Guest Writers, Power Couples

Navigating Pregnancy Loss as a Couple

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Cover photo by Pixabay.

Written by Anna Smith
How does the occurrence of a negative stressful event affect commitment in marriage? Will it tear marriages apart? Or increase levels of loyalty? Luckily, there is no definite answer to those questions. In fact, the outcome of your marriage is completely determined by the actions of you and your partner. This may sound obvious at first, but that answer may be less easy to find when you are embracing the unexpected together. 
Several couples experience significant losses in their marriage. It could be the loss of a job, family member, finances, a house, etc. Today, I want to address a particular type of loss that is all too common and surprisingly undiscussed: Miscarriages, stillborn babies, and pregnancy failure. Today, 15% to 20% of pregnancies unfortunately result in one of these categories of loss (Hiefner et al., 2021).
Photo by Ivan Samkov
Not only does the unexpected loss of a child affect parent’s physical and emotional well-being, but it also can add monumental amounts of stress on a couple’s relationship. Regardless of if a couple experiences a sudden loss of a child, between 43% and 46% of marriages are predicted to end in separation (Shreffler et al., 2012). So, what can we do to preserve our marriages when we find ourselves in such a tragedy?

Try to understand each other. Let your spouse grieve the way they need to. 

Naturally, men and women have differences. Therefore, they have individual perspectives, feelings, experiences, and needs – especially surrounding pregnancy loss. On average, women tend to experience more grief than their spouses, and it lasts for a longer period of time as well (Thomas & Striegel, 1995, McDonald et al, 2022). This could be because the mother develops a stronger sense of attachment to the baby from physical pregnancy changes and feeling the baby move occasionally (Avelin et al., 2013). Because of this, the mother could experience more feelings of pain, depression, guilt, or even more amounts of anger than their partner does (Alderman, et al., 1998). 
As fathers are also facing feelings of depression and grief for their lost baby, they often feel pressure to be the “strong one” and “hold it together” for their partners, which could increase stress and miscommunication (Thomas & Striegel, 1995). In addition, not only do we know that mothers and fathers grieve differently in general, they also are known to express their grief and coping strategies in different ways. Most women tend to seek social support from friends, family, or even the community, while fathers often hold in their grief and avoid using any outward coping strategies (Hiefner et al, 2021).
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Navigating through differences in grief has the potential to threaten marriage and increase feelings of loneliness (Avelin et al., 2013). But the good news is, it also provides various opportunities to grow closer together as a couple! In a recent survey from The CREATE Project including over 3,000 individuals across the United States, those who reported a pregnancy loss also report feeling more committed to their spouse. Comparing these results to different studies, it has been found that as couples respect each other’s grieving styles and seek to understand one another’s feelings, the negative event of a loss was transformed into a positive growing experience for the couple (Cacciatore et al., 2008).
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Communicate

Among the participants from The CREATE Project, as the couples coped with the loss of their child, they also reported having less communication. This decrease in communication can lead to frequent misunderstanding and conflicts (Alderman et al.,1998).  The perfect way to avoid unnecessary stress while coping with such a loss is to engage in communication specifically about one another’s feelings and needs.  
As mentioned before, mothers and fathers will grieve differently because of the different ways that they perceived the loss. In a study of 121 women who had experienced a pregnancy loss in the last six months, there was a general trend that the mothers felt that their partners were less “emotionally connected” to the loss, or that they “just didn’t understand” what they were feeling. Because of this, the women in the study resulted in feeling alone in their grief as they tried to cope with the recent loss (Black, R. B., 1992). 
The problem with this is, that the mothers in the study could never know if their partners actually felt that way, unless they had specifically talked about it. It is impossible to know exactly what a person is feeling based on their actions (even though that would be really nice!). In fact, the way we express our feelings is different from ways others will, and that is okay! The more we communicate about how we view each other’s feelings, the more unity we will feel in our relationships. Going back to the couples in the study, as they communicated their feelings clearly, they reported that they felt more satisfaction in their relationship and made clear communication an enduring practice in their marriage (Black, R. B., 1992). 
Photo by Isabelle Taylor

Conclusion

As couples face losses in their relationship, each individual will respond in different ways. As humans we are not perfect, and that is why as we cope with loss our communication or understanding will decrease. But this is normal! When you and your partner seem to find yourself in the stress of any type of loss, remember to seek understanding from each other and talk about it. These things sound simple, but you may be surprised by how much good it can do for you and your relationship. 
Not sure where to start? Here are a couple of activities that you can do to help you seek understanding and improve your communication skills in your relationships!
  • Talk about your feelings using “I” statements (i.e. “I feel lonely”)
  • Watch your non-verbal communications that may send the wrong message (eye rolling, not maintaining eye contact, being on your phone, etc.)
  • Put away distractions while communicating (phones, earbuds, television)
  • Ask each other open ended questions (i.e. “Why do you feel lonely?”)
  • When responding to each other, paraphrase what your partner just said to ensure that you understand (i.e. “Okay, what I am getting is that you feel lonely because I work too much. Is that what you meant?”)

References

Alderman, L., Chisholm, J., Denmark, F., & Salbod, S. (1998). Bereavement and Stress of a Miscarriage: As it Affects the Couple. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 37(4), 317–327. https://doi.org/10.2190/DQNQ-PFAM-7V00-52F3
Avelin, P., Rådestad, I., Säflund, K., Wredling, R., & Erlandsson, K. (2013). Parental grief and relationships after the loss of a stillborn baby. Midwifery, 29(6), 668-673. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2012.06.007
Black, R. B. (1992). Women’s voices after pregnancy loss. Social Work in Health Care, 16(2), 19-36. https://doi.org/10.1300/J010v16n02_03
Cacciatore, J., DeFrain, J., Jones, K. L. C., & Jones, H. (2008). Stillbirth and the couple: A gender-based exploration. Null, 11(4), 351-372. https://doi.org/10.1080/10522150802451667
Hiefner, A. R. (2021). Dyadic coping and couple resilience after miscarriage. Family Relations, 70(1), 59-76. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12475
Hutti, M. H., Armstrong, D. S., Myers, J. A., & Hall, L. A. (2015). Grief intensity, psychological Well‐Being, and the intimate partner relationship in the subsequent pregnancy after a perinatal loss. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing, 44(1), 42-50. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1111/1552-6909.12539
McDonald, S. A., Dasch-Yee, K., & Grigg, J. (2022). Relationship outcomes following involuntary pregnancy loss: The role of perceived incongruent grief. Illness, Crisis, & Loss, 30(2), 146-156. https://doi.org/10.1177/1054137319885254
Shreffler, K., Hill, P., & Cacciatore, J. (2012). Exploring the increased odds of divorce following miscarriage or stillbirth. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(2), 91-107. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.651963
Thomas, V., & Striegel, P. (1995). Stress and Grief of a Perinatal Loss: Integrating Qualitative and Quantitative Methods. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 30(4), 299–311. https://doi.org/10.2190/X0E4-536U-6YWP-CPYL

 

Anna Smith is from Bountiful, Utah and is currently a Junior at Brigham Young University. She is studying Family Services and plans to become a Licensed Social Worker. Anna loves to spend time with others, and is passionate about helping individuals and families achieve stability and happiness.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Grieving After a Miscarriage

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Cover photo by John Looy on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong
Around 15% of pregnancies in the United States result in a miscarriage (Swanson et al., 2009). A miscarriage — sometimes called a “spontaneous abortion” — occurs when there is a sudden loss of pregnancy prior to the 20th week. So many factors go into the creation and growth of a fetus, and yet often, the cause of a pregnancy loss can never truly be identified. Although there has been an increase in the discussion surrounding miscarriages, it seems that many women are unaware of both the physical and psychological impacts of a miscarrying (Mcgee et al., 2018). Not only is there a lack of knowledge, but there is a stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Although a large part of a miscarriage involves medical symptoms, focusing only on that neglects the psychological and relational aspects as well.
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Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Research shows that following a miscarriage, women, in particular, tend to experience “an initial shock, … ongoing symptoms, and … a forever missing piece” (Mcgee et al., 2018). If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief is normal. From the moment a woman (or a couple) finds out that they are expecting, their entire mindset changes. They begin preparing for a child’s arrival. They discuss baby names, they buy cute infant clothes. Every thought tends to revolve around the upcoming addition to their family. “Grieving a miscarriage [tends] to be difficult because [there are] no accepted ritual[s] for processing grief…” (Mcgee et al.,2018). And unfortunately, many feel like they need to suffer in silence. 
When a child is lost earlier in a pregnancy, parents-to-be are expected to accept it and easily move on. If neither the mother- nor father-to-be has felt their unborn child, or even had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, those outside of the relationship may think there is nothing to mourn.

Miscarriage

As someone who has lost multiple members of my immediate family, I can tell you that losing an unborn child is a completely different type of loss. I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself to go through it, so just be patient and don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
In their research study, McGee, PettyJohn, & Gallus found that, “Nine out of the ten women described a sense of isolation following miscarriage” (2018). Because women do experience so many physical symptoms of pregnancy, even if they have a male partner in the picture, mothers-to-be tend to feel isolated. Men have a hard time understanding what women are experiencing physically, and because men are mourning the potential of fatherhood, not motherhood, women tend to have a more difficult time understanding their pain in turn. Miscarrying tests a partnership in a different way than any other trial can. Be sure to give each other room to grieve in whatever way each of you needs, and be patient with one another. Share how you are feeling, seek to express empathy, and don’t hesitate to just cry together. 
Pregnancy or even trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage can be especially difficult. Not only can your body exhibit different symptoms, but there also tends to be deep-ingrained anxiety. It’s hard not to expect and assume you will miscarry again. These feelings are real and valid, but it is best to acknowledge why you are feeling this way and practice ways to help calm your fears. Discussing your anxieties with your partner or a loved one is a good place to start. What are your biggest fears in regards to pregnancy? How much of that stems from your experience miscarrying? Don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
If you have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss of any kind, please know that you are not alone, no matter how it may seem. You may be 1 in 4 women, but you are so much more than a statistic. That was your baby, and it’s okay to not be okay – no matter how long ago you may have experienced this. Time may not heal your wounds completely, but it will help you better understand what you are feeling. There is no specific way to grieve, and it is okay to feel angry or sad or even indifferent. 
Pregnancy loss may be common, but that doesn’t make your experience any less significant. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you if you are going through a miscarriage. Be patient with yourself and your body. Additionally, be patient with your partner and try your best to understand their experiences through a pregnancy loss.
Personal Practice 1Self: If you feel comfortable doing so, write down your experience with miscarriage. You can share this with others if you want, but try to reflect on how you may have felt during that time.
Others: If you yourself have not experienced a pregnancy loss, but know of someone who has, reach out to them. Be willing to listen and be prepared to talk about the baby.

References

Brin, D. J. (2004). The use of rituals in grieving for a miscarriage or stillbirth. Women & Therapy, 27(3–4), 123–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1300/J015v27n03_09
Mcgee, K., PettyJohn, M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516–530. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/15325024.2018.1484625
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner’s experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837–845. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/S0277-9536(96)00424-8
Swanson, K. M., Chen, H., Graham, J., Wojnar, D. M., & Petras, A. (2009). Resolution of depression and grief during the first year after miscarriage: A randomized controlled clinical trial of couples-focused interventions. Journal of Women’s Health, 18, 1245 – 1257 https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2008.1202

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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