Cover Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash
Written by Rian Gordon
If you have experienced what is known as “mom guilt”, you are certainly not alone. Moms are notoriously known for being hard on themselves, and it’s no wonder with the seemingly impossible expectations and pressures to perform that flood in from social media, advertising, family, teachers, religious leaders, parenting experts, etc.
Guilt vs. Shame
First, we need to clear something up. Guilt involves feeling bad after making a mistake or poor choice, and it motivates us to work towards change as we try and do better next time. Shame, on the other hand, prevents us from making positive change, since it causes us to label ourselves as bad or a failure.
Guilt says, “I made a mistake. What changes can I make so that I can do better next time?”
Shame says, “I made a mistake. I must be a terrible mother.”
This distinction is important because mom “guilt” is not actually guilt at all, it is SHAME (Sutherland, 2010). Making mistakes and experiencing guilt is actually an important part of our development as a mother, as it helps us to reassess, make positive changes, and become better moms (Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010)! When we get stuck in shame, on the other hand, we become caught in an unhealthy cycle of self-defeat and comparison, and our progress and growth as a mother become majorly hindered.
So how do we avoid getting stuck in this cycle of shame?
Where does mom guilt come from?
First, let’s start by discussing where mom guilt (ehem *SHAME*) comes from, and why it’s so easy to subscribe to. Mom guilt is all about EXPECTATIONS – what we and others expect our mothering to look like, and whether or not we feel like we live up to those expectations (Liss, Schiffrin, & Rizzo, 2012; Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010). These expectations or standards can be ones that we consciously choose to hold ourselves to, or they could be ones that influence us more unconsciously from the messaging that we are constantly receiving through the media or other channels.
Here are just a few of the areas you may feel pressure in as a mother:
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Type of birth to have: Natural vs. Epidural, what kind of doctor to use, at-home birth vs. hospital birth
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Breastfeeding: To breastfeed, or not to breastfeed? How long? Pumping or formula?
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Sleeping: Should I co-sleep? When should my baby be sleeping through the night? Should I sleep train?
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Whether or not to work outside the home: When to go back to work, daycare and babysitter options, how being away affects my child
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Productivity: How can I still be “productive” during the day while I am trying to take care of my baby?
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Social media: Privacy for my baby, pressure to maintain some sort of image, feeling like I have to be a “Pinterest” mom
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Play: How much should I play with my baby? Free play vs. structured play, what kind of toys should I provide for my baby?
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Schooling: When to start, homeschool/public school/private school, at-home learning
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Disciplining: What it should/shouldn’t look like
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Having more kids: How can I divide my time and give each child enough attention?
Etc. etc. etc…
We are constantly being bombarded by expectations that are oftentimes unrealistic and even conflicting (ie. “care for yourself, but also sacrifice everything for your children”), and that can cause some major shame and even cognitive dissonance when we feel like we aren’t living up to what is expected of us.
When many of these expectations are unconscious, it may seem impossible to break ourselves out of the cycle of shame due to unrealistic and unmet expectations. But there is hope! There are several things we can do to help ourselves move away from these impossible standards that create mom guilt in our hearts and minds.
1. Let Go of “Shoulds”
Do you ever say to yourself, “I really should be doing x, y, or z…”, “I should be doing _____ this way!”, “I shouldn’t ______,” or another phrase that contains some form of the word should? This word is a red flag that can alert us to unconscious expectations that may be affecting us in unhelpful ways! When you find yourself thinking “I should,” or “I shouldn’t,” ask yourself, “SAYS WHO?” Identify where that expectation is coming from. More often than not, it will not be coming from you, but from an outside source that is not familiar with your personal needs, or the needs of your children and family. When that is the case, let go of that should, and focus instead on what you want, need, and CHOOSE. This will allow you to act more intentionally in ways that align with your core values, your desires and goals for your family, and who you want to become as an individual and a mother. The more your actions line up with what you want rather than what you think others expect of you, the more you will learn how to trust yourself, and the further you will move from shame as a motivator.
2. Create Your Own Measuring Stick
Being a recovering perfectionist myself, I thrive off of feedback and validation from others. But when I became a mom, I didn’t have anyone sitting next to me telling me what a good (or bad) job I was doing. What I DID have was a mental “measuring stick” made up of all of the things that I thought made someone a good mom (this was really just my way of framing the expectations that I had for myself). When I didn’t feel like I was measuring up, which was often, it sent me into a whirlwind of shame and anxiety. It wasn’t until my therapist said to me, “There are hundreds of different ways to make bread,” (this was a metaphor for my negative black-and-white thought pattern, not actual baking advice) that I realized that maybe there was more than one way to be a good mom, and maybe that would look different for me than it did for others. Maybe I could even CREATE my own “good mom measuring stick” and decide what worked best for me and my little one!
If you find yourself constantly struggling with feeling like you are falling short as a mother, take a look at how you are measuring your success.
Here are two questions that I ask myself at the end of the day when I want to check in:
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Are my kids alive and relatively well?
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How did I connect with my kids today?
As you create your own version of what it means to be a good mother, my advice would be to keep it simple, to focus on what you can control (which is most likely your own thoughts and actions, NOT those of your child), and to focus on your overall relationship with your kids. As Dr. Julie Hanks has said, “Kids aren’t a product, they’re a relationship.” (Hanks, 2016)
3. Make mistakes! Your children will thank you
No matter how much pressure we feel, it is critical to remember that in reality, there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother. EVERY mom makes mistakes. However, just because you are not a perfect mom, does not mean that you can’t be the best mom for your children. I personally believe that my children came to me for a reason. They chose me because I was the mom they needed. I am far from perfect, but as I learn what being a mother means to me, and allow my mistakes to shape and mold me as a mom, the more confident I become that I can give my children what they need.
Any time you feel like you are falling short, remind yourself that research has shown that children learn better how to deal with failure, own up to and take responsibility for their mistakes, and regulate their emotions when they see how we deal with our own mistakes and shortcomings (Nelson, 2018). Do not be afraid to be imperfect in front of your children. Talk with them about your failures, and admit your mistakes. Do so confidently knowing that your imperfections are a blessing to your children far more than they are a curse.
4. “Mom” is not your only role
Finally, remember that you are not just “mom”. You are a multi-faceted human being with hopes, dreams, needs, desires, and passions that are not only connected to your role as a mother! Be sure to take the time to nurture ALL of the parts of yourself, and don’t feel like you have to give up who you are as an individual to be a good mom. Learning to define yourself by all the facets of you, and not just by your role as a mother will help you to feel more whole, and will carry you through the moments where you feel that you are learning and growing as a mom in less-than-perfect ways.
Take a look at your current “good mom measuring stick”. Where are your expectations coming from? Are they realistic? Are they positively motivating you to become the mom you want to be, or are they causing unneeded stress and shame?
References
Brown, B. (2018). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “what will people think?” to “I am enough”. Vancouver, B.C.: Langara College.
Hanks, J. (KSL). (2016, August 15). Motherhood, Guilt About Not Being Productive, and Beliefs about Motherhood that Hurt Us: KSL Radio Mom Show [Audio podcast]. Retrieved from http://www.drjuliehanks.com/2016/08/15/motherhood-guilt-about-not-being-productive-and-beliefs-about-motherhood-that-hurt-us-ksl-radio-mom-show/
Liss, M., Schiffrin, H. H., & Rizzo, K. M. (2012). Maternal Guilt and Shame: The Role of Self-discrepancy and Fear of Negative Evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(8), 1112-1119. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9673-2
Mcleod, S. (2018, February 05). Cognitive Dissonance. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html
Nelson, J. (2018, November 13). Flawed Parents are the Best Tutors for Children. Retrieved June 26, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/flawed-parents-are-the-best-tutors-for-children/
Rotkirch, A., & Janhunen, K. (2010). Maternal Guilt. Evolutionary Psychology, 8(1), 147470491000800. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491000800108
Sutherland, J. (2010). Mothering, Guilt and Shame. Sociology Compass, 4(5), 310-321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9020.2010.00283.x
