commUNITY, Love, Me

Being Grateful – Our Recovery from Selfishness & Suffering

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Cover photo by Ave Calvar on Unsplash 

Written by Dray Salcido
“Our selfishness will condemn us to the worst suffering that we ourselves have invented – loneliness.” – Paulo Coelho
This time of year evokes a more selfless spirit for many of us. Something about the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons make us feel appreciative, or make us think that’s what we should be feeling. This got me curious to compare and understand trends in selfishness over time. There are studies suggesting baby boomers are the most selfish, and others blaming the millennials for our entitled world (Martin & Roberts, 2021). Social theorists may argue selfish behavior is entirely dependent on human rights availability (Nye, 2013). There are myriad explanations.
Regardless, the literature is discrepant. You could argue and find evidence that each decade contains the most heartless people. The truth is selfishness is a human experience irrelevant of time or circumstance. It’s always existed and likely always will. Rather than focus on who or what’s to blame, why not increase our efforts toward altruistic solutions? Perhaps a practice of gratitude? Gratitude is one of our most effective tools to mitigate suffering (Brown, 2011). How is this achieved? The following describes three methods that will increase our gratitude. I suggest we remember them not only the last two months of the year but every day. 
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Be Aware

According to Buddhist philosophy, suffering is the result of selfishness (Salcido, 2020). Christianity would say to seek not our own, but the welfare of others (King James Bible). And even those without a religious or spiritual lens feel frustrated from the selfish behaviors of others. Not only that, but we make ourselves lonely when we focus only on ourselves. Think about it, if you’re the only one on your mind, do you have room to consider others? If you only live for yourself, how can you cultivate relationships?
The fact is, the self is illusive. Why obsess over something as complex and ever changing as our ideas of who we are? I’m not suggesting that we think less of ourselves, but that we think about ourselves less. How can we do this? Be aware. I don’t mean increasing our awareness of who we think we are. Often this just feeds the ego. I mean increasing awareness of our experience. This requires noticing and being curious of the present, without judging it. Let me illustrate the difference. 
Photo by Gary Barnes from Pexels

Be Accepting

Imagine someone stole from you. Your thoughts could be, “I would never do something like that” or “Of course this happened to me, I must have a target on my back.” Whether self deprecating or self inflating, thoughts like these exacerbate our predetermined ideas of the self and bring with them feelings of anger and shame. We are essentially asking ourselves, “What does this experience mean about me?” This questioning comes from a mind that still believes we matter most, we should be invincible, and we should not have to suffer but only feel good. Because this way of thinking is not realistic, another option is to think differently. You may say to yourself, “This is disappointing” or “I wonder if those that stole were desperate?” You’re likely to feel sadness but emotionally recover quicker. Consequently, you may feel peace for letting go. This focus is more in the here and now. It accepts reality and keeps our focus on what is rather than what or who is to blame. To practice acceptance, I suggest learning more about mindfulness (Eberth & Sedlmeier, 2012) and daily meditation. And when we are not cross legged on the floor, how can we take our intentions away from the egoic self and toward compassion for others and our experience? 
Photo by Cathy Mü on Unsplash

Be unAssuming

Much of our selfishness and suffering is not in what we do and say, but in our thinking. The thoughts we choose to focus on have a great impact on our reality. Are many of your thoughts filled with criticism and comparison? These are often created when we attempt to control others or our experience. Managing our minds requires intentional work against cognitive distortions like mind reading. Mind reading is jumping to conclusions. It occurs when you believe you know what another person is thinking. You define what other people’s reasons are for doing what they do. This is done purely out of assumptions and generally with no physical evidence. We fail to acknowledge other possibilities because our thoughts make sense to us, therefore they must be “true” or “valid.”
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
We often read minds when we’re afraid and would like to change the outcome (Strohmeier, 2016). Our motive is to change the circumstance merely because we feel uncomfortable. It is selfish to not let others think, do, and be as they’d like. Assuming is self-inflicted anxiety. Now, don’t tell yourself you’re bad for falling into this habit: we all do this! Remember to be aware and accept the moment it for what it is.
Now, how do we repair our distorted thinking? Essentially being unassuming requires humility: a firm acknowledgement that we don’t know everything, nor can we. We burn up a lot of energy believing we need answers in order to feel okay. What if the reverse was true? Perhaps we need to choose to be okay in order to find answers. So, how do we increase our knowing? Try the following:
  • Ask yourself the following questions: “Are there times when this isn’t true?” “What is another way of looking at this?” “Is this thought helpful?” “Would I rather be right, or happy?”
  • Use statements of gratitude as a way to try on new thoughts. For example, I might think, “I’m a bad person” and replace it with, “I’m grateful for when I mess up. It’s great feedback for becoming the person I really want to be!”
Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash
The brain is plastic. And because of this, our behavior is too. We are capable of thinking less about ourselves and more of others when we increase awareness, accept reality, and stop assuming. Let’s practice gratitude for our capacity to think more of others and less about ourselves. 
This Week:
1. Be aware. Ask yourself “What am I telling myself?” “What am I choosing to make that mean about me?” “What emotion has arrived as a result of my thinking?” “Where do I feel that in my body?”
2. Be accepting. Speak compassion to yourself for the awareness you’ve gained. Give that same compassion to those around you, and practice giving others the benefit of the doubt. 
3. Be unassuming. Remind yourself “I don’t know what other people are thinking.” Bring your thoughts to the evidence in front of you rather than what you think might be happening.
4. And most importantly: Be grateful! Be grateful for change. Be grateful for the past, present and future. Be grateful for what pain makes possible! And be grateful for the richness of your life. Intentionally choose to see it. 
References
Brown, B., Hernandez, V. R., & Villarreal, Y. (2011). Connections: A 12-session psychoeducational shame resilience curriculum. 
Eberth, J., & Sedlmeier, P. (2012). The effects of mindfulness meditation: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 3(3), 174-189.
King James Bible. (2008). Oxford University Press. (Original work published 1769)
Martin, G., & Roberts, S. (2021). Exploring legacies of the baby boomers in the twenty-first century. The Sociological Review, 00380261211006326.
Nye, A. (2013). Feminist theory and the philosophies of man. Routledge. 
Salcido, A. (2020). The Paradox of Attachment. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/the-paradox-of-attachment/
Strohmeier, C. W., Rosenfield, B., DiTomasso, R. A., & Ramsay, J. R. (2016). Assessment of the relationship between self-reported cognitive distortions and adult ADHD, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Psychiatry research, 238, 153-158. 

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Distress Management 101

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Cover photo by Finn Hackshaw on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith
Feeling overwhelmed? Exhausted? Irritable? Discouraged? Stressed? 
You are not alone. We are living in unprecedented times, and that tends to stress us out. A lot of the outlets that we may normally use to cope with our stress have been restricted or taken away and that makes it harder to maintain fluctuating levels of stress. 
Let’s talk about some ways you can better manage your stress, because, as a professor of mine would so lovingly remind me, “stress management is life management.” 

Prioritize 

When we’re stressed, it can be really hard to figure out what we need to do and how to accomplish it. What things absolutely have to get done and what things can wait? There is a wide variety of resources out there to help answer this question, such as the Covey Quadrant Method, the prioritized to-do list, Productivity Boot Camp, etc. My personal favorite is the sticky note method, which essentially gives you a visual representation of what you’ve accomplished. 
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Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels
The sticky note method goes like this (Wheeler, 2019):
  1. Get a pad of sticky notes
  2. Write down what you need to get done, one task per sticky note
  3. Make sure that when you write the task you are specific. For example, “spend 30 minutes trimming the bushes” instead of “yard work”
  4. Once you have the tasks you need to get done written out, take the sticky notes and put them somewhere you can see them in order from most important to least important 
  5. When you finish a task, take the sticky note off and throw it away
If you don’t finish all of the tasks by the end of the day, that’s okay! Rarely do we finish everything we intend to accomplish all in one sitting. Leave the sticky notes up and then keep working on them the next day. 
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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Self-Care

We have talked a lot about self-care here at the Healthy Humans Project, and that’s because it is so important! Being stressed out all the time often leaves us feeling like we don’t have the time or energy to take care of ourselves, but it’s absolutely vital that we do. It may seem more important to get those dishes done or disinfect the high-touch services for the third time this week, but this will ultimately leave you feeling tired and even more exhausted than before. Make the time each day to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to take three hours for self-care! Your self-care is going to look different depending on your current level of stress, and on your needs for that day (Gordon, 2019). One day it may be taking 20 minutes to watch an episode of your favorite show, doing a face mask, or even taking a nap. Other days you’ll have more time to take that bubble bath or watch that movie on your watch list. What matters is that you are taking the time to take care of yourself. 

Exercise

Exercise is one of the best forms of stress relief. The type of exercise you choose doesn’t really matter, what matters that you move your body on a daily basis. Find what makes you feel good! Moving your body can mean dancing in the kitchen to blasting music, going for a run, doing a workout video from YouTube, or going to the gym (if, you know, that’s an option). Exercise has many benefits for stress. When you exercise your body naturally releases endorphins (sometimes known as a runner’s high), which makes you feel happier. When you exercise consistently it can boost your mood and help with mild depression and anxiety (Exercise and Stress, 2018). 
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Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash
Additionally, exercise is great for helping ease the body’s response to stress. Our bodies have two major nervous systems that govern a wide variety of physiological responses, known as the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous systems. The parasympathetic system is commonly referred to as the “rest and digest” system, and the sympathetic as the fight, flight or freeze response. When we are stressed, our body triggers the sympathetic nervous system, causing muscle tension, a racing heart, and adrenaline release throughout the body to prepare for fight, flight or freeze. As we exercise, our body is able to use this stress response to actually benefit our body by building muscle and strengthening our cardiovascular system. It also helps to regulate our body’s stress response. Check out this video here, and this one here if you would like to learn more.

Sleep

Stress can impact our ability to sleep, which is problematic because we also need sleep to help combat stress! While we sleep, our bodies do maintenance to repair and heal our bodies, as well as helping with memory consolidation (Stress and Sleep, 2013). When we are stressed, we often don’t get enough sleep, leaving us tired or even more stressed (anyone else stress how much sleep they aren’t getting??). Most often, stress leaves us unable to get high-quality sleep, which then affects our mood and our ability to cope with life. 
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We need to make sure that we are getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night regardless of age (kids, babies and teens are in the group that needs more than that). Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help us sleep better. First, establish a routine around bedtime. For example, take a shower, brush your teeth, read for 30 minutes, and then go to sleep. Sticking to a routine signals to the body that it is time to go to sleep. Second, turn off electronics two hours before bedtime. Blue light is notoriously known for interfering with the ability to sleep. Or, if you have to use a device, switch it to night mode where it turns down how much blue light your screen emits. Third, save the bed for sleeping and sex with your partner. The less we do in bed, the more the brain will associate it with sleeping, making it easier to actually get sleep. (How to Sleep Better, 2020)

Mindfulness—Breathing 

Mindfulness and its various practices have endless benefits. But I want to talk specifically about breathing because it’s one of the most underrated stress management techniques. As we all know, we have to breathe in order to survive. But our breathing has a greater effect on our bodies than we sometimes realize. Our breathing has the ability to help calm the sympathetic nervous system (remember that fight, flight, freeze response?) by lowering our heart rate, relaxing our muscles, and helping us get back to our thinking brain. 
Here is an easy breathing technique you can try, taught by LMFT Tammy Hill: 
  1. Close your eyes and sit comfortably 
  2. Inhale for three counts 
  3. Hold at the top for three counts
  4. Exhale for three counts
  5. Repeat as needed

Connect

“We are neurobiologically hardwired for connection with other people. In the absence of connection, love, and belonging, there is always suffering.”– Brené Brown, Netflix Special The Call to Courage
We are hardwired for connection, and that connection helps us to deal with our stress. We need other people to talk to, to vent to, to support, and to support us. Being around others and interacting with others helps to ease the stress of everyday life. When we feel we have people we can turn to, or know that we have people supporting us, we can get through difficult times because we know we are loved regardless of our personal successes or failures. While it may not be possible to connect with people in person right now, we can video chat, text, call, write letters, etc. to keep connected with others.
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Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
For me personally, it has been so hard to not have in-person interaction with people outside of my spouse. Yes, I have been able to video chat and text, but it’s not the same as sitting down with friends at a restaurant or participating in in-person church services. It feels isolating to sit behind a screen and not be able to give someone a hug or be there for them when it feels like everything is falling apart for them or to be able to celebrate a graduation or marriage. Just know that if you are struggling too, you are not alone.

Gratitude

Sometimes in the mounds of stress, it’s easy to forget that there is more to life than just getting our to-do list done. Being grateful doesn’t take a lot of time,. It can simply be saying, “Today I am grateful to be alive,” or “I’m grateful that I got out of bed today.” It can be sitting down at the end of the day and writing down three things you’re grateful for in a journal. These few moments may seem insignificant, but they can literally re-wire our brains. Research has found that people who keep a gratitude journal see a decline in perceived stress in as little as two weeks, meaning that when we are grateful we see things more as they truly are rather than just what we are stressed about (UC Davis Health, 2015). As we look for things to be grateful for, our perspective shifts and it makes it easier to cope with our day-to-day lives. So, right now, pause to write down three things you’re grateful for, send a text saying thank you to someone, and remember that life won’t always be like this!
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Photo by Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash

Self-Compassion

Finally, when we are stressed, one of the most important things we can do is to remember to have compassion for ourselves. Often, we won’t get everything done that we would like to, and that’s okay! Some days we won’t get anything done because stress, mental health etc. require us to step back and take a do-nothing day to take care of ourselves. When those days and moments come, it’s imperative that we have compassion for ourselves. It’s okay to step back and say, “I’m struggling right now and so are others. I can be mindful of my emotions and acknowledge them without being consumed by them. I can be kind and understanding to myself regardless of whether I got everything done that I would have liked.” Self-compassion is a powerful principle! If you’d like to learn more about it, I would recommend checking this Ted Talk by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff.
Don’t let your stress get the best of you. Take things a day at a time, don’t give up, and be kind to yourself. We’re all figuring this out, and we’ll make it through together!
For more ways to cope with distress, check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook from the New Harbinger Institute. 
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the strategies listed in this article to implement into your life this week to help you better manage your distress. 

References

Brown, B. (2019). The Call to Courage [Video file]. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166
Exercise and stress: Get moving to manage stress. (2020, August 18). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
Gordon, R. (2019, August 29). Self-Care for Busy Humans. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/self-care-for-busy-humans/
How to Sleep Better. (2020, August 13). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/healthy-sleep-tips
Stress and Sleep. (2013). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/sleep
UC Davis Health, P. (2015, November 25). Gratitude is good medicine. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://health.ucdavis.edu/medicalcenter/features/2015-2016/11/20151125_gratitude.html
Wheeler, C. (2019, May 20). How to Get Way More Done Using the Sticky Note Technique. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://academysuccess.com/sticky-note-technique/ 

 

 

IMG_2524
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

The Essence of Being: Using Mindfulness to Enhance Romantic Relationships

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*Cover photo by Derick Santos from Pexels

Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant. 
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being. 
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).  It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013). As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful. 
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Image from https://srwc-mb.ca/mindful/
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?

How Do I Slow Down?

Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchor in the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). 
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is a practice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart? 
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Photo by fauxels from Pexels
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . .  calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated. 
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).

What Benefits Can Result?

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Photo by GUIVERG from Pexels
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact: Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). 
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts. 
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).  Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
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Photo by Andi Risam Triangga from Pexels
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship. 
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship. 
Personal Practice 1This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.

References

Greater Good Science Center. (2020, March 28). What is mindfulness? Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Milliken, C. (2015, June 13). The healing power of anchors. Retrieved from https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-healing-power-of-anchors/
Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
Richardson, D. (2011). Slow sex: The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality. Merrimac, MA: Destiny Books.
Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
Sommers, F. G. (2013). Mindfulness in love and love making: A way of life. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28, 84–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.756976
Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., … Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. US National Library of Medicine, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
Wygant, D. (2013). Social media is a romance contraceptive. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/12/30/has-facebook-ruined-love/social-media-is-a-romance-contraceptive

 

 

Chelom-600x401Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.

 

IMG_2700_Original[1]Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care!

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Written by Rachael Porter
Tension and faint smoke filled the air as my roommates and I hunched over our kitchen table, overwhelmed with homework. Midterms were coming up, and we had been too preoccupied with studying to hear the oven buzz on our chicken nuggets. Abruptly, my roommate slammed her pen onto the table.
“I am too stressed,” she huffed. “I am going outside to cry. I’m setting my alarm, and I’ll be back in three minutes because SELF-CARE.” As I watched her leave and took the burning nuggets from the oven, a thought crossed my mind: “Why would she practice self-care by crying? Isn’t self-care supposed to make people happy?”
Your version of self-care might look similar to mine: a giant bowl of rich chocolate ice cream and a Disney movie night. I have heard my friends use massages, pedicures, and shopping sprees as other examples of self-care. I have also seen my friends shrug and say, “You know, self-care” as they dive into a massive plate of nachos or level up in the latest smartphone video game. 
I have found myself wondering: Is this truly self-care? When did self-care become synonymous with self-indulgence? If self-care is defined as “taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health” (as the Oxford dictionary states) we might re-examine whether our “self-care” choices are leading to better health or whether they might just be an attempt to make ourselves happy right now.
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Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash
While the occasional bowl of ice cream and movie night can be part of a long-term strategy, it’s probably not our best “go-to” if used too often. Rather, self-care should stem from making choices relevant to long-term health and happiness, not simply short-term gratification. 
Especially when stressed, we need to feed our body with sleep, fuel, and fulfillment, even if our immediate emotional response to a rough day is to forget all healthy practices in exchange for yummy treats and lazy pastimes. Chances are that mindless screen-scrolling, spending money, or indulging on junk food won’t quite do the trick in terms of replenishing our bodies or building our health. In fact, a Harvard study shows that regular physical activity and a healthy diet are factors that help add more than 10 years to your life (Li et al., 2018)! 
Here are some simple ideas to cope with stressful situations that are healthier for the body and mind.
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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Care for Your Body

The way you care for your body will have direct effects on your health and happiness. Here are a few ideas of practices you might try to better care for yourself physically. 
Watch what you eat. Although there is no single dietary pattern that will benefit everyone, our bodies do react to what we put inside them. Sugar can increase our energy levels but it burns out fast, which won’t be helpful if you’re looking ahead at a long day. Feeling stress during the day can drain your energy levels. 
If you feel low on energy, you might want to add more nutritious fruits and veggies to your diet to stay full and fueled. Try buying a few fruits vegetables at the store, cut or divide them up, and distribute them into bags or containers that are perfect for grabbing at a moment’s notice. Experiment with healthy food options and recipes. Prepare a few healthy snack options. Listen to your body react to the food you put inside it and adjust accordingly. 
Engage in exercise. You’ve blocked out time in your schedule for physical activity but find yourself dreading it and make excuses to skip it. We know that exercise can improve strength, sleep, and mood. It decreases weight and lowers the risk of various diseases. However, exercise can be a mentally challenging task, especially on the days when we are stressed out. So, find ways to make exercise a natural part of your routine can actually relieve that stress as you accomplish a healthy goal. 
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Photo by Kike Vega on Unsplash
For example, try doing your favorite exercise first. Research shows that if you begin workouts with your favorite exercises, you will look forward to working out and have a better overall experience (Ruby, Dunn, Perrino, Gillis, & Viel, 2011). Experiment with different exercises. Listen to your body and figure out which exercises you love. Then, plan out a routine that allows for low-energy routines for when you are stressed–plan on a good workout for when you have a little more mental and physical energy. 
Stress Relief. You’ve had a hard day, come home from work with some frustrations that really can’t be resolved until tomorrow, but you know you need a little self-care and you do have an hour. Maybe begin by checking in with your body—what hurts? Tense shoulder muscles? Tired feet? Give them a little love. You might try a 10-minute yoga routine when you feel stiff, a stroll around the block to stretch your legs, or engage in a few prolonged toe touches when your backaches. Try soaking your feet in alternating hot and cold water or getting a foot massage to increase blood flow and reduce tension. 

Care for Your Mind

Your brain is the powerhouse of the body and can greatly affect your health and happiness. Here are a few tips to care for your mind and add a little calm to your day.
Nap time! Did you know that napping is good for your brain? An Oxford study tested students’ memory after napping, cramming, or taking a mental break (Cousins, Wong, Raghunath, Look, & Chee, 2018). Students who took a complete mental break did not improve their memory for test materials at all. Students who took a nap or crammed for the test remembered a lot more, but a week later, only those who napped still remembered any of the material! Try setting aside some time to wind down and take a few 10-minute naps this week to assess how it affects your body. 
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Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
Inhale, exhale. If you don’t have time for a nap, at least try some deep breathing. Using deep breathing techniques improves the ability to manage stress in daily life (Perciavalle et al., 2016). Maybe try practicing mindfulness (Teper, Segal, & Inzlicht, 2013). Turn your attention inward until you become aware of your feelings, including negative ones. Next, accept those feelings as they are, even if they hurt. People who practice mindfulness feel more in control because they are aware of what is going on internally and they decide to be okay with that. Try practicing mindfulness and note how it affects your feelings of calm and control.
Cry me a river. Although I originally assumed that my roommate’s bout of tears was crazy, I learned later that she might actually be onto something. According to one investigation, both males and females generally experience a better mood after crying, especially if that crying is done in private (Becht, & Vingerhoets, 2002). Crying in private helps criers avoid self-consciousness or judgment from others and allows them to be authentic and let it out! Next time you feel your eyeballs welling up, try telling yourself that it is okay to cry once in a while. Find a space to be alone, let it leak, and see how the crying makes you feel. 
Your body and your mind are incredible tools that serve your needs every day. Do yourself a favor and take care of them! Avoid ‘self-care’ practices that are empty of benefits. Instead, find the practices that will replenish your body and mind. Today, pick out a few habits that you can begin so that tomorrow (and every day after) your body and mind will thank you.
Personal Practice 1Identify a form of self-care that nourishes, restores, and connects you, and implement that practice into your week.

References

Becht, M. C., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2002). Crying and Mood Change: a Cross-Cultural Study. Cognition and
Emotion, 16(1), 87-101.
Cousins, J. N., Wong, K. F., Raghunath, B. L., Look, C., & Chee, M. W. L. (2018, October 29). The long-term memory benefits of a daytime nap compared with cramming. Sleep, 42(1), https://doi.org/10.1093/sleep/zsy207
Li, Y., Pan, A., Wang, D. D., Liu, X., Dhana, K., Franco, O. H., Kaptoge, S., Angelantonio, E. D., Stampfer, M., Willett, W. C., Hu, F. B. (2018, April 30). Impact of healthy lifestyle factors on life expectancies in the US population. Circulation, 138(4).
Perciavalle, V., Blandini, M., Fecarotta, P., Buscemi, A., Corrado, D. D., Bertolo, L., Fichera, F., & Coco, M. (2016, Dec 19). The role of deep breathing on stress. Neurological Science, 38(3), 451-458. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10072-016-2790-8
Ruby, M. B., Dunn, E. W., Perrino, A., Gillis, R., & Viel, S. (2011). The invisible benefits of exercise. Health Psychology, 30(1), 67-74. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021859.
Teper, R., Segal, Z. V., & Inzlicht, M. (2013). How mindfulness enhances emotion regulation through improvements in executive control. Current Directions in Psychological Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413495869

 

IMG_20200315_142213 (1)Rachael Porter is from Saratoga Springs, Utah. Rachael is currently a Family Life major with a minor in gerontology at BYU. She is the oldest of four kids and is married to her best friend Matt. She works as a TA for online family life classes at BYU. Rachael looks forward to graduating in December 2020 and having children afterward. She enjoys ice cream, traveling, friends, hiking, camping, plants, and movie nights.

 

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Power Couples

Being a Present Partner: Mindfulness in Marriage

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Cover photo by Gabriel Bastelli from Pexels

Written by Aubrey Hartshorn
Mindfulness is a pretty trendy word these days, but what exactly is mindfulness? And how can it help us in our marriages?

What is Mindfulness?

Dr. John Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). To be mindful is to be conscious and deliberate about your life. It is about choosing to be where you are, to really be present in the moment. It is natural for our minds to get caught up in a cycle of living in the past or the future, with little attention to the present. Being mindful is a reminder to slow down and appreciate the beauty of where you are right now.
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Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash
A wide spectrum of research has highlighted benefits of living mindfully. Some of the benefits include decreased stress, improved focus, greater immune functioning, lower anxiety, and improved overall well-being (Davis & Hayes, 2012). In relationships, practicing mindfulness has been shown to improve communication, decrease emotional reactivity, increase empathy, and heighten relationship satisfaction (Gambrel & Keeling, 2010). These benefits come by consciously being present; choosing to be awake and aware of what is now.

Turning Off Autopilot

We have all had the experience of arriving at our destination without having been fully conscious of the roads we were taking. Perhaps your mind was scanning over your mental to-do list, ruminating on a recent conflict with a partner or co-worker, or making plans for tomorrow. Suddenly you arrive at home or your office without having been fully aware of the route you took, lights you stopped at, or other drivers who passed by. This is called autopilot.
person sitting on black wooden bench in front of body of water during daytime
Photo by Daniel Salcius on Unsplash
This phenomenon of living on autopilot not only happens when driving, but can also be present in our relationships. When life gets busy, sometimes our marriages can get pushed to the back-burner. Date nights become few and far between, late night heart-to-heart talks turn into a quick “goodnight,” before hitting the pillow, and greetings turn into a halfhearted peck before quickly moving on to complete some other task. These small actions of not “being present” can lead our relationship to grow stagnant over time. Mindfulness is an invitation to combat autopilot, to see your partner and your relationship with fresh eyes, and to sincerely give them your time and attention. As Dr. Mark Williams explained, “[mindfulness] allows you to look at the world once again with open eyes. And when you do so, a sense of wonder and quiet contentment begins to reappear in your life” (Williams & Penman, 2011).

Presence in Practice

You do not need to go meditate on a mountaintop, perfect your handstand in yoga, or light candles and chant “ommm” in order to be more mindful. Simply bring your attention to what you are doing now. When your partner is talking to you, really listen. When you are hugging your spouse, really hug them. Along with your physical presence, give your partner the gift of your mental and emotional presence. When you find yourself on autopilot or your attention is drifting from the present moment, simply focus on your breathing as a gentle reminder to bring your awareness back.
Here are a few simple ways to actively incorporate more mindfulness into your marriage:

1. Mindful Embrace

Hugging has been shown to have many health benefits including greater immunity against illness, decreased stress, reduced anxiety, and increased optimism (Miller, 2017). Taking your partner in your arms in a mindful embrace is a wonderful way to reconnect with him or her at the end of the day. In order to practice a mindful embrace, stand facing your partner. Gently supporting your own weight, take each other in a loose embrace. There is no need to talk during this embrace, rather focus on simply being present with your partner. Synchronizing your breathing with that of your partner, deeply inhale and slowly exhale. Repeat at least three times, longer if desired. Notice how you feel in your partner’s arms. Pay attention to any bodily sensations you may be experiencing. Gently, and without judgment, recognize any thoughts going through your mind and allow them to calmly pass. Softly coming out of the hug, face each other and take a moment to share any impressions or feelings you had during the embrace.

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Photo by sarahmeyerphoto.com

2. Mindful Walking

Sometimes communicating with your partner in a positive way is easier when you are doing an activity together. Before taking your walk, decide on a topic that you want to sort out. Perhaps it is a financial concern, topic of conflict in your relationship, or opportunity to ask one another what you can improve on. As you begin your walk, find a comfortable pace and walk side by side with your partner. Try to soften any tight muscles and relax into the rhythm of your breath. After about ten minutes of silently walking side by side, open a gentle dialogue of the topic you established beforehand.  Strive to continue breathing slowly and deeply. As you walk, do your best to listen with an open heart to what your partner shares. Give each other the gift of acceptance and non-judgement. After the walk, take a moment for a mindful embrace.

3. Mindful Listening

Mindfulness has been shown to decrease relational conflict and improve positive communication (Barnes et al., 2007). These benefits happen in part because mindfulness helps us to be more present in the moment of the conversation, to react with less emotionality, and to truly hear what our partner is sharing. To practice mindful listening, give your partner your full attention next time they start a conversation with you. Begin by clearing away any distractions, perhaps turning off your cell phone. Take a few deep breaths to clear your mind, allowing for greater mental space to hear what your partner would like to share. As your partner speaks, listen carefully. Rather than focusing on your response, strive to allow what he or she is saying to really enter into your heart. Do your best to see the situation from their perspective, without judgment. Be aware of your non-verbal communication as well, communicating to them with your eye contact and an open posture that they have your full attention. Appreciate the clarity and calm this type of communication can bring to your relationship. (Read more from us on listening here)
silhouette of man and woman sitting on ottoman
Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash

In Conclusion

Mindfulness is an innate ability deep within each of us. Unfortunately, it sometimes gets pushed away in this fast-paced world. By putting in the practice and effort to truly be present, the ability to be mindful will become more natural. As we become more mindful, our relationships with ourselves and our partners will flourish. In the words of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, “the most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”

References

Barnes, S., Brown, K.W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 33(4), 482-500.  
Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012) What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48(2), 198-208.
Gambrel, L. E., & Keeling, M. L. (2010). Relational aspects of mindfulness: Implications for the practice of marriage and family therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32(4), 412-426.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go There You Are. New York, NY: Hachette Books.
Miller, J. (2017). 20 Amazing Benefits of Hugging According to Science. Retrieved from https://www.jenreviews.com/hugging/
Williams, M., & Penman, D. (2011). Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. New York, NY: Rodale Books.

 

Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
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