Though Valentine’s Day is a day to share and express love to significant others, it also carries the obligation for romance and gift-giving which can be stressful, particularly to men (Otnes, et al., 1994). Gift-giving is symbolic. Gifts are representations of the emotions and meanings we attach to our relationships and the people we share them with (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011). The awareness of this symbolism (even if subconscious) combined with the obligation surrounding Valentine’s Day, can increase the pressure.
Why the anxiety?
Questions of whether gifts are sufficient, significant and meaningful enough actually call into question our sense of identity. Believe it or not, when we give gifts, we are outwardly expressing our identities. In fact, studies have shown that people buy gifts that are congruent with their identity, and when they buy gifts contrary to that representation, even mildly (like a gift on someone’s registry), they experience anxiety and question their sense of identity security. This is why we experience stress around gift-giving (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011).
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Naturally, the gift-receiver experiences anxiety when a gift from someone doesn’t match their identity. Receivers of gifts are expected to be polite and accepting. Gifts are generally a representation of what someone thinks of us. When we receive a gift that is an identity mismatch, we question why the giver gave us that particular gift, usually subconsciously (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011, Ruffle, 1999). Receiving gifts is emotional: while surprise and joy are examples of the ideal, pride, embarrassment or disappointment are also emotions receivers may have to navigate (Ruffle, 1999).
But gifts are still important, so…
Having said all of this, gifts are also a lot of fun and can be incredibly meaningful. Gifts are a manifestation of intimacy, and receiving gifts that depict that furthers a sense of connection and intimacy with partners (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011 & Otnes, et al., 1994). Here are a few simple ways to lessen the pressure around Valentine’s Day gifts.
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1. Simple is often better. Don’t worry about making things extravagant. The thought behind a gift is often more important than the gift itself.
2. Stick to a budget but balance that with sacrifice. People report that gifts a person sacrificed for (not in money necessarily but through time or in the form of service) can be particularly meaningful (Otnes, et al., 1994, Ruffle, 1999). It’s okay to be low-cost, but don’t be cheap. I don’t just mean cheap in terms of dollar signs, but in terms of time and thought. It’s always obvious when someone didn’t put thought into what is supposed to be a meaningful gift.
3. Valentine’s Day is the day to be sentimental and representational, so think about favorite memories or qualities you love about your significant other. Symbols of your relationship are particularly meaningful, dare I even say romantic. Like I said, these things can be simple. If my husband bought me a sleeve of Maria’s cookies and a 2 liter of grape soda and took me to a park to look at the stars or watch fireworks, that wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it would be very special to me.
4. Include self-gifts in your plans (Otnes, 1994). This doesn’t mean be selfish. Planning activities and food you both enjoy can take the pressure off of activities. This principle, not just romance, is part of why couples enjoy sex as a common part of Valentine’s Day festivities (Otnes et al., 1994).
5. If you know that Valentine’s Day or gift-giving creates stress for your partner, give them ideas. Be specific about what you do and don’t want.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy connecting!
Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.
References
Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509–527. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x
Otnes, C., Ruth J.A., & Milbourne, C.C. (1994). “The Pleasure and Pain of Being Close: Men’s Mixed Feelings About Participation in Valentine’s Day Gift Exchange”, in NA – Advances in Consumer Research Volume 21, eds. Chris T. Allen and Deborah Roedder John, Provo, UT: Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 159-164.
Ruffle, B. J. (1999). Gift giving with emotions. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 39(4), 399–420. https://doi-10.1016/s0167-2681(99)00048-7
Ward, M. K., & Broniarczyk, S. M. (2011). It’s Not Me, It’s You: How Gift Giving Creates Giver Identity Threat as a Function of Social Closeness. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(1), 164–181. https://doi-10.1086/658166
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!
What is the Reality Phase?
Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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So what is love?
You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.
What’s next?
I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.
How?
Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This so called ‘newlywed crash course’ is by no means just for newlyweds! No matter where you are in your journey, this process is applicable to all and is most effective when re-examined often.
Congratulations! Your journey as Mr. and Mrs. has officially begun! As the sea of wedding presents and wrapping paper subsides, you can begin to unpack and settle into your new life together. In the coming weeks, you may begin to notice differences in what ‘baggage’ you and your partner have brought along for the journey. Sorting through this baggage – whether it be emotional, habitual, or preferential can either help or hinder your new marriage relationship. While this process of sorting and replacing baggage may be challenging, it can also be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow closer as a couple!
Sort It
Believe it or not, much of the baggage we bring to marriage has already been packed for us. Our bags are full of silly quirks, helpful and harmful habits, behaviors, values, strengths, weaknesses…etc. These items have been acquired through years of exposure to unique family dynamics, education, societal norms, and subcultures that influence how we view and interact with our world. Our suitcases, while individual, are largely made up of things we never consciously chose to pack ourselves. Because these items are formed over time, many are deeply rooted and difficult to recognize within ourselves. Often it takes another person (like a spouse) to help us identify such baggage and initiate the sorting process. This recognition and change in perspective is known as a ‘paradigm shift’ as it fundamentally ‘shifts’ the way we view ourselves and our relationships. Sorting is exactly that – a paradigm shift.
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While ‘baggage’ generally has a negative connotation, it is not inherently good or bad. Many of the traits, habits, or mannerisms are favorable but when placed in the context of the new marriage relationship, are simply incompatible. An amusing example of this occurred when my husband Cameron and I were on a road trip early in our marriage. Cameron had been driving for hours and we still had many more to go. I noticed he was starting to get tired and told him I’d drive the next leg to give him a break. He kindly shrugged it off and continued to drive the remainder of the trip despite my incessant offering to take a turn. By the time we got to our destination, it was obvious that he was exhausted and a bit irritable. I asked him why he hadn’t let me drive and he finally explained, “Cause’ I’m the man and it is the man’s job to drive!” We immediately began to laugh as we both realized how silly this sounded. Together we recognized our two divergent views (baggage) on long distance driving – one from my family culture of “everyone takes a turn”, and the other from Cameron’s family culture of “the man muscles through.” While neither view was wrong, they certainly were incompatible. Together we decided that taking turns was the safer option and road trips are much more enjoyable now!
The paradigm shift of sorting baggage best facilitates change when couples consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success. Stephen R. Covey wrote, “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart.” He drives the point home with, “Don’t push; be patient; be respectful.”
Replace It
Sorting without the action of replacing baggage is ineffective, and the way in which you choose to go about this as a couple can either make or break your marriage in a very literal sense. Researchers have discovered that the first three minutes of a marital discussion is a strong predictor of happiness in the relationship. ‘Baggage conversations’ when met with kindness and understanding are indicative of continued compatibility in marriage as your relationship grows. Similarly, when such discussions commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates.
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When a deeply ingrained habit or characteristic is uprooted, a void is created. If that void is not deliberately replaced with an agreed-upon change, couples may discover that the objectionable baggage repeatedly turns up unannounced. A conscious, consistent effort over time will forge new habits, attitudes, and values that can transform and improve future behavior, and will help the couple learn to work together as a team. There are no shortcuts to replacing baggage. This is part of the ‘hard work’ of marriage. It is a purposeful practice that should not be rushed or left unattended. As your relationship matures, new unsuspected items may appear from time to time, but your established habit of addressing them constructively, coupled with deepening trust and commitment levels, will ensure successful resolutions.
While there is growth and progress, there is no actual “arriving” on this journey. Happiness and satisfaction in your relationship are discovered and enjoyed throughout the journey of marriage as you continually meet at baggage claim.
Self-Evaluation:
Does my spouse feel safe unloading their baggage?
Am I listening to my spouse with the intent to understand?
Do I approach ‘baggage conversations’ with kindness and patience?
Do I regularly point out the positive baggage I admire in my spouse?
Do I regularly sort through my own baggage?
Am I willing to make necessary changes that will improve my marriage?
References
Covey, Stephen R. (1989) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Frisby, B. N., Sidelinger, R. J., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2015). No harm, no foul: A social exchange perspective on individual and relational outcomes associated with relational baggage. Western Journal of Communication, 79(5), 555–572. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10570314.2015.1075585
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family,60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Tramm, N. L. (2005). Claiming your baggage. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 33(4), 317–318.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
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For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
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For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
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6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
I should probably start by telling how my wife Rian and I met. On a whim, we both tried out for a local community theater production of “Les Miserables.” We were both cast in the ensemble. I was a nasty sailor, she was a prostitute. It was meant to be. I noticed immediately how crystal clear and spot on her voice was during our rehearsal. I’ve never heard her hit a wrong note to this day. She was also hysterical. Stunning girls who aren’t afraid to look ridiculous flopping around onstage are the most attractive, by the way. Needless to say she took a chance on me, and four years later we are now married with a terrific little baby.
Let me preface this post by saying I am in no way an authority on the subject of mental illness. What I share here are simply experiences from my own life in learning about and learning to love someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. If something I share here resonates with you and you’re willing to give it a shot, then go for it!
#1 Be willing to learn (ask questions!)
In our first couple of conversations while we were getting to know each other (and making “goo goo eyes”), it eventually came up that Ri had come home early from serving an LDS mission due to anxiety and depression. Let me first say how brave this was of her to share that with a guy she hardly knew. She wanted to be upfront and honest. She was not worried that she would come across as “broken” or “not strong enough” or a dozen other incorrect labels we place on individuals with mental illness. There was a lot of trust shown on her end. Over the years prior, I had developed an attitude that a lot of mental illnesses could be solved by simply “getting over it” or just pushing through. I didn’t grow up in a home where any of us really struggled with these things (although I’ve since learned that my grandmother battled bi-polar disorder her whole life). I was so head-over-heels for this girl, though, I was willing to give up what I thought I already “knew” about the subject and undergo a paradigm shift. I sincerely wanted to know how things were for her. How did she feel when she had a panic attack? What set things off? What coping mechanisms did she have? How did she come to accept that it was something she struggled with? The more questions I asked, the more I learned, and the more I could try and understand. If you want to love someone more, learn more about them. Let your love motivate you to ask questions. They won’t be offended if you’re coming from a sincere place. You’ll grow closer together as a result.
#2 Don’t treat them as “fragile”
Nobody wants to be thought of as a crazy person who could break down at any second. When it comes to building a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness, there shouldn’t be a “walking on eggshells” mentality. That’s not good for either of you. If anything, that just makes those with mental illness more nervous and unable to be themselves. In our relationship, that has been the most important thing to my wife – she feels she can always be herself around me. We can go out and have a good time doing pretty much anything (except whistling… she can’t whistle to save her life!). We have developed good enough communication over time that if I sense something might be triggering her anxiety, we’ll take a break and go sit quietly at a park, or take a cuddle break for a bit. But we never let those things control our lives. There’s something to be said for the old English WWII sign “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Don’t worry about the next potential “bomb of distress” that may go off. Be prepared for them (that’s where your “calm” will come from.), but still go out and live your life.
#3 Serve them
Now, inevitably, those “bombs of distress” will hit your loved one. However, it is possible to prepare for those times. In our many conversations, Rian has learned about and told me what she needs during a low point. Taking a walk, or being held sitting on a couch focusing on her breathing, to name a few (for some people it can be the opposite – they don’t like any physical contact – so just be sure to learn what works for your loved one). Whatever the remedy is for each episode, I always try to keep things calm. When the distress finally passes, it often leaves Rian completely exhausted. Foot rubs, massages, making a meal for her, playing her favorite music or putting on a movie she likes are all helpful things that allow her to decompress. I love doing these things for her. I realize that if you have a larger family, it’s not as easy to take time to do these things. Panic attack’s don’t arrive at convenient times. But whenever they do occur, I try to find some way to serve my sweetheart (even if it’s just a phone to call check-in because I’m stuck at work). In our relationship in general, I’ve tried to follow the wise council Merlin gave to King Arthur in regards to his relationship with Queen Guinevere: “Love her. Simply love her.”
#4 Understand that you can’t fix everything
Before I was married, I thought that my job as a husband and father was to make sure my wife and kids were never sad. But I’ve discovered that’s an impossible task. I can’t bubble-wrap my family to protect them from every single hardship, and that includes mental anguish. Its so difficult when there isn’t a physical “booboo” I can see to kiss better. There’s no quick-fix band aid you can place on mental illness. These battles can be long laborious affairs with frequent ups and downs. And a lot of times, all you can do is hold your loved one’s hand. It’s their own personal boxing match in which they face an intimidating foe. But luckily, they’ve got you and many others in their corner giving them water, first aid, and constant words of encouragement that they can beat this thing. It was the same way when Rian was in labor with our baby. I’ve never felt more powerless in my life. But I marveled at how strong she became during that time. And she, all by herself, accomplished one of the most difficult tasks a human being can do. So, as much as we want to constantly protect our loved ones from any pain and grief, we can’t expect that from ourselves. When you feel powerless to help, remember that it isn’t your job to take away the hurt. It IS your job, however, to be there through it all. Allow these trials to help you find opportunities to serve each other and grow closer together.
Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
