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Maintaining Your Identity in Motherhood

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Cover photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?” 
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom. 
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).   
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood. 

1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role

Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”. 
Photo by Austin Wade on Unsplash
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love. 
Try this:
  • Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
  • Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
  • Schedule time for intentional self-care
  • Read my article “Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt” for more information

2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right

One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue. 
Photo by William Fortunato from Pexels
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018). 
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
  • Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
  • Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
  • What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
  • If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
If you want more information on being a working mom specifically, check out my article “To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom”. 

3. Your other relationships still matter

Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
  • Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
  • Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
  • Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
  • Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games

4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions

You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity! 
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same. 
Photo by Michael Burrows from Pexels
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity. 
Try this:
  • Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
  • Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
  • Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming

5. Remember: There is a time and a season

While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said. 
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Photo by Katie E from Pexels
The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most. 
Try this:
  • Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
  • Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
  • Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience

Conclusion

It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!

References

Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Gordon, R. N. (2018, October 13). To work or not to work: What the research says about being a stay-at-home mom. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/to-work-or-not-to-work-what-the-research-says-about-being-a-stay-at-home-mom/ 
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom

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Written by Rian Gordon
“So will you be going back to work after the baby comes?” I can’t tell you how many times I got this question while my husband and I were expecting the birth of our little boy. I had recently graduated with my Bachelor’s degree, and I was working full-time as a data entry specialist – a job that I enjoyed, but certainly not my dream career. We had gone over our budget and figured out that we would be okay to live on my husband’s income alone, but I still wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to work exclusively as a stay-at-home mom (because it’s more than a full-time job, believe me), or if I wanted to try and tackle working outside the home as well.
Before I tell you what my husband and I decided for our family, let’s take a look at what some of the research says about being a stay-at-home mom.

Mommas in the Workforce

According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s most recent Bureau of Labor Statistics News Release, “the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 71.1% in 2017” (that’s up 0.6% from 2016, and compared with 92.8% of all fathers). That’s a lot of moms! However, stay-at-home motherhood is also seemingly on the rise, with 29% of mothers now staying home with children (a sharp increase from 23% in 1999).
woman in black coat standing near brown trees during daytime
Photo by Alex Shaw on Unsplash
Stay-at-home motherhood and working motherhood are often pitted against each other in highly emotionally-charged conversations. Because motherhood is something that is very dear to the hearts of many, and because it is not just a practical issue, but a cultural and gender issue as well, people often feel very strongly about whether moms should be in the home. While approximately 70% of Americans believe that a working mother “can establish just as warm and secure a relationship with her children” as a stay-at-home mom, 60% also think that having a mother (or parent) at home is what is best for children.

For the Kids

The research seems to agree with that 60%, since having at least one parent in the home has shown positive outcomes for both younger and older kids. For young children, developing healthy attachment to a parent or caregiver (most commonly the mother) is particularly essential to a child’s well-being and development. While work doesn’t necessarily interfere with a mother’s capability to develop a healthy attachment with her child, time in the home can certainly give a child more opportunity to have those interactions necessary to develop a healthy attachment. As for older children, having a parent at home has been shown to have an affect on school performance. In this particular study in Norway, kids with a stay-at-home parent had higher GPA’s than those who were placed  in daycare. Though the differences in GPA may seem small, their statistical significance shows that having a parent at home does actually make a difference for kids.
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Photo from pexels.com

The Daycare Dilemma

Like stay-at-home motherhood, there are plenty of strong opinions out there about what role daycare should (or shouldn’t) play in children’s lives. Over the years, research on daycare has shown a variety of results, mostly due to the wide variety of daycare options out there. The most current research, however, has shown that there are two major factors for the effects that daycare can potentially have on a child:
#1 – Quality of Daycare – Whether or not a daycare is considered to be “high quality” (at least as far as research goes) is usually determined by both environmental factors (caregiver-child ratio, group size, noise level, caregiver education, etc.) and child-caregiver relationship factors (caregiver sensitivity, responsiveness, warmth, etc.). The quality of a daycare has consistently shown to be a determining factor in how the child is affected by significant amounts of time away from parents.  
#2 – Home Environment – Most children, whether or not they consistently attend daycare, still spend a significant amount of time at home. What that time at home looks like, regardless of the actual amount, can have a significant effect on a child’s well-being. Research has shown that, “important home environment predictors of development are parents’ education, family income and structure, mothers’ psychological adjustment and sensitivity, and the social and cognitive quality of the home environment.” Furthermore, maternal sensitivity is one of the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment – for both kids who attend daycare, and kids who don’t.

Moms, Jobs, and Mental Health

Because a mother’s mental health is important to the health of her children, understanding the relationship between work and mom’s mental health is to our advantage. However, research has found that the connection between a mom’s choice to work and her mental health is not as straightforward as some might assume. An interesting 2012 study by Holmes, Erickson, and Hill, compared the mental and emotional health of stay-at-home and working mothers, while also taking into account their work preference (whether or not they wanted to be working outside the home). What they found was that poor mental health (specifically depression) was not so much predicted by a mother’s job status — instead, what mattered was whether or not there was a discrepancy between what the mom wanted to be doing, and what she was actually doing. If she wanted to be at home but was forced to work, or on the other hand, if she wanted to work but had to stay home, depression was more likely.
woman n gray suit jacket
Photo by Melissa Alexandria on Unsplash
Taking it one step further, another study that examined similar factors found that employment isn’t always necessarily “good” or “bad” for a women’s mental health. A lot actually depends on the quality of the job, and this can sometimes even overpower a woman’s preference. “Mothers employed in low-quality jobs face a heightened risk of depression even when they do want to work for pay. But interestingly, mothers employed in high-quality jobs face a low risk of depression even if they do NOT want to work for pay.”

“It Takes a Village”

It seems that the optimal option here is to align your work or home life as closely as possible with your personal preferences and desires. While this is what would be ideal for your mental health, it certainly isn’t an option for every mom out there. Finances, health issues, divorce, and myriad other extenuating circumstances prevent many parents from living their idealized balance between home and work. When this is the case, all hope is not lost! This would be an optimal time to remember the old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Whether or not your life as a mom lines up perfectly with your personal ideal, it is to your (and your child’s) advantage to use your own village. Social support is essential in the life of any mom, and research has shown that it even acts as a buffer for parenting stress (Holmes, Erickson, & Hill, 2012). Furthermore, having a strong social support system has actually been shown to improve a parent’s parenting style (increasing both parental warmth, and parental monitoring), and a child’s future social skills. Family, friends, spouses, neighbors, therapists, doctors, and even sometimes complete strangers can all assist you in making your own parenting journey a success. Take advantage of your village!
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Photo from pexels.com

My Choice and Your Choice

After about 3 months of adjusting to motherhood, I decided that I wanted to try applying for a work-from-home job; allowing me to still devote the majority of my time and focus to my son, but at the same time giving me a way to pursue my personal passions and have a mental break from my time as a mom. My husband has been incredibly supportive of my desire to work, which has been extra helpful when it gets particularly difficult to juggle my various roles both in and outside of the home.
Deciding whether or not to stay at home or return to work after you have a baby (or even later on as kids get older) is an incredibly personal decision, and is an important decision that can have an effect both on you and your child’s well-being. I recommend in order to help you make a more informed decision, do some of your own research! Make a pros and cons list of the things that are most important to you and your spouse. Talk about it together. Remember that having a balanced life is the best way to ensure your and your family’s happiness. As you make the choice to create a life for you and your family, find what works for you, and don’t worry about whether that looks the same as it does for everyone else.
Have a conversation with your partner or spouse about about your personal work and family goals. What are your hopes? Your expectations? Be sure to be open and honest with one another.

References

Andrews, E. L. (2014, October 20). Eric Bettinger: Why Stay-at-Home Parents are Good for Older Children. Retrieved from https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/eric-bettinger-why-stay-home-parents-are-good-older-children
Cohn, D., & Caumont, A. (2014, April 08). 7 key findings about stay-at-home moms. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/04/08/7-key-findings-about-stay-at-home-moms/
Cohn, D., Livingston, G., & Wang, W. (2014, April 08). After Decades of Decline, A Rise in Stay-at-Home Mothers. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/04/08/after-decades-of-decline-a-rise-in-stay-at-home-mothers/
Duncan, A. (2018, April 25). What Research Says About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://www.verywellfamily.com/research-stay-at-home-moms-4047911
Gale, R. (2017, October 10). How Millennials Do Stay-At-Home Motherhood. Retrieved from https://www.refinery29.com/2017/10/175528/stay-at-home-moms-modern
Holmes, E. K., Erickson, J. J., & Hill, E. J. (2012). Doing what she thinks is best: Maternal psychological wellbeing and attaining desired work situations. Human Relations, 65(4), 501–522. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0018726711431351
Shpancer, N., Ph.D. (2017, October 5). Nonparental Daycare: What The Research Tells Us. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201710/nonparental-daycare-what-the-research-tells-us
Taylor, Z. E., Conger, R. D., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2015). Parenting practices and perceived social support: Longitudinal relations with the social competence of Mexican-origin children. Journal of Latina/o Psychology, 3(4), 193–208. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/lat0000038
Usdansky, M. L., Gordon, R. A. (2011). Working Mothers, Stay At Home Mothers, And Depression Risk: A Briefing Paper Prepared for the Council on Contemporary Families. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://contemporaryfamilies.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/2011_Briefing_Usdansky_Working-mothers-depression-risk.pdf
Weber, B. A. (2018, March 19). Stay-at-home moms work the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs, survey finds. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://bigthink.com/news/no-surprise-to-moms-everywhere-its-equivalent-to-25-full-time-jobs

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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