For some, chatting with children comes very naturally. But for many, it can feel uncomfortable and awkward. As we age, we tend to understand children less and less. The way they think, communicate and view the world becomes foreign to us, even though we too were once children.
Think of the last conversation you had with a young child. It probably felt a little one-sided! They probably didn’t get the punch line to your joke or answer the question you asked in the first place. The fact of the matter is, kids speak differently than adults, and if we hope to foster intelligence and success in our children, we need to do a better job of meeting them where they are at developmentally.
Here are the basic tenets of speaking children-ese. Mastering these basics will help you feel more confident in conversing and connecting with the children in your life.
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Speaking to children is just as much a physical activity as it is verbal.
The physical act of getting down to a child’s level cannot be underestimated. This communicates to the child, “I’m here. What you have to say is important. And I’m ready to give you my full attention.” When we talk about getting down to a child’s level, we mean quite literally, get down to a child’s level! Once you’re down, look them in the eyes. Eye contact communicates to the child that they can expect to be taught something and engages their focus (Csibra & Gergely, 2009). Literally reaching out and gently touching the child then lays the groundwork for verbal communication as it instills a sense of security and affection (Gordon et al., 2010).
When it comes to words, less is more.
Kids are very literal. Metaphors and sarcasm are often lost on them unless concisely explained. Similarly, our society is filled with cultural norms and niceties that confuse children. Common phrases like “I’d prefer it if you…” or “I’d feel more comfortable if…” send a complicated message by giving children a sense of choice when in reality, there is none. “Please stop” and “This will keep you safe” have much more meaning to a child and leave no room for interpretation.
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As adults, we tend to constantly be thinking of the future and what’s next on our to-do list while children tend to focus on the here and now. They are masters at living in the moment because developmentally, children cannot conceptualize the future well. Phrases like “we’re leaving soon” or “it’s almost time for school” are much less effective than, “you have time to read one more book before we go” or, “it’s time for school, please put your shoes on.” Verbal communication with children must be guided by two principles: be direct, be concise.
What we can learn from children.
Although we as adults are thought to be the teachers of communication, we can learn so much from children! We can follow their example by giving less thought to the future and slowing down and living in the moment. As well as by using direct and concise language to express ourselves.
The next time you talk with someone, practice communicating like a child by giving them your full attention, being direct and concise and perhaps most importantly, being present. Implementing these practices will be invaluable to your relationships!
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To sum things up.
The challenge of speaking children-ese is not so much that it is a foreign language, rather it is that it requires our full attention. As adults, we have to re-learn how to communicate simply and directly and cut out physical distraction and verbal fluff. The more we master these basics, the stronger and more meaningful our connections will be with the children in our lives.
The next time you chat with a child in your life, implement these practices:
Physical
Get down on their level
Look them in the eye
Reach out and touch them
Verbal
Practice speaking literally
Live in the moment
Be direct and concise
References
Csibra G, Gergely G. (2009).Natural pedagogy. Trends Cogn Sci. Apr; 13(4):148-53.
Gordon I., Zagoory-Sharon O., Leckman JF., Feldman R. (2010). Oxytocin and the development of parenting in humans. Biol Psychiatry 68: 377-382.
Romeo, R. R., Leonard, J. A., Robinson, S. T., West, M. R., Mackey, A. P., Rowe, M. L., & Gabrieli, J. D. E. (2018). Beyond the 30-Million-Word Gap: Children’s Conversational Exposure Is Associated With Language-Related Brain Function. Psychological Science, 29(5), 700–710.
Tompkins, V., Montgomery, D. E., & Blosser, M. K. (2021). Mother‐child talk about mental states: The what, who, and how of conversations about the mind. Social Development. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/sode.12551
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
I work with teenagers – and I love it. Teenagers are my absolute favorite people. And I work with tough teenagers – the teens with drug problems, crippling depression and anxiety, the teens who are defiant and disrespectful and refuse to go to school. I work with aggressive kids. I have been called every name in the book. And yet, teenagers are my favorite. Seriously – they’re the best.
So how do we help these young people become functional, contributing members of society, capable of maintaining relationships beyond a one night stand or sext? How do we help these young people be employable, gracious, respectful, and driven? It is no easy task, let me tell you. But here’s the reality – we aren’t just raising teens. We are raising men and women – we are teaching people how to become adults. Here are a few things I do to connect with my teens and help them manage their mental health, increase self-efficacy, and develop real-life skills.
1. Get on their level.
Yes, our teens are going to be adults before we know it. But that doesn’t mean they are adults yet. These kids are wedged in a terrible spot – their brains aren’t fully developed, they are growing up in a media-addicted, highly promiscuous world, they are ready to make all of these big decisions, but they’re not, puberty is a bear all its own, and then we adults come in and say “no” at every turn. It really isn’t a great place to be. So work on understanding.
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Make Urban Dictionary your friend. Urban Dictionary is a great tool for looking up all the weird new jargon your kids use. I use it any time I have no idea what one of my boys just said – then I can call them out if they’re being inappropriate, or I can respond appropriately. You don’t have to use the terms – by all means, be an articulate adult – but at least you’ll understand what they’re saying.
Do things that they like. Play video games, shoot the basketball, sit and watch movies, and just hang out with your kid. Sometimes teens are going to push you away, but it goes a long way when you can say, “Hey, you’re really good at this, and it seems really important to you. Tell me more about it/can you teach me how?”
2. Hold boundaries – and explain WHY. But don’t power struggle.
Holding consistent boundaries is essential. But when your angry teenager asks “why” you are enforcing a rule, saying, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the mom” is NOT going to help. At all. Don’t even think about it. Seriously. Stop. “We had a conversation, and I told you that if you couldn’t be home on time, you wouldn’t be able to go out this weekend. You chose to come home late, and so you won’t be able to go out. Let’s try again next week. I need to know that you’re safe, and having you home on time helps you stay safe, and helps you and I build trust.” Your teen might whine and cry and tell you you’re the worst person in the world, and that’s okay. Because it’s not your job to be their friend. It’s your JOB to keep your kids safe and help them become thriving, accountable, trustworthy adults. “Peter, I know you disagree with me. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree. You made a choice, and I need to enforce the consequences. I love you. I’ll give you some time to take some space, and later I’d like to check in with you again.”
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We all want to power struggle sometimes. Power struggling is turning the problem into you vs. me – it is forcing your perspective onto someone else. It’s guaranteed to fail. But don’t feel like a failure – we have all done it. It takes practice to identify when you’re power struggling and when you’re engaging in healthy conflict. But it’s so important. Be willing to put down the rope. Remember that even when your teen is absolutely pissing you off, it has to be you AND your teen vs. the problem. “Katie, I love you, and I have to keep you safe. That’s why you can’t be sending photos like that to boys, and that’s why I’m going to take your phone away for a little while. When you’re ready, I want to talk to you about this, but you seem too mad right now, and that’s okay.” Then you go calm down, scream in your closet, freak out, and self-care. Then go back and talk to your daughter about sexual safety, cyber safety, self-respect, and all the other really important things your kid needs to learn.
3. Require your teens to pull their own weight.
Being a member of a family means that you pull your own weight. As a member of their family, your kids need to contribute. Doing dishes, doing their own laundry, helping prepare meals, sweeping the floor and making their beds are basic life skills. You have no idea how many 16-year-olds I have taught to sweep a floor, dice an onion, fold a pair of socks, and even make their beds. These are all things they will have to do when they live on their own. And it’s work before play. Require these things consistently – and if the jobs aren’t done, they don’t get to play video games, go out with friends, etc. “Andy, I need help with dinner. You can go out with the guys after dinner.” And if they’re friends are already there, put them to work too. “Hey boys, if you’re going to stay and hang out, I need one of you to set the table and one of you to help Andy chop veggies.” Super simple. And if they want to be defiant, kick the friends out. They can try to come back tomorrow. Teaching kids to work is healthy. It also teaches them vital self-efficacy which increases their self-esteem and decreases their depression and anxiety. Because when kids can DO things, they feel like more capable, successful, independent people.
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4. Spend quality 1-1 time with your kid.
Even if they don’t say it, teens still want and need connection with their parents and other authority figures. Life is hard and they need someone to confide in. Make sure you regularly spend time with your kid – give them opportunities to talk about anything, trivial or otherwise, and teach them about who you are – let them get to know you. If you’re really brave, you might even say, “What can I do to support you better? What do you need from me?” Most of the time kids will be pretty honest and have some really good feedback. Play tennis, hike, go to breakfast, etc. If you want your kid to listen to you, you need to listen to them. And if you want your kid to be better about hearing the word “no” they also have to connect with you in positive ways. Teens who spend quality time with their parents are less likely to participate in deviant behaviors, more willing to take accountability, and better able to build and maintain healthy relationships.
5. Expect mistakes.
Your teens are going to mess up. They are adults-in-training, and they haven’t figured it out yet. Instead of freaking out that your kid messed up and worrying so much about the behavior, focus on the recovery plan. “Okay Andrew, you messed up. What are you going to do about it?” Often our kids will have ideas. And if we work with them to solve problems, they will learn crucial skills about problem-solving, integrity, accountability, respect, work, and forgiveness. When we approach this as, “You made a mistake, and there are consequences, but the bigger issue is, what’s your game plan now?” instead of, “I can’t believe you did that. What is wrong with you?!” we invite our kids to be honest and we show them that we are on their side. While we are going to hold them accountable for their poor choices, we are also going to help them through. Prioritize their growth, not their past choices.
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6. Don’t rescue your teen!
This is probably the biggest mistake I see parents make. It is the number one thing I re-teach kids. They are so used to being rescued that when I don’t rescue them they freak out. But don’t worry – with time and consistency it gets better. “No Emily, I can’t bring your homework to you. I’m really sorry you forgot it, but you are responsible for that. You’ll have to turn it in late.” “But Dad, I’m going to get a lower grade!” “I know, and that sucks. This is a great opportunity for you to learn responsibility.” Then you can help Emily with ideas: keep finished homework in your backpack, get up earlier, double-check your things before you leave home in the morning, etc. It is okay for teens to be uncomfortable – to need to sit with their choices, and to have to learn to clean up their own messes and deal with natural consequences. It is important and healthy. Let that be part of the process. It will save them in the long run. Because you aren’t going to be there when their human development professor won’t even accept late work and they are literally sprinting across campus their sophomore year of college to turn in a paper they procrastinated until the last minute. They have to learn BEFORE they get there. Having said this, of course you need to keep your kids safe – but I’m not talking about safety.
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And that’s really the great thing about raising teens – this is the time for them to make mistakes. They are learning how to become adults, and if they’re going to mess up, this is the time to do it. Much better now than when they have actual adult responsibilities. Teenagers are creators – they discover. They want to push the envelope, and they want to try new things. And that is so scary! But it’s also so wonderful. Because seriously, teenagers are the best. And I wish I had a credible citation for that!
Implement at least 2 of the above ideas with your teen this week.
Heritage Community, The. (2019) Employee Handbook. PDF. Provo, UT.
Lamborn, S.D., Mounts, N.S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S.M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development 62, 1049-1065. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01588.x
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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
In the summer with kids home from school, it can be easy to let phones, gaming and social media become easy babysitters. Sometimes parents let kids play for hours on end. I have met kids so obsessed with their game consoles that they pee into empty Gatorade bottles and put off eating, showering, and completing other basic functioning tasks. Excessive or pathological gaming is associated with increased mental illness, impulsivity, social phobias, poor social skills, and lower school performance (Gentile, et al., 2011). Adolescents who consume games excessively report less life satisfaction and more symptoms of depression and anxiety (Rune, et al., 2011).
Don’t get me wrong, gaming is not all bad, and does have some positive effects like increasing the ability to switch between multiple tasks and improved eye tracking and attention to detail (Dunifon & Gill, 2013). But as with many things, moderation is important.
Requiring kids to spend time outside is essential for physical, emotional and mental development (Burdette & Whitaker, 2005). Part of this was discussed in last week’s article, “Go Outside – Your Mental Health Depends On It”. Offsetting gaming use with outdoor play is important. Research has shown that kids who report spending more time outside also report spending less time gaming (Dunifon & Gill, 2013). Here are some ways to help you manage your kids’ gaming.
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Monitor, or even turn off the console.
Some parents say that they cannot get their kids away from video games. But here’s the deal – you’re the parent, and that makes you the boss. If you pay for the internet, bought the console, pay for your kid’s phone, computer, the electric bill, etc., you control the gaming. And if you are a parent, you are responsible for teaching your kids to manage technology responsibly. You can turn off the console, set limits, and have standards and expectations surrounding tech use. You are also responsible for understanding and monitoring gaming ratings.
Teaching 10-12-year-olds 12 sessions of the Strengthening Families Program (to date) I have met way too many kids whose parents 1) buy games that are age-inappropriate, and 2) do not set limits for the amount of time their kids are plugged in. The kids whose parents monitor gaming consistently are generally most able to focus. They ask good questions, are respectful, and are the most emotionally mature of our clients. (This was not an official study; these are just observations I have made over the last 4 ½ years. Please do not regard this as official research.)
If you haven’t set limits, it will be an uphill battle at first. Enforcing a new plan is usually met with some push-back. But have courage, and be consistent. When your kids see how serious you are, and that you are going to enforce the standards you have set up consistently they’ll eventually stop giving you grief.
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Tips for limiting gaming (can apply to other things like internet/social media/desktop/phone as well).
Set a time limit. You may consider the ability to earn extra time as well. For example, if one of my boys wants extra gaming time, I expect that they will do something to earn it – wash walls, vacuum the stairs, etc. I “check off” this extra job, to make sure it was done properly. The job is done when I feel that it has been done properly.
Do your research to ensure that games (and apps) are age-appropriate and more importantly, that they fit moral and/or spiritual standards you have for your family.
Make outdoor play an important part of your kid’s life. I know of a family who requires their kids to be outside for at least 2 hours each day before video games are even an option. Other families expect their kids to spend time outside after 30 minutes of video game time. Some families have their kids do yard work for 30 minutes in the morning and then play for at least 30 minutes in the afternoon. However you do it, spending time outside is important for physical and mental development (Bowen & Neill, 2013; Palmer, 2019).
Enforce appropriate consequences that you can follow through with when standards and expectations surrounding gaming are not followed.
Be consistent. Consistency is the key. It’s no surprise that kids freak out when they lose their phone/console/computer when parents do not consistently enforce the same consequences for the same poor choices/behaviors.
Keep consoles/computers out of kids’ bedrooms. Gaming should be done in a family space, not a private one to help kids maintain appropriate standards for gaming: sending appropriate messages, playing age-appropriate games, being honest about the amount of time they are playing, and speaking respectfully and appropriately if using a headset. Consoles in bedrooms also increase the likelihood that a child will become addicted to gaming (Burdette & Whitaker, 2005).
Developing boundaries around gaming helps keep kids safe, teaches self-discipline and self-regulation, and makes room for more open parent-child communication. Setting boundaries like those above also guards against gaming addictions and other addictive behaviors. Setting limits like these can be hard at first, but have courage, and be consistent. While hard at first, it will get better.
Create boundaries around gaming use in your home. Be willing to make tough calls. Explain these new standards to your kids in a family meeting. Be sure to explain the WHY behind your new boundaries. Being open and helping kids understand WHY rules exist, even if they don’t agree with them, and exactly what consequences will be if broken helps them take ownership and be more open with you.
References
Bowen, D. J., & Neill, J. T. (2013). A Meta-Analysis of Adventure Therapy Outcomes and Moderators. The Open Psychology Journal,6(1), 28-53. https://doi:10.2174/1874350120130802001
Burdette HL, Whitaker RC. Resurrecting Free Play in Young Children: Looking Beyond Fitness and Fatness to Attention, Affiliation, and Affect. Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 2005;159(1):46–50. https://doi:10.1001/archpedi.159.1.46
Dunifon, R., & Gill, L. (2013). Games and Children’s Brains: What is the Latest Research? Retrieved May, 2019, from https://www.human.cornell.edu/sites/default/files/PAM/Parenting/FINAL-Video-Game-Research-Brief-5.pdf
Gentile, D. A., Choo, A., Liau, A., Sim, T., Li, D., Fung, D., & Khoo, A. (2011). Pathological Video Game Use Among Youths: A Two-Year Longitudinal Study. Pediatrics, 127(2). https://doi:10.1542/peds.2010-1353d
Palmer, A. D. (2019, June). Go Outside: Your Mental Health Depends On It. Retrieved June, 2019, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/go-outside-your-mental-health-depends-on-it/
Rune Aune Mentzoni, Geir Scott Brunborg, Helge Molde, Helga Myrseth, Knut Joachim Mår Skouverøe, Jørn Hetland, and Ståle Pallesen.Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.Oct 2011.ahead of print http://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2010.0260
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
It’s five thirty and your five-year-old walks into the kitchen saying he’s hungry. “Good, it’s dinner time!” you say, cheerfully, hoping to prevent an explosion. The three-year-old starts to whine and you slip him another fruit snack as you guide the two to their seats, bracing yourself. They mope. You encourage. They grumble. You barter. They pout. You bribe. They scowl. You threaten. They cry. You go make chicken nuggets.
There are few things that stress a parent out more than mealtime with picky eaters. What if you could just stop it? End the battle; call a truce – is that even possible?
Luckily there is a tried and true method to prevent problems and encourage healthy attitudes, AND it will calm the dinner battles right now! In the 1980s, a dietitian named Ellyn Satter wrote a number of books about feeding healthy families. Since then her principles have been tested over and over again and they are still the gold standard that dietitians use in preventing and dealing with eating difficulties. Here’s what you need to know to get started:
1. Trust that your children want to grow up
Your biggest goal for your children’s eating is that they become healthy adults with healthy relationships with food. Guess what? That’s their goal, too! Deep down, underneath those toddler impulses or preteen attitudes, they want to grow up and be mature adults, including in how they eat! Trust your child to grow up. Trust him, even when he’s acting like, well, a three-year-old. Even when he’s acting like a three-year-old when he’s ten. He still wants to grow up.
2. Honor “The Feeding Relationship”
Satter suggested that children feel secure and able to grow up when there is a division of responsibility in the feeding relationship. The parents have their responsibility and the children have theirs. If nobody crosses the line, things tend to work out!
Basically, the parents are responsible for the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is responsible for how much (if any) he eats from what is provided. I’ll explain.
What – Parents decide what is served. Choose mostly healthy foods. If you don’t want them eating it, don’t serve it. Or even better, don’t buy it! Make sure you provide three or four options for each meal, one of which is something that you know the child will eat, even if it is just fruit or bread.
When – Have meals and snacks at regular times throughout the day. For young kids, that means a snack every two to three hours. Besides regulating the child’s blood sugar and keeping her from getting hangry, this also allows you to more easily say, “It’s a bummer you didn’t eat anything at the last meal. We’ll have a snack in a couple hours.”
Where – Have meals at the table whenever possible. Provide a pleasant atmosphere – keep it light and cheerful as much as you can. Even though you can’t enforce how much they eat, you most definitely CAN enforce manners! Some children eat their fill (or at least say they are done) very quickly and want to run off and play. It is okay to set a timer (even five or ten minutes) to remain at the table and join the family in dinner conversation, even if she chooses not to eat any more.
How much – The child decides how much, if any, to eat. Sometimes they will eat like a bird and the next day will house three sandwiches. Children meet their nutritional needs over the matter of a week or two, not in a day. It is perfectly normal and fine if they don’t eat meat for a few days but eat a bunch a few days later. Overall if this division of responsibility is followed, they will tend to get what they need. However, if you are concerned about a very picky eater while they are working through this, talk to your doctor or dietitian.
Allowing your child to determine how much she eats also means no cajoling, bargaining, or persuading. Your child can smell an agenda a mile away, so if they sense that you are trying to get them to eat their brussel sprouts by talking loudly about how delicious they are, they may feel like you crossed their line and shut down.
3. What about sweets?
One of the first questions parents want to know is, “What about sweets?” Most dietitians give two options. Serve dessert only occasionally, but when you do, children may eat it ad lib (when it is on the table, it is part of the “meal” and therefore they get to decide how much to eat). The second option is to have a single serving of dessert pre-portioned, but to serve it with the meal, not after. Do not use dessert as a reward for eating more “healthy” food. Sometimes a child will even eat more dinner when they can go ahead and have their cookie first – then they won’t rush through and eat as little as possible to get on with dessert! The bottom line is that we don’t want sweets to become this forbidden thing. That is how we develop many unhealthy attitudes toward food.
So that’s it! Now you can go and have instantly pleasant meals with happily eating children, right?! Okay, okay, it is one of those parenting principles that is simple, but difficult to implement. It is so hard to sit there and bite your tongue while your child ignores the veggies yet again and goes straight for the roll. It is equally hard to bite your tongue when your stubborn child finally tries the cabbage at dinner, and when he says he likes it, instead of dancing around the kitchen, saying casually, “Oh yeah, it’s pretty good.” Just remember to take the long-term view. Your ultimate goal is not to get your child to eat his peas tonight. It is to have him grow up to be a healthy eater. Fixing nutrient issues is relatively easy compared to fixing an unhealthy mental pattern regarding food. Trust that they want to grow up. Give them the structure and freedom to do it, and be ready to be amazed!
Note: This article was written to address “normal pickiness.” Extreme pickiness may warrant help from an occupational therapist and/or dietitian. Sometimes there are underlying causes (sensory issues, anxiety, early feeding tubes, etc.) that make it more difficult for some children to overcome finicky eating. These principles still apply and are invaluable in overcoming it, but in these situations, special care must be taken and some tactics may need to be altered.
Write down a meal plan for next week’s dinners. Planning ahead will help you feel less stressed at dinner time, and can even help you save money while at the grocery store!
Danika Dunn graduated magna cum laude from Brigham Young University with a BS in dietetics and a one-year-old. Because she knows so well the practical stresses of feeding kids, she enjoys helping other families eat for better health – in mind and body. Right now she spends most of her time homeschooling her five children, folding laundry, listening to podcasts, and taking care of her bees.
I grew up a reader. I read, I was read to, I did summer reading programs at my local library, I stayed up until all hours of the night reading… rarely did I not have a book with me. I heard from my mom and teachers hundreds of thousands of times how important it was to read. I also heard from my mom that you had to give a book 50 pages before you could put it down and say that you didn’t like it or it wasn’t the book for me. She learned it from a class, and yes it does work because some books take 50 pages for the story to really get going.
What I did not know, however, was why reading was so important. I had speculated ideas about why and had always heard that it makes a person a better writer. BUT, as it turns, out there’s more to it than just gaining better writing or language skills! Reading helps improve our relationship skills as we are more empathetic and kinder when we read (Borba, 2017).
Research has shown that parents care more about their child’s success rather than their child’s ability to be nice (Borba, 2017). Because of this, there has been a drive for success rather than kindness often at the expense of other children. Reading helps to bridge the gap and create children and adults who are empathetic and understanding towards one another, which in turn, sets them up for relationship success (something that will impact them far longer than getting straight A’s). If you want to learn more about why empathy is important, read these articles here, and here.
What to Read?
There are a huge variety of books out there – everything from picture books to non-ficiton to science fiction. The best type of book to help with empathy and moral development is actually picture books (Borba, 2017)! Picture books tend to contain content that draws on emotions and real-life situations that kids may encounter (Borba, 2017). Reading these books helps children to understand problem-solving, dealing with their own emotions, and have empathy towards the characters in the story. If you’re not sure where to start with picture books, you can ask a librarian at your local library, or a quick search with a phrase like “best picture books of all time” will yield thousands of results.
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The second type of book that is best for building empathy and moral development is literary fiction (Borba, 2017). Literary fiction is a little different than general fiction, in that its value lies in the more serious and emotional nature of real-life events rather than simple entertainment value (Petite, 2014). Literary works of fiction include books such as The Book Thief, The Great Gatsby, and The Kite Runner. Literary fiction tends to help people be more empathetic, more skillful at taking the perspective of others, and more understanding of those who are different than they are (Borba, 2017).
Creating a Reading-Friendly Environment
While what you are reading can impact what you take away from the experience, consistent reading is actually what allows us to be empathetic and more understanding of others (Borba, 2017). Reading every day is where you will find the most benefits, whether it’s for 30 minutes or 3 hours.
Getting your child excited about reading can start even before they are born! Research has shown that reading to your child in utero can actually help stimulate a baby’s senses, improve brain development, and help with language development later on (Partanen et al., 2013). And those benefits continue as you keep reading to your growing child after they leave the womb. If you want to get your child excited about reading, make it fun! Use character voices, make up little songs or rhymes, or incorporate role-play. If you are reading a picture book, help your child point to what you are reading about. You can also try incorporating reading into your child’s daily routine. Having some family story time before bed is a great way to make sure you are reading every day! If you can cultivate a love for reading at home, children will be more likely to enjoy reading once they start attending school.
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Here are a few more easy steps that can be taken to create a reading-friendly environment in your home:
Have designated screen-free time, and areas of the house where technology isn’t allowed (Rassmussen, 2017). For every family, the time and area of the house will be different, but research typically suggests to avoid screens in bedrooms because it interferes with the human body’s ability to associate the bedroom with sleep, as well as falling and staying asleep (Rassmussen, 2017). Creating screen-free time and areas helps kids and adults find other ways to entertain themselves, and a great way to do this is reading!
Have books at home that kids and adults can easily see and access (Borba, 2017). Buying books is one way to keep those books on display in your home. Local thrift stores, book stores and online retailers such as Amazon are a great way to purchase books usually with some sort of discount. Additionally, purchasing books in the mass market paperback edition will save you money as well. However, I know that purchasing books can be expensive, which is why getting a library card is a great investment. Going to the library every couple of weeks (especially with kids) encourages them to choose books that are interesting to them and helps to maintain a fresh supply of books. Libraries also offer book suggestions for both children and adults, along with activities and events that get everyone involved in reading, such as summer reading programs.
Set aside time to read both individually, and as a family (Borba, 2017). Set aside at least 30 minutes each day to read together, on your own, or both. Reading together is great for kids who can’t yet read on their own. This can include reading picture books together, or even chapter books with simple plotlines that young kids can understand. Reading aloud also provides an opportunity to talk about what is going on in the story as well as encourage perspective-taking. As a side note, as kids get older they may prefer to read on their own or to their siblings or other children, but don’t stop reading together as a family – it is still beneficial for teens to read together with others.
Let’s Talk About It
One of the most important things you can do to help your child engage in reading is to talk about what you are reading, especially when you are reading together. When reading together, take the time to ask questions about characters in the books, or even role-play as characters. Researcher, Michele Borba (2017) suggests parents and teachers ask kids the following three types of questions as they read:
Ask “What If” questions. Ask questions such as: “What if you were (insert character name)?”, “If you were in that position what advice would you give?”
Ask “How Would You Feel” questions. Ask questions like, “How would you feel if someone took your toy?”
Switch the focus from me to you. Preface questions with, “Pretend you are a character (from the story).” Then ask, “How would you feel if you were that character?” This helps kids to switch in and out of different perspectives.
Asking these kinds of questions are just as essential a part of reading as discussing the story or plotline, since understanding the characters and their motivations is part of what makes reading so powerful. All three of these types of questions encourages empathy and perspective-taking, helping children be more empathetic and understanding towards others – qualities that will set them up for success in their future relationships.
This week spend some time reading every day. The length of time you read doesn’t matter. It can be two hours or ten minutes just as long as you’re reading. If you don’t have a book to read venture to your local library or book store and pick one up.
References
Borba, M. (2017). Unselfie: Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-about-me world. New York: Touchstone.
Partanen, E., Kujala, T., Naatanen, R., Liitola, A., Sambeth, A., & Huotilainen, M. (2013). Learning-induced neural plasticity of speech processing before birth. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(37), 15145-15150. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1302159110
Rasmussen, E. E. (2017). Media maze: Unconventional wisdom for guiding children through media. Springville, UT: Plain Sight Publishing, an imprint of Cedar Fort.
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
The next time you chat with a child in your life, implement these practices: 
