If your goal is happiness, you may be doing life wrong.
Of course we all want to be happy. We want our lives and the lives of our loved ones to be filled with happiness. But is that really the goal? Can we ever “achieve” happiness? A plethora of research says, “no”.
Because there is so much more to life than being happy.
Happiness cannot be a viable goal, because it is a fleeting emotion. Emotions don’t last. They come and go. In a recent study, researchers asked one group of participants to prioritize happiness, and another group to prioritize meaning. They evaluated the participants over a period of 12 months. The researchers found that in general the participants focusing on happiness were not happier. They had not met their goal. However, those who had sought meaning reported higher levels of satisfaction, resilience, and hope. Another study on meaning demonstrated that those who reported having highly meaningful lives were more resilient, had better academic and vocational performance, and greater longevity.
Martin Seligman is at the forefront of developing and researching positive psychology. He has discovered that happiness has very little to do with our circumstances. For example, people who win the lottery only experience increased happiness for about 3 months before returning back to their original degree of happiness. And after an average of 6 months of misery, paraplegics report the same degree of happiness as they experienced when they had all of their limbs. Happiness is not about circumstance. And because it is an emotion, it will come and go.
Creating meaning, on the other hand, is a viable and powerful goal, and happiness can actually be a byproduct of creating meaning. Many people talk about finding meaning, but I don’t like that idea because it removes personal ownership. My responsibility isn’t to find meaning and purpose, but to create it. I am the author of my own story. More than that, finding sounds like a happy accident. Creating illustrates that this is work. And it is. Creating a meaningful life is real, hard work.
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In 2011, I was told that I would have to have several major hip surgeries which would end my career as a contemporary dancer. I reacted to the change in circumstances with bitterness and anger. It took two years for me to be back on my feet and reasonably functioning.
On top of that was the loss of a dear friend, and some severe crises within my family. I was a bitter, broken, traumatized shell of a human with no direction and no sense of belonging, and I was so angry because of it.
Eventually I pulled together and began taking my own growth seriously. I studied and read everything I could find. I began seeing a therapist, and then I began volunteering in my community and things really started to look up. I also began building relationships around me, and their connection and support was invaluable. Many of these people literally saved my life, and more importantly, my sense of being. I have developed a great life that I absolutely love. Because life doesn’t have to be perfect to be ideal.
Photo by Aubrey Dawn-Palmer
How do we create meaning? Well, that’s another topic, which I will cover next week. For now, let me say, Meaning is deeper than happiness. According to Martin Seligman, “meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself and developing the best within you.”
Life isn’t about being happy. We all have crises and challenges. Happiness will come and go. But developing a strong sense of meaning helps us thrive within the pain. It connects us to the world in a remarkable way. It gives us direction, gratitude, and I would even say, a sense of awe. Mostly, creating meaning helps us treasure the things that matter most.
Spend the next week examining your life goals and perspective. Are you more concerned about being happy or creating meaning? Identify at least one way to increase meaning in your life this week and work on changing your perspective from “When ____ happens, I’ll be happy” to “How can this make my life more meaningful?” The next article will specifically address ways to increase meaning in your life, but brainstorming ahead of time will really help you personalize it.
References
Barron, C., PhD, & Barron, A., MD. (2012). The creativity cure: A do-it-yourself guide to happiness. New York: Scribner.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Mindfulness is a pretty trendy word these days, but what exactly is mindfulness? And how can it help us in our marriages?
What is Mindfulness?
Dr. John Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). To be mindful is to be conscious and deliberate about your life. It is about choosing to be where you are, to really be present in the moment. It is natural for our minds to get caught up in a cycle of living in the past or the future, with little attention to the present. Being mindful is a reminder to slow down and appreciate the beauty of where you are right now.
Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash
A wide spectrum of research has highlighted benefits of living mindfully. Some of the benefits include decreased stress, improved focus, greater immune functioning, lower anxiety, and improved overall well-being (Davis & Hayes, 2012). In relationships, practicing mindfulness has been shown to improve communication, decrease emotional reactivity, increase empathy, and heighten relationship satisfaction (Gambrel & Keeling, 2010). These benefits come by consciously being present; choosing to be awake and aware of what is now.
Turning Off Autopilot
We have all had the experience of arriving at our destination without having been fully conscious of the roads we were taking. Perhaps your mind was scanning over your mental to-do list, ruminating on a recent conflict with a partner or co-worker, or making plans for tomorrow. Suddenly you arrive at home or your office without having been fully aware of the route you took, lights you stopped at, or other drivers who passed by. This is called autopilot.
Photo by Daniel Salcius on Unsplash
This phenomenon of living on autopilot not only happens when driving, but can also be present in our relationships. When life gets busy, sometimes our marriages can get pushed to the back-burner. Date nights become few and far between, late night heart-to-heart talks turn into a quick “goodnight,” before hitting the pillow, and greetings turn into a halfhearted peck before quickly moving on to complete some other task. These small actions of not “being present” can lead our relationship to grow stagnant over time. Mindfulness is an invitation to combat autopilot, to see your partner and your relationship with fresh eyes, and to sincerely give them your time and attention. AsDr. Mark Williams explained, “[mindfulness] allows you to look at the world once again with open eyes. And when you do so, a sense of wonder and quiet contentment begins to reappear in your life” (Williams & Penman, 2011).
Presence in Practice
You do not need to go meditate on a mountaintop, perfect your handstand in yoga, or light candles and chant “ommm” in order to be more mindful. Simply bring your attention to what you are doing now. When your partner is talking to you, really listen. When you are hugging your spouse, really hug them. Along with your physical presence, give your partner the gift of your mental and emotional presence. When you find yourself on autopilot or your attention is drifting from the present moment, simply focus on your breathing as a gentle reminder to bring your awareness back.
Here are a few simple ways to actively incorporate more mindfulness into your marriage:
1. Mindful Embrace
Hugging has been shown to have many health benefits including greater immunity against illness, decreased stress, reduced anxiety, and increased optimism (Miller, 2017). Taking your partner in your arms in a mindful embrace is a wonderful way to reconnect with him or her at the end of the day. In order to practice a mindful embrace, stand facing your partner. Gently supporting your own weight, take each other in a loose embrace. There is no need to talk during this embrace, rather focus on simply being present with your partner. Synchronizing your breathing with that of your partner, deeply inhale and slowly exhale. Repeat at least three times, longer if desired. Notice how you feel in your partner’s arms. Pay attention to any bodily sensations you may be experiencing. Gently, and without judgment, recognize any thoughts going through your mind and allow them to calmly pass. Softly coming out of the hug, face each other and take a moment to share any impressions or feelings you had during the embrace.
Sometimes communicating with your partner in a positive way is easier when you are doing an activity together. Before taking your walk, decide on a topic that you want to sort out. Perhaps it is a financial concern, topic of conflict in your relationship, or opportunity to ask one another what you can improve on. As you begin your walk, find a comfortable pace and walk side by side with your partner. Try to soften any tight muscles and relax into the rhythm of your breath. After about ten minutes of silently walking side by side, open a gentle dialogue of the topic you established beforehand. Strive to continue breathing slowly and deeply. As you walk, do your best to listen with an open heart to what your partner shares. Give each other the gift of acceptance and non-judgement. After the walk, take a moment for a mindful embrace.
3. Mindful Listening
Mindfulness has been shown to decrease relational conflict and improve positive communication (Barnes et al., 2007). These benefits happen in part because mindfulness helps us to be more present in the moment of the conversation, to react with less emotionality, and to truly hear what our partner is sharing. To practice mindful listening, give your partner your full attention next time they start a conversation with you. Begin by clearing away any distractions, perhaps turning off your cell phone. Take a few deep breaths to clear your mind, allowing for greater mental space to hear what your partner would like to share. As your partner speaks, listen carefully. Rather than focusing on your response, strive to allow what he or she is saying to really enter into your heart. Do your best to see the situation from their perspective, without judgment. Be aware of your non-verbal communication as well, communicating to them with your eye contact and an open posture that they have your full attention. Appreciate the clarity and calm this type of communication can bring to your relationship. (Read more from us on listening here)
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In Conclusion
Mindfulness is an innate ability deep within each of us. Unfortunately, it sometimes gets pushed away in this fast-paced world. By putting in the practice and effort to truly be present, the ability to be mindful will become more natural. As we become more mindful, our relationships with ourselves and our partners will flourish. In the words of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, “the most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
References
Barnes, S., Brown, K.W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 33(4), 482-500.
Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012)What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48(2), 198-208.
Gambrel, L. E., & Keeling, M. L. (2010). Relational aspects of mindfulness: Implications for the practice of marriage and family therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32(4), 412-426.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go There You Are. New York, NY: Hachette Books.
Williams, M., & Penman, D. (2011). Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. New York, NY: Rodale Books.
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
Opinion Piece written by Aubrey-Dawn and Richard Palmer
We recently talked about how sometimes after the honeymoon, and the kids, and the house, and the career come along, our spouse ends up at the bottom of our to-do list. Even we have said to each other, “I’ll kiss you when I finish…” or, “A date is not in the cards this week”. We have also said to each other, “I really need a date.”
Sometimes that means it has been a long week, and we need a break. Sometimes it means we feel disconnected. Sometimes it means we need to play, or relax, or feel sexy, or just get out. In marriage, couples develop a routine. Having a routine is important, but if things become too routine, romantic partners become mundane roommates.
Dating reminds us that we come first. Not me. Not him/her. Us. Work, infertility treatments, bills, errands, volunteer work, and extended family are a few pieces of our crazy lives. But it isn’t really about any of that. We come first, and dating helps us keep that perspective. It keeps us unified, and refreshes and gives us the energy we need to keep up with other demands. It both helps us accomplish our to-do lists, and reminds us who should be at the top of it (pun intended!).
Richard’s experience: “Once we didn’t go on a date for a somewhat long period of time, and there was little reason for me to do anything extra – dress up, perform well at work, or even clean the house. I forgot to do the little things – bringing home a rose, making the bed, or giving her a goodnight kiss. I didn’t joke with her as much, and there wasn’t the same motivation to make her laugh. Obviously I still loved her, and I still did things for her, like rub her back at night to help her fall asleep, but my priorities did change. It was more about serious, ‘life’ stuff, than about our relationship.”
Dates can and must take many forms.
Variety is important. Let dates reflect either the climate of your relationship, or the needs of you and your partner. For example, if the climate of your relationship has been playful, you might go to an arcade, out dancing, or to a sporting event you both enjoy. Or, if you and your partner have had a particularly difficult week, you might get couples massages, or stay home, order takeout, and watch a movie or play games. Our favorite though, is to hike or drive to the top of a mountain, eat dinner, watch the sun set, and talk about absolutely nothing relevant.
Your dating experience needs to be tailored to your relationship, and only you and your partner can do that. Dates can be simple, fancy, long, short, playful, romantic, active, relaxing, cathartic, sexy or a combination of things. You decide, but switch it up.
Balance spontaneous and planned dates.
The difference between the two is the level of commitment. A spontaneous date could look something like this: “On the way home from grocery shopping, why don’t we stop and grab ice cream?” (In case you’re confused, grocery shopping is NOT a date. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t make a little date before or after.) The commitment level is lower, but it also shows that you are thinking of your significant other and that you care enough to buy them that ice cream cone. A planned date might be something like, “I got a reservation to our favorite restaurant and then afterwards we are going to see that play we have wanted to see for so long.” These kinds of dates require a higher level of commitment because you are prioritizing in advance, and thinking more in an us mind set: we love this restaurant, and we have wanted to see this play for a while now. Both are needed and essential to having a successful dating life in marriage.
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Accommodate for differing interests when dating.
While most of the time, dates need to be activities that both parties enjoy, or at least do not detest, occasionally it is important to plan a date that is tailored to the needs of your significant other.
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Aubrey-Dawn’s experience: “When I was still in college, I had one particularly stressful semester. My husband knew that I was stressed. I told him that I would be staying late to study. When I came home that evening, I found some of my clothes on the bed with instructions to put them on, which I did. When I went into the kitchen, I discovered that my husband had made dinner, set a beautiful table with a couple of roses, and written me a long, thoughtful note. We ate dinner together, and were able to spend some much needed ‘us’ time. This helped me relax and put my concerns aside, and I was more energized when I returned to my studies the next day. Richard was aware of my needs, and selflessly took the time to plan a date for me. It was simple and inexpensive, but it was what I needed.”
Usually tailoring dates to the needs of your significant other will be a pleasant experience for you as well, since dating is meant to improve the relationship. Remember though, that it is possible to date selfishly. Selfish daters only do activities they enjoy – for them, dating is not about the relationship or unity, but about the activity and their own pleasure. It is okay to have needs and preferences, but it is not realistic to expect dates to fill every need, and it is disrespectful to refuse to go on dates you do not enjoy. The occasional opera or UFC fight will not kill you. But your attitude might kill the date…if you let it.
Again, both spontaneous and planned dates can take many different attitudes: playful, sexy, active, relaxing, etc. And again, a date is not an errand or shop talk. A date is not about your to-do list. It is is about your relationship. The beauty is, we create our relationships. We get to decide. But that doesn’t matter, unless we put ‘us’ first.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.