Guest Writers, Project Parent

Getting Past “Fine” Responses from Your Teens

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Cover photo by Flora Westbrook from Pexels

Written by Lyndsey Kunzler
I made the daring choice to ignore the dismal box office numbers and went to see Dear Evan Hansen in the theater a few months ago. Despite harsh reviews, I found the production to be moving and I appreciated the complexity of the portrayed relationships. Evan’s mom, a single mother trying to provide for her family, made continual attempts to try to talk with and show her love for Evan, most of which were met with the typical cold-shouldered, short-answer responses one could expect from a teenager. Evan’s character is depicted as a high schooler facing intense mental health issues, the suicide of a peer, positives and negatives of social media, and other struggles with fitting in. The challenges he faces impeccably illustrate the myriad of difficulties that face modern teenagers in high school. The movie demonstrates that now more than ever, it’s important for parents to be involved in their teenagers’ lives. But how can parents be a part of their teens’ lives when their teens shut down in the same way Evan does when his mother tries to connect with him? Here are 5 things you can practice when connecting and communicating with your teen. 
Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

The Power of Specificity. 

Have you ever felt helpless trying to get your child to open up to you? Or maybe you’re all too familiar with the defeat that follows a well-intentioned question shot down by your teen. 
Dr. Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist who shares parenting tips on social media, made a video about common short-answer child-parent exchanges (it’s not just you!) 
Dr. Cohen reminds her audience that children spend their entire day learning, working, and experiencing new things at school (2021). She recommends helping your child to “break down their big experience in a more detailed and balanced way” by asking specific questions (Cohen, 2021). 
Photo by Ron Lach from Pexels
Instead of asking your teenagers general questions about their day when they come home, try asking specific questions like, “What did you have for lunch today?” or “Did your quirky science teacher say anything funny in class?” This approach can help your teens open up and give you more information about their day. 
Sometimes asking questions in general is too much for our teens. Having other ways to connect with children can be helpful to check-in with them emotionally. 

Find Your “Taco Tuesday”. 

In one scene of the movie, Evan’s mother fails to connect with Evan until she invites him to do “Taco Tuesday” with her. Evan’s face lights up and he responds more genuinely to his mom’s attempts to connect than he previously had. While no background is given, it’s discernable to viewers that Taco Tuesday has been an enjoyable and connective tradition between the two of them in the past. 
Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash
When words are failing, you might try finding ways to simply spend time with your teen to connect with them. Many child-therapists and counselors recommend using art as a way for children to feel comfortable enough to share about their difficulties (Patterson & Hayne, 2011). While your teenagers might cringe if you ask them to sit down and paint with you (unless painting is their thing), you might be able to engage in other art-related interests of your teens such as visiting an art museum, decorating cookies, or trying out a new art trend featured on TikTok.
In addition, you might try spending time doing other things your teen enjoys. For instance, recent research is supporting joint media engagement — where parents participate in video games, watching a show, or scrolling through social media with their child. Joint media engagement can increase family connectedness (Padilla-Walker et al., 2012). 
For many parents, the thought of trying to understand how to play Fortnite or watch the latest Avengers series on DisneyPlus might feel like a waste of time. However, setting aside time to be with your child, fully engaged in something they enjoy, can go further than you may imagine. Spend time doing things your teens enjoy to create space for easier transition topics that your teens want to talk about or that you want to discuss with your teens. Doing so will create shared experiences and increase the vulnerability and connection in your relationship. 
Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels

Mother, Don’t Smother.

Connection can also be built by being intentionally involved in your child’s schoolwork and activities. However, keep in mind that teenagers seek independence, and too much involvement can create division between parent and child. The sweet spot is when a parent can encourage their teen to work through difficult homework problems, offer help when the teen doesn’t understand, and promote developmental learning instead of fixed learning (Berkowitz et al., 2017). 
A developmental learning mindset is the idea that knowledge is acquired and not a natural talent. Help your teens to see that they can learn hard things with comments such as “you’ve worked hard to understand this concept” and avoiding comments such as “you’re so smart.” This approach can strengthen your connection and help build your teen’s confidence.  
Photo by sofatutor on Unsplash

Rely on Rituals.

You might find built-in opportunities to strengthen connection with your teens through routines that already exist or are easy to start. In my early teens, my parents introduced a new dinner ritual, inventively named “good and bad.” The game, as simple as the title, consisted of every person at the table sharing one good thing and one bad thing that happened in their lives during the day. Or, if you were in an especially sour phase of life as I was at 13, sharing two “bads” was an acceptable way to participate. This ritual allowed my parents a glimpse into how my siblings and I were faring emotionally, regardless of our desire to talk in depth with them. 
Photo by Any Lane from Pexels
While connecting with your teenagers may often feel like an impossible task, you can rely on the traditions and rituals you already have. Holidays, birthdays, and other special celebrations can provide opportunities for connection with your teenager that differ from the day-to-day connections that your teens are less receptive to. These events can bring up nostalgic, positive memories your teens remember, and open the gate to new memories being made. Asking your teens what they love most about these traditions and being sure to incorporate them will help your teens to feel that their opinions matter and recognize your love and care in a special way. 

When It Doesn’t Work, Try Again.

On the days, weeks, and even years where you feel you just cannot get your teen to connect with you, don’t give up hope. Remember to ask specific questions, engage in things they enjoy, show your teens support while honoring their independence, and connect over rituals and traditions. In the movie, when Evan was at a breaking point, his mother was there. She assured him she would always be there when he needed her. (She expressed this through song, which isn’t necessarily required to get the point across, but points for style!) While teens may do everything in their power to distance themselves from you, when push comes to shove, they will know they can count on you. Keep trying; your efforts mean more to them than you know. 
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!

References 

Berkowitz, T., Schaeffer, C. S., Rozek, S., Beilock, S. L., & Levine, S. C. (2017). The parent connection. Psychologist, 30(9), 28-32.
Patterson, T., Hayne, H. (2011). Does drawing facilitate older children’s reports of emotionally-laden events? Applied Cognitive Psychology, 25, 119–126. https://imperfectfamilies.com/art-journaling-with-kids/
Padilla‐Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., & Fraser, A. M. (2012). Getting a high‐speed family connection: Associations between family media use and family connection. Family Relations, 61(3), 426-440.
Siggie Cohen [@dr.siggie]. (2021, September 1). Who can relate? You pick up your child from school eager to hear how their day went. You excitedly [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTSuTUmhNva/

 

Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
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Project Parent

4 Tips for Talking With Kids About Sex

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Cover photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
The classic, “Mom/Dad, where do babies come from?” is a question that catches many parents off guard. In fact, research indicates that even though most parents believe this is an important topic to discuss with their children, many have yet do so because they worry that their kids aren’t old enough (Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), that talking about sex may encourage their children to engage in sexual behaviors (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), and that their attempts to tackle this tricky topic won’t be successful (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019). However, as more and more sexually explicit information becomes readily available to children at even younger ages, the more critical it becomes for parents to address this topic with their kids early on. Especially since research supports the idea that parent-child discussions about sex are protective factors against risky sexual behavior (Afifi et al., 2008). 
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Luckily, there are things you as a parent can do to help you feel more prepared to answer this question when it comes around, and to help your child feel more prepared and comfortable with the answer. Below, I discuss a few evidence-based recommendations that can help guide you as you seek to navigate discussions surrounding health and sexuality with the young people in your life. 

Deal with Your Own Discomfort

If you want to have successful conversations with your kids about sex, it is important for you to examine your own beliefs surrounding sexuality. Everyone develops their own belief system surrounding the topic of sex based on factors such as when and how the topic was addressed in their home growing up, religious beliefs, and personal sexual relationships and experiences (Hornor, 2004). These beliefs parents hold heavily impact their ability to effectively communicate with children about sex, particularly since kids pick up on the cues parents send when discussing the topic (Afifi et al., 2008). In a qualitative study, Afifi and colleagues (2008) found that adolescents who discussed sex with parents who were more casual and comfortable felt less discomfort and anxiety themselves during the discussion, which in turn resulted in less avoidance of the subject. It can be difficult to speak comfortably and casually, however, if you yourself have negative beliefs about sex. 
PPhoto by Elina Fairytale from Pexels
Because of this, I encourage you to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider? Becoming self-aware of your own beliefs and then being intentional about which beliefs you would like to pass on to your kiddos can help set you up for success in keeping these important conversations positive and healthy. 

Use Positive Communication Skills

Wilson and colleagues (2010) found that parents were more likely to feel confident discussing difficult topics with their child if they had a strong relationship, so make time to regularly talk and spend time with your kids. Don’t feel the need to create a fanfare or some type of event in order to justify talking with them about sex, or any other topic for that matter. Somers et al. (2019) suggest that speaking more often about sex in particular increases the likelihood of positive communication as well as more comfort with the conversation, so find natural moments to bring up and discuss bodies and sexuality. Great opportunities for this can be bath time, when you or your partner are menstruating, pregnancy, and watching nature shows.
Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash
Furthermore, when having these conversations, try not to lecture. Somers and colleagues (2019) found that conversations that were dominated by the parent and that did not leave room for questions or open discussion were not only less effective in helping children make healthy sexual decisions later on in life, but were actually correlated with higher amounts of adolescent sex.   

Build Trust Through Honesty

Trust is another essential element in maintaining a strong relationship, and, as Afifi and colleagues (2008) explain, also a key factor in adolescents’ willingness to have conversations with their parents about sex. When parents answer their children’s questions honestly and clearly, kids see them as a trusted resource and are more willing to come to them for sexual information (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can practice honesty in your discussions with your children is by using the correct terminology for body parts. Using correct terminology helps children avoid misunderstandings about bodies and sex and can also help them develop confidence in their bodies and practice body safety (Kenny & Wurtele, 2008). 

Build Confidence

Photo by Sarah Chai from Pexels
Self-efficacy, or the belief that you are capable of accomplishing a task, is another factor linked with more positive discussions between parents and children regarding sexuality (Afifi et al., 2008). A parent who feels more confident that they can successfully discuss sex with their child is more likely to have successful conversations (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can overcome any initial discomfort that you may feel in discussing this tricky topic is through practice! Consider watching yourself in the mirror and paying particular attention to your body language, since that is an immediate giveaway of comfort level. For those of you who are parents with younger children, beginning to have conversations about sex when children are little (even before they can understand what is being said) can also give you more opportunities to practice and get comfortable (Wilson et al., 2010). 
Finally, remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers. If one of your kids comes to you with a question you aren’t sure how to respond to, it is absolutely appropriate to say something along the lines of, “That is a great question! I don’t have an answer for you right now, but can you give me some time to think about it and we can come back together to talk about it before bed tonight?” Then follow up with them once you have practiced your response. Another option would be to take a moment right then to model some research and critical thinking skills and look up the answer together with your child. Either approach lets your little one know that you value their question, and that they can come to you for truthful answers. 
Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
It is likely that even with these suggestions you will not be perfect in having conversations about sex with your kids (heaven knows, I’m not, and I study this for a living!). However, as you gain confidence through practice, build a foundation of trust, and focus on continuing to develop your relationship with your children, you can move forward trusting that what you have to offer will be enough to help your kids move forward towards healthy and happy sexual relationships of their own someday. 
Take some time to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself these questions: Is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider?

References

Afifi, T. D., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it?: An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23(6), 689–721. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558408323841
Hornor, G. (2004). Sexual behavior in children: Normal or not? Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(2), 57–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0891-5245(03)00154-8
Kenny, M. C., & Wurtele S. K. (2008) Preschoolers’ knowledge of genital terminology: A comparison of English and Spanish speakers. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 3(4), 345-354. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546120802372008
Koren, A. (2019, January 31). Reproductive health for teens: Parents want in too. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 406-413. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1549635 
Somers, C., Avendt, E. and Sepsey, A. (2019). Parent-adolescent sexual dialogue: Does content and approach matter in adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors? Health Education, 119(3), 215-229. https://doi-org.ezproxy1.lib.asu.edu/10.1108/HE-08-2018-0038
Wilson, E. K., Dalberth, B. T., Koo, H. P., & Gard, J. C. (2010). Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 42(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1363/4205610

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She is married to her best friend Mark, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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Love, Me, Project Parent

Maintaining Your Identity in Motherhood

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Cover photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?” 
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom. 
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).   
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood. 

1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role

Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”. 
Photo by Austin Wade on Unsplash
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love. 
Try this:
  • Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
  • Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
  • Schedule time for intentional self-care
  • Read my article “Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt” for more information

2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right

One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue. 
Photo by William Fortunato from Pexels
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018). 
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
  • Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
  • Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
  • What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
  • If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
If you want more information on being a working mom specifically, check out my article “To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom”. 

3. Your other relationships still matter

Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
  • Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
  • Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
  • Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
  • Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games

4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions

You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity! 
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same. 
Photo by Michael Burrows from Pexels
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity. 
Try this:
  • Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
  • Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
  • Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming

5. Remember: There is a time and a season

While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said. 
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Photo by Katie E from Pexels
The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most. 
Try this:
  • Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
  • Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
  • Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience

Conclusion

It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!

References

Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Gordon, R. N. (2018, October 13). To work or not to work: What the research says about being a stay-at-home mom. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/to-work-or-not-to-work-what-the-research-says-about-being-a-stay-at-home-mom/ 
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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Project Parent

Supporting Teen Mental Health and Positive Risk Taking

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Cover photo by kat wilcox from Pexels

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Mental health among adolescents is a serious concern to many parents and professionals. Many of those who are now raising and training teenagers had a very different experience in their own adolescence. With social media, texting, school, and extracurriculars, today’s teens are never really “off”. The pressure to be seen as good enough, as belonging, but also as a distinct individual, is strong. How are we supposed to help teens balance all of this? 
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels

How prevalent is mental illness and risk-taking among teens?

We know that 50% of mental illness sets in by age 14, and 75% sets in by age 24. 40% of teens have had sex. We also know that about 10% of high school females report being coerced into having sex, and about 43% of sexually active teens report that they did not use a condom last time they had sex, and 1 in 4 female teens is infected with an STD, but most don’t even know it. Over 20% of teens report having binge drunk (having 5+ alcoholic beverages within a 2-hour span), and about the same number report having been passengers of an intoxicated driver. 10% report that they have driven under the influence. A third of freshmen report that they have tried marijuana, and we know that 90% of those using marijuana used alcohol and/or nicotine first. And here’s the really scary part: 20% of high schoolers say they have seriously considered a suicide attempt, 1 in 7 has developed an actual plan to end their lives, and 1 in 12 teens has attempted suicide.
With all of these terrifying statistics, how do we keep teens physically and mentally safe and healthy?
We know those fear tactics don’t work. We know this from plenty of research. They. Just. Don’t. Work. So what do we do?

Why do teens take risks?

The teenage brain is wired to take risks and to seek social acceptance and belonging. The need to be accepted by their peers is more than just “being a follower”. The teenage brain processes being socially adept and accepted as a survival skill. And when teens feel excluded or ostracized, their brains literally perceive that as a life or death situation. That’s why your teen absolutely freaks out if you take their phone away – you’re igniting their survival system. I’m not saying phone use should not be regulated – addiction to phones and social media is a very real thing, and we know that the more time people spend on social media apps, the more likely they are to experience low self-esteem, symptoms of depression, and to feel inferior to their peers. But when we are aware of how significant this disconnection is to the teenage brain, it helps us respond with more empathy, explaining the “why” and giving our kids other opportunities for connection.
Understand too that these risks are a part of why teens engage in risky behaviors. The need for peer approval is a survival need. When we help our teens surround themselves with peers that are good influences, and cultivate good relationships with parents, teachers, coaches, and other trustworthy people, we foster positive connections, fulfill that survival need, and mitigate the necessity to take risks. 
Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels
Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels

We can help teens take healthy risks!

The reward system in teenage brains is also more sensitive – everything literally feels better to them: fries taste better, roller coasters are more thrilling, and winning feels even better. This is because the teenage brain releases more dopamine than the adult brain. Rewards – good things – just feel better! This is another part of why teens are driven to take risks. Surges of adrenaline and dopamine feel so good to the teenage brain. If we can help kids find positive ways to get these hormone surges, we again mitigate risk. Trying new things, developing talents, sports, dancing, performing, amusement parks, hiking, etc. When we find positive ways to trigger the reward center, we limit the need for risk-taking behaviors.
Teens with mental illnesses and traumatic experiences are more likely to take risks. Our awareness of these needs can help them participate in activities that will not only allow them to get these dopamine surges in other ways, but that will also teach them skills, boost their confidence, help them connect with good people, and encourage things like responsibility, work ethic, motivation, self-efficacy, sportsmanship, and emotional regulation. Activities like sports teams, dance, theatre, or a part-time job are just some examples. If you want more information on adolescent risk-taking, read Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe by Jess P. Shatkin.

Our teens need to get enough sleep!

Our teens also need more sleep. Studies show that schools that delay their start time by sixty, or even thirty minutes, have students with lower rates of depression, better grades, and better decision-making. Their students also get in fewer accidents. Teens also often fall asleep to blue light – their phones, TVs, laptops, or tablets. Viewing blue light less than sixty minutes before falling asleep disrupts REM sleep, leaving people feeling less well-rested. 
Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels
Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels

We need to be emotion coaches for our kids.

One of the most important parts of supporting our teens is through being an emotion coach. While most often we think about emotion coaches within the context of effective parenting, teachers, coaches, and other adults who work with youth can also be emotion coaches. Emotion coaching is essentially setting aside our own agendas to help children identify, understand, and process their emotions in a way that will improve their decision-making, relationships, and resilience. Emotion coaching does not mean we remove boundaries or discipline, but it does mean that our priorities shift from behavior correction to helping kids understand how their emotions and behaviors coincide, and how they can use their emotions as tools. Emotion coaching parents empower their kids and help them take ownership over their emotions and experiences, without dismissing or shaming them. Kids who are emotion coached have better social skills, are more resilient, are better at making and keeping friends, participate in less risky behaviors, have better mental and physical health, better immune systems, better relationships with their parents, are better able to resolve conflict, and are more successful academically. You can check out a few of our articles on emotion coaching and emotional intelligence here and here, but I would also recommend Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Don’t delay getting professional help.

At the end of the day, if you think your teen needs clinical/professional intervention, don’t wait. A good therapist or behavior coach can go a long way. Some teens require more intensive treatment programs, even residential treatment. This does not mean that you have failed as a parent – sometimes our kids have clinical mental illnesses or traumatic experiences that are beyond our control. Whatever the issue, if you think your child may need intervention, don’t wait. Teenagers are so close to being adults – and if they don’t resolve some of these issues before reaching adulthood, it can mean lasting problems with their adult relationships, higher education, and/or career pursuits. When we delay in helping our kids manage their mental health, they take scripts into their adulthood of maladaptive ways to manage or not to manage that health. Taking further steps may sound intense, but it gives our teens a better chance as adults. We all know that it can be so much harder to manage our trauma, mental illness, ticks, and struggles as adults, now that the expectations and stakes are so much higher. Normalize conversations about mental health in your home. It matters! Normalizing these kinds of conversations can help our kids feel less shame about their struggles, feel supported, and take more ownership over their own mental health.
1. Have a non-judgmental conversation with your teen about their mental health. Practice listening, and avoid lecturing.
2. Find a way to engage in a positive risk-taking behavior with your teen. (In other words, get their dopamine and adrenaline up!)

References

Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, N.Y: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sellers, C. M., Díaz-Valdés, A., Porter, A. C., Glenn, C. R., Miller, A. B., Battalen, A. W., & O’Brien, K. H. M. (2021). Nonsuicidal self-injury, suicide planning, and suicide attempts among high-risk adolescents prior to psychiatric hospitalization. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 49(11), 1503–1511. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10802-021-00830-z
Shatkin, J. P., (2018). Born to be Wild: Why teens take risks, and how we can help keep them safe. PENGUIN Books.
Stevenson, S. (2016). Sleep smarter: 21 essential strategies to sleep your way to a better body, better health, and bigger success. New York, NY: Rodale Books.

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Guest Writers, Project Parent

3 Tips for Improving Your Child’s Communication

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Cover photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

Written by Kjirsten Keetch of Teeny Talkers
“Communication is your ticket to success, if you pay attention and learn to do it effectively.” – Theo Gold
We all know that communication is vital in relationships.  But have you ever considered how this applies to the parent-child relationship? When children can’t properly communicate and when parents don’t know how to help, that relationship suffers. 
Now, we know that no child (or grown person!) is perfect at communication, but helping our children learn language, including the ability to ask for what they want, say whether or not they like things, and label items, can be vital in reducing frustration in the home.
So what are some of the best ways to help your child learn and use language?

Play with your child

A clinical report from the American Academy of Pediatrics states that play with parents and peers promotes brain development and “the formation of the safe, stable, and nurturing relationships with all caregivers” (Yogman, Garner, Hutchinson, Hirsh-Pasek, & Golinkoff, 2018). So it’s a double whammy! You get brain development in almost all areas and improved relationships. 
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Play is the modality through which our children learn. So if we want our children to learn language, we need to incorporate language into play. Start by sitting on the floor with your child. Then either initiate a fun sequence or watch what your child does and imitate them. Then, find a way to incorporate language. 
For example, say your child is playing with a car. Take another car, and play alongside them. Depending on their age, you could say something like, “Vroom!” or “Go car!”.  Then repeat, repeat, repeat!
If your child is at the imaginative play stage, the possibilities are endless! Just play with them and add language (preferably 1-2 words they haven’t yet mastered) to whatever you’re doing.
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Read with your child

This study found that children who were read to daily (about 5 books) were exposed to over a million more words by kindergarten than children who were not read to.  What does this mean? Well, we can’t expect our children to learn language when they’re not exposed to language.  Books contain words that we don’t usually experience in our daily lives. They also help our children learn sentence structures, rhyming, and the basic structure of stories.
Is it ever too early to read to your children? No. It will never be harmful to include books with play. Just remember to keep reading a positive experience. So don’t push your children past their attention span. If your child is young and you can’t read many books at once, don’t worry! Just try to include stories in a few parts of your day.
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Reading with your child does not always mean just reading the exact written words on each page! You can skip words, stop and talk about a page, or skip whole parts. Just stay at your child’s language and engagement level.  If you have a young child, it can help them stay more engaged if you sit across from them and hold the book in front of you so that they can see both you and the book at the same time.

Sing with your child

Did you know that using melody is part of a therapy technique for helping stroke patients regain language abilities? Pretty cool, huh?  The connection between music and language isn’t fully understood, but music can be a great tool for including language in your daily routine.  Melody, rhyming, intonation, and grammar are all aspects of music that translate to spoken language as well.
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I like to break music up into two categories: fun songs, and soothing songs. Fun songs are songs like “5 Little Monkeys” or “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” that we use when it’s play time. Including actions is a great way to tap into visual learning and highlight certain words.  Soothing music is used at bedtime or other times your child needs calming.  These don’t need lots of facial expressions or actions.
I often come across parents who are hesitant to sing with their child. They think that a YouTube video here and there is sufficient music exposure. But human interaction is key here! I’ve never met a child who was critical of their parent’s voice, and nobody is recording you. So put your pride aside, be a little goofy if you must, and sing!

Be mindful of your own communication

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Remember how much communication impacts relationships? Well, as a parent, you are one half of that vital relationship. As important as it is for your child to learn language, remember that it takes time. While your child is learning to communicate with you, be very mindful of your own communication. Make it as kind and respectful as possible. You are the constant language model for your child, and the learning that your child does while they are just observing (called incidental learning) is so powerful!
Whatever you do, remember that nobody knows your child better than you! Use that knowledge to play to their strengths and help them in the ways you know are best.  If you lead with love, you can’t go wrong.
Write out your child’s daily routine. Find a way to incorporate a few minutes of any of the above activities into your day. Write it down and commit to including it in your day with minimal distractions.

References

Brandt, A., Gebrian, M., & Slevc, L. R. (2012). Music and early language acquisition. Frontiers in psychology, 3, 327. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00327
Hulstijn, J. H. (2001). Intentional and incidental second-language vocabulary learning: A reappraisal of elaboration, rehearsal and automaticity. Dans P. Robinson (Ed.), Cognition and Second Language Instruction (p. 258-286). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. 
Logan, J. A., Justice, L. M., Yumuş, M., & Chaparro-Moreno, L. J. (2019). When Children Are Not Read to at Home. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, Publish Ahead of Print. doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000657
Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics, 142(3). doi:10.1542/peds.2018-2058

 

 

Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
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