I work with teenagers – and I love it. Teenagers are my absolute favorite people. And I work with tough teenagers – the teens with drug problems, crippling depression and anxiety, the teens who are defiant and disrespectful and refuse to go to school. I work with aggressive kids. I have been called every name in the book. And yet, teenagers are my favorite. Seriously – they’re the best.
So how do we help these young people become functional, contributing members of society, capable of maintaining relationships beyond a one night stand or sext? How do we help these young people be employable, gracious, respectful, and driven? It is no easy task, let me tell you. But here’s the reality – we aren’t just raising teens. We are raising men and women – we are teaching people how to become adults. Here are a few things I do to connect with my teens and help them manage their mental health, increase self-efficacy, and develop real-life skills.
1. Get on their level.
Yes, our teens are going to be adults before we know it. But that doesn’t mean they are adults yet. These kids are wedged in a terrible spot – their brains aren’t fully developed, they are growing up in a media-addicted, highly promiscuous world, they are ready to make all of these big decisions, but they’re not, puberty is a bear all its own, and then we adults come in and say “no” at every turn. It really isn’t a great place to be. So work on understanding.
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Make Urban Dictionary your friend. Urban Dictionary is a great tool for looking up all the weird new jargon your kids use. I use it any time I have no idea what one of my boys just said – then I can call them out if they’re being inappropriate, or I can respond appropriately. You don’t have to use the terms – by all means, be an articulate adult – but at least you’ll understand what they’re saying.
Do things that they like. Play video games, shoot the basketball, sit and watch movies, and just hang out with your kid. Sometimes teens are going to push you away, but it goes a long way when you can say, “Hey, you’re really good at this, and it seems really important to you. Tell me more about it/can you teach me how?”
2. Hold boundaries – and explain WHY. But don’t power struggle.
Holding consistent boundaries is essential. But when your angry teenager asks “why” you are enforcing a rule, saying, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the mom” is NOT going to help. At all. Don’t even think about it. Seriously. Stop. “We had a conversation, and I told you that if you couldn’t be home on time, you wouldn’t be able to go out this weekend. You chose to come home late, and so you won’t be able to go out. Let’s try again next week. I need to know that you’re safe, and having you home on time helps you stay safe, and helps you and I build trust.” Your teen might whine and cry and tell you you’re the worst person in the world, and that’s okay. Because it’s not your job to be their friend. It’s your JOB to keep your kids safe and help them become thriving, accountable, trustworthy adults. “Peter, I know you disagree with me. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree. You made a choice, and I need to enforce the consequences. I love you. I’ll give you some time to take some space, and later I’d like to check in with you again.”
Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash
We all want to power struggle sometimes. Power struggling is turning the problem into you vs. me – it is forcing your perspective onto someone else. It’s guaranteed to fail. But don’t feel like a failure – we have all done it. It takes practice to identify when you’re power struggling and when you’re engaging in healthy conflict. But it’s so important. Be willing to put down the rope. Remember that even when your teen is absolutely pissing you off, it has to be you AND your teen vs. the problem. “Katie, I love you, and I have to keep you safe. That’s why you can’t be sending photos like that to boys, and that’s why I’m going to take your phone away for a little while. When you’re ready, I want to talk to you about this, but you seem too mad right now, and that’s okay.” Then you go calm down, scream in your closet, freak out, and self-care. Then go back and talk to your daughter about sexual safety, cyber safety, self-respect, and all the other really important things your kid needs to learn.
3. Require your teens to pull their own weight.
Being a member of a family means that you pull your own weight. As a member of their family, your kids need to contribute. Doing dishes, doing their own laundry, helping prepare meals, sweeping the floor and making their beds are basic life skills. You have no idea how many 16-year-olds I have taught to sweep a floor, dice an onion, fold a pair of socks, and even make their beds. These are all things they will have to do when they live on their own. And it’s work before play. Require these things consistently – and if the jobs aren’t done, they don’t get to play video games, go out with friends, etc. “Andy, I need help with dinner. You can go out with the guys after dinner.” And if they’re friends are already there, put them to work too. “Hey boys, if you’re going to stay and hang out, I need one of you to set the table and one of you to help Andy chop veggies.” Super simple. And if they want to be defiant, kick the friends out. They can try to come back tomorrow. Teaching kids to work is healthy. It also teaches them vital self-efficacy which increases their self-esteem and decreases their depression and anxiety. Because when kids can DO things, they feel like more capable, successful, independent people.
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4. Spend quality 1-1 time with your kid.
Even if they don’t say it, teens still want and need connection with their parents and other authority figures. Life is hard and they need someone to confide in. Make sure you regularly spend time with your kid – give them opportunities to talk about anything, trivial or otherwise, and teach them about who you are – let them get to know you. If you’re really brave, you might even say, “What can I do to support you better? What do you need from me?” Most of the time kids will be pretty honest and have some really good feedback. Play tennis, hike, go to breakfast, etc. If you want your kid to listen to you, you need to listen to them. And if you want your kid to be better about hearing the word “no” they also have to connect with you in positive ways. Teens who spend quality time with their parents are less likely to participate in deviant behaviors, more willing to take accountability, and better able to build and maintain healthy relationships.
5. Expect mistakes.
Your teens are going to mess up. They are adults-in-training, and they haven’t figured it out yet. Instead of freaking out that your kid messed up and worrying so much about the behavior, focus on the recovery plan. “Okay Andrew, you messed up. What are you going to do about it?” Often our kids will have ideas. And if we work with them to solve problems, they will learn crucial skills about problem-solving, integrity, accountability, respect, work, and forgiveness. When we approach this as, “You made a mistake, and there are consequences, but the bigger issue is, what’s your game plan now?” instead of, “I can’t believe you did that. What is wrong with you?!” we invite our kids to be honest and we show them that we are on their side. While we are going to hold them accountable for their poor choices, we are also going to help them through. Prioritize their growth, not their past choices.
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6. Don’t rescue your teen!
This is probably the biggest mistake I see parents make. It is the number one thing I re-teach kids. They are so used to being rescued that when I don’t rescue them they freak out. But don’t worry – with time and consistency it gets better. “No Emily, I can’t bring your homework to you. I’m really sorry you forgot it, but you are responsible for that. You’ll have to turn it in late.” “But Dad, I’m going to get a lower grade!” “I know, and that sucks. This is a great opportunity for you to learn responsibility.” Then you can help Emily with ideas: keep finished homework in your backpack, get up earlier, double-check your things before you leave home in the morning, etc. It is okay for teens to be uncomfortable – to need to sit with their choices, and to have to learn to clean up their own messes and deal with natural consequences. It is important and healthy. Let that be part of the process. It will save them in the long run. Because you aren’t going to be there when their human development professor won’t even accept late work and they are literally sprinting across campus their sophomore year of college to turn in a paper they procrastinated until the last minute. They have to learn BEFORE they get there. Having said this, of course you need to keep your kids safe – but I’m not talking about safety.
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And that’s really the great thing about raising teens – this is the time for them to make mistakes. They are learning how to become adults, and if they’re going to mess up, this is the time to do it. Much better now than when they have actual adult responsibilities. Teenagers are creators – they discover. They want to push the envelope, and they want to try new things. And that is so scary! But it’s also so wonderful. Because seriously, teenagers are the best. And I wish I had a credible citation for that!
Implement at least 2 of the above ideas with your teen this week.
Heritage Community, The. (2019) Employee Handbook. PDF. Provo, UT.
Lamborn, S.D., Mounts, N.S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S.M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development 62, 1049-1065. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01588.x
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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
While dining in a Chicago restaurant, I learned the life story of our waiter.
His father owned a lucrative business for many years but went bankrupt. He was not legally obligated to pay back his debts, but this elderly waiter told us how he witnessed his father sacrifice the rest of his life to pay his creditors and die with a peaceful conscience. He lingered at our table, practically sitting down to eat with us, because his father’s story was so compelling.
How we ‘do-do’ it wrong
The father in this story became a hero to his son, not by being perfect, but by being perfectly flawed. It is hard to admit to our mistakes and make reparation. Most adults in leadership positions, whether in the workplace or as the head of the home, have the responsibility of maintaining control.
The status of being in charge suggests that all those under us should trust our judgment. As a result, we hide our flaws. We pretend to know always what is best. We tend to elevate our status to the “we can do no wrong” level in fear of losing the confidence of others.
Forbes magazine argues this is a dangerous belief because “it backs a leader into defending their poor choices, even when they themselves have come to recognize they were wrong.” The truth is we do do wrong, and that gets us in plenty of do-do when we try to cover it up.
Scientists call this cognitive dissonance: the tension you feel when you are mentally out of balance. Non-scientists, namely children, call this hypocrisy. It’s when our actions are in conflict with what we know to be wrong.
For example, I know eating too much cake is bad for me, but I just can’t resist another piece, and another, until it’s gone. As a result, I’m internally conflicted with a stomachache to boot.
As parents, we make mistakes all the time, but we make it worse when we lie about it: “No, I didn’t eat all your Halloween candy.” We cover it up because we crave cognitive consonance, or balance again in the universe (dad = hero). We don’t want our children to know we have trouble controlling our passions. We want them to still look up to us on the parental pedestal (the one use used to climb on to reach the candy up in the cupboard).
Chances are, however, that our hypocrisy will be discovered sooner or later, and we will fall — and fall hard. It will be difficult to regain our child’s trust.
The 3 benefits of owning up
The healthy way to create consonance again is not to justify or lie, but to admit our mistakes: to come clean. Flawed parents are the best tutors because they can use personal mistakes to teach their children how to tell the truth. When our children hear and see us owning up to our mistakes they learn:
1. No one is perfect, and that’s a good thing.
A comforting thought is “no one is perfect … that’s why pencils have erasers.” Children need to see that we are trying to do our best, but when we slip up, that’s OK. Just apologize (sincerely) and get on with it. Rather than wringing our hands and becoming paralyzed with perfectionism, making a mistake once in a while reminds us we are human and allows others to make mistakes too. What a relief! You mean, you’re not perfect either? Families thrive best when they are filled with humans, not super humans or robots. I can love and be loved best when I am real, flawed, and vulnerable.
2. Mistakes are the tutors for growth.
Authors Tavris and Aronson said, “Learn to see mistakes not as terrible personal failings to be denied or justified, but as inevitable aspects of life that help us grow, and grow up.”
I’m reminded of an elementary school teacher who would do something wrong, and in front of her students she would chirp, “Oops! I made a mistake,” and then fix it in their view. She taught the children that the classroom is a safe place to experiment, take risks, and learn from their mistakes.
Dr. Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, stated, “Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.”
A home can provide the exposure to those realities. Imagine being the mom of Thomas Edison, who replied when asked about the failure of creating the light bulb: “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it won’t work.”
3. To take responsibility for our actions.
We see less and less of taking responsibility from leaders in businesses, politics and in communities. If they do, it’s with a vague “mistakes were made.”
We need more role models who state, “I did that and I take full responsibility. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.” Honesty. How refreshing. What better lesson can we teach our children than shouldering up to the consequences of our actions?
The best part of a parent taking responsibility is when a child has the opportunity to watch how the parent goes about making it right. That’s where the real work is done. “Oh, boy. I just ran over a sprinkler head with the car. I’m going to need to get a new part and install it tomorrow.” Then enjoy taking the time to teach your child how to install a new sprinkler head.
Honest effort after an honest mistake engenders trust and esteem from our children. Flawed parents need not fear mistakes, but draw out the human lessons we can learn from them. Mistakes authenticate us as tutors.
The waiter in the Chicago restaurant? I’ve never been so touched at the apparent admiration a son had for his father. Even in his advanced years, he was proud to wait tables for a living, feeling his father’s approval at every table.
Homework:
Option 1: Think about a time when you have made a mistake – preferably something that wasn’t too life-altering or upsetting to you. Think about what you learned from that mistake, and share about the experience with your child.
Option 2: Have a discussion with someone you love about the pitfalls of perfectionism, and how allowing ourselves to make mistakes can be a good thing. For help, take a look at this article by Aubrey Hartshorn.
Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. Orlando: Harcourt.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website www.aspoonfulofparenting.com, where she writes articles on the joys, challenges and power of parenting.
Implement at least 2 of the above ideas with your teen this week.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website