Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!
What is the Reality Phase?
Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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So what is love?
You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.
What’s next?
I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.
How?
Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
While dining in a Chicago restaurant, I learned the life story of our waiter.
His father owned a lucrative business for many years but went bankrupt. He was not legally obligated to pay back his debts, but this elderly waiter told us how he witnessed his father sacrifice the rest of his life to pay his creditors and die with a peaceful conscience. He lingered at our table, practically sitting down to eat with us, because his father’s story was so compelling.
How we ‘do-do’ it wrong
The father in this story became a hero to his son, not by being perfect, but by being perfectly flawed. It is hard to admit to our mistakes and make reparation. Most adults in leadership positions, whether in the workplace or as the head of the home, have the responsibility of maintaining control.
The status of being in charge suggests that all those under us should trust our judgment. As a result, we hide our flaws. We pretend to know always what is best. We tend to elevate our status to the “we can do no wrong” level in fear of losing the confidence of others.
Forbes magazine argues this is a dangerous belief because “it backs a leader into defending their poor choices, even when they themselves have come to recognize they were wrong.” The truth is we do do wrong, and that gets us in plenty of do-do when we try to cover it up.
Scientists call this cognitive dissonance: the tension you feel when you are mentally out of balance. Non-scientists, namely children, call this hypocrisy. It’s when our actions are in conflict with what we know to be wrong.
For example, I know eating too much cake is bad for me, but I just can’t resist another piece, and another, until it’s gone. As a result, I’m internally conflicted with a stomachache to boot.
As parents, we make mistakes all the time, but we make it worse when we lie about it: “No, I didn’t eat all your Halloween candy.” We cover it up because we crave cognitive consonance, or balance again in the universe (dad = hero). We don’t want our children to know we have trouble controlling our passions. We want them to still look up to us on the parental pedestal (the one use used to climb on to reach the candy up in the cupboard).
Chances are, however, that our hypocrisy will be discovered sooner or later, and we will fall — and fall hard. It will be difficult to regain our child’s trust.
The 3 benefits of owning up
The healthy way to create consonance again is not to justify or lie, but to admit our mistakes: to come clean. Flawed parents are the best tutors because they can use personal mistakes to teach their children how to tell the truth. When our children hear and see us owning up to our mistakes they learn:
1. No one is perfect, and that’s a good thing.
A comforting thought is “no one is perfect … that’s why pencils have erasers.” Children need to see that we are trying to do our best, but when we slip up, that’s OK. Just apologize (sincerely) and get on with it. Rather than wringing our hands and becoming paralyzed with perfectionism, making a mistake once in a while reminds us we are human and allows others to make mistakes too. What a relief! You mean, you’re not perfect either? Families thrive best when they are filled with humans, not super humans or robots. I can love and be loved best when I am real, flawed, and vulnerable.
2. Mistakes are the tutors for growth.
Authors Tavris and Aronson said, “Learn to see mistakes not as terrible personal failings to be denied or justified, but as inevitable aspects of life that help us grow, and grow up.”
I’m reminded of an elementary school teacher who would do something wrong, and in front of her students she would chirp, “Oops! I made a mistake,” and then fix it in their view. She taught the children that the classroom is a safe place to experiment, take risks, and learn from their mistakes.
Dr. Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, stated, “Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.”
A home can provide the exposure to those realities. Imagine being the mom of Thomas Edison, who replied when asked about the failure of creating the light bulb: “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it won’t work.”
3. To take responsibility for our actions.
We see less and less of taking responsibility from leaders in businesses, politics and in communities. If they do, it’s with a vague “mistakes were made.”
We need more role models who state, “I did that and I take full responsibility. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.” Honesty. How refreshing. What better lesson can we teach our children than shouldering up to the consequences of our actions?
The best part of a parent taking responsibility is when a child has the opportunity to watch how the parent goes about making it right. That’s where the real work is done. “Oh, boy. I just ran over a sprinkler head with the car. I’m going to need to get a new part and install it tomorrow.” Then enjoy taking the time to teach your child how to install a new sprinkler head.
Honest effort after an honest mistake engenders trust and esteem from our children. Flawed parents need not fear mistakes, but draw out the human lessons we can learn from them. Mistakes authenticate us as tutors.
The waiter in the Chicago restaurant? I’ve never been so touched at the apparent admiration a son had for his father. Even in his advanced years, he was proud to wait tables for a living, feeling his father’s approval at every table.
Homework:
Option 1: Think about a time when you have made a mistake – preferably something that wasn’t too life-altering or upsetting to you. Think about what you learned from that mistake, and share about the experience with your child.
Option 2: Have a discussion with someone you love about the pitfalls of perfectionism, and how allowing ourselves to make mistakes can be a good thing. For help, take a look at this article by Aubrey Hartshorn.
Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. Orlando: Harcourt.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website www.aspoonfulofparenting.com, where she writes articles on the joys, challenges and power of parenting.
This so called ‘newlywed crash course’ is by no means just for newlyweds! No matter where you are in your journey, this process is applicable to all and is most effective when re-examined often.
Congratulations! Your journey as Mr. and Mrs. has officially begun! As the sea of wedding presents and wrapping paper subsides, you can begin to unpack and settle into your new life together. In the coming weeks, you may begin to notice differences in what ‘baggage’ you and your partner have brought along for the journey. Sorting through this baggage – whether it be emotional, habitual, or preferential can either help or hinder your new marriage relationship. While this process of sorting and replacing baggage may be challenging, it can also be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow closer as a couple!
Sort It
Believe it or not, much of the baggage we bring to marriage has already been packed for us. Our bags are full of silly quirks, helpful and harmful habits, behaviors, values, strengths, weaknesses…etc. These items have been acquired through years of exposure to unique family dynamics, education, societal norms, and subcultures that influence how we view and interact with our world. Our suitcases, while individual, are largely made up of things we never consciously chose to pack ourselves. Because these items are formed over time, many are deeply rooted and difficult to recognize within ourselves. Often it takes another person (like a spouse) to help us identify such baggage and initiate the sorting process. This recognition and change in perspective is known as a ‘paradigm shift’ as it fundamentally ‘shifts’ the way we view ourselves and our relationships. Sorting is exactly that – a paradigm shift.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
While ‘baggage’ generally has a negative connotation, it is not inherently good or bad. Many of the traits, habits, or mannerisms are favorable but when placed in the context of the new marriage relationship, are simply incompatible. An amusing example of this occurred when my husband Cameron and I were on a road trip early in our marriage. Cameron had been driving for hours and we still had many more to go. I noticed he was starting to get tired and told him I’d drive the next leg to give him a break. He kindly shrugged it off and continued to drive the remainder of the trip despite my incessant offering to take a turn. By the time we got to our destination, it was obvious that he was exhausted and a bit irritable. I asked him why he hadn’t let me drive and he finally explained, “Cause’ I’m the man and it is the man’s job to drive!” We immediately began to laugh as we both realized how silly this sounded. Together we recognized our two divergent views (baggage) on long distance driving – one from my family culture of “everyone takes a turn”, and the other from Cameron’s family culture of “the man muscles through.” While neither view was wrong, they certainly were incompatible. Together we decided that taking turns was the safer option and road trips are much more enjoyable now!
The paradigm shift of sorting baggage best facilitates change when couples consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success. Stephen R. Covey wrote, “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart.” He drives the point home with, “Don’t push; be patient; be respectful.”
Replace It
Sorting without the action of replacing baggage is ineffective, and the way in which you choose to go about this as a couple can either make or break your marriage in a very literal sense. Researchers have discovered that the first three minutes of a marital discussion is a strong predictor of happiness in the relationship. ‘Baggage conversations’ when met with kindness and understanding are indicative of continued compatibility in marriage as your relationship grows. Similarly, when such discussions commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates.
Photo by Thomas Couillard on Unsplash
When a deeply ingrained habit or characteristic is uprooted, a void is created. If that void is not deliberately replaced with an agreed-upon change, couples may discover that the objectionable baggage repeatedly turns up unannounced. A conscious, consistent effort over time will forge new habits, attitudes, and values that can transform and improve future behavior, and will help the couple learn to work together as a team. There are no shortcuts to replacing baggage. This is part of the ‘hard work’ of marriage. It is a purposeful practice that should not be rushed or left unattended. As your relationship matures, new unsuspected items may appear from time to time, but your established habit of addressing them constructively, coupled with deepening trust and commitment levels, will ensure successful resolutions.
While there is growth and progress, there is no actual “arriving” on this journey. Happiness and satisfaction in your relationship are discovered and enjoyed throughout the journey of marriage as you continually meet at baggage claim.
Self-Evaluation:
Does my spouse feel safe unloading their baggage?
Am I listening to my spouse with the intent to understand?
Do I approach ‘baggage conversations’ with kindness and patience?
Do I regularly point out the positive baggage I admire in my spouse?
Do I regularly sort through my own baggage?
Am I willing to make necessary changes that will improve my marriage?
References
Covey, Stephen R. (1989) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Frisby, B. N., Sidelinger, R. J., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2015). No harm, no foul: A social exchange perspective on individual and relational outcomes associated with relational baggage. Western Journal of Communication, 79(5), 555–572. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10570314.2015.1075585
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family,60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Tramm, N. L. (2005). Claiming your baggage. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 33(4), 317–318.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
John Gottman, one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, has studied couples for decades. Thousands of couples have been observed at what he calls his “Love Lab” located in Seattle, WA. Over the years, Dr. Gottman has found patterns within marital relationships that he claims allow him to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a marriage will last. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman outlines four warning signs that he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – things that are key in helping determine the health of a relationship. If you find yourself and/or your partner frequently falling into any of these habits, it might be time to take a relationship inventory and consider getting some help.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism is the act of attacking your partner’s character – who they are, not just something they’ve done. Criticism alone does not predict divorce or even serious marital problems. In fact, I know I’ve been guilty of this before! When we are frustrated or angry, we can often make the mistake of attacking the person we love rather than identifying the action that has hurt or offended us. Practicing using “I Statements” can help us to get away from this negative pattern of communication that is often a gateway to the other horsemen.
Example: “You are always late! I hate how lazy and inconsiderate you are!”
A Better Option: “I felt really hurt when you were late to pick me up from work today and you didn’t call.”
Horseman #2: Contempt
The goal of contempt is to make someone feel less-than. It is used to place you in a position of moral superiority, and to make your partner feel belittled and invalidated. It is not only limited to the words that you say, but can also include tone of voice, body language, and sarcasm. Most importantly, according to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt comes when we hold on to negative thoughts and feelings about our partner. In order to fight these negative thoughts or feelings, practice gratitude in your relationship. Focus on the positive qualities that your partner possesses, and verbally thank them for what they contribute to your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Example: “Oh yeah, right, today was hard for you? All you had to do was go to work, and then you got to come home and watch Netflix. I had to take care of the baby all day, and I had two finals! And now I have two more to study for. Consider yourself lucky that all you have to do is make money.”
A Better Option: “I’m sorry today was hard, sweetheart. I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking care of the baby while I study for my finals. It makes my load a little bit easier to handle.”
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It makes sense that we would get defensive if our partner were to attack our very character! However, it is when a cycle of criticism and defensiveness (leading to contempt) become a habit in a relationship that we find a problem. Practicing criticism and in turn, defensiveness fosters a culture of blame, which can harm any type of relationship. Instead, it is important to practice taking responsibility for your own actions, and striving to help rather than blame each other.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Why didn’t you take out the trash like I asked you?”
Partner 2: “Geez, will you stop nagging? I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss needs right now! Why didn’t you just take it out when the kids were napping?”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot! I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss really needs right now. I will take it out as soon as I’m done.”
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves the complete withdrawal of one partner; when, rather than deal with the confrontation or conflict, the person chooses to shut down, turn away, or stop responding all together. This is different from taking a step back or a “time out” from an issue in order to cool down and avoid saying something you might regret. Instead, this is complete rejection or refusal to interact. When someone stonewalls in an interaction, generally it’s because there is a pattern of the other horsemen in the relationship. Due to a repeated experiencing of criticism or (most likely) contempt, the person feels emotionally flooded (ie. too upset to think clearly), and would rather withdraw than have to deal with the situation. A healthier alternative to stonewalling would be to take some time to cool off emotionally, and then to return to the issue later. During that time, don’t focus on the argument or ruminate on negative thoughts about your partner. Do something that helps you physically and emotionally calm down, like taking a walk, listening to music, or reading. And don’t forget that the return is key! It is okay (and often wise!) to take a break from a conflict IF you agree to come back and discuss the problem later.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Will you look at me when I’m talking to you? I get really frustrated when you shut down like this!”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “I’m feeling really upset right now, and I don’t want to say something I regret. Can we take a break for a little bit and talk about this after dinner?”
It’s in YOUR Hands
The best way to avoid falling into the traps of the four horsemen is for both partners to look inward, and decide what YOU can do to improve your relationship. You can’t expect to control or change your partner, especially when you are using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. What you CAN do, is steadily work towards improving yourself and your contribution to your relationship. Using “I Statements”, practicing gratitude, taking responsibility for your actions, and cooling off when you feel emotionally flooded will help strengthen your relationship, and will keep the apocalypse of divorce far away from your marriage.
References
Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Ringwald, W. R., Stepp, S. D., Lazarus, S. A., Mattia, A. A., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2019). The emotional bank account and the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships of people with borderline personality disorder: A dyadic observational study. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063–1077. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/2167702619830647
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
The honeymoon is over. A few months pass. The sex begins to be a little less frequent, and you no longer want to spend every minute of the day with your partner. You have your first argument. Your partner stops sending you those cheesy texts while you’re at work. You stop cooking as much. Both of you shower and shave a little less. Marriage is not as fun as it used to be.
So the big question is, are you falling out of love?
And the answer is, no. You’ve just hit reality.
Reality in romantic relationships looks a little different for everyone.
The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to eighteen months, and after that, reality hits and you realize that your perfect partner, is actually not perfect. And the butterflies go away. They aren’t even replaced by moths. They’re just gone.
Now the good news, is that after the reality phase, there is this vitality phase where the dust settles, and what’s left is this beautiful, natural, and organic relationship that for the most part has a general, steady flow to it. It is solid, and reliable, and comfortable. But how do you get there? How do you get through the reality phase?
It’s important to remember that you have not fallen out of love. Love is a choice, anyway. It is a stage, and if you remember to choose love, it will pass. Here are some suggestions to help you.
1. Remember to choose your relationship every day.
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Love is a choice, and it does take work. That does not mean it is forced. It is life. My husband and I have made three commitments to each other, and they have made all the difference:
We will never hold sex against each other.
We will always sleep in the same bed, no matter how angry we are. (No sleeping on the couch!)
Divorce is a swear word and is not even to be joked about.
You chose to enter this relationship. Now you need to choose to stay in it. By choosing your relationship, you consciously choose to put your relationship above yourself, and your partner commits to do the same.
2. Listen.
As a couple moves through the reality phase, issues surface. People realize that there are things that drive them a little crazy. They also realize that there are some topics they are not on the same page about. It is important to slow down, listen to what the other person is saying, and try to truly understand their perspective. Validation, empathy and vulnerability are also important here.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
3. Focus on the positive.
Negativity will arise. After all, you’ve discovered that your partner is not perfect. And they have discovered the same about you. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is going wrong. But as a couple remembers the good things – why they love each other, and what they love most about being in that relationship, questions about whether or not they are still in love dissipate.
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4. Nurture your romance.
Your romance has to be nurtured or it will die. We have some suggestions for that too.
Photo by Dahiana Waszaj on Unsplash
Keep courting your partner. I know that is an old fashioned word, but I mean it. Court your partner. So many people stop consistently dating when they get married and begin living together, especially when there are children in the mix. But it is so important to make time for dates. Take turns planning dates, and make sure you are getting at least five hours a week of quality couple time.
Add variety. When nothing ever changes, the relationship can become stale. Try a new restaurant, or turn on some music while you are cleaning the house together. Do something different. Add variety to your sex too. Changes in music, lighting, clothing, location and even positions and intensity can go a long way. Lengthening the foreplay is also important. In some area of your life, change something. Do something different.
Do the little things. In the end, it is the little things that can make the biggest difference. For example, last week, my husband and I were texting back and forth a little while I was at work. I told him that I was tired. My husband pays attention, and knew that I had been wanting to try a new energy drink that had just come out. He surprised me by showing up at work to bring me one. And a clean house is important to my husband, so I clean with him, but also make sure that on my day off, I do at least one thing without being asked to improve the state of the house.
There are certainly many other things – the possibilities are endless. Remember that the most important thing is not to give up. Reality does not mean you has fallen out of love – it is just reality. Keep going. Find your own ways to maintain your relationship. Remember, you and your partner get to create your relationship. Create a beautiful one.
References
Bao, K. J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation in romantic relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(3), 196–206. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17439760.2013.777765
Khoury, C. B., & Findlay, B. M. (2014). What makes for good sex? The associations among attachment style, inhibited communication and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Relationships Research, 5. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/jrr.2014.7
Marshall, D. W., & Anderson, A. S. (2000). Who’s responsible for the food shopping? A study of young Scottish couples in their “honeymoon” period. The International Review of Retail, Distribution and Consumer Research, 10(1), 59–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/095939600342406
Reese-Weber, M. (2015). Intimacy, communication, and aggressive behaviors: Variations by phases of romantic relationship development. Personal Relationships, 22(2), 204–215. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12074
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website 
