Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Supporting a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

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Cover photo by Liza Summer from Pexels

Written by Rebecca Zundel, Brigham Young University
I’ll never forget the moment when Brooklyn turned to me and said, “Becca, I have something I’ve been needing to tell you.” 
First, I felt relief. Brooklyn was finally opening up to me about her nearly year-long challenge with an eating disorder. Then came hope—maybe this was the beginning of recovery. Next, love and a desire to protect my friend flowed out in the form of tears and hugs; I would do anything for Brooklyn. But finally, fear presented itself. Eating disorders were new territory for me. 
Although they were new to me, eating disorders are not uncommon. For every eleven Americans, one will face an eating disorder at some point in their life (Arcelus et al., 2011). That one in eleven may be a friend or family member, and watching them suffer with an eating disorder can be discouraging and frightening. However, you can support your loved one by learning how to approach them, seeking to understand eating disorders, and finding ways to assist in their recovery. 
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Approaching Your Loved One

I’ve often wondered what would have happened if Brooklyn had not told me that she was struggling with an eating disorder. I now understand that speaking up may, in a very literal sense, save a life. Brooklyn came to me before I ever built up the courage to talk to her about the changes I had noticed, but your case may differ. The following points may help if you find yourself needing to approach your friend or family member about an eating disorder (National Eating Disorders Association, 2013):
  • Be prepared. Realize your purpose in approaching your loved one, then set up a private time to speak with them. You may even consider rehearsing what you want to say. 
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  • Honestly express your concerns. Explain your concerns in an open and caring way without condemning or judging your loved one. One way to do this is to avoid “you” statements like “You’re not eating enough!” Instead, use “I” phrases like “I’ve noticed you are eating less.” 
  • Refrain from “simple” solutions. Avoid suggesting “simple” solutions to their trial. Telling someone struggling with an eating disorder to “just eat” is rarely, if ever, helpful.
  • Avoid stigmas and encourage professional help. Help your loved one understand that having an eating disorder and getting necessary help is not shameful. Assist them in getting professional help.
These suggestions can help you lovingly approach your friend or family member. However, they may react negatively at first because mental disorders affect your thinking (Zaitsoff et al., 2020). Brooklyn explained it this way: “While I was in the depths of an eating disorder, I didn’t want help because I knew that ‘help’ would mean potentially giving up everything that my disordered mind considered important in life.” Fear of receiving a negative reaction is understandable. I was afraid. But I now understand that I would rather face my fear than lose my best friend. 
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Understanding Eating Disorders

After our first conversation, I realized that I had much to learn about eating disorders. While Brooklyn’s health was suffering, she didn’t have what I originally thought of as an eating disorder. Her eating and exercise habits were definitely disordered, but Brooklyn ate. Understanding Brooklyn’s experience with an eating disorder was my first step in supporting her, and the following steps can help you on your path to understanding: 
  • Do your research. Accept that multiple variations of eating disorders exist, and eating disorders are more complex than simply not eating. Eating disorders include any condition involving eating and other behaviors that negatively affect physical, emotional, and functional health (“Eating Disorders,” 2018). While Brooklyn ate, her obsession with healthy eating and exercise was still an eating disorder.
  • Listen to your loved one. One of your best resources for understanding eating disorders may be the person you know who is actually suffering with an eating disorder. Sometimes, their current mindset may not elicit helpful comments, but when they do open up to you, be ready to listen and learn. 
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  • Seek the help of medical professionals. If a medical professional is assisting in your friend’s recovery, then seek the professional’s advice. They likely have insights on how you can personally help your friend. 
  • Apply what you are learning. As you better come to understand your loved one’s trial, be willing to adjust and apply the strategies provided by the medical professionals.
With the help of these steps, I learned that multiple factors affect the formation of eating disorders. Brooklyn’s eating disorder actually stemmed from struggles with perfectionism and anxiety. When I finally understood this, I was better able to support my friend in the ways that she personally needed. 

Assisting in Recovery

Later in the recovery process, Brooklyn helped me understand that having support in recovery is extremely beneficial, even for someone as strong and determined as she is. The following are a few of the best ways to support loved ones through recovery (Fleming et al., 2020):
  • Listen. Whenever your loved one talks of their experiences with an eating disorder, listen intently. This is not the time to discuss your own difficulties with body image or dieting. Doing so may actually discount your loved one’s struggles or trigger a relapse (Saxey, 2020). Instead, when they talk, simply listen and love.
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  • Show loving determination for accountability. Some days, the love you show will simply include providing company or understanding. Other days, however, your love may need to consist of firm accountability. Help your friend or family member keep their commitments to steps of recovery, and do not enable self-destructive behaviors.
  • Remind your loved one of the joys of life. Brooklyn explained that an eating disorder is “completely mind-numbing. Life became bland and full of numbers and checklists, rather than the spontaneity and excitement that should encompass it.” Help your friend or family member enjoy different activities so that they can remember the joy of life.
  • Remain hopeful. Most individuals recovering from an eating disorder will relapse, face emotional days, and experience other challenges along their road to recovery (“Relapse and Reoccurrence”). This does not mean that hope is lost. Remain hopeful and encourage them to do the same.  
Recovery is different for each individual, but having support is actually one of the most consistent helpers (Linville et al., 2012). To support Brooklyn, I became more educated about nutrition and intuitive eating. I accompanied her to joyous activities and helped her navigate her eating disorder triggers. As determined as Brooklyn is, she needed support and so does your loved one. 
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Overcoming Their Challenge

The day Brooklyn told me about her struggle with an eating disorder was years ago. The Brooklyn I knew then was not the bubbly, care-free, and healthy Brooklyn that I know now. She still has her difficult days, but with the support of friends and family, Brooklyn recovered. Approaching your friend, understanding their experience, and assisting in their recovery can help your loved one as they face their own challenge with an eating disorder. 
One of the best ways you can help a loved one with an eating disorder is by getting informed about them. Check out the link from the National Institute of Mental Health to read about different kinds of eating disorders, the signs and symptoms associated with them, and what treatment options might be available for your loved one.

References

Arcelus, J., Mitchell, A. J., Wales, J., & Nielsen, S. (2011). Mortality Rates in Patients with Anorexia Nervosa and Other Eating Disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68(7), 724. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.74 
Fleming, C., Le Brocque, R, Healy, K. (2020). How are families included in the treatment of adults affected by eating disorders? A scoping review. International Journal of Eating Disorders. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/eat.23441
Linville, D., Brown, T., Sturm, K., & McDougal, T. (2012). Eating disorders and social support: Perspectives of recovered individuals. Eating Disorders, 20(3), 216–231. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2012.668480
Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2018). Eating disorders. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353609
National Eating Disorders Association. (2018). How to Help a Loved One. NEDA: Feeding Hope. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers
Relapse & Recurrence. National Eating Disorder Collaboration. https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/treatment-and-recovery/relapse-and-recurrence/
Saxey, M. (2020). Empathy v. sympathy: Are my attempts really helping others? Family Perspectives, 2(1).
https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol2/iss1/7
Zaitsoff, S. L., Pullmer, R., & Coelho, J. S. (2020). A longitudinal examination of body‐checking behaviors and eating disorder pathology in a community sample of adolescent males and females. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 53(11), 1836–1843. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.23364

 

Rebecca Zundel was born and raised in a small, Midwestern town with her three older brothers. She now studies human development and editing at Brigham Young University and recently married her best friend. She loves traveling, trying new foods, and is constantly craving a big bowl of ice cream.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Suicide: Changing the Conversation

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Cover photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith and Rian Gordon
Suicide.
Hearing the word may make you uncomfortable but we need to talk about it. 
Scratch that, we HAVE to talk about it. 
Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world for those between ages 15-24 (SAVE, 2020) and the tenth leading cause of death in the United States for all ages. This means that the majority of people will in some way be touched by suicide in their lives. Yet, many are unsure of how to talk about suicide or how to get help if they become suicidal. 
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Myths and Facts

Myth #1: Talking about suicide causes suicide
Fact: Talking about suicide opens the conversation and can be a preventative measure. Having these sometimes difficult conversations allows the person struggling to talk about what they are going through and can help them to see things from an outside perspective. It’s okay to ask questions and to be specific about those questions. It’s okay to share your own experiences with suicide or suicidality because sharing helps us know we’re not alone, and helps to fight shame and stigma. (Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health, 2019)
Myth #2: People who are suicidal want their life to end
Fact: People who are suicidal usually don’t want to end their lives, rather they want to end their suffering. They are often in such a dark, hopeless place that they feel there is no way to end their suffering other than by taking their own life. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #3: Suicide only affects those who have a mental disorder(s)
Fact: While mental disorders can be a risk factor for suicide, that does not mean that everyone that has one has suicidal thoughts, ideation etc. You also do not have to have a mental illness to feel suicidal. Often there are other stressors such as relationship problems, abuse, illness, crisis, etc. that can lead to suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #4: Most suicides happen suddenly
Fact: Rarely does suicide happen suddenly. Usually the person who is suicidal shows warning signs. These signs are often shown to those who are closest to them, and those people may not recognize that these are warning signs. It’s important to know the signs so that we can help those who may be at risk for suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
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What we need to change when we talk about suicide

Using the Word – We need to use the word suicide rather than beating around the bush or using other terms. It’s okay to say the word suicide, and it’s okay to say that you’re suicidal. It’s important that we use the word because the more that we talk about it, the more we can end the stigma around it. (Roe, 2019)
Change the Language – We need to be careful about what words we use when discussing suicide. We partitcularly need to stop using phrases like, “Successfully committed suicide,” or, “Failed suicide attempt”. Words like “successful” and “failed” can carry other meanings, some with positive implications, like “successful”, or negative, like “committed”, which makes it sounds like a crime has taken place. Rather,  we should use phrases like, “Died by suicide,” because it’s more accurate and less emotionally charged. It is important that we talk about suicide respectfully because we are all human and vulnerable. (Roe, 2019)
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

What to do if you’re suicidal

1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – You do not have to face this alone. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or thinking about taking your own life, PLEASE reach out to someone you trust. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or you can chat online at this link here. If you feel more comfortable texting, you can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. If you are part of the LGBTQ Community, you can call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or visit their website for options to chat and text. (LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.) (The Trevor Project, 2017)
2. Make a safety plan – Having a plan in place for when you are in a suicidal mindset can take away some of the pressure of having to think critically when you are in a state of overwhelm.
  • What you might include in your plan: 
    • Warning signs to watch for (thoughts, images, mood, situations, behavior, etc., that indicate a crisis might be happening)
    • Ideas for how to help yourself (self-soothing techniques, positive distractions, etc.)
    • People you can ask for help (include names and contact information)
    • Ideas for how you can make your environment safe for you
    • A list of things that are important to you and/or worth living for
3. Remember, feelings are temporary – No matter how hopeless things may seem, you are wanted and needed on this earth. Do not make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. You can and will get through this. 
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

How to help someone who is suicidal

1. Watch for signs – If your friend is feeling suicidal, it may be difficult for them to reach out and ask for help.  Here are some signs to look for that can help you recognize that they may be struggling:
  • Verbal Signs
    • Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
    • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
    • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
    • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Behavioral Signs
    • Increased drug or alcohol abuse or relapsing after being in recovery
    • Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online, buying a gun, stockpiling pills
    • Unexplained anger, aggression and irritability; behaving recklessly 
    • Sudden interest or disinterest in religion
    • Giving away prized possessions
    • Getting personal affairs in order
    • Sleeping too little or too much
    • Withdrawing or isolating themselves
    • Extreme mood swings
    • Previous suicide attempts
  • Situational Signs
    • Fired of expelled from school
    • Unwanted move
    • Loss of major relationship
    • Death of someone by suicide
    • Diagnosis of serious or terminal illness
    • Other life events or changes
2. Ask, and then listen with empathy – It’s important that you ask the question directly–are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you suicidal? Do you have a suicide plan? It may come as a natural flow of conversation or you may just have to ask out of the blue. When you ask, make sure it is in a private setting, and give them the time that they need to talk. However they respond, listen with empathy and avoid reacting with shame or judgment. Don’t feel like you have to present a solution or fix it for them right then and there. Just let them know that you care about and are there for them. 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
3. Take their thoughts and feelings seriously – Remember, when someone says they are suicidal, it’s important to believe them and not assume they are just being dramatic or seeking attention. Regardless of whether or not you feel your friend’s situation is truly as hopeless as they feel, if someone is thinking or talking about suicide, you should always take them seriously.
4. Get help – Encourage your friend to seek help, and don’t promise to keep their struggles a secret. Neither of you has to bear this burden alone. Help your friend identify others who can also be a part of their support system and help them get through this difficult time. 
5. Know what resources are available – Your friend may be overwhelmed and not know where to go to get help. If you are on a college campus, find their counseling and psychological services as well as their after-hours line. If your friend is an immediate danger to themselves, call 9-1-1. Do a quick Google search or refer to the previous section about help lines you can contact or direct them to. If your friend protests and gets upset that you have contacted someone, don’t worry. It’s  ALWAYS better to have an angry, alive friend. 
Photo by Käännöstoimisto Transly on Unsplash
Suicide is painful and tragic, and also one of the only causes of death that is 100% preventable. We have the power to stop suicide by talking about it, fighting shame and stigma, and by empathizing with and being there for one another. For the sake of ourselves, and our loved ones, we HAVE to change the conversation. 
Share one of the facts about suicide from this article on social media or with a loved one.

References

Fuller, K., M.D. (2018, September 6). 5 Common Myths About Suicide Debunked. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2018/5-Common-Myths-About-Suicide-Debunked
Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health. (2019). The Myths & Facts of Youth Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from http://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/Myths/
Quinnett, P., Ph. D. (2016).  Ask a Question, Save a Life [Pamphlet]. QPR Institute.
Roe, T, (2019, May 24), Suicide. Podcast Therapy Thoughts. Retrieved from https://anchor.fm/therapythoughts/episodes/Episode-27-Suicide-Thoughts-from-a-human-therapist-e44t2t
SAVE. (2020). Suicide Statistics and Facts. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/
The Trevor Project. (2017, September 20). Facts About Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/

 

 

Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

An Open Letter to Souls in the Thick of Mental Illness

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Written by Anasteece Smith
To the soul in the thick of mental illness,
Mental illness is no easy feat. It’s a long battle but it’s so worth it because you and your mental health are worth it.  I write this from a place of someone who has her own struggles with mental illness and who loves many people who are struggling with a wide variety of mental illnesses. When I started my mental health journey, I felt so alone and didn’t know where to start. I had friends and family support but I still felt so alone. So today I’m writing to you to tell you 10 things I wish I would have known when I started my own mental health journey.

1. There is always hope.

It’s so easy to fall into feeling hopeless especially in the thick of depression or in the worst days of anxiety when it never seems to ease. It’s easy to want to run and hide and stay in bed for days on end because facing the world seems like a monstrous task. And some days, moving from the bed to the couch is better than nothing at all. It’s okay to feel lost and unsure. One thing that I did to help me have hope was to follow accounts on social media that were uplifting to me including therapists and organizations that focused on health. Some of my favorites include To Write Love On Her Arms, Brene Brown, therapist Tiffany Roe, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
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Photo by Raphael Renter on Unsplash

2. Get educated.

Educate yourself about mental illness especially the one(s) that you may have or have been diagnosed with (Understanding your Diagnosis, 2020). Education is one of the best things you can do to better understand yourself and what you are experiencing. Research can also help you know what may be the most effective treatment for your specific mental illness. As you research, remember that each of us is unique, and someone else’s mental illness (even someone with the same diagnosis) may look a little different than your own.

3. Seek support.

Seek out support from friends and family (Social Support: Getting and Staying Connected, 2020). One of the things that I quickly learned after receiving a soft diagnosis, was that I needed a social support system. The person that stayed at the forefront for me was my mom. She went with me to countless therapy appointments and would lend a listening ear when I was having a bad day or just needed to talk. I also grew to have many other friends whom I knew that I could count on and whom I could reach out to when I needed someone to listen to. Having social support gives you a safe place that you can turn to when you are struggling.

4. Therapy.

There are so many different kinds of therapy and so many different practitioners that it can be an overwhelming task to find a therapist. There are a couple of places you can start. First, ask around; see if there’s anyone that your friends or family may recommend. Word of mouth can be one of the best ways because many people go to therapy for a wide variety of reasons. Another way to find a therapist is by visiting https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. On this website, you can type in your zip code and specifics including insurance, preferences, etc., to locate therapists in your area. It’s also another great place to start, especially if you live somewhere where you don’t know the area or what’s available. For more help on choosing a therapist, check out this article here. Also, remember that it’s okay to shop around for therapists! I wish I would have known this so I could have explored all my options and found someone who did more of what I needed.
young-woman-talking-with-therapist-3958461
Photo from pexels.com

5. Let’s talk medicine.

Some people will need medication as part of their treatment plan to help them manage their mental illness and that is okay (Mental Health Medications, 2016). There is NO SHAME in using medication to help. Some mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and medications are used to help balance out these chemicals. Throughout the course of treatment, you may have times when you don’t need meds, or you may need them throughout its entirety. Your therapist will often refer you to a psychiatrist who will help you figure out the best options for you, or family practice doctors can help with this as well.

6. Stick to your treatment plan.

It seems weird to say this, but it’s necessary. If that means therapy once a week for you and taking meds daily, stick to it. The more consistent you are, the better off you’ll be. No two people’s treatment plans are the same and so it’s important that you stick with the one that is best for you. Also, don’t be afraid to speak up if it doesn’t seem to be working for you. Part of figuring out a treatment plan is adjusting and trying new things to help you.

7. Get enough sleep.

I can’t say this enough. GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Getting enough sleep is vital to your mental health (Harvard Health Publishing, 2018). Lots of mental illnesses come with a side effect of either having a hard time falling asleep, insomnia, waking disturbances while sleeping,  or just wanting to sleep all day, but getting the right amount is important. I found for myself personally that on the days I didn’t get enough sleep, my anxiety was 10,000 times worse. As you go through your journey you’ll learn how much sleep you need and how much is not enough or too much. Be aware that your needs may fluctuate from time to time.
photo-of-person-holding-alarm-clock-1028741
Photo from pexels.com

8. Take care of your body.

I feel like a total hypocrite even writing about this to y’all because it’s one of the things I struggle with the most. Do the best that you can to take care of your physical body (Tartakovsky, 2018). Get moving whether it is having a living room dance party, going for a walk, or playing an active video game – just do something to move your body. Some days it may not happen and that’s okay. Also, do your best to eat food that fuels your body. I’m a big fan of intuitive eating, and for every person that will look different. Check out this article for more info on that subject.

9. Suicidality.

This is definitely one of the things that I wish I had been told about when I began my mental health journey. While you are learning how to deal with your mental health, you may have times when you experience suicidal thoughts or ideation. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but you may experience it. Please please please reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal. I myself have been in that place – it’s dark, and it’s awful, and reaching out was the best thing I did. Reach out to your support system, call your therapist, do whatever it takes. If you don’t have those things you can call 1-800-273-8255 or you can chat online with someone at suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is also a specific suicide hotline for the LGBTQ+ community through the Trevor Project that you can call at 1-866-488-7386. Please stay with us. You are needed and you are loved.

10. Self-care.

This is something that I didn’t really learn how to do until later on in my mental health journey because at first, I felt like I was in survival mode.  Do something to take care of yourself every day whether it’s taking a bubble bath, reading, meditating, just do something to help you take care of yourself. If you want to learn more about self-care check out these articles here, here, and here.
drop-the-label-movement-NiSB9OuTPfA-unsplash
Photo by drop the label movement on Unsplash
I hope that something in this letter sticks with you as you go through your mental health journey whether you are in the middle or just beginning. There is no shame in struggling and there is no shame in reaching out for help. You are needed. You are loved. You are worth it.
Love,
A girl who’s been there and is still there.
Personal Practice 1#endthestigma by sharing your journey with mental illness or share this letter on your social media. You never know who may need it.

References

Harvard Health Publishing. (2018). Sleep and mental health. Retrieved May 14, 2020, from https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/sleep-and-mental-health
Mental Health Medications. (2016). Retrieved May 14, 2020, from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/mental-health-medications/index.shtml
Social Support: Getting and Staying Connected. (2020). Retrieved May 14, 2020, from https://www.mhanational.org/stay-connected
Tartakovsky, M. (2018, July 8). 9 Ways to Take Care of Yourself When You Have Depression. Retrieved May 14, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-you-have-depression/
Understanding Your Diagnosis. (2020). Retrieved May 14, 2020, from https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Individuals-with-Mental-Illness/Understanding-Your-Diagnosis
White, D. M. (2018, July 8). 5 Tips for Finding the Right Therapist. Retrieved May 14, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips-for-finding-the-right-therapist/

 

 

IMG_2524
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

5 Ways to Support Someone With a Mental Illness

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Written by Rian Gordon
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five U.S. adults will experience the effects of a mental illness in a given year (2020). That means, whether or not you are currently living with a mental illness, you most likely know someone who is! Speaking from experience, mental illness can feel lonely, isolating, and hopeless at times, so the more we can learn and rally together to support those who live with these conditions, the less alone we will all feel (remember, connection goes both ways!). 
Here are five ways that you can support someone you love who is living with a mental illness:

1. Believe/validate them

Unless you have lived through it yourself, it can be difficult to understand what it’s like dealing with a mental illness. However, this does not mean that you cannot 1) believe that what someone is experiencing is very real and difficult for them, 2) have empathy for someone who is struggling. Being told, “it’s all in your head”, “can’t you just get over it?”, or “just try to look on the bright side”, is incredibly frustrating and disheartening, and can discourage someone from getting the help that they need in a very real way. As a skill, empathy requires us to feel with someone and to put ourselves in their shoes, even if we ourselves have not experienced what they have. And even though you may not have a diagnosable mental illness, chances are you have experienced a time when your mental health was not exactly where you would like it to be. When someone you love is struggling with their mental health, seek to have empathy, and let them know that you believe what they are experiencing, even if you don’t understand it perfectly. 

2. Do not define them by their mental illness

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 20. A diagnosis was helpful for me because it gave me a name for what I had been experiencing my whole life. It increased my vocabulary for sharing with others what I was feeling, and helped me to receive the treatment and help that I needed to thrive with my particular illness. Research has shown, however, that diagnoses aren’t always particularly helpful for individuals, or for those who know/ work with/ or are even treating them. One research study found that labels such as “borderline personality disorder” or “schizophrenia” are particularly problematic because they can cause clinicians to develop assumptions about a patient that may or may not actually be true (Lam, Salkovskis, & Hogg, 2015). 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
While it is critical to look at diagnoses as windows into what someone may be experiencing rather than as an instruction manual that works the same for each diagnosed individual, I have found that general labels such as “broken”, or “damaged” are even more harmful than incorrect assumptions based on a diagnosis. Labels such as these can make the person dealing with the mental illness feel less-than, worthless, and beyond hope. As someone who deals with mental illness every day, I have always preferred to tell others that I am living with a mental illness rather than suffering from one. While mental illness can and does have a large impact on many aspects of an individual’s life, having one does not mean that it defines every moment of every day, much less who someone is as a person. Regardless of a diagnosis, you can learn to truly LIVE with a mental illness. Your life can be just as fulfilling, meaningful, and full of joy and connection as those who do not deal with this particular struggle. Unfairly labeling others or yourself in a way that limits your potential is not helpful, and is not something that we should practice in any capacity. 

3. Ask open-ended questions

For centuries, fear and stigma have surrounded the topic of mental illness, and we are still living with the effects of this today. Many people worry that talking about someone’s mental illness is uncomfortable, taboo, shameful, or even that it may aggravate the issue (which research has shown is not actually the case) (Dazzi, Gribble, Wessely, & Fear, 2014). Different individuals will certainly have different preferences about how they like to discuss their own mental illness, but you can usually key in on many of these preferences just by getting to know them and observing how they talk about it in their everyday life. If you are unsure, the BEST way to learn about how you can support your loved one is by asking them how they would like to be supported! 
When I first met my husband, Mark, I had just come home 14 months early from a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints due to severe anxiety and depression. I was on medication, in the middle of therapy, and still working on recovering from the experience. But one of the things that impressed me the most about Mark was that he was not afraid to ask thoughtful and respectful questions in order to better understand what I was going through! He asked things like, “How does that feel?”, “What do you like about therapy?”, and “What helps you feel most safe?” He would then listen carefully and respond in ways that were empathetic, understanding, and encouraging. 
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Photo by Kenan Buhic on Unsplash
Asking respectful, thoughtful, and kind open-ended questions is an excellent way to better understand your loved one dealing with a mental illness, and the more we talk about it, the more permission we give to others to talk about it. 

4. Encourage them to ask for help

Personally, I believe that EVERYONE should seek out professional help for their mental health. Life is hard, and we all have struggles that could benefit from unbiased outside help! Many people do not share in this belief, however, since there is still a lot of societal and cultural stigma surrounding therapy, medication, and other forms of mental health treatment. One way that we can support our loved ones with mental illness is to normalize asking for help, both from professionals and from trustworthy friends and family members. Let your loved one know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not of weakness, and consider spending time researching with them local resources that can help them when they are struggling. If someone is suicidal or going to harm themself, don’t hesitate to call 9-1-1 and get immediate help.

5. Know your limits

It is NOT your job to solve your loved one’s mental health struggles. Setting healthy boundaries and limits for how you can help someone you love is an important way for you to stay healthy, and for them to be able to actually get the help they need. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t answer a phone call at 1 a.m. or rush over to hold a friend in the middle of a panic attack. Beating yourself up or holding yourself to unrealistic expectations is not good for YOUR mental health, and is not helpful for you or your loved one. Do what you can, seek to connect them with resources that CAN be there for them in those moments, and respect your own limits.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
In any situation where we are trying to support those we love and strengthen our connections with them, it’s important to remember that people usually just want to feel loved, heard, and understood. It’s the same with our loved ones who live with mental illness. The more we talk about mental health, the more we give each other permission to struggle, to ask for help, and to thrive even when the odds may seem against us. 
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Personal Practice 1Option 1: Share about a personal mental health struggle on social media to let others know that they are not alone, and to fight the stigma against mental illness.
Option 2: Share a message of hope on social media for those who may be struggling with mental illness.

References

Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S., & Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363. doi: 10.1017/s0033291714001299
Lam, D. C. K., Salkovskis, P. M., & Hogg, L. I. (2015). ‘Judging a book by its cover’: An experimental study of the negative impact of a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder on clinicians’ judgements of uncomplicated panic disorder. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(3), 253–268. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12093
Learn About Mental Health – Mental Health – CDC. (2018, January 26). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/learn/index.htm
Mental Health By the Numbers. (2020). Retrieved from https://nami.org/mhstats

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Maintaining Relationships Through Mental Illness

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Written by McKay Strong
Battling mental illness is a family experience: shared together, but suffered individually. “Families describe that often, it is not the family member with the illness who suffers the most, but rather it is other family members”  (Marshall, 2010).
Maintaining relationships through mental health battles can be difficult for anyone involved – the one with the mental illness, and the one(s) loving the one with the mental illness. There are unique struggles that each person faces, but I’m here to tell you that no matter what they are, a relationship – of any kind – can persist even when someone’s mental health is at an all-time low.
Despite a recent effort to de-stigmatize mental illnesses, many people still face stereotyping, rejection, status loss, discrimination, and low power (Link and Phelan 2001) due to their mental health struggles. I myself have been told by a (now former) friend – who also has depression, mind you – that I was too sad to be around. These kinds of statements are extremely detrimental and unfortunately, are fairly common among those with a mental illness.
I hate to admit that I have even found myself judging someone else’s mental health in comparison to mine. If I’m able to do X despite my diagnoses, why can’t they? Can we just collectively agree that mental illness is as real and valid as physical illness? Not only that, but it impacts people differently, and different individuals respond to different treatments. That’s one of the hardest things about mental illnesses: they are different in everyone.

Relationships can help heal.

You are never alone in your suffering. Even if everyone experiences mental illnesses in different ways, there are people who understand what you’re going through. Families especially “can have a significant impact on their relative’s recovery” (McFarlane, Dixon, Lukens, & Lucksted, 2003, p. 224). And that’s why familial support is so important – sometimes, they’re the most important resource for an individual who is struggling.
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Photo from pexels.com
Here are some ideas on how to support someone with a mental illness (for more ideas specific to supporting a romantic partner living with mental illness, check out another one of our posts here):
  1. Set boundaries! This can be difficult, but it will benefit both you and the one struggling in the long run. Whether this means having a boundary on the amount of time you’re willing to share, or just being allowed to say “no” to someone, boundaries help create a stable relationship.
  2. Give them the opportunity to talk and open up but don’t press. Offer your support. Specifically ask, “How can I help you?”
  3. Find out if they are getting the care that they need. Connect them to help if needed. Assist them in researching doctors, medications, therapists, non-traditional remedies, etc.
  4. Reassure them that you care about them and are there for them. Show them respect, compassion, and empathy.
  5. Continue to invite them to things without being overbearing. A lot of the time, people like to feel included even if they aren’t feeling up to doing things.

Relationships can become stronger than ever.

At some points, one person may be giving more than taking, and one may be taking more than giving; but for a relationship to flourish, both partners have to give and take. You need someone who will stand by your side, love you, and give you help when you need it. And you need someone who can trust you to do the same for them. You don’t need to hide who you are. You don’t need to be afraid to ask for help. And you don’t need to settle for anyone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of your heart, because regardless of your struggles, it really does.
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Photo from pexels.com
One of the most important things that I learned in my undergraduate education is that families can bounce back from anything, and can find resilience (ie. the capacity to recover from difficulty) that helps them be stronger than they ever were before (Walsh, 2016). It almost makes me grateful for trials – knowing the power they have to bring us together and strengthen our bonds. A family setting is a perfect place for individuals to practice learning how to be resilient, and to learn how to foster close relationships that will help them get through the tough times. 
Here are a few tips for building family resilience:
  • Practice connecting: Dr. Ann Masten has said, “Much of resilience, especially in children, but also throughout the life span, is embedded in close relationships with other people. Those relationships give you a profound sense of emotional security and the feeling that someone has your back, because they do.” (Southwick, et. al, 2014) Families give us the opportunity to learn how to connect with each other. Parents can model positive connection both with each other and with their children. As children interact with their parents and siblings, they can learn through trial and error how to create and nurture positive relationships.
  • Practice failing: When it comes to resilience, learning how to fail without your world falling apart is a must. Failure is something that we encounter throughout our everyday lives in both small and big ways, and the family is a perfect place for us to develop a positive relationship with failure. At the dinner table, instead of asking, “what did you do today?”, try asking, “what was something you failed at today, and what did you learn from it?” Get rid of the shame surrounding failure, and teach your family how to learn from it!
  • Practice positivity: Gratitude and thankfulness can be an important part of building resilience in individuals and families. It helps us to move through difficulties and focus on the growth that comes from them. Finding opportunities in any situation to practice gratitude isn’t just holding on to a silver lining, it is actually actively changing your brain and inviting more positivity into your life. As a family, practice recognizing what you have to be grateful for, and share in that gratitude together.
Mental illness can both affect our relationships, and in turn, be altered by them. It is up to us to decide whether we allow them to push us apart, or bring us closer.
Personal Practice 1Think of someone you know that has a mental illness – maybe it’s you! Ponder how your relationships have changed because of mental health and reflect on what you can do to help them become stronger than ever.

References

Link, Bruce G., Elmer L. Struening, Sheree Neese-Todd, Sara Asmussen, and Jo C. Phelan. 2001. ‘‘The Consequences of Stigma for the Self-Esteem of People with Mental Illnesses.’’ Psychiatric Services 52:1621–26.
Marshall, A., Bell, J. M., & Moules, N. J. (2010). Beliefs, Suffering, and Healing: A Clinical Practice Model for Families Experiencing Mental Illness. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 46(3), 197–208. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6163.2010.00259.x
Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: interdisciplinary perspectives. European journal of psychotraumatology, 5, 10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338. https://doi:10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338
Walia, A. (2019, February 14). Scientists Show How Gratitude Literally Alters The Human Heart & Molecular Structure Of The Brain. Retrieved from https://www.collective-evolution.com/2019/02/14/scientists-show-how-gratitude-literally-alters-the-human-heart-molecular-structure-of-the-brain/?fbclid=IwAR2g0REP1F16T6hF6RYim1E5DyIcqHST4UP7QSLZResORq5j1q6RMbzpPuQ
Walsh, F. (2016). Applying a Family Resilience Framework in Training, Practice, and Research: Mastering the Art of the Possible. Family Process, 55(4), 616–632. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12260

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.

 

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