In the summer with kids home from school, it can be easy to let phones, gaming and social media become easy babysitters. Sometimes parents let kids play for hours on end. I have met kids so obsessed with their game consoles that they pee into empty Gatorade bottles and put off eating, showering, and completing other basic functioning tasks. Excessive or pathological gaming is associated with increased mental illness, impulsivity, social phobias, poor social skills, and lower school performance (Gentile, et al., 2011). Adolescents who consume games excessively report less life satisfaction and more symptoms of depression and anxiety (Rune, et al., 2011).
Don’t get me wrong, gaming is not all bad, and does have some positive effects like increasing the ability to switch between multiple tasks and improved eye tracking and attention to detail (Dunifon & Gill, 2013). But as with many things, moderation is important.
Requiring kids to spend time outside is essential for physical, emotional and mental development (Burdette & Whitaker, 2005). Part of this was discussed in last week’s article, “Go Outside – Your Mental Health Depends On It”. Offsetting gaming use with outdoor play is important. Research has shown that kids who report spending more time outside also report spending less time gaming (Dunifon & Gill, 2013). Here are some ways to help you manage your kids’ gaming.
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Monitor, or even turn off the console.
Some parents say that they cannot get their kids away from video games. But here’s the deal – you’re the parent, and that makes you the boss. If you pay for the internet, bought the console, pay for your kid’s phone, computer, the electric bill, etc., you control the gaming. And if you are a parent, you are responsible for teaching your kids to manage technology responsibly. You can turn off the console, set limits, and have standards and expectations surrounding tech use. You are also responsible for understanding and monitoring gaming ratings.
Teaching 10-12-year-olds 12 sessions of the Strengthening Families Program (to date) I have met way too many kids whose parents 1) buy games that are age-inappropriate, and 2) do not set limits for the amount of time their kids are plugged in. The kids whose parents monitor gaming consistently are generally most able to focus. They ask good questions, are respectful, and are the most emotionally mature of our clients. (This was not an official study; these are just observations I have made over the last 4 ½ years. Please do not regard this as official research.)
If you haven’t set limits, it will be an uphill battle at first. Enforcing a new plan is usually met with some push-back. But have courage, and be consistent. When your kids see how serious you are, and that you are going to enforce the standards you have set up consistently they’ll eventually stop giving you grief.
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Tips for limiting gaming (can apply to other things like internet/social media/desktop/phone as well).
Set a time limit. You may consider the ability to earn extra time as well. For example, if one of my boys wants extra gaming time, I expect that they will do something to earn it – wash walls, vacuum the stairs, etc. I “check off” this extra job, to make sure it was done properly. The job is done when I feel that it has been done properly.
Do your research to ensure that games (and apps) are age-appropriate and more importantly, that they fit moral and/or spiritual standards you have for your family.
Make outdoor play an important part of your kid’s life. I know of a family who requires their kids to be outside for at least 2 hours each day before video games are even an option. Other families expect their kids to spend time outside after 30 minutes of video game time. Some families have their kids do yard work for 30 minutes in the morning and then play for at least 30 minutes in the afternoon. However you do it, spending time outside is important for physical and mental development (Bowen & Neill, 2013; Palmer, 2019).
Enforce appropriate consequences that you can follow through with when standards and expectations surrounding gaming are not followed.
Be consistent. Consistency is the key. It’s no surprise that kids freak out when they lose their phone/console/computer when parents do not consistently enforce the same consequences for the same poor choices/behaviors.
Keep consoles/computers out of kids’ bedrooms. Gaming should be done in a family space, not a private one to help kids maintain appropriate standards for gaming: sending appropriate messages, playing age-appropriate games, being honest about the amount of time they are playing, and speaking respectfully and appropriately if using a headset. Consoles in bedrooms also increase the likelihood that a child will become addicted to gaming (Burdette & Whitaker, 2005).
Developing boundaries around gaming helps keep kids safe, teaches self-discipline and self-regulation, and makes room for more open parent-child communication. Setting boundaries like those above also guards against gaming addictions and other addictive behaviors. Setting limits like these can be hard at first, but have courage, and be consistent. While hard at first, it will get better.
Create boundaries around gaming use in your home. Be willing to make tough calls. Explain these new standards to your kids in a family meeting. Be sure to explain the WHY behind your new boundaries. Being open and helping kids understand WHY rules exist, even if they don’t agree with them, and exactly what consequences will be if broken helps them take ownership and be more open with you.
References
Bowen, D. J., & Neill, J. T. (2013). A Meta-Analysis of Adventure Therapy Outcomes and Moderators. The Open Psychology Journal,6(1), 28-53. https://doi:10.2174/1874350120130802001
Burdette HL, Whitaker RC. Resurrecting Free Play in Young Children: Looking Beyond Fitness and Fatness to Attention, Affiliation, and Affect. Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 2005;159(1):46–50. https://doi:10.1001/archpedi.159.1.46
Dunifon, R., & Gill, L. (2013). Games and Children’s Brains: What is the Latest Research? Retrieved May, 2019, from https://www.human.cornell.edu/sites/default/files/PAM/Parenting/FINAL-Video-Game-Research-Brief-5.pdf
Gentile, D. A., Choo, A., Liau, A., Sim, T., Li, D., Fung, D., & Khoo, A. (2011). Pathological Video Game Use Among Youths: A Two-Year Longitudinal Study. Pediatrics, 127(2). https://doi:10.1542/peds.2010-1353d
Palmer, A. D. (2019, June). Go Outside: Your Mental Health Depends On It. Retrieved June, 2019, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/go-outside-your-mental-health-depends-on-it/
Rune Aune Mentzoni, Geir Scott Brunborg, Helge Molde, Helga Myrseth, Knut Joachim Mår Skouverøe, Jørn Hetland, and Ståle Pallesen.Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.Oct 2011.ahead of print http://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2010.0260
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
The moment that my husband and I held our daughter in our arms for the very first time was a moment that changed us to the very core. Not only was a sweet baby girl born that day, but a mother and father were born as well.
When you become a parent, you realize that forevermore someone else’s well-being is far more important than your own. You realize that as a parent you are going to give more than even seems possible… but also that you are going to experience more joy than you ever imagined.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we are passionate about empowering parents and equipping them with tools to help their children thrive. Research is clear that the better parents understand child development, the more likely they are to engage in positive parenting practices that will help their children thrive emotionally, physically, socially, and cognitively.
Past research has demonstrated that “children who [have] parents who monitor their behavior, [are] consistent with rules and [are] warm and affectionate, [are] more likely to have close relationships with their peers, be more engaged in school, and have better self-esteem.” (2009) Furthermore, children who experience positive parenting are more likely to in turn practice positive parenting and general relationship skills as they go on to have their own families. (Kerr, 2009) Although our children will each make their own choices, as parents we play a crucial role in providing our children with an environment where they can experience optimal development. And our choice to be intentional about the way we parent our children has the potential to affect generations to come.
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Not only does our ability to parent affect our children and who they will choose to become, it also has the power to mold and shape who WE are. Interacting with, and working to teach, love, and nourish our children brings more of a capacity for learning, for patience, for ingenuity, for LOVE than we ever thought possible. As we actively and intentionally working towards becoming better parents, our own personal growth and development will continue as well.
I love Rose Kennedy’s view on parenting when she said, “I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” While we will certainly make mistakes along the way, each day we can resolve to bring the best we can to our parenting. As we go about this great work of shaping souls, each of us has the choice to leave negative parenting practices in the past and choose a better way to parent our children.
And so, to my little girl whose eyes I gazed into for the first time just nine short months ago, my greatest hope for you is that in our home you will be loved, seen, heard, and taught. And my greatest hope for myself is that each day I will choose to bring the best of myself to my parenting.
This week, take some time to reflect on your current parenting practices. What are you doing well? What is something you would like to improve? Write down your thoughts and any goals you may want to implement.
References
Gadsden, V. L., Ford, M., & Breiner, H. (2016). Parenting matters: supporting parents of children ages 0-8. The National Academies Press.
Kerr, D. C. R., Capaldi, D. M., Pears, K. C., & Owen, L. D. (2009). A prospective three generational study of fathers’ constructive parenting: Influences from family of origin, adolescent adjustment, and offspring temperament. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1257–1275. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0015863
Parent, J., Dale, C. F., McKee, L. G., & Sullivan, A. D. W. (2021). The longitudinal influence of caregiver dispositional mindful attention on mindful parenting, parenting practices, and youth psychopathology. Mindfulness, 12(2), 357–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12671-020-01536-x
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
When my son was two and his older sisters were five and six, mornings were hectic at our house. My wife and I would busily run around making breakfast, preparing lunches, and helping children get ready for the day. Somewhere in there, we would get ourselves ready too. One morning from this time of life stands out in my memory. My son was just beginning to put multiple words together. We had already dressed him, and in the hustle and bustle of the morning, I had not noticed that he had put his shoes on and gone and sat by the door. As I went to leave and take the five year old to kindergarten, he looked up at me and said, “Me go?” He was ready and anxious to go, but he had to stay. He simply was not old enough for kindergarten, and I could not take him with me to teach classes at the university. It broke his little heart.
The ages and the contexts have changed, but similar experiences play out in our household on a daily basis. The oldest is upset that the youngest gets more help with chores than she does. The youngest is upset that he is not allowed to ride his bike around the block by himself like the oldest. Our children are different people, with different abilities and different needs, we must treat them differently. Yet, sometimes it seems that no matter what you do, you simply cannot win as a parent.
In life, we call these differences reality; our children may call it favoritism. Researchers call it parental differential treatment. Overall, research paints a bleak picture. Across childhood and adolescence, dozens of studies suggest that when we treat our children differently, that the one receiving the short end of the stick (i.e., my two year old son who could not go to school) is at risk for causing more trouble at home and school, being more depressed, receiving lower grades, and even engaging in substance use (in adolescence). Perhaps the silver lining is that children who believe that they get the better treatment tend to be less disruptive, are less depressed, do better in school, and are less likely to engage in substance use.
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The realities of life and the scientific research create a frustrating conundrum. We must treat our children differently, but in doing so we may put them at risk. So what is a parent to do? I have spent nearly the last decade of my professional life researching this question. I offer several suggestions below. Each of these is based on one or more studies and my interpretation of them. As a researcher, however, I must caution that more research is needed in this area and these findings are not universal truth.
Be aware of why differences exist
In an older but important foundational study, Kowal and Kramer (1997) found that differences in treatment might not have negative implications in some families. In particular, they found that among 11-13 year-olds, when the children saw differences in parenting as fair, then it had no impact. The children reported that differences were expected because they were different ages, one sibling simply needed more help, they were a different sex than their sibling, they had different interests, or because of disabilities.
These findings present an important idea — if our children recognize why we are treating them differently, then they may see it as fair. What does this mean as a parent? Be open with your children as to why they are treated differently. For example, our oldest recently complained that we were helping a younger sibling with a chore; help that we did not offer her. She was visibly upset by this difference. We mentioned that the younger sibling was unable to physically open the door to the closet where the vacuum was stored, and could not plug it in themselves. As we explained this to her it was as if a lightbulb went off and she said, “Oh, ok.” Then she went happily on her way. The younger the child, the harder this will be, but start young. As they develop the capacity to understand, you will already be in the habit of discussing and talking about differences in treatment.
Although we likely will not have a conversation about every difference, we need to be willing to talk about it with our children. To me, this further suggests that as parents we need to be thoughtful about those differences in treatment and be aware of why they exist. If we find ourselves treating our children differently for a particular reason that we would not want our children to know about, then maybe that particular difference is inappropriate.
Additionally, I suggest that you follow your children’s lead. When they mention differences in treatment, or seem bothered by them, that is the time for a discussion. If you are always bringing up the differences, you may create concern and stress that did not already exist.
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Beware of comparisons
The birth of our first child was an amazing time. I loved watching her grow over those first months and years. Every milestone was a new stage of life that brought new possibilities and challenges. For a long time I could tell you what percentiles her height and weight had been at many ages and how her motor and language skills compared to the average child. That same process was no less exciting with the birth of our next daughter. I discovered quickly, however, that I was prone to interpreting the second daughter’s development in the context of her older sister. I would often say things like, “She just started walking, but her older sister did it nine months earlier than her.” Or, “She already has a vocabulary of over 400 words, her older sister only knew 100 words at this age!” Those comparisons may be harmless with babies, but several recent studies of my own highlight that they may eventually matter. In two different studies, we asked parents to make comparisons about their children, and then we measured what happened over time (Jensen & McHale, 2015; Jensen, McHale, & Pond, 2018). When parents believed that a child was not as smart as the sibling, or that they were more trouble, that child did worse in school and caused more trouble over time, after controlling for previous school performance and behavior. In part, what seems to happen is that children believe that parents treat them differently because of those comparisons, whether parents actually do or not.
Like with my infant daughters, we all make these comparisons about our children. Even if we do not voice those comparisons they may have a way of shaping our daily interactions with them, and in subtle ways may be detrimental to them as individuals. So as much as you can, avoid comparisons. Recently, to help myself make fewer comparisons about my children, I have tried to use less “relative” or “comparison-” based language. For example, rather than telling my daughter that she is the best, I might say, “You’re wonderful.” In essence, I am hoping to communicate love and value without it being in reference to anyone else, including her siblings.
Combat differences in treatment by treating them differently
My oldest daughter likes to wrestle and roughhouse. If she is having a hard day, it often makes her feel a little better if I swing her around like a sack of potatoes and then throw her on the couch. I learned pretty quickly that this does not work with my second daughter. She would rather do a puzzle with me, or draw a picture together. My son would rather play firefighters or read a book. Each of my children are different from one another, with different interests and personalities.
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Another study I conducted suggests that perhaps a way to combat differences in treatment is to go ahead and treat them differently. We found than in some families, differences in treatment had little to no impact on the children (Jensen & Whiteman, 2015). In these families it seemed that the parents were involved in their children’s lives. They knew who they were and what they needed. My suggestion is that you spend one-on-one time with each child. Some of that time should be in activities you prefer, but many times it should be directed by them. Spend time doing the things they enjoy and they will know that you truly care about them and their interests. When you do this, they may not be so concerned about differences in treatment.
Conclusion
Although every day may bring new experiences with differential treatment, these suggestions have the potential to build stronger families where each child feels valued and loved for who they are, and not for who they are in comparison to a sibling, or for how they are treated differently. You will make mistakes, we all do, but keep working on it and do your best.
Make a list of each of your children’s interests. If you are having a difficult time thinking of what to write down, ask your kids! Work on implementing these interests into your interactions with your children this week.
Download this free handout for a list of questions to help you get to know your child or teen.
References
Jensen, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2015). What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests. Journal of Family Psychology, 29, 469-478. doi:10.1037/fam0000090
Jensen, A. C., McHale, S. M., & Pond, A. M. (2018). Parents’ social comparisons of siblings and youth problem behavior: A moderated mediation model. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 2088-2099. doi: 10.1007/s10964-018-0865-y
Jensen, A. C., & Whiteman, S. D. (2014). Parents’ differential treatment and adolescents’ delinquent behaviors: Direct and indirect effects of difference score- and perception-based measures. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, 549-559. doi:10.1037/a0036888
Kowal, A., & Kramer, L. (1997). Children’s understanding of parental differential treatment. Child Development, 68, 113 – 126. doi:10.2307/1131929
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
While dining in a Chicago restaurant, I learned the life story of our waiter.
His father owned a lucrative business for many years but went bankrupt. He was not legally obligated to pay back his debts, but this elderly waiter told us how he witnessed his father sacrifice the rest of his life to pay his creditors and die with a peaceful conscience. He lingered at our table, practically sitting down to eat with us, because his father’s story was so compelling.
How we ‘do-do’ it wrong
The father in this story became a hero to his son, not by being perfect, but by being perfectly flawed. It is hard to admit to our mistakes and make reparation. Most adults in leadership positions, whether in the workplace or as the head of the home, have the responsibility of maintaining control.
The status of being in charge suggests that all those under us should trust our judgment. As a result, we hide our flaws. We pretend to know always what is best. We tend to elevate our status to the “we can do no wrong” level in fear of losing the confidence of others.
Forbes magazine argues this is a dangerous belief because “it backs a leader into defending their poor choices, even when they themselves have come to recognize they were wrong.” The truth is we do do wrong, and that gets us in plenty of do-do when we try to cover it up.
Scientists call this cognitive dissonance: the tension you feel when you are mentally out of balance. Non-scientists, namely children, call this hypocrisy. It’s when our actions are in conflict with what we know to be wrong.
For example, I know eating too much cake is bad for me, but I just can’t resist another piece, and another, until it’s gone. As a result, I’m internally conflicted with a stomachache to boot.
As parents, we make mistakes all the time, but we make it worse when we lie about it: “No, I didn’t eat all your Halloween candy.” We cover it up because we crave cognitive consonance, or balance again in the universe (dad = hero). We don’t want our children to know we have trouble controlling our passions. We want them to still look up to us on the parental pedestal (the one use used to climb on to reach the candy up in the cupboard).
Chances are, however, that our hypocrisy will be discovered sooner or later, and we will fall — and fall hard. It will be difficult to regain our child’s trust.
The 3 benefits of owning up
The healthy way to create consonance again is not to justify or lie, but to admit our mistakes: to come clean. Flawed parents are the best tutors because they can use personal mistakes to teach their children how to tell the truth. When our children hear and see us owning up to our mistakes they learn:
1. No one is perfect, and that’s a good thing.
A comforting thought is “no one is perfect … that’s why pencils have erasers.” Children need to see that we are trying to do our best, but when we slip up, that’s OK. Just apologize (sincerely) and get on with it. Rather than wringing our hands and becoming paralyzed with perfectionism, making a mistake once in a while reminds us we are human and allows others to make mistakes too. What a relief! You mean, you’re not perfect either? Families thrive best when they are filled with humans, not super humans or robots. I can love and be loved best when I am real, flawed, and vulnerable.
2. Mistakes are the tutors for growth.
Authors Tavris and Aronson said, “Learn to see mistakes not as terrible personal failings to be denied or justified, but as inevitable aspects of life that help us grow, and grow up.”
I’m reminded of an elementary school teacher who would do something wrong, and in front of her students she would chirp, “Oops! I made a mistake,” and then fix it in their view. She taught the children that the classroom is a safe place to experiment, take risks, and learn from their mistakes.
Dr. Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, stated, “Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.”
A home can provide the exposure to those realities. Imagine being the mom of Thomas Edison, who replied when asked about the failure of creating the light bulb: “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it won’t work.”
3. To take responsibility for our actions.
We see less and less of taking responsibility from leaders in businesses, politics and in communities. If they do, it’s with a vague “mistakes were made.”
We need more role models who state, “I did that and I take full responsibility. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.” Honesty. How refreshing. What better lesson can we teach our children than shouldering up to the consequences of our actions?
The best part of a parent taking responsibility is when a child has the opportunity to watch how the parent goes about making it right. That’s where the real work is done. “Oh, boy. I just ran over a sprinkler head with the car. I’m going to need to get a new part and install it tomorrow.” Then enjoy taking the time to teach your child how to install a new sprinkler head.
Honest effort after an honest mistake engenders trust and esteem from our children. Flawed parents need not fear mistakes, but draw out the human lessons we can learn from them. Mistakes authenticate us as tutors.
The waiter in the Chicago restaurant? I’ve never been so touched at the apparent admiration a son had for his father. Even in his advanced years, he was proud to wait tables for a living, feeling his father’s approval at every table.
Homework:
Option 1: Think about a time when you have made a mistake – preferably something that wasn’t too life-altering or upsetting to you. Think about what you learned from that mistake, and share about the experience with your child.
Option 2: Have a discussion with someone you love about the pitfalls of perfectionism, and how allowing ourselves to make mistakes can be a good thing. For help, take a look at this article by Aubrey Hartshorn.
Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. Orlando: Harcourt.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website www.aspoonfulofparenting.com, where she writes articles on the joys, challenges and power of parenting.
Create boundaries around gaming use in your home. Be willing to make tough calls. Explain these new standards to your kids in a family meeting. Be sure to explain the WHY behind your new boundaries. Being open and helping kids understand WHY rules exist, even if they don’t agree with them, and exactly what consequences will be if broken helps them take ownership and be more open with you. 
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website