In 2002, Robin Arzon was in a bar when a gunman entered. He took Arzon as his main hostage, using her as a human shield between himself and the NYPD outside. While everyone made it out of the ordeal physically safe, Arzon began running to deal with the emotional trauma she was experiencing. “It was in the run that I found my strength again,” Arzon stated in a 2018 interview on the Rachael Ray Show.
Arzon is now an author and the Vice President of Fitness Programming and an Instructor at Peloton. She has dedicated her life to not only fitness, but cultivating excellence in all she does and helping others do the same. Arzon took one of the most traumatizing moments of her life and allowed it to shape her for the better.
By utilizing self-awareness and healthy coping mechanisms, Arzon began developing resilience.
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress.” Various studies have identified different attributes and characteristics of resilient individuals, including:
Another study shows that resilience comes from “developing attributes such as vigor, optimism, and physical robustness,” “improving socialization practices,” and “building self-efficacy and self-esteem through interpersonal relationships and experiences” (Resnick, 2011, as cited in Lohr, 2018).
You can even narrow it down to the well-known sentiment, “turning lemons into lemonade.”
If this past year hasn’t been traumatic for you, it has at least been unexpected. You may be looking forward to 2021 with hope, dread, or a mix of the two. We may not be able to anticipate everything that the next year will hold, but each of us has the opportunity to look back with self-awareness, develop healthy coping mechanisms, practice self-care, and move into 2021 with greater resilience.
In January 2020, I moved alone to a new town knowing no one. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, most of my work was done virtually. I was alone most of the time, and quickly fell into a deep depression. It took weeks of tears, loneliness, grief, and trying various coping mechanisms to finally begin feeling better. I wrote about this season of my life in my book, Not According to Plan. You can read that full chapter for free on my website.
Every attempt to get back up helped me become a little more resilient. When the pandemic hit a few weeks later I found myself again alone–but this time I was more prepared. I still experienced low points, but I was able to adapt more quickly. Through experience and self-awareness, I knew how to get back up.
Through my experience this year, I’ve further developed the following resilient attributes: rebounding, self-determination, flexibility, optimism, faith, adaptive coping, and more. These attributes will surely help me as I experience other difficult situations in the future.
There is no one right way to begin feeling better. Different things work for different people, and different things have worked for me at different times. However, by actively practicing self-awareness and different coping mechanisms, individuals can develop resilience–and that resilience will make a positive impact, no matter what the new year brings.
Ackerman, C. E. (2020, November 17). Coping Mechanisms: Dealing with Life’s Disappointments in a Healthy Way. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/coping/
Lohr, K. D. (2018). Tapping Autobiographical Narratives to Illuminate Resilience: A Transformative Learning Tool for Adult Educators. Educational Gerontology, 44(2–3), 163–170.
Ray, R. [Rachael Ray Show]. (2018, January 19). She Started Running After Being Held at Gunpoint — Now Instagram-Famous Trainer Inspires Thousand… [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjWCEV49OAg
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
This year especially, all of us have experienced a range of emotions, perhaps including but not limited to: anger, nervousness, fear, confusion, anxiety, discouragement, loneliness, and depression. If we as adults are experiencing these things, imagine what our children are experiencing.
Most children have some kind of normal routine. Last year they went to school every weekday. They had never been to a grocery store to find it bare, their neighborhoods and cities had not been vandalized, they had not been forced to stay inside and told they couldn’t visit beloved family members. Children who have been victims of domestic abuse and neglect no longer have the safety and solace that school provides.
Children are being taught a different message than they were a year before: “It’s not safe.” And this is scary when we consider that children need to feel safe in order to develop secure attachment (among many other things). Many parents do the best they can to frame the events and information of the day as, “I love you, and so I’m going to keep you safe,” and therefore are able to be a secure base for their children, maintaining a healthy sense of security and warmth. This is wonderful!
No matter how we frame information, children are internalizing messages from parents, media, and the drastic changes in their lives. This year children have undergone major disruptions and changes, and while research shows us that children are incredibly resilient, we don’t know how these changes will affect the mental health and development of children long-term.
I don’t want to scare you. But what I do want to point out is that, like us, children experience emotions. And those emotions, even if “negative” emotions, are good and important. Just like us, children experience anxiety, depression, fear, anger, confusion, loneliness, and so on. It is of critical importance that we respond to their feelings appropriately and coach them through these tough emotions.
John Gottman wrote a great book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”, and I want to share a few tidbits of that book with you to help you be an Emotion Coach for your child – or, in other words, to help your child become emotionally intelligent.
Emotional Intelligence
First, it’s important to understand what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions in a way that makes you more resilient on the other side. Emotional intelligence is NOT pushing through your emotions quickly or dissociating from them. It’s about understanding your experience, embracing it, and working through it effectively, and with a growth mindset. “Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life including family relationships.”
Emotionally intelligent children are better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other social cues accurately, and cope with life’s ups and downs. Additionally, children whose parents are emotion coaches have better physical health, higher academic scores, get along with their friends better, and are able to self-soothe.
Emotion coaches don’t object to a child’s display of anger, sadness or fear, nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life. They use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.
Parents who invalidate and/or discount children’s feelings can cause children to doubt themselves and not trust their instincts. Emotional coaching requires empathy, good listening skills, selflessness, and the ability to put oneself in the child’s shoes. Emotional coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems….emotional coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions, even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear can serve useful purposes in our lives.”
Emotional awareness simply means that you are able to recognize emotions in yourself and in those around you. To recognize emotions in your children, you must recognize emotions in yourself. When we observe our children experiencing emotions, even negative emotions, we do not dismiss those emotions or respond with disapproval. Emotional awareness leads to empathy and our next step.
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy
When we recognize that emotional expression gives way to the opportunity for connection and learning, we deepen our relationship. Talking to children about what they are feeling gives us the opportunity to teach them to understand their own emotions, teach them about the world around them, and build trust.
We all need people who are willing to listen, empathize, and validate – our children are no different. One of the hard things around this one is refraining from dismissing, disapproving, or even trying to rescue our kids from their problems.
4. Help children learn to label emotions
As children talk about their experiences and express needs, we can help them identify what they are feeling. It is important to help them label their experiences, instead of labeling their emotions for them. This is not a time to rescue our children from their emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, hurt, nervous, discouraged, confused, etc. Accepting that these negative experiences are a natural part of life actually helps our children build resilience and confidence. Dismissing or disapproving of negative emotions can, even unintentionally, teach our children that they are alone in their emotions, bad for having those feelings, that they cannot trust their instincts, or that something is wrong with them. But labeling their emotions helps them eventually process how to work through them.
Boundaries and discipline are still an important part of parenting, even for emotional coaches. For example, we absolutely have the right to be angry, but we don’t have the right to throw our toys at people. Here’s where we really get to connect and teach our children. We take it a step further by helping our children explore solutions to their problems. Again, we do not rescue children. We hold them accountable for their mistakes, and empower them to find solutions. We act as their coach in this growth process. “When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations feel less mysterious which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then when conflicts crop up we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed the day may come when they are actually willing to hear our suggestions.”
While important, understand that emotion coaching is not a cure-all. Conflict is normal and discipline is important. Emotional coaching is about closeness, capability, and engagement, not removing conflict or the need for boundaries.
This week, take advantage of opportunities to practice being an emotion coach for your child(ren).
References
Esmaeelzadehazad, S., Valadi, S., & Gabbard, C. (2021). The impact of maternal emotional intelligence on young children’s motor development. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17405629.2021.1918094
Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Li, D., & Shi, J. (2021). Fluid intelligence, trait emotional intelligence and academic performance in children with different intellectual levels. High Ability Studies, 32(1), 51–69. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/13598139.2019.1694493
Persich, M. R., Smith, R., Cloonan, S. A., Woods, L. R., Strong, M., & Killgore, W. D. S. (2021). Emotional intelligence training as a protective factor for mental health during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Depression and Anxiety, 38(10), 1018–1025. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23202
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
It seems that we are constantly being bombarded with bad news; there was a school shooting. A hurricane hit harder than we initially thought. A beloved former teacher died. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that tragedy will strike, and sometimes, it’ll strike without warning.
I have had my fair share of heartbreak — as I’m sure we all have — and despite the agonizing, unbearable pain that I’ve experienced, I have slowly come to accept that there are benefits to tragedy. Believe me, this is not me asking for more suffering to come my way (please, no), but I have seen myself and those around me grow and become closer because of the trials we’ve faced together.
When it comes to dealing with tragedy, individuals often possess their own spiritual and cultural traditions, which play a large part in the coping process (Aranda & Knight 1997). It’s not unusual for people to ask “why us?” or “who is to blame?” In order to fully gain perspective while experiencing tragedy, we need to make sense of the traumatic event and be aware of any repercussions that may come as a result (Walsh 2007).
Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash
Through a traumatic event, however, it is essential to maintain a positive outlook. Hope is vital for recovery. Hope fuels energies and investment to rebuild lives, revise dreams, renew attachments, and create positive legacies to pass on to future generations (Walsh 2007). Being able to trust in the future and trust in yourself will help facilitate the feeling of security to return back into your life.
The Power of Resilience
The semester after we suddenly lost my sister, I took a class called Family Adaptation and Resiliency. I chose this course very purposefully — I had always planned on taking it, but I knew that I needed it sooner rather than later. Throughout the course of the semester, we read about and walked through just about every tragedy that a family could experience. Divorce, death, natural disaster, job loss and other financial strains…the list goes on and on. No matter the stressor, however, it was drilled into my head that families could recover. Not only that, but families could end up stronger than they were before. This is the true meaning of resilience: not only bouncing back but using these difficulties to improve relationships as well.
Resilience isn’t limited to an individual or a family, however. It can be seen in a community as well! So many tragedies strike on a larger scale, and through an intentional response to trials, an entire community — a city, a state, a nation — can be brought together. Although arguably none of us want to go through tragedy, it’s important to remember that when hard things happen, we have a choice. We can choose to be stuck in the tragedy, or we can choose to work towards resilience and draw closer together. Through tragedy, a family or community system can become more refined than ever before. “Resilience involves ‘mastering the possible,’ coming to accept what has been lost and cannot be changed, while directing efforts to what can be done and seizing opportunities for something good to come out of the tragedy” (Murphy, Johnson, & Lohan 2002). Achieving resilience is not a simple task, but through communication and being aware of needs and emotions, it is possible.
Photo by Perry Grone on Unsplash
Studies have found that one of the most important ways to foster acceptance and hope following a tragedy is the ability to seek comfort and reassurance with others. Walsh put it best when he said, “Times of great tragedy can bring out the best in the human spirit: ordinary people show extraordinary courage, compassion, and generosity in helping kin, neighbors, and strangers to recover and rebuild lives.”
Tips for fostering community resilience:
Acknowledge the trauma and verify facts
Find meaning through memorial rituals, tributes, etc.
Rebuild lives, homes, etc. through community reorganization
Create new life plans and dreams
Journal about a tragedy you have experienced in your life, and how it has affected who you are today. If you feel comfortable opening up, seek out members of your community that could use your support and personal experience in their own healing process.
References
Manyena, Bernard, et al. “Disaster resilience: a bounce back or bounce forward ability?.” Local Environment: The International Journal of Justice and Sustainability 16.5 (2011): 417-424.
Aranda, M. P., & Knight, B. G. (1997). The influence of ethnicity and culture on the caregiver stress and coping process: A sociocultural review and analysis. The Gerontologist, 37(3), 342-354.
Murphy, S. A., Johnson, L. C., & Lohan, J. (2002). The aftermath of the violent death of a child: An integration of the assessments of parents’ mental distress and PTSD during the first 5 years of bereavement. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 7(3), 203–222. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10811440290057620
Walsh, F. (2007). Traumatic Loss and Major Disasters: Strengthening Family and Community Resilience. Family Process, 46(2), 207–227. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2007.00205.x
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Battling mental illness is a family experience: shared together, but suffered individually. “Families describe that often, it is not the family member with the illness who suffers the most, but rather it is other family members” (Marshall, 2010).
Maintaining relationships through mental health battles can be difficult for anyone involved – the one with the mental illness, and the one(s) loving the one with the mental illness. There are unique struggles that each person faces, but I’m here to tell you that no matter what they are, a relationship – of any kind – can persist even when someone’s mental health is at an all-time low.
Despite a recent effort to de-stigmatize mental illnesses, many people still face stereotyping, rejection, status loss, discrimination, and low power (Link and Phelan 2001) due to their mental health struggles. I myself have been told by a (now former) friend – who also has depression, mind you – that I was too sad to be around. These kinds of statements are extremely detrimental and unfortunately, are fairly common among those with a mental illness.
I hate to admit that I have even found myself judging someone else’s mental health in comparison to mine. If I’m able to do X despite my diagnoses, why can’t they? Can we just collectively agree that mental illness is as real and valid as physical illness? Not only that, but it impacts people differently, and different individuals respond to different treatments. That’s one of the hardest things about mental illnesses: they are different in everyone.
Relationships can help heal.
You are never alone in your suffering. Even if everyone experiences mental illnesses in different ways, there are people who understand what you’re going through. Families especially “can have a significant impact on their relative’s recovery” (McFarlane, Dixon, Lukens, & Lucksted, 2003, p. 224). And that’s why familial support is so important – sometimes, they’re the most important resource for an individual who is struggling.
Photo from pexels.com
Here are some ideas on how to support someone with a mental illness (for more ideas specific to supporting a romantic partner living with mental illness, check out another one of our posts here):
Set boundaries! This can be difficult, but it will benefit both you and the one struggling in the long run. Whether this means having a boundary on the amount of time you’re willing to share, or just being allowed to say “no” to someone, boundaries help create a stable relationship.
Give them the opportunity to talk and open up but don’t press. Offer your support. Specifically ask, “How can I help you?”
Find out if they are getting the care that they need. Connect them to help if needed. Assist them in researching doctors, medications, therapists, non-traditional remedies, etc.
Reassure them that you care about them and are there for them. Show them respect, compassion, and empathy.
Continue to invite them to things without being overbearing. A lot of the time, people like to feel included even if they aren’t feeling up to doing things.
Relationships can become stronger than ever.
At some points, one person may be giving more than taking, and one may be taking more than giving; but for a relationship to flourish, both partners have to give and take. You need someone who will stand by your side, love you, and give you help when you need it. And you need someone who can trust you to do the same for them. You don’t need to hide who you are. You don’t need to be afraid to ask for help. And you don’t need to settle for anyone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of your heart, because regardless of your struggles, it really does.
Photo from pexels.com
One of the most important things that I learned in my undergraduate education is that families can bounce back from anything, and can find resilience (ie. the capacity to recover from difficulty) that helps them be stronger than they ever were before (Walsh, 2016). It almost makes me grateful for trials – knowing the power they have to bring us together and strengthen our bonds. A family setting is a perfect place for individuals to practice learning how to be resilient, and to learn how to foster close relationships that will help them get through the tough times.
Here are a few tips for building family resilience:
Practice connecting: Dr. Ann Masten has said, “Much of resilience, especially in children, but also throughout the life span, is embedded in close relationships with other people. Those relationships give you a profound sense of emotional security and the feeling that someone has your back, because they do.” (Southwick, et. al, 2014) Families give us the opportunity to learn how to connect with each other. Parents can model positive connection both with each other and with their children. As children interact with their parents and siblings, they can learn through trial and error how to create and nurture positive relationships.
Practice failing: When it comes to resilience, learning how to fail without your world falling apart is a must. Failure is something that we encounter throughout our everyday lives in both small and big ways, and the family is a perfect place for us to develop a positive relationship with failure. At the dinner table, instead of asking, “what did you do today?”, try asking, “what was something you failed at today, and what did you learn from it?” Get rid of the shame surrounding failure, and teach your family how to learn from it!
Practice positivity: Gratitude and thankfulness can be an important part of building resilience in individuals and families. It helps us to move through difficulties and focus on the growth that comes from them. Finding opportunities in any situation to practice gratitude isn’t just holding on to a silver lining, it is actually actively changing your brain and inviting more positivity into your life. As a family, practice recognizing what you have to be grateful for, and share in that gratitude together.
Mental illness can both affect our relationships, and in turn, be altered by them. It is up to us to decide whether we allow them to push us apart, or bring us closer.
Think of someone you know that has a mental illness – maybe it’s you! Ponder how your relationships have changed because of mental health and reflect on what you can do to help them become stronger than ever.
References
Link, Bruce G., Elmer L. Struening, Sheree Neese-Todd, Sara Asmussen, and Jo C. Phelan. 2001. ‘‘The Consequences of Stigma for the Self-Esteem of People with Mental Illnesses.’’ Psychiatric Services 52:1621–26.
Marshall, A., Bell, J. M., & Moules, N. J. (2010). Beliefs, Suffering, and Healing: A Clinical Practice Model for Families Experiencing Mental Illness. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 46(3), 197–208. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6163.2010.00259.x
Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: interdisciplinary perspectives. European journal of psychotraumatology, 5, 10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338. https://doi:10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338
Walsh, F. (2016). Applying a Family Resilience Framework in Training, Practice, and Research: Mastering the Art of the Possible. Family Process, 55(4), 616–632. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12260
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
