Project Parent

Mindfulness and Connection in a Digital Age

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Cover photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Written by Emma Smith

The Digital Pandemic

Everywhere we look there are screens; especially since “everywhere” lately has been relatively confined to our homes. We’ve done the deep cleaning, the organizing, and we’ve tried picking up that new hobby. When all else fails, TVs, laptop computers, desktop computers, cell phones, and tablets are our connection to the world in this seemingly endless quarantine state and these screened devices are quickly becoming our world. 
Children, teens, and college students alike are attending school online and spending hours in front of screens. Many adults as well are working from home via computer screens. When the school work is over, Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, all other streaming services, and a wide array of video games provide endless hours of entertainment all through screens. With the indefinite continuance of quarantine, how are we to balance it all and remain mindful and connected to family and friends rather than retreating into solitude with our respective screens?
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry found that children ages 8-12 in the U.S. spent an average of 4-6 hours in front of a screen every day (AACAP, 2020). The same study found that teens spend up to 9 hours in front of a screen daily (AACAP, 2020) and according to the market-research group Nielsen, adults spend around 11 hours per day in front of screens (2018). We are, or rather were, spending anywhere between 25 and 50% of our days in front of screens before Covid. We can only assume that the percentage is now higher. We need to take a step back and either unplug or mindfully view media as a family.

The Symptoms

For further context: research on media and its effects on people, children especially, has shown that media, particularly violent media, can have adverse effects. High amounts of screen time in general have shown to be a contributing factor to physical issues like poor diet, obesity, and diminished sleep (Domingues-Montanari, 2017). Viewing particularly violent media has been linked to an increase in aggressive behavior in it’s viewers (Coyne et al., 2008; Gentile et al., 2010). In conjunction with these less than desirable effects, there’s individual effects. In my personal experience since the beginning of quarantine and my increase in screen time, I’ve experienced more frequent headaches, more physical sluggishness, and, depending on the show I’m binge watching, less motivation to do my other tasks. I’m sure that personal evaluation will reveal similar or other effects. 
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

How to Treat It

Luckily, research has shown that media can be used as a positive and even unifying force in families. “Co-viewing” or enjoying movies, tv shows, video games, and other various forms of media together as a family can create shared memories and common ground (Broderick, 1993; Galvin et al., 2006). These shared memories and common ground create a base for family discussions and even inside jokes. Purposefully taking the time to make media viewing a family experience will increase family unity and help us to be more mindful about our media consumption.
Growing up, my family enjoyed watching movies like The Princess Bride and the old movie The Great Race with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemon. These frequent family watches resulted in an endless stream of family jokes that we still enjoy today. Now with my husband we derive from shows like Parks and Rec and playing video games together like Lego Harry Potter. These co-viewing or co-enjoying experiences strengthen family relationships and give shared meaning to conversations and jokes. 
Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
Understandably, not all media viewing experiences can be shared. Just with my husband and I, if we were to share all our media viewing with our online classes, reading, studying, and down time…. Well, then we would never sleep. What matters though, is that leisurely media watching is done together and becomes strengthening to the relationship. We must be mindful of our media usage. We can continue working and studying but when we turn to media for a break from all the work, we need to include those we love.
Option 1: Keep track of how much time you spend in front of a screen for one week and then think of ways you can cut back.
Option 2: Replace individual screen time with family tv, movie, or video game time for one week.

 

References

AACAP. (2020, February). Screen Time and Children. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Watching-TV-054.aspx
Broderick, C. B. (1993). Understanding family process: basics of family systems theory. Sage.
Coyne, S. M., Nelson, D. A., Lawton, F., Haslam, S., Rooney, L., Titterington, L., … Ogunlaja, L. (2008). The effects of viewing physical and relational aggression in the media: Evidence for a cross-over effect. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(6), 1551–1554. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2008.06.006 
Galvin, K. M., Dickson, F. C., & Marrow, S. R. (2006). Systems Theory: Patterns and (W)holes in Family Communication. Engaging Theories in Family Communication: Multiple Perspectives Engaging Theories in Family Communication: Multiple Perspectives, 309–324. https://doi.org/10.4135/9781452204420.n20 
Gentile, D. A., Coyne, S., & Walsh, D. A. (2010). Media violence, physical aggression, and relational aggression in school age children: a short-term longitudinal study. Aggressive Behavior, 37(2), 193–206. https://doi.org/10.1002/ab.20380 

 

 

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Grieving After a Miscarriage

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Cover photo by John Looy on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong
Around 15% of pregnancies in the United States result in a miscarriage (Swanson et al., 2009). A miscarriage — sometimes called a “spontaneous abortion” — occurs when there is a sudden loss of pregnancy prior to the 20th week. So many factors go into the creation and growth of a fetus, and yet often, the cause of a pregnancy loss can never truly be identified. Although there has been an increase in the discussion surrounding miscarriages, it seems that many women are unaware of both the physical and psychological impacts of a miscarrying (Mcgee et al., 2018). Not only is there a lack of knowledge, but there is a stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Although a large part of a miscarriage involves medical symptoms, focusing only on that neglects the psychological and relational aspects as well.
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Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Research shows that following a miscarriage, women, in particular, tend to experience “an initial shock, … ongoing symptoms, and … a forever missing piece” (Mcgee et al., 2018). If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief is normal. From the moment a woman (or a couple) finds out that they are expecting, their entire mindset changes. They begin preparing for a child’s arrival. They discuss baby names, they buy cute infant clothes. Every thought tends to revolve around the upcoming addition to their family. “Grieving a miscarriage [tends] to be difficult because [there are] no accepted ritual[s] for processing grief…” (Mcgee et al.,2018). And unfortunately, many feel like they need to suffer in silence. 
When a child is lost earlier in a pregnancy, parents-to-be are expected to accept it and easily move on. If neither the mother- nor father-to-be has felt their unborn child, or even had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, those outside of the relationship may think there is nothing to mourn.

Miscarriage

As someone who has lost multiple members of my immediate family, I can tell you that losing an unborn child is a completely different type of loss. I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself to go through it, so just be patient and don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
In their research study, McGee, PettyJohn, & Gallus found that, “Nine out of the ten women described a sense of isolation following miscarriage” (2018). Because women do experience so many physical symptoms of pregnancy, even if they have a male partner in the picture, mothers-to-be tend to feel isolated. Men have a hard time understanding what women are experiencing physically, and because men are mourning the potential of fatherhood, not motherhood, women tend to have a more difficult time understanding their pain in turn. Miscarrying tests a partnership in a different way than any other trial can. Be sure to give each other room to grieve in whatever way each of you needs, and be patient with one another. Share how you are feeling, seek to express empathy, and don’t hesitate to just cry together. 
Pregnancy or even trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage can be especially difficult. Not only can your body exhibit different symptoms, but there also tends to be deep-ingrained anxiety. It’s hard not to expect and assume you will miscarry again. These feelings are real and valid, but it is best to acknowledge why you are feeling this way and practice ways to help calm your fears. Discussing your anxieties with your partner or a loved one is a good place to start. What are your biggest fears in regards to pregnancy? How much of that stems from your experience miscarrying? Don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
If you have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss of any kind, please know that you are not alone, no matter how it may seem. You may be 1 in 4 women, but you are so much more than a statistic. That was your baby, and it’s okay to not be okay – no matter how long ago you may have experienced this. Time may not heal your wounds completely, but it will help you better understand what you are feeling. There is no specific way to grieve, and it is okay to feel angry or sad or even indifferent. 
Pregnancy loss may be common, but that doesn’t make your experience any less significant. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you if you are going through a miscarriage. Be patient with yourself and your body. Additionally, be patient with your partner and try your best to understand their experiences through a pregnancy loss.
Personal Practice 1Self: If you feel comfortable doing so, write down your experience with miscarriage. You can share this with others if you want, but try to reflect on how you may have felt during that time.
Others: If you yourself have not experienced a pregnancy loss, but know of someone who has, reach out to them. Be willing to listen and be prepared to talk about the baby.

References

Brin, D. J. (2004). The use of rituals in grieving for a miscarriage or stillbirth. Women & Therapy, 27(3–4), 123–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1300/J015v27n03_09
Mcgee, K., PettyJohn, M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516–530. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/15325024.2018.1484625
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner’s experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837–845. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/S0277-9536(96)00424-8
Swanson, K. M., Chen, H., Graham, J., Wojnar, D. M., & Petras, A. (2009). Resolution of depression and grief during the first year after miscarriage: A randomized controlled clinical trial of couples-focused interventions. Journal of Women’s Health, 18, 1245 – 1257 https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2008.1202

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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Project Parent

How to Be An Emotion Coach For Your Child

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Cover photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
This year especially, all of us have experienced a range of emotions, perhaps including but not limited to: anger, nervousness, fear, confusion, anxiety, discouragement, loneliness, and depression. If we as adults are experiencing these things, imagine what our children are experiencing.
Most children have some kind of normal routine. Last year they went to school every weekday. They had never been to a grocery store to find it bare, their neighborhoods and cities had not been vandalized, they had not been forced to stay inside and told they couldn’t visit beloved family members. Children who have been victims of domestic abuse and neglect no longer have the safety and solace that school provides. 
Children are being taught a different message than they were a year before: “It’s not safe.” And this is scary when we consider that children need to feel safe in order to develop secure attachment (among many other things). Many parents do the best they can to frame the events and information of the day as, “I love you, and so I’m going to keep you safe,” and therefore are able to be a secure base for their children, maintaining a healthy sense of security and warmth. This is wonderful!
No matter how we frame information, children are internalizing messages from parents, media, and the drastic changes in their lives. This year children have undergone major disruptions and changes, and while research shows us that children are incredibly resilient, we don’t know how these changes will affect the mental health and development of children long-term. 
I don’t want to scare you. But what I do want to point out is that, like us, children experience emotions. And those emotions, even if “negative” emotions, are good and important. Just like us, children experience anxiety, depression, fear, anger, confusion, loneliness, and so on. It is of critical importance that we respond to their feelings appropriately and coach them through these tough emotions.
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Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
John Gottman wrote a great book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”, and I want to share a few tidbits of that book with you to help you be an Emotion Coach for your child – or, in other words, to help your child become emotionally intelligent. 

Emotional Intelligence

First, it’s important to understand what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions in a way that makes you more resilient on the other side. Emotional intelligence is NOT pushing through your emotions quickly or dissociating from them. It’s about understanding your experience, embracing it, and working through it effectively, and with a growth mindset. “Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life including family relationships.”
Emotionally intelligent children are better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other social cues accurately, and cope with life’s ups and downs. Additionally, children whose parents are emotion coaches have better physical health, higher academic scores, get along with their friends better, and are able to self-soothe.
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Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

How To Be An Emotion Coach

Emotion coaches don’t object to a child’s display of anger, sadness or fear, nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life. They use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. 
Parents who invalidate and/or discount children’s feelings can cause children to doubt themselves and not trust their instincts. Emotional coaching requires empathy, good listening skills, selflessness, and the ability to put oneself in the child’s shoes. Emotional coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems….emotional coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions, even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear can serve useful purposes in our lives.”
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Photo by Ba Phi from Pexels
Emotion coaches do five things:
1. Become aware of your child’s emotions.
Emotional awareness simply means that you are able to recognize emotions in yourself and in those around you. To recognize emotions in your children, you must recognize emotions in yourself. When we observe our children experiencing emotions, even negative emotions, we do not dismiss those emotions or respond with disapproval. Emotional awareness leads to empathy and our next step.
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy
When we recognize that emotional expression gives way to the opportunity for connection and learning, we deepen our relationship. Talking to children about what they are feeling gives us the opportunity to teach them to understand their own emotions, teach them about the world around them, and build trust.
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Photo by Elly Fairytale from Pexels
3. Listen, empathize and validate
We all need people who are willing to listen, empathize, and validate – our children are no different. One of the hard things around this one is refraining from dismissing, disapproving, or even trying to rescue our kids from their problems.
4. Help children learn to label emotions
As children talk about their experiences and express needs, we can help them identify what they are feeling. It is important to help them label their experiences, instead of labeling their emotions for them. This is not a time to rescue our children from their emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, hurt, nervous, discouraged, confused, etc. Accepting that these negative experiences are a natural part of life actually helps our children build resilience and confidence. Dismissing or disapproving of negative emotions can, even unintentionally, teach our children that they are alone in their emotions, bad for having those feelings, that they cannot trust their instincts, or that something is wrong with them. But labeling their emotions helps them eventually process how to work through them.
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Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels
5. Set limits while exploring strategies
Boundaries and discipline are still an important part of parenting, even for emotional coaches. For example, we absolutely have the right to be angry, but we don’t have the right to throw our toys at people. Here’s where we really get to connect and teach our children. We take it a step further by helping our children explore solutions to their problems. Again, we do not rescue children. We hold them accountable for their mistakes, and empower them to find solutions. We act as their coach in this growth process. “When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations feel less mysterious which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then when conflicts crop up we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed the day may come when they are actually willing to hear our suggestions.”
While important, understand that emotion coaching is not a cure-all. Conflict is normal and discipline is important. Emotional coaching is about closeness, capability, and engagement, not removing conflict or the need for boundaries. 
Personal Practice 1
This week, take advantage of opportunities to practice being an emotion coach for your child(ren).

References

Esmaeelzadehazad, S., Valadi, S., & Gabbard, C. (2021). The impact of maternal emotional intelligence on young children’s motor development. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17405629.2021.1918094
Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Li, D., & Shi, J. (2021). Fluid intelligence, trait emotional intelligence and academic performance in children with different intellectual levels. High Ability Studies, 32(1), 51–69. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/13598139.2019.1694493
Persich, M. R., Smith, R., Cloonan, S. A., Woods, L. R., Strong, M., & Killgore, W. D. S. (2021). Emotional intelligence training as a protective factor for mental health during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Depression and Anxiety, 38(10), 1018–1025. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23202

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Guest Writers, Project Parent

Learning from Home: A New Normal

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Written by Anna Mader, BYU School of Family Life
“I don’t want to go to school! I hate school! Do I have to go? Can I just stay home with you?”
These were frequently uttered phrases in my household. And by frequently uttered, I mean I chanted them every morning before being carted off to school. Over time, my mom became concerned with how much I hated school and thought a temporary change in pace might help, so she pulled me out of fourth grade to homeschool me for a year instead.
Like my mother, other parents have turned to homeschooling their children, and the choice to homeschool has become increasingly popular in recent years (Williams, 2018). The National Household Education Survey has shown that parents homeschool for different reasons, including education styles, religious purposes, or moral character development (Montes, 2006; Ray, 2015). Other factors may be concern for long hours at school, bullies, and overcrowded classrooms.
However, with the COVID-19 pandemic, parents no longer had the luxury of choosing between public and home education with schools shutting down and classes moving online. Faced with this new reality, many parents have become more active in their children’s education to help their kids become lifelong learners. 
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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
For parents thrown into the new world of distance learning, the newness has been understandably overwhelming. Because I only had one year of homeschooling experience myself, I interviewed Jennifer Hunt, a working mom with two homeschooled kids, to gain perspective on the benefits and challenges of learning from home. 
Jennifer started homeschooling her kids long before the COVID-19 outbreak, and for her, the decision to homeschool came from the needs of her children, especially her concerns about their small size and emotional sensitivities. Jennifer’s background as a schoolteacher helped her feel comfortable trying this new role of teaching at home. When she eventually went back to work, her husband took on the role of homeschooling the kids by using online programs. These decisions helped Jennifer’s family grow closer together and placed her children in an already familiar and comfortable learning environment. 
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Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
While homeschooling and home-centered learning are certainly different, these words of advice for homeschooling parents can also apply to parents who are teaching from home and continuing educational experiences for their children in the summer months. Here Jennifer offers five pieces of advice to help parents feel more comfortable with home-based schooling:
1. “Learning from home and public school are different. You don’t need to replicate the school experience and school activities.” Experiment to find curriculum, activities, and a pace that maximizes your child’s learning of various subjects. 
2. “If homeschool doesn’t work for you, you can change your mind. Your decision to teach from home or not isn’t permanent.” As in the case of COVID-19, teaching from home is not forever! However, if you like it, it is an option.
3. “You do not have to know everything before your kid learns it. You’ve been teaching your kids their entire lives already. If you taught them their colors, sang songs, read stories, and used crayons, you’re already a teaching parent, and you can learn along with them.”
4. “You’ll almost certainly gain confidence. It will likely feel weird at first, but home-teaching is new, and anything new has an adjustment period.” Greater confidence in your teaching skills will come over time.
5. “You can always ask for help. You’re not alone in this, and homeschooling parents love to share resources and ideas. Trust yourself— your family is your own.” Whether you seek resources from friends who homeschool or fellow parents doing home-based schooling, connections are always there!
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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Jennifer also noted five perks she’s found in learning together from home in her own experiences with homeschooling:  
1. “Students can take longer breaks from academic subjects and come back to them later. For instance, our son was having a really hard time learning how to read words that were ‘ce’ words (like nice or face). We stopped practicing those reading lessons for a few weeks, and then came back to them later when he was ready.”
2. “You can extend learning to meet the child where they’re at. Sometimes children will be very advanced in a subject, and you can move them forward at a faster pace. Other times, they may be further behind and you can take things a little slower in order to solidify their learning.”
3. “You can follow your children’s interests and design a curriculum around them. For instance, if your child finds a fascination with polar bears, you can go in-depth using polar bears to teach various subjects.” Using an integrated curriculum, you can include polar bears in teaching math, science, and reading skills, for example. 
4. “You can make small adjustments to their learning environment that make a big difference. One of our children needs headphones to concentrate and needs to sit on the floor. Another child needs to work very hard in the morning and then take a long physical break before getting back to academics.” Recognizing and accommodating learning styles and needs can help children advance in their studies.
5. “You can learn so much more in a shorter amount of time. You can connect their learning to everyday life more easily, especially through field trips and hands-on learning experiences. After academics, our kids also have time to learn to cook, build, explore, and spend more time in elective-type activities.”
After several years of homeschool, Jennifer’s kids tried public school for a year, but ultimately decided to return to homeschooling. As Jennifer put it: “Your kids change and their needs change. You can keep making the same educational decisions or you can switch.” This new home-centered learning has been an interesting experimental phase for parents to discover what types of teaching best help their children, and how their children respond to both public and home education.
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Photo by Jessica Lewis on Unsplash
For me, my “gap year” out of the system proved to be critical for my personal development and growth. After a year of learning at home, I had learned to self-regulate my emotions and was prepared to brave the school system again. My new personal resources and abilities led me to enjoy my public school experience again.
This sudden shift to home-based schooling has been jarring for many, but it may help your child in unexpected ways like it did for me. Take these sensitive decisions case by case, considering each individual child’s needs and developmental level. In that way, you’ll discover much in the process, like Jennifer did with her kids, and my mother did with me.
Personal Practice 1Take one of these quizzes to learn more about either your child’s learning style or your own learning style! Understanding how your child learns will help you to make more informed decisions about what learning settings may work best for them.
Learn your child’s learning style: https://homeschoolon.com/the-learning-style-quiz/
Learn your own learning style: http://www.educationplanner.org/students/self-assessments/learning-styles-quiz.shtml

References

Barbieri, A. (2016, September 10). 10 good reasons to home school your child. Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/10-good-reasons-to-home-school-your-child
Hunt, J. (2020, March 2). Phone and email interview.
Martin, J. (2020, May 5). The Best Homeschooling Resources Online. Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.parents.com/kids/education/home-schooling/the-best-homeschooling-resources-online/
Matthews, D. (2019, September 16). Homeschooling: Is It the Best Option for You and Your Child? Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201909/homeschooling-is-it-the-best-option-you-and-your-child
Montes, G. (2006). Do Parental Reasons to Homeschool Vary by Grade? Evidence from the National Household Education Survey, 2001. Home School Researcher, 16(4), 11-17. https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED573485
Ray, B. D. (2015, January). Research Facts on Homeschooling. Retrived July 21, 2020, from https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED556234
Williams, S. (2018, November 03). ‘School is very oppressive’: Why home-schooling is on the rise. Retrieved July 19, 2020, from https://www.theguardian.com/education/2018/nov/03/get-to-be-free-rise-in-home-schooling
Villano, M. (2020, March 16). How ‘regular school’ parents can homeschool their kids. Retrieved July 22, 2020, from https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/16/health/homeschooling-during-coronavirus-wellness/index.html

 

 

AnnaAnna Mader is an undergraduate student from Houston, Texas is a Family Studies major at Brigham Young University.
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Project Parent

Considering Adoption: Reasons to and Not to Adopt

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Adoption is of course a huge decision – it is the forming of a triadic relationship between a birth mother, adoptee, and adoptive family. I believe this relationship to be sacred and beautiful. But it is also complicated and difficult. Now working for an adoption agency, I have seen first-hand the courage that birth mothers have and the patience of waiting adoptive families. Both have tremendous love and are in a state of crisis, worry, and hope. 
Those considering adoption have many questions to answer. First, why adopt in the first place? Then, can I afford adoption? What kind of adoption do I want? Should I use a consultant or agency? Am I prepared to answer a child’s questions about their adoption and birth family? And this is only the beginning. Choosing to adopt is a significant commitment with its own beauties and challenges. My hope is to give you a sense of the significance of adoption in this article, and if you are considering adoption, give you some things to think about to give you a better sense of direction and self-awareness.

Why adopt?

You may consider adoption because you want to grow your family, and this is wonderful. It is true that some consider adoption because of infertility, but there are many other reasons to consider adoption. Women who have had high-risk pregnancies in the past may consider adoption. Individuals not wishing to pass on genetic traits and hereditary diseases may also choose adoption instead of procreating. Some families simply want to adopt – they see a need in the world and want to offer birth mothers and adoptees an opportunity to thrive. Individuals may wish to raise a child or children without being in a significant relationship, and for LGBT+ couples looking to become parents, adoption is a great option. Some may also choose to adopt older children because they don’t want to raise an infant. Some feel a strong connection to adoption because they themselves were adopted. Everyone’s adoptive family’s path to adoption will look a little different. It is a big commitment and decision with a hefty emotional, financial, and relational burden.  
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Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash

What are some poor reasons to adopt?

My husband and I, who are very open about our infertility, have often been told something like this: “Well, if you can’t have your own kids, you can just adopt.” As if the adopted child is some kind of second-best or consolation prize. Though that comment may be well-intended, it highlights an unawareness regarding adoption and a mistaken belief that adoption replaces infertility grief. That is far too large an expectation to place on a child. (If you want to ask this question, instead consider validating a couple’s infertility and then say something like, “If for some reason your current plan doesn’t work out, will you consider other ways to parent or have children?”) Couples who decide to adopt often begin this journey because of infertility, but those who are most successful are those who are able to separate infertility grief and loss from the anxieties that come with the decision to adopt.
And with that being said, peer pressure is also not a reason to adopt. And it happens! People pressure their loved ones to adopt because they feel it will be so good for them. But that’s not a good reason to make any big decision, especially when adoption is concerned.
Do not adopt because you want to rescue someone. This perspective, though it comes from a good place of wanting to help, is a little off-base. The belief that you are rescuing a child can bring with it an unfair expectation that the child will be grateful to you – after all, you saved them, right? Wrong. While you are helping a mother and her child, you are not a savior to them. This perspective can create a sense of entitlement in your relationship with the child (especially in adolescence), as well as with the birth mother, and even your case manager. Really though, it’s just a terrible perspective, and I could write an entire piece on why.
And if your family isn’t on board, it really isn’t time. If your partner is “just going along with it” and isn’t really committed, don’t adopt. The process can be very difficult and emotional – your family unit really needs to be on board. And with that said, I also recommend having a good support system.
Adoption is also not a way to “fix” a relationship. Bringing a child into a family in any way with the intention that their presence will cure relationship problems is terribly unfair to the child, not to mention unrealistic. The adoption process can make relationships harder – it doesn’t make them easier. 
While there are other reasons, those are big reasons not to adopt. I do not want to persuade anyone away from adoption, but I do want people to be aware of why they want to adopt, and be sure that they are grounded and pursuing adoption for the right reasons.
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Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

What are some things I should consider when thinking about adoption?

Consider the type of adoption you want – finding a situation you are comfortable with is important. International, state, and private adoption are all good options but are unique and one may be better than another for a given family.
Families may also consider if an open, semi-open, or closed adoption is best for their family. Semi-open and open adoptions have the best outcomes for adoptees, and these benefits allude to a more healthy and secure sense of identity, better mental health, and more secure attachment. Families should consider what kind of and amount of communication they would like with a birth mother. 
Families should also consider their finances. Private adoptions often offer the most support and give families the most options for finding a situation that they connect with, but are often the most expensive. All adoptions also require home study, adoption education and training, legal fees, and some include medical fees and travel costs as well. In addition to saving for adoption, families can consider grants and subsidies for adoption. State adoptions are often the cheapest adoptions, and may be better suited to some families.
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Additionally, those considering adoption must also think about the specifics of adoption situations they are willing to consider: degree of openness, a race/ethnicity different from their own, prenatal drug/alcohol use, etc. All can impact their decisions. The more open a family is to a variety of situations, the less time they will have to wait to accept a child into their home. The more selective they are, the less frequently a potential match will present itself. You should only accept a situation you are comfortable with, but you need to be aware of the limitations and comforts of each choice you make.
For me, the biggest question is this: Are you willing and able to give up control? By moving forward with adoption, you are allowing someone else to have control of your family planning. Some families are presented to many birth mothers before anyone says yes. They willingly face rejection many times before they are told “You have been picked to adopt this child.”
Those using an agency and adopting from infancy meet the mother in the hospital and navigate the grief, anxiety and fear that comes with that moment, because at the last moment, the birth mother may decide to parent, and is of course well within her right to do so. As the child grows, they respond to their child’s complicated questions about their identity in their adoptive family and birth family. Some take out second mortgages and save for years. Adoptive parents willingly put themselves in vulnerable position after vulnerable position, hoping that someday a beautiful little child will call them “mom” or dad”.
Those wanting to adopt have many things to consider, and the task can feel daunting. Adoption is a long, emotional process, but it is beautiful and wonderful. One of my favorite things about my job is calling an adoptive family to tell them that a birth mother has chosen them to parent her child. They shed tears of joy, relief, shock, gratitude. It is a moment that changes their lives forever.
Personal Practice 1Reach out to someone you know who is going through the adoption process, as a birth mother or adoptive family, and offer emotional (and if you can) financial support.
If you are considering adoption, learn more and contemplate adoptions that you connect with.

References

Prestwich, V. (2020, March 24). A List of When NOT to Adopt • Heart to Heart Adoptions: Nationwide Adoption Agency. Retrieved May 1, 2020, from https://hearttoheartadopt.com/a-list-of-when-not-to-adopt/
Reihm, T. (2017). 5 Reasons NOT TO Adopt. Retrieved May 30, 2020, from https://adopttogether.org/5-reasons-not-to-adopt/
Slauson-Blevins, K., & Park, N. K. (2015). Deciding Not to Adopt: The Role of Normative Family Ideologies in Adoption Consideration. Adoption Quarterly, 19(4), 237-260. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2015.1121185
Malm, K., & Welti, K. (2010). Exploring Motivations to Adopt. Adoption Quarterly, 13(3-4), 185-208. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2010.524872
Zhang, Y., Harris, V.W., Diehl, D.L., King, S.M., & Speegle, K.C. (2018). Life-Changing Decisions: Exploring Proximal and Distal Motivations behind why American Parents Adopt Domestically or Internationally.

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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