Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution? How long did you stick with it before life got in the way?
It happens to all of us. We have grand plans of things we are going to accomplish, but then something happens, and we never reach our goal. Why not?
Often, it is because the actual goal we set was lacking in some way. Research shows that there are attributes of goal setting that make us more likely to achieve our goals. That is why SMART goals have become so popular in recent years. Originally based on the goal setting theory of Locke and Latham, SMART is a convenient acronym for some of the attributes that goals should have if we want to actually achieve them. While there is not complete uniformity in the words different organizations use to fit to the acronym, I have chosen those words that research best supports.
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S – Specific: Making a goal specific is the first, and potentially most important, factor in effective goal setting. Research shows that specific goals lead to higher performance than vague, abstract, or no goals. So, while goals like, “be more grateful for what I have” are well-intentioned, they need to be more specific to actually make them happen. For example: Every evening, I will write down 3 things I am grateful for from that day. That is a goal where you can actually see a way to follow through.
M – Motivation: If you don’t have a reason behind your goal that means something to you, why are you setting the goal? You need to have some form of motivation if you are going to achieve your goal, and motivation typically comes from some kind of reward. That can be an external reward, such as a something given to you, or an internal reward, such as a meaningful purpose, an intellectual challenge, or a sense of accomplishment. The most powerful motivations usually include a combination of internal and external rewards. Pick a reward for achieving your goal that is meaningful to you – make sure it is something that will be motivating even when your goal seems most challenging.
A – Accountable: If you are setting good goals, but you’re struggling to stick with them, you may need someone to hold you accountable. Accountability has been found to result in significantly higher goals being reached than when there is no accountability. It is also important to pick an accountability partner who won’t let you make excuses. While there can be valid reasons for not achieving your goal, you need an accountability partner who sets the bar high for what counts or doesn’t count as valid.
R – Realistic & Relevant: I couldn’t pick just one word for the R, because both realistic goals and relevant goals are very important. Realistic goals are challenging, yet achievable given your current circumstances. If there’s no hope of success, motivation is hard to find — so set goals you can realistically succeed at. Relevant goals also help with motivation to stick with your goals. Relevant goals are sub-goals to larger, overarching goals you have in your life. While doing something just for the sake of accomplishment can be fun, motivation to stick with a goal is often found when succeeding at the goal will be useful to you in the future. Reading all the books on the New York Times Top 10 list may be a fun way to read things you might otherwise not, but making your own list of books to read that have information useful for your personal life is more relevant and gives you more reason to actually read them.
T – Time-bound: Give yourself a deadline. It gives you motivation to get it done, and when you’ve succeeded, you can set a new SMART goal relevant to one of your overarching life goals.
Set a SMART goal for the New Year, for any area of your life! Write it down and decide now what you are going to do to achieve your goal. And remember, your deadline doesn’t have to be the end of the year. You can do a smaller goal each month that adds up to something big.
Bonus Challenge:Set a SMART goal that relates specifically to improving one of your personal relationships. Keep an eye out for our monthly calendars over the next few months for ideas for what you can do each day to make your relationships more meaningful!
References
Frink, D. D. & Ferris, G. R. (1998). Accountability, impression management, and goal setting in the performance evaluation process. Human Relations, 51(10), 1259-1283.
Locke, E. A. & Latham, G. P. (1990). A theory of goal setting and task performance. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Locke, E., & Latham, G. P. (2019). Reply to commentaries on “The development of goal setting theory: A half century retrospective.” Motivation Science, 5(2), 114–115. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/mot0000145
MacLeod, L. (2012, March-April). Making SMART goals smarter. Physician Executive, 38(2), 68+.
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Ah, the magic of Christmas! Close your eyes and think about it. What comes to your mind? I see my family decorating the house with lights, cookie jars, Christmas figurines, and of course putting the ornaments on the tree with care. I hear myself caroling with church members in the back of a trailer as we look at the beautiful lights around the neighborhood. I can smell the cookies baking in the oven my mother is making for her annual cookie exchange. Can you almost taste the hot cocoa and egg nog? I know I can’t help but be filled with joyful nostalgia as I contemplate these wonderful memories. What makes these memories so sweet? The answer is simple: it is the rituals associated with them.
Rituals are traditions, celebrations, or any repeated behavior that helps convey your identity or personal values. Rituals bring a sort of magic that help us transcend the “here and now” to focus on what is really important. They generate warm and nostalgic memories for family members who then pass them down across multiple generations. Think back to the favorite Christmas you pictured above. Can you think of any holiday rituals in that experience? These are things like selecting a Christmas tree, performing acts of service, gift exchanges, family dinners, etc. Remember, rituals are not just regular habits or routines; they hold special meaning and tell us something about the values our families cherish. When practiced on a regular basis, we can feel and experience the magic of Christmas all year-round!
Why are rituals important?
Research shows that rituals are associated with many positive outcomes for parents and children alike. For example, children whose parents hold rituals tend to undergo earlier development than those who don’t. Teenagers, who often experience family conflict during their years of identity exploration, feel increased love and trust from parents who host regular rituals. Adolescents in families who maintain rituals also show increased identity cohesion, meaning they feel secure and confident with their identity and the way others view them. Finally, rituals are associated with increased marital satisfaction for both member of the relationship. It appears that nearly every family member can benefit from the practice of rituals.
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I believe another wonderful benefit of rituals is that they have a unique ability to transport us, as a family, to a moment frozen in time. Whatever your problems are, they can be set aside and momentarily forgotten as you participate in a tradition. Children stop bickering and parents forget about the stresses of life as they come together to repeat the family ritual. Why is this?
Dr. Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, explained it this way:
“Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
I think his quote applies to us all. No matter the age, we all crave the security that comes from belonging to our family members. Rituals are fascinating because they are familiar, bring out the values we hold dear, and unite siblings and parents alike in creating a beautiful memory together.
Unfortunately, many of us struggle with maintaining or adapting rituals in the midst of everyday life. These times include periods of transition (moving out of your parents’ home, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc) and stress (financial hardship, divorce, mental illness, etc). This recalibration may be difficult, but simply requires conscious thought towards prolonging and adapting your family traditions.
Creating Rituals
The beautiful thing about rituals is that they are NEVER too late to start. Regardless of the stage of life you or your family members are in, joy and family unity can be found through creating and practicing rituals. The holiday season may arguably be the easiest time to consider your family traditions and take the time to create some new ones.
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Questions to Consider when creating rituals:
What values and beliefs do I hold?
What characteristics am I trying to obtain?
What is most important to me and why?
What traits or beliefs would I like to pass down to my children?
What activities, foods, or events do I enjoy?
What times would work best? If I feel busy, what can I sacrifice in my schedule in order to promote rituals in my family?
One easy way to create a ritual is add special meaning to an already established routine.
For example, most families have a specific order of events for putting the children to bed. During the holiday season, spruce it up with holiday cheer! Play Christmas songs while cleaning up after dinner, put red and green bath bombs in the tub for your children to enjoy, or read holiday stories before bed. Remember to include your family members in on the decision-making process of the ritual.
Long to-do list? Try to add some special meaning to one of your tasks. Involve friends and family members.
When you go to wrap the presents, involve your family members! Turn it into a game to see who can wrap the neatest present, sing carols as you work, or tell stories about your ancestors. It may add a few minutes to your to-do list, but the increased family unity and growing smiles will be worth it.
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Adapting Rituals
“Routines and rituals evolve and do not just appear in full form—they take work.”
Don’t be afraid of the work! Here are some tips to help.
Tips during times of transition/stress:
Moved away from home? If you are able to, find time to participate in rituals with your family. Skype and FaceTime are great tools for this! Find ways to bring your favorite family traditions into your current life with friends, roommates, or coworkers. You’d be surprised how much joy decorating a tiny apartment while listening to Christmas music can bring to your life, even if it only takes a fraction of the time it used to take at home with your family.
Newlywed? Openly communicate with your spouse what rituals are important to your family and why. Learn about theirs and talk about ways you can meld some of your rituals together. Make sure to come up with some new ones of your own, as well! Don’t feel like you need a large list of rituals right when you get married. Many will naturally come as you experience life together. Just make sure to consider your rituals every so often. The holidays are a great time to do so.
In the thick of parenthood? Be willing to adapt your rituals to the needs of your children. Caroling all night in the cold with a baby might not be the best idea. Carol to a neighbor or two earlier in the evening. What do your children enjoy? What will promote fun instead of bickering or ruthless competition? Remember to focus on the values you hold dear.
Financial hardship? Look for free or low-cost ways to participate during the holiday season. Your family members will probably appreciate the tradition itself regardless of the money you spend to produce it.
Stressed or dealing with mental illness? Don’t focus on completing all family rituals with perfection. Select one or two, simplify them, and focus on being present in the moment. Traditions are intended to bring you closer to family members and remind you of who you are. You can also create new rituals that center on building yourself up or mental self-care. For example, create a new tradition where you take an evening to pamper yourself and watch a Hallmark movie!
Final Thoughts
As you with your family strive throughout the entire year to hold regular rituals, you can experience the magic of Christmas no matter the month!
Take a moment to reflect on your family traditions. Are they meeting the needs of you and your family? Do they help solidify your values, beliefs, and family identity? If necessary, create a new one or adapt a current tradition to your present family circumstance.
Garcia-Rada, X., Sezer, O., & Norton, M. I. (2019). Rituals and nuptials: The emotional and relational consequences of relationship rituals. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 4(2), 185–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1086/702761
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
Think of the last time you felt lonely. Now think of the last time you were isolated. Did you think of the same time for both? Or were you isolated and not lonely, or lonely but not isolated? For me, the last time I felt lonely was when I was in a crowd – lonely, but not isolated. When I missed church due to illness, I appreciated the break from people – isolated, but not lonely. The second week in a row that I missed church due to illness, I’d had my break and I wanted to see everyone again – isolated and lonely.
Do you see the difference now? In regular life, we often don’t differentiate between feeling lonely and being isolated. In research, these are distinct concepts that must be defined: Isolation isn’t about feelings. It’s when you have few social relationships or do not have frequent social contact. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the feeling you get when you have less social connection that you want to have.
Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash
And so it is that being isolated is not inherently unhealthy, but loneliness is. Of course, everyone feels lonely now and again. That’s perfectly normal. It is in excess when loneliness becomes dangerous. An article that looked at data from 148 different studies on social connection and mortality found that loneliness is as damaging to physical health as smoking and alcohol and is more damaging than obesity and lack of exercise.
Feeling lonely most of the time isn’t just unpleasant– It can actually shorten your lifespan.
So what do you do if you are both isolated and lonely? Start by decreasing your isolation:
Attend a creative class: Your local YMCA, community center, or craft shops likely offer classes for different creative activities – cooking, crafts, etc. You may never get good at whatever it is, but it will still give you the chance to meet people and bond over your mutual inability to make a clay mug that actually looks like a mug.
Join a local sports team or club: Explore the options in the community for competitive or recreational adult sports. If you’re into team sports, join a team – it’ll get you out of the house, get you exercise, and give you the opportunity to bond with your new teammates. If you’re into solo sports like tennis, you still need someone to play against – join a club where you can regularly find opponents, and reach out to the other players you regularly see there.
Make an effort at work: Spend time in the common areas at work, especially while those areas are being used for lunch – the more you eat lunch and make conversation with your coworkers, the more likely that you will start spending time with them outside of work too.
Volunteer: Pick a cause that means something to you and find a place nearby where you can volunteer – you’ll be making the world a better place and meeting new people at the same time.
Attend community events: Find inexpensive or free events in your community that interest you and make the time to attend some of them. While you’re there, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger – the fact that you both thought the event was worth attending means you already have something in common (even if you’re both just there for the free food).
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Now raise your hand if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still feeling lonely. If this is you, think about this:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
This idea of allowing ourselves to be seen – that is vulnerability. It is taking the risk, exposing ourselves to another person, not knowing how they are going to react. It is being courageous – telling “the story of who you are with your whole heart” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
Brené Brown’s research tells us that those who are courageous, those who are whole-hearted, “They [have] connection… as a result of authenticity. They [are] willing to let go of who they [think] they should be, in order to be who they [are].”
They allow themselves to be seen.
It is the quality of connection that matters, not the quantity. And to truly create quality connections with others, we must be authentic. We must have the courage to be vulnerable, to open up, to share things that matter deeply to us. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but it is necessary. It is fundamental to building connections with others – the connections we need in order to not feel lonely whether we’re in a crowd or staying home tonight.
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“Vulnerability is … the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
-Brené Brown
When you dare to be vulnerable, you don’t just open yourself up to deeper social connections. You also open yourself up to all the positive emotions — from not having to hide who you are for fear of judgment; from allowing yourself to really be seen and having someone accept you for who you are in your entirety. That can change your life, if you let it.
Embracing vulnerability takes time, but you can take the first step on that journey now. This week, pick one person in your life with whom you would like a deeper connection. Think about everything that person doesn’t know about you, and pick one of those things to tell that person this week. Try to not pick a safe option, something that you can predict their response to. Try to pick something to share that you aren’t sure will garner a positive reaction. See how your connection can deepen as you allow yourself to be seen.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med 7(7), 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Koyama, Y., Nawa, N., Yamaoka, Y., Nishimura, H., Sonoda, S., Kuramochi, J., Miyazaki, Y., & Fujiwara, T. (2021). Interplay between social isolation and loneliness and chronic systemic inflammation during the COVID-19 pandemic in Japan: Results from U-CORONA study. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 94, 51–59. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2021.03.007
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
