Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

The #metoo campaign of a month ago left me thinking about my own experiences, and the experiences of many of my loved ones.

Sexual assault strips lives in a way that nothing else can, leaving a victim with an intense sense of loss, devaluation, confusion, pain, and often shame. Now that I have used the word ‘victim’, I want to stray from it, and use the term ‘survivor’ from this point forward.

There are many circumstances in which sexual abuse occurs, but because most survivors are abused as minors, I will speak about healing from CSA (child sexual abuse).

Seek Therapy

First, therapy is an important part of healing. Therapists can help survivors process through the trauma and make peace with it (Duvall et al., 2020). They also can work with the families of survivors to help them understand how they can be supportive and empathic while still maintaining healthy boundaries (Eék et al., 2020). This process is especially important when a survivor of CSA is preparing to get married, or enter into a significant, romantic relationship.

When one has been abused as a child, their beliefs about sex, pleasure and their body change. Survivors are at great risk of becoming either 1) promiscuous, subconsciously searching for love and attachment in unhealthy ways, or 2) abstinent out of fear, wanting to avoid sex altogether (Deliramich & Gray, 2008).

I know of a couple who had been married for twenty plus years. She had been sexually abused when she was a young child, and still, twenty years later, because she and her husband had not received any kind of treatment, having sex was a traumatic experience for her – every single time. Consequently, sex was a bi-annual occasion. Being able to be close to her husband was mentally draining. The couple began to see a therapist regularly. She was able to process through her abuse, and he was able to understand her needs, fears and the two began to develop a healthy sexual relationship.

For those who are preparing to have a sexual relationship with their partners, I strongly encourage premarital counseling (I endorse it anyway, but even more so in this case). A therapist will help the survivor be more comfortable with the sexual experience. He/she will also help the partner be more aware of the survivor’s triggers.

A note: therapy takes time. It is not a magical fix, and requires work. It does work, but only as much as you choose to.

Create a Sexual Script

I tell this to everyone considering becoming sexually active in a relationship, but it is especially important in cases of CSA. Create a sexual script. This script outlines in detail what sex will be like the first few times, from undressing, to foreplay, to penetration, and so on. Sex at first needs to be slow. It is not a race, it is about intimacy. Creating a script helps the abused know what is up – it removes the element of surprise, and therefore a significant amount of stress. It helps the partner know what is safe to do and not to do. This script minimizes the chances of re-traumatizing the survivor. And don’t worry, this script does not need to be followed every time. As the couple becomes comfortable with each other, and as a bond of safety, trust and comfort is built, there will be plenty of room for exploring. Having said that, communicate.

Communicate Needs

A couple’s sex life reflects the quality of their relationship. Conversely, the couple’s relationship directly reflects the quality of their sex life (Fallis et al., 2014). In other words, if your sex life is not great, your relationship needs repair. But if your relationship is struggling, your sex life could use some work. Being on the same page about sex is important.

Sexual intimacy consists of two people, with vastly different needs and ideas. It is important that those needs and ideas are communicated.

As a survivor myself, I remember the first time I had a panic attack during sex. My husband did nothing wrong, though he thought he did and felt terrible. I remember him holding me and soothing me. When I was calm, I processed through what had triggered me and why I had felt unsafe. My husband did not blame me for ruining what could have been a romantic evening. He did not tell me to get over it. He was understanding, and asked what he could do differently in the future. After that terrifying experience, I found myself hesitating to be sexually intimate, not realizing that my not putting out was negatively effecting my husband, and consequently our relationship. He communicated to me that he wanted to feel close to me, and felt disconnected. We were able to have a conversation to help us get on track again. This worked, and our funk only lasted a few weeks because he communicated with me, and I with him.

Take Accountability

Survivors sometimes sabotage their relationships. The unconscious belief tends to be that because of the way someone treated them, they cannot trust others, and therefore others must be kept at a distance. Many also add to that working belief that they are damaged goods because of the abuse, and so who could really want and value them?

Survivors need to be aware of this, recognize when they are falling into this trap, and work themselves out of it. Sometimes processing through this with their partner is sufficient, sometimes it requires a therapeutic process. And sometimes, it just requires that the survivor pull himself/herself up, stop playing the victim, and get to work.

What it comes down to, is that a survivor is not responsible for their sexual abuse. It is not their fault. Period. That being the case, survivors are responsible for taking part in the healing process and relationships following. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control what you do because of it. Not allowing people to come close to you, or refusing to let yourself accept love, is an unhealthy, sad, and unfortunate choice.

Sexual intimacy is beautiful, and important. The bonding that takes place is unparalleled. A couple gets to create their own sexual relationship, and it always take time.  The time is worth it.

References

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.