“To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.”
– Anthon St. Maarten
Heartfulness is more than mindfulness. It’s embracing our imagination and feelings, and is meant to awaken in us that which was sleeping. A study revealed, “the magnetic field produced by the heart is 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain and can be detected and measured several feet away from the body, in all directions (Watkins, 2014). Essentially, the ability to feel has more influence on life than anything else. This time of pandemic and collective grief may be our chance to understand ourselves and live more fully. Allow me to share some research, and thoughts on why a more heartful way of living is essential to make it through 2020.
The Elements
At some point in history, it was decided that removing emotion from decision making, and intellectual pursuits was the right thing to do. I recognize the successes that come with objectivity, but also think we’ve done ourselves a disservice by valuing logic too highly. Placing reason above connection will be more detrimental than beneficial, and scientific research validates this presumption.
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
When emotion is measured, it appears faster and more apparent than our cognitions. The brain is there to make sense of our feelings, but it also stores conflicting information. The more data in our mind, the longer it takes to process emotion. Our intuition, however, is faster than our mind. Research shows that making decisions based on our gut improves cognitive functioning and produces more satisfying results for people (Yip et. Al, 2020). Perhaps it’s most apparent with big decisions like, “Who will I marry?”, “How will I vote?”, “How will I raise my children?”, “What career will I pursue?” etc. When we act solely on logic we often betray ourselves, and experience regret down the road. Ever found yourself in a job you hate, but chose because it makes good money? Or, stayed in a relationship because “they’re perfect”, but you’re not happy? We need our emotions to guide us, not only to what makes sense, but to what we really want. There’s enough evidence to prove any and everything. But, only one heart knows what’s best for you.
The Experience
Our conditioning has inhibited our heartfulness. Most of us have received messages like “you’re too much, don’t be angry, don’t cry, it’s not that big of a deal” etc. The truth is, not being free to feel our feelings completely is what’s created a pandemic of emptiness and dissatisfaction with ourselves and our relationships. Empathy is an important factor in thriving relationships. Essentially, it’s in our biology to give and receive empathy (Wearne, 2020). Our lifetime of resisting feelings deliberately contradicts our scientific makeup.
I remember being in kindergarten and sensing that my dad was cheating on my mom. I kept this awareness to myself for many reasons: I had no evidence, it was illogical, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I was afraid to be mocked, and a big part of me wanted to be wrong. Years went by and this gut feeling got stronger. When I was eleven, or so, I finally told my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She asked how I knew. I explained that I had no proof, but felt a strong feeling. The following year he confessed his infidelity. My feeling wasn’t crazy, it was prophetic.
Have you ever felt sad when you walked in the house, only to find out your partner had had a rough day? Have you ever felt a random burst of anxiety while your friend was driving, and they tell you they just saw a police car? According to Dr. Watkins, “the electromagnetic field of the heart carries information that can not only be detected in the behaviors of other people in close proximity, but also has measurable, physiological effects on them” (Watkins, 2014). This isn’t just woo woo, feelings stuff. This is scientific. We feel each other’s feelings both unintentionally and intentionally, and we are hardwired to do so.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Embrace
Glennon Doyle tells a story of her daughter’s sensitivity. In school, the kids were taught about the polar bears struggling to survive because of the melting ice caps. Glennon’s daughter preoccupied herself with the polar bears for months and asked, “Who’s going to help them?” and “Where’s the polar bear’s mommy to take care of them?” One night she told Glennon, “It’s the polar bears now but nobody cares…so soon it’s going to be us.” Glennon realized her daughter wasn’t crazy to be heartbroken about the polar bears. The rest of us are crazy not to be heartbroken about the polar bears (Brown, 2020). Angry, devastated people aren’t weird or insane. They just may be the only ones responding appropriately to a damaged world. It’s the shamans, clergy, healers and poets that see what other people can’t, and are willing to feel what other people refuse. They follow their gut. They’ve embraced their heartfulness.
The problem with numbing, masking or resisting emotion is that we stop trusting ourselves. Goethe said, “as soon as you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live.” We all start out hopeful, happy and trusting. Then life challenges us and breaks us down. Rather than leaning into and learning more about our hearts, we often put up walls and armor of protection. It’s time for us to unlearn our doubt and fear. Let’s unpack our way back to ourselves and each other.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
So, what if we embraced our deep feelings? What if we got back to caring for the collective good? Leaning into emotion may be the most difficult thing you ever do. When we become heartful, we feel more, and the more we feel, the more ups and downs we will experience. We will be confronted with our own light and darkness. You may realize just how permeable you are, and how vulnerable we all are (McConkie, 2017). But it also clears up the way for real connection, and demonstrates how capable of emotions, like love, we can be. It will be painful and beautiful, and totally worth it!
This week, express your true feelings to yourself and those around you. Be unapologetic in your emotions. Hold space for yourself, even if you don’t think what you feel is logical or valid. Practice holding nonjudgmental space for others as well. Record your realizations that arise from this emotional embrace.
Watkins, A. R., (2015). Coherence: The secret science of brilliant leadership. KoganPage.
Wearne, T.A., Osborne-Crowley, K., Logan, J.A., Wilson, E., Rushby, J., & McDonald, S. (2020). Understanding how others feel: Evaluating the relationship between empathy and various aspects of emotion recognition following severe traumatic brain injury. Neuropsychology, 34(3), 288-297. https://doi-org.ezporxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/neu0000609
Yip, J.A., Stein, D.H., Cote, S., & Carney, D.R. (2020). Follow your gut? Emotional intelligence moderates the association between physiologically measured somatic markers and risk-taking. Emotion, 20(3), 462-472. http://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10/1037/emo00000561.supp (Supplemental)
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
With the global issue of COVID-19, we’ve been given the instruction by our nation’s leaders and world health professionals to practice ‘social distancing’ for an undetermined amount of time.
With this unique instruction, we may easily become lost in the sudden change of pace that we may overlook and therefore neglect one of our most basic human needs…. social connection.
As human beings, we truly are hard-wired to connect with one another and for good reason too. “Social connection can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, and actually improve our immune systems (Canada Mental Health Association).” Research has even shown that a lack of social connection is an even greater detriment to our health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure (House et al., 1988). We need each other! Our physical and mental health depend on it. So while we are practicing social distancing, remember that maintaining social connection is paramount to our health. There are A LOT of ways to continue to build and strengthen our relationships. Here are just 30 ways I came up with.
Photo by bewakoof com official on Unsplash
30 Ways to Strengthen your Relationships While Practicing Social Distancing:
Call a friend you’ve lost touch with
Film yourself reading a book and send it to the children in your life
Smile and wave from 6 feet away
Leave anonymous supply items around your neighborhood
Save money for a future outing or extravagant date
Write an inspirational post on social media
Use chalk to write words of encouragement around your neighborhood
Make plans for a future trip
Start a book club and meet via Zoom or Skype
Start a ‘COVID-19 Coping’ text chat with your friends and share ideas of how to make the most of this situation
Email your loved ones
Send a care package to someone who may be struggling
Deep clean/organize your space so when this quarantine business subsides, you’ll be ready to socialize
Ask your neighbors how they are doing and what you can do to help
Dress up nice and have an indoor date night
Try something new with a loved one – yoga, dancing, a new instrument…etc.
Learn a language you’ve always wanted to so you can make even more connections
Try a new recipe or cook an elaborate meal
Create a game tournament with prizes
Be active (indoor or outdoor)
Call a loved one and tell them a joke
Create a family or couple goal to work towards
Write letters to the elderly people in your life
Pray for your loved ones and their well-being during this difficult time
Practice creativity! Write a musical piece, sketch, paint, knit, sew, build…etc.
Turn up the tunes and have a dance party
Read a book together (to a child or with a loved one)
Camp indoors or in your backyard complete with a campfire and smores’
Send a text and check in on a friend
Highlight the positive and make daily contact with loved ones through social apps (MarcoPolo, Whatsapp..etc.)
Choose a creative way to strengthen your relationships each day this week.
References
Griffiths, R., Horsfall, J., Moore, M., Lane, D., Kroon, V., & Langdon, R. (2007). Assessment of health, well-being and social connections: A survey of women living in Western Sydney. International Journal of Nursing Practice, 13(1), 3–13. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1440-172X.2006.00606.x
House, Landis, Umberson (1988). Social Relationships and health Science. Department of Epidemiology, University of Michigan, Ann Harbor. Vol. 241, Issue 4865, pp. 540-545 https://doi.org/10.1126/science.3399889
Kobayashi, K. M., Cloutier-Fisher, D., & Roth, M. (2009). Making meaningful connections: A profile of social isolation and health among older adults in small town and small city, British Columbia. Journal of Aging and Health, 21(2), 374–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0898264308329022
Thompson, T., Rodebaugh, T. L., Bessaha, M. L., & Sabbath, E. L. (2020). The association between social isolation and health: An analysis of parent–adolescent dyads from the Family Life, Activity, Sun, Health, and Eating Study. Clinical Social Work Journal, 48(1), 18–24. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10615-019-00730-2
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
A few years ago, I walked into a support group for spouses and families of addicts, and was surprised by these two things:
The instant love and support I was shown, and
The clear emphasis on OUR INDIVIDUAL healing, NOT our loved ones’ healing.
Yes, we want our loved ones to heal and grow and overcome the things they struggle with, but that was not—nor will ever be—something any of us have any control over. The only thing we can truly control is our own healing, and the little and big decisions we make along the way.
Betrayal trauma can be felt when we feel betrayed by a loved one, and experience trauma from that. In other words, it is trauma experienced when we lose the trust of a loved one—often in cases of lying, deceit, infidelity, or other inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Both men and women can experience betrayal trauma (Note: I’m writing this paper as a woman who used to attend a women-only support group, so if I speak from that perspective, that’s why. But I know men who have experienced betrayal trauma as well, and their experiences are important to consider as well).
Psychologist George S. Everly found that those struggling with betrayal trauma exhibited many of the same symptoms as those suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including:
…guilt, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually (almost addictively) reliving both the positive moments (longingly) and the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. And again as you might expect the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid relationships in the future.
Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash
Here is what betrayal trauma looked like for me:
In my own trauma, I developed “triggers”—situations, objects, places, memories, etc. that sent my mind and body spiraling into a state of anxiety. I remember once having to pull my car over to the side of the road when a memory came into my mind, unable to keep driving as my body involuntarily began shaking, and I fought to control my breathing and tears. For months I scanned parking lots as I drove into them, frantically seeing if I recognized any of the cars, trying to determine if I was (emotionally) safe or not. While experiencing other romantic relationships helped me heal and move forward, I also experienced triggers in intimate situations.
The sweet thing is, it got better. The triggers became fewer and farther between. Painful memories faded as new memories and experiences replaced them. I could eventually think about the happy memories from the past with gratitude instead of hurt.
Each person’s experience with betrayal trauma is different, including the severity of which they experience it. I’ve seen individuals suffer severe physical health issues as a result of their emotional grief*. I’ve seen them spend years working with their loved one to regain that trust—for both of them. I’ve known people who have stayed in relationships—for better or for worse—and I’ve known people who have left. Of those I’ve seen leave, sometimes they leave immediately upon the first betrayal, and sometimes they stay for years trying to make it work. There is no right or wrong solution for any person experiencing betrayal trauma.
If you are in the thick of trauma right now—maybe you just experienced a punch-to-the-heart disclosure or your relationship is just feeling especially heavy right now—I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved. Take a few breaths, let yourself cry, and do what you need to do to grieve—you may be experiencing a loss of trust, the vision you had for your relationship, your sense of self, and other parts of your life that are worth acknowledging and grieving.
When you’re ready to stand up and get moving, here are some ways to move forward and focus on healing your life.
Therapy
If you don’t have a therapist that you are comfortable confiding in, go find one right now. Even better, find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery. A quality, qualified therapist can not only offer you a space to talk freely, but can help you process those thoughts and feelings. They can offer additional insight and tools to aid in your healing.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
But did I mention that they can also offer you a space to talk freely? Especially in relationship issues, this is vital. In college, one of my Family Science professors noted that we should always be careful about the things we tell our parents about our partners/spouses—while we’ll most likely work things out with our partner pretty quickly and move forward, our parents will likely hold onto that resentment for much longer. They are just bystanders and aren’t (and shouldn’t be) in the relationship working things out alongside us. Therapists must maintain confidentiality (except in extenuating circumstances, such as when it concerns your immediate safety), so they are great sources to confide in.
Support Groups
As I said before, if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, know that you are not alone. Whether the trauma comes from a partner’s pornography use or other sexual addiction, sexual or emotional infidelity, or other form of unfaithful behavior, Bloom for Women reports that 41% of married women (about 30 million women) have unfaithful spouses. Of those, they state that about 72% experience trauma from sexual betrayal (about 21 million women).
Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash
Support groups bring people struggling with similar issues together to share experiences, relate to one another, encourage personal growth, and feel less alone. You can search online for both online support groups (like Bloom for Women for betrayal trauma recovery) or local/regional support groups. As the facilitators in my local support group once told me, give it three meetings before you decide to drop out of the group. Support groups sometimes have their own culture of sorts (a particular meeting schedule, reading materials, how a person introduces themselves, how each meeting ends, etc.) If you still don’t like your group after a few meetings, try another one. But give it a chance.
Books, Podcasts, Etc.
Some of my favorites:
What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Workbook: Healing Through Christ— free download here
Podcast: LifeBeats Project Episode #55 with Nicole, “Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others.”
Album: Lemonade by Beyonce (if that’s your thing) 😉
I wanted to give you as many resources as I could, so I asked a couple of dear friends of mine what helped them heal:
All of the Brene Brown books!
The Overcomers Edge by Paul Psicka
Podcast: 3 in 30 Podcast Episode #68: Healing After Betrayal in Your Marriage
Doing Things
…and not just doing things, but doing things for yourself.
When I needed to heal emotionally, I turned to running. My overall focus turned to training for a running race, and all the fine details that went along with that like planning my next workouts, structuring my runs for the greatest physical benefit, analyzing my running form, tweaking my nutrition, etc. Beyond that big picture focus, my daily runs also offered me time to clear my mind, process grief, and literally and emotionally move forward.
Photo by Andrew Tanglao on Unsplash
Another friend of mine told me that when she felt her weakest, she resolved to do one thing every day that scared her. Sometimes it was giving a compliment to a stranger. Other times it was pushing herself physically in a difficult workout. A couple times it was traveling to the other side of the world for a last-minute humanitarian project. She grew through these experiences every single day.
Sometimes doing things for yourself means buying yourself a treat on the way home for work or booking a visit to the spa. Other times it means doing your taxes or washing all the dishes in the sink. Whatever it is, do something for yourself every single day. Even the smallest things add up over time and can help you build confidence, feel happier and stronger, and be a beautiful part of your recovery.
Conclusion
I worked through my trauma through engaging in therapy, participating in a support group (if you ladies are reading this, know that there is a special place in my heart for you, and I love you forever), feeling less alone through books, podcasts, and Beyonce’s brilliant and gut-wrenchingly relatable “Lemonade,” and running ‘til endorphins kicked in, and then running some more. These days my recovery is less about managing triggers and more about not repeating those old patterns of codependency in relationships. It’s about remembering my worth, holding my own, keeping my boundaries, and walking away when I need to.
You may have some big decisions coming up, like whether to stay or to leave, or even whether or not to get out of bed tomorrow. Regardless of any choices you make moving forward though, you will have to do the work to heal. You could run away and start a whole new life, and you’ll still have to do the work to heal. You can work endlessly to forgive and forget with your partner, and you’ll still need to do your own work to heal.
I can promise you though, this is the best work you will ever do for your life.
—
*Research shows that those who experience trauma that includes betrayal show more symptoms of physical illness, anxiety, dissociation, and depression than individuals whose trauma does not include betrayal, like those who have been in car accidents, etc. (Freyd, Klest & Allard 2005).
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
Everly, George S. Jr. (2018), “The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal: Why it hurts so much and seven ways you can heal.” Psychology Today, Posted 8 June 2018.
Freyd, Jennifer J., Bridget Klest & Carolyn B. Allard (2005) Betrayal Trauma: Relationship to Physical Health, Psychological Distress, and a Written Disclosure Intervention, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6:3, 83-104.
Smith-Marek, E. N., Durtschi, J., Brown, C., & Dharnidharka, P. (2016). Exercise and diet as potential moderators between trauma, posttraumatic stress, depression, and relationship quality among emerging adults. American Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 53–66. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2016.1145080
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Thud! I closed my eyes and took a breath, hoping the glass bowl would still be sitting on the shelf. I opened my eyes and to my horror, it was shattered in a million pieces on the floor.
Just moments before, I was casually pushing my son in the shopping cart through a crowded store. Other shoppers lined the aisles looking for the best after Christmas deals. As I found some items I was interested in, I stopped the cart and beginning rummaging through the table of things. With people all around, I noticed my son pulling a glass bowl off the counter. Quickly I turned around and caught his arm. “You weren’t fast enough this time!” I said, laughing. He shot me a wicked smile as I placed the bowl back on the table. I then grabbed the handles of the cart and began to push him away. With lightning speed he shot his hand back towards the bowl and knocked it off the table. Thud!
Embarrassed, I quickly got on the ground and started to pick up the pieces. Pausing momentarily, I looked around hoping that someone would come to my aid. To my dismay, the other shoppers that were just feet from me a few seconds before had completely vanished. I tried to gather as many pieces as I could and then quickly found some workers, who told me not to worry about it.
One of the benefits of living in our day and age is the way technology allows us to be connected with people everywhere. In the 21st century, you can call someone across the globe and speak in real-time. Social media, hashtags and optimized search engines help you find thousands of people with similar interests to you in a matter of seconds. Unfortunately, this boom of technology has also contributed to decreasing connectivity in our real life, face-to-face communities. I’d like to think that many of the people in the store that day might have shared one of those “feel good stories” that often find their way onto our Facebook news feeds… but when it came down to it in the real world, every single one of them walked away from an opportunity to reach out and serve a total stranger. Have we forgotten what it actually means to be a part of a community?
Photo from pexels.com
A Thought from the Ancients
Aristotle begins one of his most famous books with an account of how communities developed among our ancestors. First, he claims that individuals combine into pairs because they cannot “exist without one another”. These pairs then reproduce and create households for the purpose of sustaining daily life. As the family expands, multiple families join together into villages. Because the group is now larger, people can specialize in their abilities (cooking food, killing animals, medicine, etc.) and life becomes more comfortable. The most important change, however, is when several villages come together and form a city:
“(The city) reaches a level of full self-sufficiency, so to speak; and while coming into being for the sake of living, it exists for the sake of living well” (Aristotle).
Photo from pexels.com
What does it mean to live well? For many of us, that means having a modest home, professional success, and satisfaction in family life. To Aristotle, however, it meant fulfilling our telos, or purpose. What is our purpose as humans, then? I won’t go into all the political theory that Aristotle would want me to, but he basically argues the purpose of our life is eudaimonia (happiness) through the constant, active pursuit of virtue. Aristotle goes onto say,
“Any polis [city with government] which is truly so called, and is not merely one in name, must devote itself to the end of encouraging goodness. Otherwise, a political association sinks into a mere alliance… otherwise, too, law becomes a mere covenent… ‘a guarantor of men’s rights against one another’ – instead of being, as it should be, a rule of life such as will make the members of a polis good and just.”
Do our communities and governments encourage goodness? Do our current community cultures, standards, and laws help to make all of us better and more honorable people? I’d like to think in many ways they do, but personally I’ve noticed a disturbing trend of selfishness among citizens, politicians, and laws alike.
According to Aristotle, it is our privilege and responsibility to encourage goodness, fight for justice, and partake in the happiness of life with the members of our community. While Aristotle was focusing on the political nature of communities, his words apply to nearly any way you think about the people around you. A community can be as small as the people who live on your street, attend your church, or live in your neighborhood. They can also be as large as your state, country, or even planet. As you think about community, I hope you realize the impact you can have on it, and the impact it can have on you.
CommUNITY: Part of a Healthy Routine
Did you know that time and time again, research finds various health benefits to community belonging? People who feel connected to their community are more likely to report more positive mental health (Palis, Marchand, & Oviedo-Joekes, 2018). Not only that, but they are also more likely to report better physical health (Ross, 2002). Even after taking other variables into account, researchers find that people who report ties to the community actually experience lower rates of disease and death than those who don’t (Berkman & Syme, 1979).
Photo by Daan Stevens on Unsplash
These benefits only come as you put yourself out there. In 2019, it’s easier than ever to hide away from the world and live in social isolation. Being a part of your community requires branching out. Sometimes it requires sacrificing the easy, comfortable, and routine for the difficult and unfamiliar. But like Aristotle said, the end goal is happiness. By being an active member of your community, you can help others find happiness and experience it for yourself along the way. How can you be a better member of your community? A few simple examples:
*Neighborhood/apartment complex: It’s as easy as a smile or wave. Reach out, get to know the people around you! Go to neighborhood events and say hello to others. You might be wishing someone would say hello to you… but turns out, that’s what everyone is actually hoping for!
*City/State: Find groups or clubs that meet for things you enjoy, like choir, dancing, babywearing, basketball, etc. Support local farmers markets or trade shows.
*Political: Get informed about the candidates, laws, etc. VOTE. Share your beliefs and ask others about theirs.
*Online: Support a friend’s new blog. Like, subscribe, and share posts of a growing community page (like ours :D).
Be the hero in someone else’s shopping cart tragedy. For the next week, look for small ways to serve others, especially those you don’t know. Put yourself out there! If you are intentional about serving others, opportunities will arise. Strive to meet them instead of running away! We can’t wait to hear about your experiences.
References
Berkman, L. F., Syme L. (1979). Social networks, host resistance, and mortality: a nine-year follow-up study of Alameda County residents. American Journal of Epidemiology, 109, 186-204.
Palis, H., Marchand, K., & Oviedo-Joekes, E. (2018). The relationship between sense of community belonging and self-rated mental health among Canadians with mental or substance use disorders. Journal of Mental Health, 1-8.
Ross, N. (2002) Community belonging and health. Health Reports, 13(3).
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution? How long did you stick with it before life got in the way?
It happens to all of us. We have grand plans of things we are going to accomplish, but then something happens, and we never reach our goal. Why not?
Often, it is because the actual goal we set was lacking in some way. Research shows that there are attributes of goal setting that make us more likely to achieve our goals. That is why SMART goals have become so popular in recent years. Originally based on the goal setting theory of Locke and Latham, SMART is a convenient acronym for some of the attributes that goals should have if we want to actually achieve them. While there is not complete uniformity in the words different organizations use to fit to the acronym, I have chosen those words that research best supports.
Photo by Abigail Low on Unsplash
S – Specific: Making a goal specific is the first, and potentially most important, factor in effective goal setting. Research shows that specific goals lead to higher performance than vague, abstract, or no goals. So, while goals like, “be more grateful for what I have” are well-intentioned, they need to be more specific to actually make them happen. For example: Every evening, I will write down 3 things I am grateful for from that day. That is a goal where you can actually see a way to follow through.
M – Motivation: If you don’t have a reason behind your goal that means something to you, why are you setting the goal? You need to have some form of motivation if you are going to achieve your goal, and motivation typically comes from some kind of reward. That can be an external reward, such as a something given to you, or an internal reward, such as a meaningful purpose, an intellectual challenge, or a sense of accomplishment. The most powerful motivations usually include a combination of internal and external rewards. Pick a reward for achieving your goal that is meaningful to you – make sure it is something that will be motivating even when your goal seems most challenging.
A – Accountable: If you are setting good goals, but you’re struggling to stick with them, you may need someone to hold you accountable. Accountability has been found to result in significantly higher goals being reached than when there is no accountability. It is also important to pick an accountability partner who won’t let you make excuses. While there can be valid reasons for not achieving your goal, you need an accountability partner who sets the bar high for what counts or doesn’t count as valid.
R – Realistic & Relevant: I couldn’t pick just one word for the R, because both realistic goals and relevant goals are very important. Realistic goals are challenging, yet achievable given your current circumstances. If there’s no hope of success, motivation is hard to find — so set goals you can realistically succeed at. Relevant goals also help with motivation to stick with your goals. Relevant goals are sub-goals to larger, overarching goals you have in your life. While doing something just for the sake of accomplishment can be fun, motivation to stick with a goal is often found when succeeding at the goal will be useful to you in the future. Reading all the books on the New York Times Top 10 list may be a fun way to read things you might otherwise not, but making your own list of books to read that have information useful for your personal life is more relevant and gives you more reason to actually read them.
T – Time-bound: Give yourself a deadline. It gives you motivation to get it done, and when you’ve succeeded, you can set a new SMART goal relevant to one of your overarching life goals.
Set a SMART goal for the New Year, for any area of your life! Write it down and decide now what you are going to do to achieve your goal. And remember, your deadline doesn’t have to be the end of the year. You can do a smaller goal each month that adds up to something big.
Bonus Challenge:Set a SMART goal that relates specifically to improving one of your personal relationships. Keep an eye out for our monthly calendars over the next few months for ideas for what you can do each day to make your relationships more meaningful!
References
Frink, D. D. & Ferris, G. R. (1998). Accountability, impression management, and goal setting in the performance evaluation process. Human Relations, 51(10), 1259-1283.
Locke, E. A. & Latham, G. P. (1990). A theory of goal setting and task performance. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Locke, E., & Latham, G. P. (2019). Reply to commentaries on “The development of goal setting theory: A half century retrospective.” Motivation Science, 5(2), 114–115. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/mot0000145
MacLeod, L. (2012, March-April). Making SMART goals smarter. Physician Executive, 38(2), 68+.
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
This week, express your true feelings to yourself and those around you. Be unapologetic in your emotions. Hold space for yourself, even if you don’t think what you feel is logical or valid. Practice holding nonjudgmental space for others as well. Record your realizations that arise from this emotional embrace.
