I found that my husband and I had to be very intentional about setting aside time to spend with one another, or else it would easily become swallowed up in commitments to other things and people.
Photo by RODNAE Productions
Time differences can also require sacrifices; couples might need to change their normal schedule in order to make time for their partner, and they might miss out on social events back home. There are also costs associated with visiting each other (Tower, 2016), and these costs can add up quickly.
But distance doesn’t mean you have to feel emotionally distant from your love.
While there are struggles that can occur in long-distance relationships, they tend to lead back to the root of the problem: difficulty staying connected (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). There is no easy solution to time zones, a lack of physical touch, or the other problems that might occur due to the distance. However, when we focus on deepening our emotional relationship with our partner, we’ll find that there are ways we can stay connected to our partner, despite the miles between us.
Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA

Make it fun

If you’re anything like me, it can be easy to fall into a routine of doing the same things over FaceTime each night. Switch things up and make it fun!
One way to keep things fun and to stay connected is to take turns planning creative date nights. The Gottman Institute has found that one of the main reasons a marriage ends is because of a loss of intimacy and connection (Couples Training Institute, n.d.). Since research also shows that people may feel a difficulty staying connected to their partner when they see each other less often (Beckmeyer et al., 2021), it’s important to find ways to stay connected in your relationship so the ocean between you doesn’t make it easy for you to drift apart. Psychology Today teaches us that “regular date nights are one of the best ways to help prevent the ‘silent drift apart’ over time” that can occur between partners (Leyba, 2016).
Photo by cottonbro
If you’re having a hard time coming up with date night ideas, you can visit this website for ways to keep date night intentional and playful and this website for creative remote date night ideas.
Another way to keep things fun is to plan thoughtful surprises for each other. Some of my favorites are:
  • Have a friend who lives near your significant other drop off their favorite treat or something they’ve been craving
  • Send them snail mail. Make it feel like you’re with them by spraying it with their favorite perfume/cologne of yours
  • Text them a poem you’ve written to read first thing in the morning after waking
  • Surprise them with a romantic evening
Photo by Zen Chung

Create rituals

Daily rituals are an important part of any romantic relationship. As an article from The Gottman Institute teaches, rituals help us nurture the positive side of our relationship and help us avoid taking our relationship for granted (McFadden, 2017).
“Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in [relationships] and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your [relationship] every day.” (McFadden, 2017).
Photo by RODNAE Productions
The Gottman Institute teaches about three different rituals that prevent us from taking each other for granted: reunion rituals, times of undistracted communication, and appreciation rituals. While the article focuses on in-person relationships, these rituals, once slightly adjusted, can have a positive impact on long-distance couples as well.
For example, even when we are apart, my husband and I make sure we end each day with an appreciation ritual. We take time to share something we noticed that day that we appreciate in the other person. This ritual helped us feel connected while we were living apart and still does now that we are together.
Dating remotely requires a lot of intentional effort, just like any serious relationship does. Although virtual dating has challenges unique to the distance, researchers have found that geographically distant and close relationships have similar levels of happiness and commitment (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). When you are apart, find ways to connect, whether by having more fun, creating rituals, or something else. Being intentional about connecting with your significant other will help close the gap that separates you and your love, just like it has for me.
Photo by Arthur Ogleznev

References

Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H. (2021). Long-distance romantic relationships among college students: Prevalence, correlates, and dynamics in campus probability survey. Journal of American College Health, 1-5. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2021.1978464
Chatel-Goldman, J., Congedo, M., Jutten, C., & Schwartz, J. L. (2014). Touch increases autonomic coupling between romantic partners. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 8, 95. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2014.00095
Couples Training Institute. (n.d.) Gottman Couples & Marital Therapy. http://couplestraininginstitute.com/gottman-couples-and-marital-therapy/
Firmin, M. W., Firmin, R. L., Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 48(1), 57-71.
Leyba, E. (2016, January 17th). The 5 Active Ingredients of Date Night. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201601/the-5-active-ingredients-date-night
McFadden, P. (2017, October 11th). 3 Daily Rituals That Stop Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/
The Family Institute at Northwestern University. (2018, March 22) The Often-overlooked Importance of Physical Intimacy. https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/magic-touch
Tower, R. B. (2016, December 4th). 13 Challenges and Opportunities in Long-Distance Love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-refracted/201612/13-challenges-and-opportunities-in-long-distance-love

 

Annika Finley is from Holladay, Utah. She has a degree in Family Science from Brigham Young University, and is currently working on grad school applications. She and her husband live in Hawaii and love paddle boarding, exercising, and learning about the beautiful Hawaiian culture. Annika loves spending time with her family and always looks forward to traveling and experiencing new cultures with them. She has a passion for helping others and for being a healing influence in the world.
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Power Couples

Choosing to Love

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Cover photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees
The rush and excitement that comes from being in love is nothing short of euphoric. The only way to describe it? Heaven on earth. But contrary to popular belief heaven is not found, it is made.  In America, we use the phrase falling in love to describe the act of loving, but as John and Julie Gottman explain in their book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, “Happily ever after is not by chance. It’s by choice” (Gottman, et. al, 2019). 
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
While choosing in love instead of falling in love may not sound as romantic, it is certainly more reliable. If a person were liable to fall out of love as quickly as they fell in it, marriage would be nothing more than a temporary arrangement, a fragile compromise based on feelings of ecstasy and novelty which new romance provides but cannot maintain. No love, no matter how fierce, can survive that. For love to be maintained it must be fostered, nourished, and expanded on a daily basis. 
Said Susan Lyman-Whitney in an article published in the Deseret News, “A second paradigm is ripping through our culture like wildfire—if you don’t feel the love anymore, then why stick around? As a therapist, I hear it all the time: “We just fell out of love.” While love (the noun) may initially bring two people together, it is love (the verb) that makes it last” (Lyman, 1995).
What does love the verb look like? While there is certainly no end to the amount of marriage and love advice out there, here are just eight of the ways to choose love on a daily basis that will bring to pass the kind of happily ever after that couples yearn for.
Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels

1. Pay attention to bids.

Humans are creatures of connection. Bids for love and affection come in many forms, if we learn to pay attention. They can be as simple as a touch, laughter at a joke, a knowing look, or a pat on the shoulder. If your partner is telling you a story, look them in the eyes and give them your undivided attention. Ask them how their day went and then look for cues about how they really feel. Show them that you really care by being ever-present and anxiously concerned about their wellbeing. If they are hurting, find ways to show empathy. If they are excited, find joy in their joy. When they need love, do not hesitate to fill that need for them (Hildebrand, 2020).

2. Choose to be kind, patient, and forgiving.

Social scientists have found that successful marriage comes down to a few key attributes. Although it may surprise you, kindness takes the lead for the most important factor in any successful marriage. Not far behind come the vital characteristics of patience and forgiveness. That is to say that when we choose in love, we must also choose to give the benefit of the doubt, to look past weak moments and to love in spite of ourselves. Just as doctors treat patients when they are sick and injured, we must treat frailties of the ones we love with patience, realizing that at times the cure they so desperately need is love and kindness (Smith, 2020). 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

3. Accentuate the good and downplay the bad.

So much of life has to do with our perspective. There are no flawless soulmates, however, as beauticians know, beauty is not found in perfection but rather in the accentuation of positive attributes. Besides that, there is beauty in the resilience that is born of failure. When a child is learning to walk, we do not criticize them for falling, we praise them for getting back up and trying again. Gottman put it this way in his interview with Atlantic: “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have, which is this: They are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes (Smith, 2020).
Photo by Migs Reyes from Pexels

4. Practice the principle of lived invitation.

How then, we think, can we ever help our spouses to improve in this life if all we ever do is point out what they are doing right? The principle of lived invitation beckons us to lead by example as we strive to master ourselves first. When a person tells their spouse to live a healthier life, they may feel criticized and hurt, and struggle knowing how to improve. A better tactic would be to live a healthy lifestyle, in which case a spouse will see the desired benefits and know exactly how to follow suit. If the desire to do the same is not inherent, it is not likely that criticism will push them in that direction anyway. If, on rare occasion, criticism is needed, it should be done in private, along with an offer of support and commitment to uphold the same standard of living (Marks, et al. 2016).
Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

5. Focus on filling their needs and your needs will be filled.

When we show love to our spouse, they will likely reciprocate our actions and we will also feel the joy that comes from giving, one of the sweetest aspects of romance. The ideal relationships occur when both individuals make the wellbeing of their spouse their highest priority (Hildebrand, 2020).

6. Continue courting one another after marriage.

Don’t stop dating one another. Don’t stop flirting. Make your partner feel desired by you. Don’t stop getting to know them. Continue to make them feel special and spend time with them. Don’t stop dressing up for your spouse. Make an effort to let them know you desire them! Your spouse needs to be held and loved. They need to know that you respect them and that you admire them. They want to know that you are excited to be with them. They need to know that they are successful in their attempts to love you (Bradley, 2014).
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

7. Seek for interdependence not independence.

So much of the bliss found in relationships is found in working together towards a higher goal than self. Best-selling author Stephen Covey defines interdependence as people, “combining their efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.” Covey states that, as an interdependent person, “I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings” (Covey, 1999). People who work interdependently contribute equally so that a much larger goal is accomplished by the team than would be possible by any one team member alone. Happiness may be found in the expansion of self, but joy is found in the expansion of others, in true teamwork. 

8. Lower your expectations.

This last one may surprise you, but it is nonetheless true. Any business professional will teach you to under-promise and over-deliver. This is because when we expect perfection, we will ultimately be disappointed. If, on the other hand, we expect to love and be loved in return, we can almost always meet that expectation. 
Photo by Hian Oliveira on Unsplash
Most of the best things in life come not by chance, but by choice. Love is no exception, although the concerted effort marriage takes will last a lifetime, unlike other pursuits which come and go. For those of you who are single, I invite you to choose now to love those around you, to choose to see the best in others and to practice giving others the benefit of the doubt. And for those who are married, my invitation is to wake up every morning and choose your spouse. You chose them once, choose to remember why. You fell in love once, allow yourself to do it again, because as John Gottman (2019) put it, “Love is a choice that you make every morning when you wake up. It’s the decision to choose to cherish your partner, especially when you don’t feel like it. It’s in these times, in particular, that your partner likely needs your love the most. In truly healthy marriages, each partner wakes up in the morning, and makes the decision to purposefully practice and cultivate more love for their spouse.”

Pick one of these ways to “choose in love” this week:
– Figure out a way to serve your spouse every day, make them smile.
– Listen to understand, ask questions that let your spouse know you care about how they feel
– Find room for uninterrupted quality time together every day this week – even if it’s just 15 minutes
– Stop with the comparisons – choose your love and love your choice

References

Bradley, J. F. (2014). Courtship Must Continue After Marriage (Make Your Marriage Work, Solve Your Marital Problems, Add Spice To Your Marriage & Live A Happy Married Life) (Volume 3) (1st ed.). CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Covey, S. R. (1999). The 7 habits of highly effective people. London: Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D., & Abrams, R. C. (2019). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Workman.
Hildebrand, S., MA, LPC. (2020, September 08). How Emotional Bids Impact Your Relationship (1149530127 864440887 J. Jaspan MS, LPC, Ed.). Retrieved January 11, 2021, from https://thelightprogram.pyramidhealthcarepa.com/emotional-bids/
Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2016). Religion and Families: An Introduction (Textbooks in Family Studies) (1st ed.). Routledge.
Smith, E. E. (2020, May 12). The Secret to Love Is Just Kindness. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
Sparks, C. (2020, December 11). Top 10 Gottman Relationship Blog Posts of 2019. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/top-10-gottman-relationship-blog-posts-of-2019
Susan Lyman, S. L. (1995, June 7). The Good Marriage. Deseret News. https://www.deseret.com/1995/6/7/19216707/the-good-marriage

 

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.

 

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Power Couples

The Four Sides of Sex

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Cover photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be. 

Side 1: Physical

There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences. 
pexels-helena-lopes-2055224
Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
  1. Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
  2. Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
  3. Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most? 
  4. Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
pexels-anastasia-shuraeva-4100803
Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva from Pexels

Side 2: Emotional

Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007) 
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?). 
  1. What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together! 
giorgio-trovato-6rKkr2fh2-I-unsplash (1)
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Side 3: Spiritual

For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018) 
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
  1. What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
  2. How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
pexels-ricardo-esquivel-1868991
Photo by Ricardo Esquivel from Pexels

Side 4: Mental

Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually. 
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
pexels-emma-bauso-3585811
Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
  1. What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future? 
  2. Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex). 
  3. If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-  3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature, 19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

The Essence of Being: Using Mindfulness to Enhance Romantic Relationships

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*Cover photo by Derick Santos from Pexels

Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant. 
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present. 
couple-love-laptop-typing-4009017
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being. 
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).  It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013). As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful. 
Mindful-comic-3-1024x474
Image from https://srwc-mb.ca/mindful/
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?

How Do I Slow Down?

Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchor in the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). 
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is a practice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart? 
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Photo by fauxels from Pexels
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . .  calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated. 
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).

What Benefits Can Result?

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Photo by GUIVERG from Pexels
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact: Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). 
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts. 
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).  Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
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Photo by Andi Risam Triangga from Pexels
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship. 
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship. 
Personal Practice 1This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.

References

Greater Good Science Center. (2020, March 28). What is mindfulness? Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Milliken, C. (2015, June 13). The healing power of anchors. Retrieved from https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-healing-power-of-anchors/
Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
Richardson, D. (2011). Slow sex: The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality. Merrimac, MA: Destiny Books.
Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
Sommers, F. G. (2013). Mindfulness in love and love making: A way of life. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28, 84–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.756976
Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., … Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. US National Library of Medicine, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
Wygant, D. (2013). Social media is a romance contraceptive. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/12/30/has-facebook-ruined-love/social-media-is-a-romance-contraceptive

 

 

Chelom-600x401Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.

 

IMG_2700_Original[1]Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
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Power Couples

Stuck With Your Spouse? Keeping Love Alive During COVID-19

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Written by Rian Gordon
After you first get married, you go through an adjustment period of learning how to live with your spouse. This can be a really difficult adjustment for many couples as they may discover habits or personality traits in each other that they weren’t aware of, as little things that once seemed cute become more of an annoyance, and as more time together tends to reveal more gaps in “compatibility”. 
Many couples may find themselves experiencing this wearing off of the “honeymoon phase” all over again as they are spending more time together due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Between working from home, missing interactions with other friends, coworkers, and family, trying to balance homeschool and taking care of kids, and the general stress of life during a time of crisis, you may be feeling a little more stuck with your spouse rather than happily married to them. 
So how do you get back to that state of wedded bliss?? Is it even possible right now? While our current circumstances may present some unique challenges, there are a few practices that may help you and your spouse keep your marriage and love strong during this difficult time. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Practice Positivity

In their research on couples, John and Julie Gottman have found that for every negative interaction, happy couples are having five (or more) positive interactions with each other (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998). This ratio particularly applied to when couples were in the middle of working through a conflict, not even regular day-to-day interaction. If these happy couples were having five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during a disagreement, how many more must they be having in the everyday goings-on in their relationship? 
This practice of positivity is not something that may come naturally, but it IS something we can be more intentional about, and therefore improve. Here are two ways you can more actively invite positivity into your marriage:
  • Emotional bids: Turn towards your partner
Sending out an “emotional bid” means making an attempt at connection (Lisita, 2018). Any time our partner sends us an emotional bid, it is an opportunity for us to turn towards them by responding in a way that validates and acknowledges their attempt. According to research by the Gottmans, “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). Check out this post for more info on emotional bids, and how you can turn towards your spouse.
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Photo from pexels.com
  • Show gratitude and appreciation
Expressing gratitude is an excellent way to strengthen your marriage and increase relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Arnette, & Smith, 2011). While you are practicing social distancing together at home, look for things that you appreciate about your spouse. Are they working hard from home to provide for your family? Are they helping the kids stay focused as they tackle school from home? Do they make the bed, put the baby down for a nap, or brave the grocery store to find food and toilet paper? Focus on the details. Gratitude is something that increases as you focus on it (Bono, 2018), so the more you practice noticing things to be grateful for, the more you will find!

Support Each Other

One unique challenge of this COVID-19 pandemic is that it has merged together the realms of work and home. Couples who may be used to spending work time apart are now having to figure out how to balance work and home life in one single environment. This can be particularly difficult because it gets rid of the automatic boundaries between home and work. When one or both partners work out of the home, it allows them to leave work at work, and have a healthy mental and physical separation between work and home life. Furthermore, it automatically divides many of the work and home roles, particularly for couples where one spouse works outside the home, and one spouse works as a stay-at-home parent. 
Many couples may be struggling to find balance because of these blurred lines, which actually opens up the opportunity for more emotional sharing, empathy, and working towards a more equal partnership. Work together to have open and honest conversations about your needs during this time, and discuss how you can better support and help each other in your various roles and responsibilities. It may also be helpful to consider setting physical boundaries in your home to divide between work and family life. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Remember Conflict is Normal

Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of every marriage relationship. When two people with varying backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives come together, they are naturally going to disagree on at least a few things. More time together can also lead to more opportunities for disagreements. If you and your spouse are dealing with a lot of conflict right now, don’t get discouraged by thinking you are doing something terribly wrong. Take comfort in the fact that conflict can lead to growth and a stronger relationship when handled correctly (Tartakovsky, 2018). 
Here are a few things you can do to manage conflict in your relationship:
  • Take responsibility for your emotions
One way you can express taking responsibility for your own feelings is by using something called “I-Statements” (Darrington & Brower, 2012). Try this simple formula: “I feel ___________ when you ____________ because _____________.”
Saying “I feel” expresses ownership over your emotions. When we practice this in our disagreements, it helps us to focus on the problem at hand rather than become defensive and argumentative with our partner (Rogers, 2018).
  • Take time outs
When emotions start to escalate, our thinking brains shut down and it becomes easy for a disagreement to turn into a loud, angry fight (Gowin, 2011). One strategy to help you chill out when you are feeling emotionally flooded is to call a “time out”. Step away from the issue for a little bit, practice some self-soothing techniques, and return to the discussion after you are feeling calmer. 
  • It’s not about “winning” 
Don’t forget that the best way to “fight” in your marriage is to fight for your relationship. Ultimately, it isn’t about winning. Disagreements are about working together to find the best answer for your relationship – solutions that make both of you comfortable. Any time you reach a solution together, you win much more than you would have if you had gotten your way, or “beat” your partner.
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Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

Still Have Alone Time

Alone time is an important and necessary way for many individuals to re-charge and self-care. Even though you and your spouse may be stuck in the same physical space, make sure you are each taking the time you need to take care of yourselves individually. My favorite ways to do this are by soaking in the bath, practicing yoga or meditation, and reading or writing! For my husband, he loves to unwind by listening to music, drawing, or going for a jog. 

Make Time for Fun

Research has shown that one of the best ways we can keep our marriages strong is by intentionally having fun together (PREP Inc., 2015). With all of this extra time that we may not be used to having with our spouse, this is a great opportunity to get creative and have some fun!
Check out these posts for some ideas that you and your spouse can try for some fun at home:
P.S. Don’t forget about sex! Sex is a great way to incorporate fun and flirtatiousness into your marriage. During this time of high stress, make sure you are setting aside regular time to have fun in the bedroom together. 
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Photo by Eric Froehling on Unsplash

Final Thoughts

While this worldwide pandemic may add extra stress and create unique circumstances in our marriages, the truth is, hard work is always required to keep love alive. If we choose, we can decide to see this time as an opportunity for us to re-focus on our relationships, and to incorporate intentional practices that will help us strengthen our marriages. Practice living right now so that when things return to normal, you will miss having this extra time together! 
Personal Practice 1Read this post with your partner, and together choose one way to intentionally work on your marriage this week.

References

A Prioritized Marriage. (2020, March 28). At Home Date Night Ideas for When You Can’t Leave the House. Retrieved from https://aprioritizedmarriage.com/blog/at-home-date-night-ideas/
Benson, K. (2019, September 11). The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Bono, T., PhD. (2018). When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
Darrington, J., & Brower, N. (2012, April). Effective Communication Skills: “I” Messages and Beyond. Retrieved February 28, 2018, from https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1791&context=extension_curall
Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
Gowin, J. (2011, April 6). Under Pressure: Your Brain on Conflict. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/201104/under-pressure-your-brain-conflict
Lisitsa, E. (2018, September 12). An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
Tartakovsky, M. (2018, October 8). How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-conflict-can-improve-your-relationship/

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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