Guest Writers, Project Parent

3 Tips for Improving Your Child’s Communication

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Cover photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

Written by Kjirsten Keetch of Teeny Talkers
“Communication is your ticket to success, if you pay attention and learn to do it effectively.” – Theo Gold
We all know that communication is vital in relationships.  But have you ever considered how this applies to the parent-child relationship? When children can’t properly communicate and when parents don’t know how to help, that relationship suffers. 
Now, we know that no child (or grown person!) is perfect at communication, but helping our children learn language, including the ability to ask for what they want, say whether or not they like things, and label items, can be vital in reducing frustration in the home.
So what are some of the best ways to help your child learn and use language?

Play with your child

A clinical report from the American Academy of Pediatrics states that play with parents and peers promotes brain development and “the formation of the safe, stable, and nurturing relationships with all caregivers” (Yogman, Garner, Hutchinson, Hirsh-Pasek, & Golinkoff, 2018). So it’s a double whammy! You get brain development in almost all areas and improved relationships. 
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels
Play is the modality through which our children learn. So if we want our children to learn language, we need to incorporate language into play. Start by sitting on the floor with your child. Then either initiate a fun sequence or watch what your child does and imitate them. Then, find a way to incorporate language. 
For example, say your child is playing with a car. Take another car, and play alongside them. Depending on their age, you could say something like, “Vroom!” or “Go car!”.  Then repeat, repeat, repeat!
If your child is at the imaginative play stage, the possibilities are endless! Just play with them and add language (preferably 1-2 words they haven’t yet mastered) to whatever you’re doing.
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Read with your child

This study found that children who were read to daily (about 5 books) were exposed to over a million more words by kindergarten than children who were not read to.  What does this mean? Well, we can’t expect our children to learn language when they’re not exposed to language.  Books contain words that we don’t usually experience in our daily lives. They also help our children learn sentence structures, rhyming, and the basic structure of stories.
Is it ever too early to read to your children? No. It will never be harmful to include books with play. Just remember to keep reading a positive experience. So don’t push your children past their attention span. If your child is young and you can’t read many books at once, don’t worry! Just try to include stories in a few parts of your day.
Photo by nappy from Pexels
Reading with your child does not always mean just reading the exact written words on each page! You can skip words, stop and talk about a page, or skip whole parts. Just stay at your child’s language and engagement level.  If you have a young child, it can help them stay more engaged if you sit across from them and hold the book in front of you so that they can see both you and the book at the same time.

Sing with your child

Did you know that using melody is part of a therapy technique for helping stroke patients regain language abilities? Pretty cool, huh?  The connection between music and language isn’t fully understood, but music can be a great tool for including language in your daily routine.  Melody, rhyming, intonation, and grammar are all aspects of music that translate to spoken language as well.
Photo by Daria Shevtsova from Pexels
I like to break music up into two categories: fun songs, and soothing songs. Fun songs are songs like “5 Little Monkeys” or “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” that we use when it’s play time. Including actions is a great way to tap into visual learning and highlight certain words.  Soothing music is used at bedtime or other times your child needs calming.  These don’t need lots of facial expressions or actions.
I often come across parents who are hesitant to sing with their child. They think that a YouTube video here and there is sufficient music exposure. But human interaction is key here! I’ve never met a child who was critical of their parent’s voice, and nobody is recording you. So put your pride aside, be a little goofy if you must, and sing!

Be mindful of your own communication

Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Remember how much communication impacts relationships? Well, as a parent, you are one half of that vital relationship. As important as it is for your child to learn language, remember that it takes time. While your child is learning to communicate with you, be very mindful of your own communication. Make it as kind and respectful as possible. You are the constant language model for your child, and the learning that your child does while they are just observing (called incidental learning) is so powerful!
Whatever you do, remember that nobody knows your child better than you! Use that knowledge to play to their strengths and help them in the ways you know are best.  If you lead with love, you can’t go wrong.
Write out your child’s daily routine. Find a way to incorporate a few minutes of any of the above activities into your day. Write it down and commit to including it in your day with minimal distractions.

References

Brandt, A., Gebrian, M., & Slevc, L. R. (2012). Music and early language acquisition. Frontiers in psychology, 3, 327. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00327
Hulstijn, J. H. (2001). Intentional and incidental second-language vocabulary learning: A reappraisal of elaboration, rehearsal and automaticity. Dans P. Robinson (Ed.), Cognition and Second Language Instruction (p. 258-286). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. 
Logan, J. A., Justice, L. M., Yumuş, M., & Chaparro-Moreno, L. J. (2019). When Children Are Not Read to at Home. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, Publish Ahead of Print. doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000657
Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics, 142(3). doi:10.1542/peds.2018-2058

 

 

Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
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Project Parent

How to Be An Emotion Coach For Your Child

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Cover photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
This year especially, all of us have experienced a range of emotions, perhaps including but not limited to: anger, nervousness, fear, confusion, anxiety, discouragement, loneliness, and depression. If we as adults are experiencing these things, imagine what our children are experiencing.
Most children have some kind of normal routine. Last year they went to school every weekday. They had never been to a grocery store to find it bare, their neighborhoods and cities had not been vandalized, they had not been forced to stay inside and told they couldn’t visit beloved family members. Children who have been victims of domestic abuse and neglect no longer have the safety and solace that school provides. 
Children are being taught a different message than they were a year before: “It’s not safe.” And this is scary when we consider that children need to feel safe in order to develop secure attachment (among many other things). Many parents do the best they can to frame the events and information of the day as, “I love you, and so I’m going to keep you safe,” and therefore are able to be a secure base for their children, maintaining a healthy sense of security and warmth. This is wonderful!
No matter how we frame information, children are internalizing messages from parents, media, and the drastic changes in their lives. This year children have undergone major disruptions and changes, and while research shows us that children are incredibly resilient, we don’t know how these changes will affect the mental health and development of children long-term. 
I don’t want to scare you. But what I do want to point out is that, like us, children experience emotions. And those emotions, even if “negative” emotions, are good and important. Just like us, children experience anxiety, depression, fear, anger, confusion, loneliness, and so on. It is of critical importance that we respond to their feelings appropriately and coach them through these tough emotions.
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Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
John Gottman wrote a great book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”, and I want to share a few tidbits of that book with you to help you be an Emotion Coach for your child – or, in other words, to help your child become emotionally intelligent. 

Emotional Intelligence

First, it’s important to understand what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions in a way that makes you more resilient on the other side. Emotional intelligence is NOT pushing through your emotions quickly or dissociating from them. It’s about understanding your experience, embracing it, and working through it effectively, and with a growth mindset. “Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life including family relationships.”
Emotionally intelligent children are better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other social cues accurately, and cope with life’s ups and downs. Additionally, children whose parents are emotion coaches have better physical health, higher academic scores, get along with their friends better, and are able to self-soothe.
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Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

How To Be An Emotion Coach

Emotion coaches don’t object to a child’s display of anger, sadness or fear, nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life. They use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. 
Parents who invalidate and/or discount children’s feelings can cause children to doubt themselves and not trust their instincts. Emotional coaching requires empathy, good listening skills, selflessness, and the ability to put oneself in the child’s shoes. Emotional coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems….emotional coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions, even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear can serve useful purposes in our lives.”
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Photo by Ba Phi from Pexels
Emotion coaches do five things:
1. Become aware of your child’s emotions.
Emotional awareness simply means that you are able to recognize emotions in yourself and in those around you. To recognize emotions in your children, you must recognize emotions in yourself. When we observe our children experiencing emotions, even negative emotions, we do not dismiss those emotions or respond with disapproval. Emotional awareness leads to empathy and our next step.
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy
When we recognize that emotional expression gives way to the opportunity for connection and learning, we deepen our relationship. Talking to children about what they are feeling gives us the opportunity to teach them to understand their own emotions, teach them about the world around them, and build trust.
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Photo by Elly Fairytale from Pexels
3. Listen, empathize and validate
We all need people who are willing to listen, empathize, and validate – our children are no different. One of the hard things around this one is refraining from dismissing, disapproving, or even trying to rescue our kids from their problems.
4. Help children learn to label emotions
As children talk about their experiences and express needs, we can help them identify what they are feeling. It is important to help them label their experiences, instead of labeling their emotions for them. This is not a time to rescue our children from their emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, hurt, nervous, discouraged, confused, etc. Accepting that these negative experiences are a natural part of life actually helps our children build resilience and confidence. Dismissing or disapproving of negative emotions can, even unintentionally, teach our children that they are alone in their emotions, bad for having those feelings, that they cannot trust their instincts, or that something is wrong with them. But labeling their emotions helps them eventually process how to work through them.
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Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels
5. Set limits while exploring strategies
Boundaries and discipline are still an important part of parenting, even for emotional coaches. For example, we absolutely have the right to be angry, but we don’t have the right to throw our toys at people. Here’s where we really get to connect and teach our children. We take it a step further by helping our children explore solutions to their problems. Again, we do not rescue children. We hold them accountable for their mistakes, and empower them to find solutions. We act as their coach in this growth process. “When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations feel less mysterious which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then when conflicts crop up we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed the day may come when they are actually willing to hear our suggestions.”
While important, understand that emotion coaching is not a cure-all. Conflict is normal and discipline is important. Emotional coaching is about closeness, capability, and engagement, not removing conflict or the need for boundaries. 
Personal Practice 1
This week, take advantage of opportunities to practice being an emotion coach for your child(ren).

References

Esmaeelzadehazad, S., Valadi, S., & Gabbard, C. (2021). The impact of maternal emotional intelligence on young children’s motor development. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17405629.2021.1918094
Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Li, D., & Shi, J. (2021). Fluid intelligence, trait emotional intelligence and academic performance in children with different intellectual levels. High Ability Studies, 32(1), 51–69. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/13598139.2019.1694493
Persich, M. R., Smith, R., Cloonan, S. A., Woods, L. R., Strong, M., & Killgore, W. D. S. (2021). Emotional intelligence training as a protective factor for mental health during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Depression and Anxiety, 38(10), 1018–1025. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23202

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Guest Writers, Project Parent

Learning from Home: A New Normal

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Written by Anna Mader, BYU School of Family Life
“I don’t want to go to school! I hate school! Do I have to go? Can I just stay home with you?”
These were frequently uttered phrases in my household. And by frequently uttered, I mean I chanted them every morning before being carted off to school. Over time, my mom became concerned with how much I hated school and thought a temporary change in pace might help, so she pulled me out of fourth grade to homeschool me for a year instead.
Like my mother, other parents have turned to homeschooling their children, and the choice to homeschool has become increasingly popular in recent years (Williams, 2018). The National Household Education Survey has shown that parents homeschool for different reasons, including education styles, religious purposes, or moral character development (Montes, 2006; Ray, 2015). Other factors may be concern for long hours at school, bullies, and overcrowded classrooms.
However, with the COVID-19 pandemic, parents no longer had the luxury of choosing between public and home education with schools shutting down and classes moving online. Faced with this new reality, many parents have become more active in their children’s education to help their kids become lifelong learners. 
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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
For parents thrown into the new world of distance learning, the newness has been understandably overwhelming. Because I only had one year of homeschooling experience myself, I interviewed Jennifer Hunt, a working mom with two homeschooled kids, to gain perspective on the benefits and challenges of learning from home. 
Jennifer started homeschooling her kids long before the COVID-19 outbreak, and for her, the decision to homeschool came from the needs of her children, especially her concerns about their small size and emotional sensitivities. Jennifer’s background as a schoolteacher helped her feel comfortable trying this new role of teaching at home. When she eventually went back to work, her husband took on the role of homeschooling the kids by using online programs. These decisions helped Jennifer’s family grow closer together and placed her children in an already familiar and comfortable learning environment. 
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Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
While homeschooling and home-centered learning are certainly different, these words of advice for homeschooling parents can also apply to parents who are teaching from home and continuing educational experiences for their children in the summer months. Here Jennifer offers five pieces of advice to help parents feel more comfortable with home-based schooling:
1. “Learning from home and public school are different. You don’t need to replicate the school experience and school activities.” Experiment to find curriculum, activities, and a pace that maximizes your child’s learning of various subjects. 
2. “If homeschool doesn’t work for you, you can change your mind. Your decision to teach from home or not isn’t permanent.” As in the case of COVID-19, teaching from home is not forever! However, if you like it, it is an option.
3. “You do not have to know everything before your kid learns it. You’ve been teaching your kids their entire lives already. If you taught them their colors, sang songs, read stories, and used crayons, you’re already a teaching parent, and you can learn along with them.”
4. “You’ll almost certainly gain confidence. It will likely feel weird at first, but home-teaching is new, and anything new has an adjustment period.” Greater confidence in your teaching skills will come over time.
5. “You can always ask for help. You’re not alone in this, and homeschooling parents love to share resources and ideas. Trust yourself— your family is your own.” Whether you seek resources from friends who homeschool or fellow parents doing home-based schooling, connections are always there!
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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Jennifer also noted five perks she’s found in learning together from home in her own experiences with homeschooling:  
1. “Students can take longer breaks from academic subjects and come back to them later. For instance, our son was having a really hard time learning how to read words that were ‘ce’ words (like nice or face). We stopped practicing those reading lessons for a few weeks, and then came back to them later when he was ready.”
2. “You can extend learning to meet the child where they’re at. Sometimes children will be very advanced in a subject, and you can move them forward at a faster pace. Other times, they may be further behind and you can take things a little slower in order to solidify their learning.”
3. “You can follow your children’s interests and design a curriculum around them. For instance, if your child finds a fascination with polar bears, you can go in-depth using polar bears to teach various subjects.” Using an integrated curriculum, you can include polar bears in teaching math, science, and reading skills, for example. 
4. “You can make small adjustments to their learning environment that make a big difference. One of our children needs headphones to concentrate and needs to sit on the floor. Another child needs to work very hard in the morning and then take a long physical break before getting back to academics.” Recognizing and accommodating learning styles and needs can help children advance in their studies.
5. “You can learn so much more in a shorter amount of time. You can connect their learning to everyday life more easily, especially through field trips and hands-on learning experiences. After academics, our kids also have time to learn to cook, build, explore, and spend more time in elective-type activities.”
After several years of homeschool, Jennifer’s kids tried public school for a year, but ultimately decided to return to homeschooling. As Jennifer put it: “Your kids change and their needs change. You can keep making the same educational decisions or you can switch.” This new home-centered learning has been an interesting experimental phase for parents to discover what types of teaching best help their children, and how their children respond to both public and home education.
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Photo by Jessica Lewis on Unsplash
For me, my “gap year” out of the system proved to be critical for my personal development and growth. After a year of learning at home, I had learned to self-regulate my emotions and was prepared to brave the school system again. My new personal resources and abilities led me to enjoy my public school experience again.
This sudden shift to home-based schooling has been jarring for many, but it may help your child in unexpected ways like it did for me. Take these sensitive decisions case by case, considering each individual child’s needs and developmental level. In that way, you’ll discover much in the process, like Jennifer did with her kids, and my mother did with me.
Personal Practice 1Take one of these quizzes to learn more about either your child’s learning style or your own learning style! Understanding how your child learns will help you to make more informed decisions about what learning settings may work best for them.
Learn your child’s learning style: https://homeschoolon.com/the-learning-style-quiz/
Learn your own learning style: http://www.educationplanner.org/students/self-assessments/learning-styles-quiz.shtml

References

Barbieri, A. (2016, September 10). 10 good reasons to home school your child. Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/10-good-reasons-to-home-school-your-child
Hunt, J. (2020, March 2). Phone and email interview.
Martin, J. (2020, May 5). The Best Homeschooling Resources Online. Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.parents.com/kids/education/home-schooling/the-best-homeschooling-resources-online/
Matthews, D. (2019, September 16). Homeschooling: Is It the Best Option for You and Your Child? Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201909/homeschooling-is-it-the-best-option-you-and-your-child
Montes, G. (2006). Do Parental Reasons to Homeschool Vary by Grade? Evidence from the National Household Education Survey, 2001. Home School Researcher, 16(4), 11-17. https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED573485
Ray, B. D. (2015, January). Research Facts on Homeschooling. Retrived July 21, 2020, from https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED556234
Williams, S. (2018, November 03). ‘School is very oppressive’: Why home-schooling is on the rise. Retrieved July 19, 2020, from https://www.theguardian.com/education/2018/nov/03/get-to-be-free-rise-in-home-schooling
Villano, M. (2020, March 16). How ‘regular school’ parents can homeschool their kids. Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/16/health/homeschooling-during-coronavirus-wellness/index.html

 

 

AnnaAnna Mader is an undergraduate student from Houston, Texas is a Family Studies major at Brigham Young University.
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Project Parent

Chatting With Children 101

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Written by Shirley Anderson
For some, chatting with children comes very naturally. But for many, it can feel uncomfortable and awkward. As we age, we tend to understand children less and less. The way they think, communicate and view the world becomes foreign to us, even though we too were once children. 
Think of the last conversation you had with a young child. It probably felt a little one-sided! They probably didn’t get the punch line to your joke or answer the question you asked in the first place. The fact of the matter is, kids speak differently than adults, and if we hope to foster intelligence and success in our children, we need to do a better job of meeting them where they are at developmentally. 
Here are the basic tenets of speaking children-ese. Mastering these basics will help you feel more confident in conversing and connecting with the children in your life. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Speaking to children is just as much a physical activity as it is verbal.

The physical act of getting down to a child’s level cannot be underestimated. This communicates to the child, “I’m here. What you have to say is important. And I’m ready to give you my full attention.” When we talk about getting down to a child’s level, we mean quite literally, get down to a child’s level! Once you’re down, look them in the eyes. Eye contact communicates to the child that they can expect to be taught something and engages their focus (Csibra & Gergely, 2009). Literally reaching out and gently touching the child then lays the groundwork for verbal communication as it instills a sense of security and affection (Gordon et al., 2010). 

When it comes to words, less is more.

Kids are very literal. Metaphors and sarcasm are often lost on them unless concisely explained. Similarly, our society is filled with cultural norms and niceties that confuse children. Common phrases like “I’d prefer it if you…” or “I’d feel more comfortable if…” send a complicated message by giving children a sense of choice when in reality, there is none. “Please stop” and “This will keep you safe” have much more meaning to a child and leave no room for interpretation. 
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Photo from pexels.com
As adults, we tend to constantly be thinking of the future and what’s next on our to-do list while children tend to focus on the here and now. They are masters at living in the moment because developmentally, children cannot conceptualize the future well. Phrases like “we’re leaving soon” or “it’s almost time for school” are much less effective than, “you have time to read one more book before we go” or, “it’s time for school, please put your shoes on.” Verbal communication with children must be guided by two principles: be direct, be concise.  

What we can learn from children.

Although we as adults are thought to be the teachers of communication, we can learn so much from children! We can follow their example by giving less thought to the future and slowing down and living in the moment. As well as by using direct and concise language to express ourselves.
The next time you talk with someone, practice communicating like a child by giving them your full attention, being direct and concise and perhaps most importantly, being present. Implementing these practices will be invaluable to your relationships! 
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Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash

To sum things up.

The challenge of speaking children-ese is not so much that it is a foreign language, rather it is that it requires our full attention. As adults, we have to re-learn how to communicate simply and directly and cut out physical distraction and verbal fluff. The more we master these basics, the stronger and more meaningful our connections will be with the children in our lives. 
Personal Practice 1The next time you chat with a child in your life, implement these practices: 
Physical
Get down on their level
Look them in the eye
Reach out and touch them
Verbal
Practice speaking literally
Live in the moment
Be direct and concise

References

Csibra G, Gergely G. (2009). Natural pedagogy. Trends Cogn Sci. Apr; 13(4):148-53. 
Gordon I., Zagoory-Sharon O., Leckman JF., Feldman R. (2010). Oxytocin and the development of parenting in humans. Biol Psychiatry 68: 377-382. 
Romeo, R. R., Leonard, J. A., Robinson, S. T., West, M. R., Mackey, A. P., Rowe, M. L., & Gabrieli, J. D. E. (2018). Beyond the 30-Million-Word Gap: Children’s Conversational Exposure Is Associated With Language-Related Brain Function. Psychological Science, 29(5), 700–710.
Tompkins, V., Montgomery, D. E., & Blosser, M. K. (2021). Mother‐child talk about mental states: The what, who, and how of conversations about the mind. Social Development. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/sode.12551

 

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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6 Ways to Help Teens Become Successful Adults

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
I work with teenagers – and I love it. Teenagers are my absolute favorite people. And I work with tough teenagers – the teens with drug problems, crippling depression and anxiety, the teens who are defiant and disrespectful and refuse to go to school. I work with aggressive kids. I have been called every name in the book. And yet, teenagers are my favorite. Seriously – they’re the best. 
So how do we help these young people become functional, contributing members of society, capable of maintaining relationships beyond a one night stand or sext? How do we help these young people be employable, gracious, respectful, and driven? It is no easy task, let me tell you. But here’s the reality – we aren’t just raising teens. We are raising men and women – we are teaching people how to become adults. Here are a few things I do to connect with my teens and help them manage their mental health, increase self-efficacy, and develop real-life skills.

1. Get on their level.

Yes, our teens are going to be adults before we know it. But that doesn’t mean they are adults yet. These kids are wedged in a terrible spot – their brains aren’t fully developed, they are growing up in a media-addicted, highly promiscuous world, they are ready to make all of these big decisions, but they’re not, puberty is a bear all its own, and then we adults come in and say “no” at every turn. It really isn’t a great place to be. So work on understanding.
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Photo from pexels.com
Make Urban Dictionary your friend. Urban Dictionary is a great tool for looking up all the weird new jargon your kids use. I use it any time I have no idea what one of my boys just said – then I can call them out if they’re being inappropriate, or I can respond appropriately. You don’t have to use the terms – by all means, be an articulate adult – but at least you’ll understand what they’re saying.
Do things that they like. Play video games, shoot the basketball, sit and watch movies, and just hang out with your kid. Sometimes teens are going to push you away, but it goes a long way when you can say, “Hey, you’re really good at this, and it seems really important to you. Tell me more about it/can you teach me how?”

2. Hold boundaries – and explain WHY. But don’t power struggle.

Holding consistent boundaries is essential. But when your angry teenager asks “why” you are enforcing a rule, saying, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the mom” is NOT going to help. At all. Don’t even think about it. Seriously. Stop. “We had a conversation, and I told you that if you couldn’t be home on time, you wouldn’t be able to go out this weekend. You chose to come home late, and so you won’t be able to go out. Let’s try again next week. I need to know that you’re safe, and having you home on time helps you stay safe, and helps you and I build trust.” Your teen might whine and cry and tell you you’re the worst person in the world, and that’s okay. Because it’s not your job to be their friend. It’s your JOB to keep your kids safe and help them become thriving, accountable, trustworthy adults. “Peter, I know you disagree with me. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree. You made a choice, and I need to enforce the consequences. I love you. I’ll give you some time to take some space, and later I’d like to check in with you again.”
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Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash
We all want to power struggle sometimes. Power struggling is turning the problem into you vs. me – it is forcing your perspective onto someone else. It’s guaranteed to fail. But don’t feel like a failure – we have all done it. It takes practice to identify when you’re power struggling and when you’re engaging in healthy conflict. But it’s so important. Be willing to put down the rope. Remember that even when your teen is absolutely pissing you off, it has to be you AND your teen vs. the problem. “Katie, I love you, and I have to keep you safe. That’s why you can’t be sending photos like that to boys, and that’s why I’m going to take your phone away for a little while. When you’re ready, I want to talk to you about this, but you seem too mad right now, and that’s okay.” Then you go calm down, scream in your closet, freak out, and self-care. Then go back and talk to your daughter about sexual safety, cyber safety, self-respect, and all the other really important things your kid needs to learn. 

3. Require your teens to pull their own weight.

Being a member of a family means that you pull your own weight. As a member of their family, your kids need to contribute. Doing dishes, doing their own laundry, helping prepare meals, sweeping the floor and making their beds are basic life skills. You have no idea how many 16-year-olds I have taught to sweep a floor, dice an onion, fold a pair of socks, and even make their beds. These are all things they will have to do when they live on their own. And it’s work before play. Require these things consistently – and if the jobs aren’t done, they don’t get to play video games, go out with friends, etc. “Andy, I need help with dinner. You can go out with the guys after dinner.” And if they’re friends are already there, put them to work too. “Hey boys, if you’re going to stay and hang out, I need one of you to set the table and one of you to help Andy chop veggies.” Super simple. And if they want to be defiant, kick the friends out. They can try to come back tomorrow. Teaching kids to work is healthy. It also teaches them vital self-efficacy which increases their self-esteem and decreases their depression and anxiety. Because when kids can DO things, they feel like more capable, successful, independent people.
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Photo from pexels.com

4. Spend quality 1-1 time with your kid.

Even if they don’t say it, teens still want and need connection with their parents and other authority figures. Life is hard and they need someone to confide in. Make sure you regularly spend time with your kid – give them opportunities to talk about anything, trivial or otherwise, and teach them about who you are – let them get to know you. If you’re really brave, you might even say, “What can I do to support you better? What do you need from me?” Most of the time kids will be pretty honest and have some really good feedback. Play tennis, hike, go to breakfast, etc. If you want your kid to listen to you, you need to listen to them. And if you want your kid to be better about hearing the word “no” they also have to connect with you in positive ways. Teens who spend quality time with their parents are less likely to participate in deviant behaviors, more willing to take accountability, and better able to build and maintain healthy relationships.

5. Expect mistakes. 

Your teens are going to mess up. They are adults-in-training, and they haven’t figured it out yet. Instead of freaking out that your kid messed up and worrying so much about the behavior, focus on the recovery plan. “Okay Andrew, you messed up. What are you going to do about it?” Often our kids will have ideas. And if we work with them to solve problems, they will learn crucial skills about problem-solving, integrity, accountability, respect, work, and forgiveness. When we approach this as, “You made a mistake, and there are consequences, but the bigger issue is, what’s your game plan now?” instead of, “I can’t believe you did that. What is wrong with you?!” we invite our kids to be honest and we show them that we are on their side. While we are going to hold them accountable for their poor choices, we are also going to help them through. Prioritize their growth, not their past choices.
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Photo from pexels.com

6. Don’t rescue your teen!

This is probably the biggest mistake I see parents make. It is the number one thing I re-teach kids. They are so used to being rescued that when I don’t rescue them they freak out. But don’t worry – with time and consistency it gets better. “No Emily, I can’t bring your homework to you. I’m really sorry you forgot it, but you are responsible for that. You’ll have to turn it in late.” “But Dad, I’m going to get a lower grade!” “I know, and that sucks. This is a great opportunity for you to learn responsibility.” Then you can help Emily with ideas: keep finished homework in your backpack, get up earlier, double-check your things before you leave home in the morning, etc. It is okay for teens to be uncomfortable – to need to sit with their choices, and to have to learn to clean up their own messes and deal with natural consequences. It is important and healthy. Let that be part of the process. It will save them in the long run. Because you aren’t going to be there when their human development professor won’t even accept late work and they are literally sprinting across campus their sophomore year of college to turn in a paper they procrastinated until the last minute. They have to learn BEFORE they get there. Having said this, of course you need to keep your kids safe – but I’m not talking about safety.
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Photo from pexels.com
And that’s really the great thing about raising teens – this is the time for them to make mistakes. They are learning how to become adults, and if they’re going to mess up, this is the time to do it. Much better now than when they have actual adult responsibilities. Teenagers are creators – they discover. They want to push the envelope, and they want to try new things. And that is so scary! But it’s also so wonderful. Because seriously, teenagers are the best. And I wish I had a credible citation for that!
Personal Practice 1Implement at least 2 of the above ideas with your teen this week.

References

Arbinger Institute, The. (2015). The anatomy of peace: resolving the heart of conflict. Oakland, CA. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., a BK Life Book.
Clarke, J. I., Dawson, C., & Bredehoft, D. (2014). How much is too much?: raising likeable, responsible, respectful children–from toddlers to teens–in an age of overindulgence. Boston, MA: Da Capo Lifelong, Perseus Books Group.
Heritage Community, The. (2019) Employee Handbook. PDF. Provo, UT.
Lamborn, S.D., Mounts, N.S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S.M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development 62, 1049-1065. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01588.x
Lansbury, J. (2014). Setting limits with respect: What it sounds like. Retrieved from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/04/setting-limits-with-respect-what-it-sounds-like-podcast/

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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