Power Couples

“Simply Put, Successful Couples are Attentive”

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Cover photo by Charly Pn on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees
In 1938, George Vaillant produced an unprecedented, monumental study on what brings happiness in life. Over the course of 70 years and with 800+ participants of men and women, his study analyzed every possible happiness variable from education and health to wealth and prominence. The final consensus? “Happiness equals love—full stop” (Vaillant, 2009). Perhaps this study simply emphasizes what we already know—beyond feeling rich, powerful, popular or even healthy, the most basic need we have is to feel loved. Romantic relationships provide a unique opportunity to know one another and to provide that need. As relational expert John Gottman put it, “Simply put, successful couples are attentive” (Fenske, et al. 2017). 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Being an attentive couple usually comes easily in the first stages of dating, but if that love and attention is not cultivated and couples are not careful, when stress hits—and it always does—much of the love and affection couples once so easily gave can dissipate. A good question to ask yourself is, how can you continue to be attentive and affectionate even when the pressure mounts? Here are just three ways that can make a world of difference to you and your significant other. 

1. Date night

Cliché, I know, but taking time to get away, just the two of you, is a huge statement. Date night is your time to say, “I see you. I care about you. You matter to me.” It can provide a much-needed break from the monotony of life and allow time to reconnect and stay current in each other’s lives. Research has shown that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their partners at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse. This practice must be allowed to continue for couples to thrive (Wilcox & Dew, 2012). 
Photo provided by the author

2. Physical touch

As simple as it may sound, small simple gestures of affection can go a long way in a relationship. Small acts of physical affection—such as holding hands in public, giving back scratches, and tousling their hair—remind your partner that you are there, you are real, and that you have their back. It also shows the rest of the world that you claim them as your own. Obviously, the importance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated here—but often it’s the small gestures of love that keep the fire burning. 

3. Communication

Take some time to talk every day. When couples spend long hours apart, the time they spend alone goes unknown unless they take the time to share about it. Your partner is your outlet, your confidant, your cheerleader, therapist and companion all wrapped into one. Talk about a gift! So take the time to be present with the one you love and connect on an emotional level. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in breaking down the wall between you two and allowing you to become one. 
Photo by Hanna Morris on Unsplash
Think of all the time, attention, and conversation couples create during their first stages of dating. Knowing all the joy that stage of life can bring, it only makes sense that couples work to recreate those same intimate moments and work over a lifetime to help their partner feel loved.
Perhaps Susan Sarandon said it best in her classic movie Shall We Dance:
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’” (Shall We Dance, 2004). 
Choose at least one of the following to do this week:
Surprise your partner with a date night! Bonus points if you can base your activity on something they enjoy doing.
Give your partner a nice back massage. Maybe they’ll even return the favor!
Schedule some time to talk about your day. Ask your partner how they are really doing and make sure you put your phones away and make eye contact! You might find it’s one of the most enjoyable parts of your day.

References

Fenske, S. R. (2017). John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want. New York: Rodale, Inc. $22.99. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 77–78. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673
Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman. (2018, January 30). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg
Toshiko Kaneda. (2020, January 23). How Many People Have Ever Lived on Earth? Population Reference Bureau. https://scorecard.prb.org/howmanypeoplehaveeverlivedonearth/#:%7E:text=Given%20the%20current%20global%20population%20of%20about%207.5,billion%20people%20will%20have%20ever%20lived%20on%20Earth.
Shall We Dance? (2004) | ‘Witness to Your Life’ (HD) – Susan Sarandon, Richard Jenkins | MIRAMAX. (2016, April 13). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FfW5iTe61k
Vaillant, G. (2009, July 16). Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop.” Positive Psychology News. https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/george-vaillant/200907163163
University of Virginia, & Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, U. (2012). The Date night Opportunity What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights. University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf

 

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.
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Love Languages, Love, Me

Self-Love Languages

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Written by Rian Gordon
Many of us are familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. These love languages represent the way we prefer to receive love in our close relationships, and include five categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. While learning and communicating our preferred love languages can be an enlightening way to unlock deeper trust and connection in our relationships with others, I have been pondering the powerful potential of how these love languages can change our relationships with ourselves. 
Not all of us are in situations where people we love are frequently showing us the love we need and deserve through our preferred love language. Whether you are single, working through difficulties in your relationship, or simply living away from close friends and family, sometimes the only person that we can rely on to show us consistent and careful love is US. 
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Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash
So how can we learn to better speak our love language in our relationship with ourselves? As with any other situation in which we are seeking to strengthen our communication skills, the first step involves gaining understanding, and the second, practice! In order to show yourself love in your preferred love language, you have to know what that preferred love language is! It requires a little self-awareness and a knowledge of your own needs and desires. This quiz from Dr. Chapman’s website is a great tool to help you figure out your love language if you are having trouble identifying it on your own. 
* Note: Your primary love language for how you like to receive love from others may be different from how you like to receive love from yourself (what I like to call your self-love language). Try out different things, and learn what works the best for you! 
After you know how you like to receive love, you have the power to start practicing showing that love to yourself! Intentionally work activities into your routine that give you time to show yourself love and compassion in the way that you like to receive it most. 
Here are some ideas for how you can show yourself love in your preferred self-love language (there are lots more – get creative!):

Words of Affirmation

The words we say have power – especially the ones we say to ourselves. Regardless of your preferred self-love language, each of us can benefit from speaking kinder and more loving words to ourselves! If Words of Affirmation is your preferred self-love language, these little efforts will make a big difference in strengthening your relationship with yourself. 
  • Practice thinking kind thoughts about yourself.
  • Write yourself a love letter.
  • Listen to your favorite music, book, or poetry.
  • Implement positive affirmations into your daily routine.
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Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash

Acts of Service

Individuals who prefer acts of service are often very other-focused and are constantly worried about the needs of those around them. How often do you really think about your needs and do something nice for yourself? If you need someone to give you permission, then here you go!
  • Ask yourself what you need today, and then go do it.
  • Say “no” to something unnecessary on your “to-do” list. 
  • Perform a service for someone else (alright, alright, sometimes, this is just what you need to feel a little extra love in your day!). 

Gifts

Giving a meaningful gift is not always about how much money it costs; it’s more about the thought that goes into getting and giving the gift. Take some time to think about your needs, and treat yourself to something that will be meaningful to you!
  • Budget some money each month to buy yourself a small gift.
  • Get yourself a treat while out running errands.
  • Make yourself something.
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Photo from pexels.com

Physical Touch

The love language of Physical Touch is all about physical experience and connecting to your body. A great way to show yourself love in ways that relate to physical touch is by connecting to your senses, and by showing your body some extra love. 
  • Give yourself a foot, hand, or neck massage (or splurge a little and get a professional massage). This is a great video to help guide you through some simple and relaxing self-massage! 
  • Take a bath and be sure to use your favorite bath salts, bath bombs, or essential oils. 
  • Get into your body with some movement you enjoy.
  • Give yourself a hug.

Quality Time

When you date someone else, you make sure to spend a lot of time with them so you can get to know them. But are we willing to do the same for ourselves? Spending time to re-connect with yourself and get to know who you are in the present moment can be so healing and enlightening. Take some time to get to know yourself better today!
  • Take yourself out on a date.
  • Spend some time out in nature.
  • Implement a meditation practice into your day.
  • Go on an adventure and try something you have always wanted to try. 
Regardless of your situation, you deserve love, and practicing self-love is a great way to guarantee that you will get it! Get to know your preferred self-love language and start showing yourself some love more intentionally today!
Personal Practice 1Discover your self-love language, and implement one practice to show yourself some love this week. 

References

10-Minute Yoga For Self Care – Yoga With Adriene. (2017, February 12). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpW33Celubg
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Moody. (n.d.). Discover Your Love Language. Retrieved January 30, 2020, from https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love Languages, Power Couples, Project Parent

Our Human Need for Physical Touch

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Written by Betty Gray
Morrie Schwartz, the subject of Mitch Albom’s award-winning novel Tuesdays with Morrie, states that he truly didn’t learn to live until he was dying of the fatal illness amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, i.e. Lou Gherig’s Disease. As I stayed up one night unable to put the book down I came across the following thought-provoking passage, “The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads- none of us got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of- unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.” 
The more I ponder this statement the more I have to say I agree. Even as a 25-year-old there are many times I simply want to be held, to feel that closeness that comes from the tight embrace of another human being. I suspect this is a desire that never leaves us, one that is part of our deeper nature and desire to connect with others, and I believe we need it even more than we realize. Do we have “enough” affection and physical touch in our lives as is stated by Mr. Schwartz? In our day and age, I don’t think so. 
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Photo from pexels.com
The moment that physical touch becomes vital actually begins at birth. Physical contact (i.e. skin-to-skin) after birth and throughout infancy has been proven scientifically to have beneficial physiological effects on the infant. This even goes a step further where the skin to skin contact after birth aids in activating maternal attachment (Phillips, 2013). I have personally felt this in my own life when my daughters were in the NICU for days before I was able to hold them and then the moment to hold them finally came and I instantly felt a motherly connection.
As infants develop the benefits of physical touch are numerous. In one of my favorite parenting books, Super Baby by Dr. Jenn Burman, an entire chapter is devoted to the importance of touch along with references to current research. Based on the current body of literature eight benefits of touch for children have been listed (Berman, 2010) and they include:
  1. Smarter children.
  2. Healthier digestion.
  3. Improved weight gain.
  4. Improved immune system.
  5. Better sleep.
  6. Enhanced muscle tone and coordination.
  7. More developed sensory awareness.
  8. Better ability to handle stress.
As we develop over the years from infant to adults our desire to be touched and loved never goes away, in fact, it matures as we mature. Personally when I have moments where the worries of life bring me anxiety I often find that the best cure is simply to be held. My breathing slows, my chest relaxes, and my thoughts focus. As I feel compassion and connection from the person holding me, the mental and physical grip of anxiety loosens and melts away. 
Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California Berkeley, conducted an experiment in his lab asking if humans can communicate compassion through touch. In one particular study, he built a barrier that separated two strangers from each other. One person would stick their arm through a barrier and a person on the other side of the barrier would try and convey an emotion from a list they were given in one-second increments of touch. The other person would have to try and figure out which emotion was being conveyed. The results were remarkable. In describing the results Dr. Keltner states, “Given the number of emotions being considered, the odds of guessing the right emotion by chance were about eight percent. But remarkably, participants guessed compassion correctly nearly 60 percent of the time. Gratitude, anger, love, fear—they got those right more than 50 percent of the time as well.” (Keltner, 2010)
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Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash
Once we realize the extent of how necessary physical affection and connection with other people is, the question then becomes, why do we sometimes go out of our way to avoid it? As I’ve pondered this conundrum I’ve had a few thoughts that I will share. One reason I’ve found to be a common theme amongst myself and those I’ve discussed this with is a lack of vulnerability. Physical touch requires two people, it’s inviting another person to share our moment of happiness, contentment, sorrow, pain or grief. Simply put, it exposes our most raw selves to someone else. This can lead to another reason we might attempt to shy away from physical touch: fear. We might fear that the other person will not respond appropriately, maybe misread intentions, or perhaps even reject us entirely. Despite these valid fears or concerns, we must overcome them. Our emotional health depends on it.
Just as there is a multitude of different emotional states, so too are there varying types of appropriate physical touch, and all of them are vital to human connection. Think of the emotional benefits you have personally derived from receiving a hug, someone rubbing your feet after a long day, an embrace from a lover, or even a simple hand on the shoulder after a job well done. It makes us feel good. It connects us. In our day and age of social media, Skype, and other impersonal electronic modes of communication I daresay Mr. Schwartz is right, we don’t get enough physical touch. We don’t get enough connection. I challenge each of us to ponder how we can develop more meaningful relationships through physical touch.
Personal Practice 1This week, look for opportunities to engage in appropriate, consensual physical touch.

References

Berman J. SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years. Chapter 4. Pages 73-76. Sterling New York, NY; 2010.
Keltner, D. (2010, September 29). Hands On Research: The Science of Touch. Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research
Phillips, R. (2013). The Sacred Hour: Uninterrupted Skin-to-Skin Contact Immediately After Birth. Newborn and Infant Nursing Reviews, 13(2), 67–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/ 10.1053/j.nainr.2013.04.001
Widström, A., Brimdyr, K., Svensson, K., Cadwell, K., & Nissen, E. (2019). Skin‐to‐skin contact the first hour after birth, underlying implications and clinical practice. Acta Paediatrica, 108(7), 1192–1204. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/apa.14754

 

*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!

 

 

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Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
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