“So will you be going back to work after the baby comes?” I can’t tell you how many times I got this question while my husband and I were expecting the birth of our little boy. I had recently graduated with my Bachelor’s degree, and I was working full-time as a data entry specialist – a job that I enjoyed, but certainly not my dream career. We had gone over our budget and figured out that we would be okay to live on my husband’s income alone, but I still wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to work exclusively as a stay-at-home mom (because it’s more than a full-time job, believe me), or if I wanted to try and tackle working outside the home as well.
Before I tell you what my husband and I decided for our family, let’s take a look at what some of the research says about being a stay-at-home mom.
Mommas in the Workforce
According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s most recent Bureau of Labor Statistics News Release, “the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 71.1% in 2017” (that’s up 0.6% from 2016, and compared with 92.8% of all fathers). That’s a lot of moms! However, stay-at-home motherhood is also seemingly on the rise, with 29% of mothers now staying home with children (a sharp increase from 23% in 1999).
Photo by Alex Shaw on Unsplash
Stay-at-home motherhood and working motherhood are often pitted against each other in highly emotionally-charged conversations. Because motherhood is something that is very dear to the hearts of many, and because it is not just a practical issue, but a cultural and gender issue as well, people often feel very strongly about whether moms should be in the home. While approximately 70% of Americans believe that a working mother “can establish just as warm and secure a relationship with her children” as a stay-at-home mom, 60% also think that having a mother (or parent) at home is what is best for children.
For the Kids
The research seems to agree with that 60%, since having at least one parent in the home has shown positive outcomes for both younger and older kids. For young children, developing healthy attachment to a parent or caregiver (most commonly the mother) is particularly essential to a child’s well-being and development. While work doesn’t necessarily interfere with a mother’s capability to develop a healthy attachment with her child, time in the home can certainly give a child more opportunity to have those interactions necessary to develop a healthy attachment. As for older children, having a parent at home has been shown to have an affect on school performance. In this particular study in Norway, kids with a stay-at-home parent had higher GPA’s than those who were placed in daycare. Though the differences in GPA may seem small, their statistical significance shows that having a parent at home does actually make a difference for kids.
Photo from pexels.com
The Daycare Dilemma
Like stay-at-home motherhood, there are plenty of strong opinions out there about what role daycare should (or shouldn’t) play in children’s lives. Over the years, research on daycare has shown a variety of results, mostly due to the wide variety of daycare options out there. The most current research, however, has shown that there are two major factors for the effects that daycare can potentially have on a child:
#1 – Quality of Daycare – Whether or not a daycare is considered to be “high quality” (at least as far as research goes) is usually determined by both environmental factors (caregiver-child ratio, group size, noise level, caregiver education, etc.) and child-caregiver relationship factors (caregiver sensitivity, responsiveness, warmth, etc.). The quality of a daycare has consistently shown to be a determining factor in how the child is affected by significant amounts of time away from parents.
#2 – Home Environment – Most children, whether or not they consistently attend daycare, still spend a significant amount of time at home. What that time at home looks like, regardless of the actual amount, can have a significant effect on a child’s well-being. Research has shown that, “important home environment predictors of development are parents’ education, family income and structure, mothers’ psychological adjustment and sensitivity, and the social and cognitive quality of the home environment.” Furthermore, maternal sensitivity is one of the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment – for both kids who attend daycare, and kids who don’t.
Moms, Jobs, and Mental Health
Because a mother’s mental health is important to the health of her children, understanding the relationship between work and mom’s mental health is to our advantage. However, research has found that the connection between a mom’s choice to work and her mental health is not as straightforward as some might assume. An interesting 2012 study by Holmes, Erickson, and Hill, compared the mental and emotional health of stay-at-home and working mothers, while also taking into account their work preference (whether or not they wanted to be working outside the home). What they found was that poor mental health (specifically depression) was not so much predicted by a mother’s job status — instead, what mattered was whether or not there was a discrepancy between what the mom wanted to be doing, and what she was actually doing. If she wanted to be at home but was forced to work, or on the other hand, if she wanted to work but had to stay home, depression was more likely.
Photo by Melissa Alexandria on Unsplash
Taking it one step further, another study that examined similar factors found that employment isn’t always necessarily “good” or “bad” for a women’s mental health. A lot actually depends on the quality of the job, and this can sometimes even overpower a woman’s preference. “Mothers employed in low-quality jobs face a heightened risk of depression even when they do want to work for pay. But interestingly, mothers employed in high-quality jobs face a low risk of depression even if they do NOT want to work for pay.”
“It Takes a Village”
It seems that the optimal option here is to align your work or home life as closely as possible with your personal preferences and desires. While this is what would be ideal for your mental health, it certainly isn’t an option for every mom out there. Finances, health issues, divorce, and myriad other extenuating circumstances prevent many parents from living their idealized balance between home and work. When this is the case, all hope is not lost! This would be an optimal time to remember the old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Whether or not your life as a mom lines up perfectly with your personal ideal, it is to your (and your child’s) advantage to use your own village. Social support is essential in the life of any mom, and research has shown that it even acts as a buffer for parenting stress (Holmes, Erickson, & Hill, 2012). Furthermore, having a strong social support system has actually been shown to improve a parent’s parenting style (increasing both parental warmth, and parental monitoring), and a child’s future social skills. Family, friends, spouses, neighbors, therapists, doctors, and even sometimes complete strangers can all assist you in making your own parenting journey a success. Take advantage of your village!
Photo from pexels.com
My Choice and Your Choice
After about 3 months of adjusting to motherhood, I decided that I wanted to try applying for a work-from-home job; allowing me to still devote the majority of my time and focus to my son, but at the same time giving me a way to pursue my personal passions and have a mental break from my time as a mom. My husband has been incredibly supportive of my desire to work, which has been extra helpful when it gets particularly difficult to juggle my various roles both in and outside of the home.
Deciding whether or not to stay at home or return to work after you have a baby (or even later on as kids get older) is an incredibly personal decision, and is an important decision that can have an effect both on you and your child’s well-being. I recommend in order to help you make a more informed decision, do some of your own research! Make a pros and cons list of the things that are most important to you and your spouse. Talk about it together. Remember that having a balanced life is the best way to ensure your and your family’s happiness. As you make the choice to create a life for you and your family, find what works for you, and don’t worry about whether that looks the same as it does for everyone else.
Have a conversation with your partner or spouse about about your personal work and family goals. What are your hopes? Your expectations? Be sure to be open and honest with one another.
Holmes, E. K., Erickson, J. J., & Hill, E. J. (2012). Doing what she thinks is best: Maternal psychological wellbeing and attaining desired work situations. Human Relations, 65(4), 501–522. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0018726711431351
Taylor, Z. E., Conger, R. D., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2015). Parenting practices and perceived social support: Longitudinal relations with the social competence of Mexican-origin children. Journal of Latina/o Psychology, 3(4), 193–208. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/lat0000038
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
As a recovering perfectionist, this is a truth I am learning to embrace.
I have always tried to justify my perfectionism by telling myself that perfectionism is a good thing, that perfectionism is just me striving to improve myself. In reality, though, perfectionism holds you and I back from being our very best selves.
In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,”Brené Brown describes that, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best….Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.… Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
Photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash
Let that sink in a little. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life so worried about what other people think that I don’t live freely, bravely, and authentically.
In a recent study of 41,641 college students, researchers Curran and Hill (2017) found that perfectionism has increased significantly over the past twenty-seven years. Curran and Hill speculate that this increase is likely due to society becoming increasingly individualistic and materialistic. In addition, young people are faced with more unrealistic expectations than previous generations.
So what can we do about it?
First, calm the comparisons.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In our current society, especially with the influence of social media, it can be so easy to compare ourselves with the best in other people, but this can steal our joy.
In her book “For the Love,” Jen Hatmaker describes how easy it is to fall into this trap of comparison. She explains, “the trouble is, we have close-up access to [people] who excel in each individual sphere. With social media and its carefully selected messaging… we make note of their achievements… then we combine the best of everything we see, every woman (or man) we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that.”
If we step back from the screen, however, we are able to recognize how unfair it is to compare ourselves with the very best in other people. Rather than compare, take time to recognize that we each have unique strengths and gifts that we bring to the world. Appreciate your own talents and successes and compliment the talents and successes of others without making it a competition.
Second, challenge the “all-or-nothing” mentality.
Perfectionism thrives on an “all-or-nothing” mentality. According to therapists at the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Center of Los Angeles, “all-or-nothing thinking refers to thinking in extremes. You are either a success or a failure. Your performance was totally good or totally bad. If you are not perfect, then you are a failure. This binary way of thinking does not account for shades of gray, and can be responsible for a great deal of negative evaluations of yourself and others.”
Photo on Daryan Shamkhali on Unsplash
Here are a few examples:
Example 1:You lose your patience with your child. Rather than beat yourself up with thoughts like, “I am such a bad mom!” try something more kind such as, “I am a good mom who lost her patience.”
Example 2:You set a goal to exercise five days this week but you miss a day. Rather than jump to thoughts like, “I am so lazy! I never do what I say I am going to do!” try something like, “I did not exercise today, but I have done really well the other days. I am excited to try again tomorrow!”
Example 3:You show up late to a meeting. Rather than fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking with comments like, “I am always late! I am so irresponsible. Why do I even try?” try thinking something more positive such as, “I did not make it right on time to the meeting, but I still came which shows my dedication. I am proud of myself for showing up.”
Rather than only seeing yourself as a “success” or “failure,” try giving yourself a little grace and some space to be human.
Third, embrace being a beginner.
As a perfectionist, it is easy to fall into the trap of not trying things simply due to fear of failure or fear of what people might think. The trouble with that, though, is that when we cease to experience we cease to become. Trying things and learning from our experiences is an essential part of being human.
Photo from pexels.com
AnxietyBC explains that, “having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect… Facing fears in a gradual and consistent manner is the most effective way to overcome phobias, and is called “exposure”. For example, the best way to overcome a dog phobia is to gradually spend time with dogs, to learn that they are not as scary and dangerous as you initially thought. Similarly, overcoming your “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect involves doing just that–gradually and purposely making mistakes and coming across as imperfect. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly.”
So next time you want to bow out, avoid a situation, or say no simply because you are afraid of failure, choose courage. Enjoy the fun of giving yourself permission to be imperfect. Embrace mistakes as growth opportunities.
Conclusion
Overcoming perfectionistic tendencies isn’t easy, but it does open up a world of joy and opportunity we can’t fully experience when we are grasping onto the idea of “perfection”. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good, and remember, you are enough.
Do something that sounds fun to you without worrying about what other people might think! Turn up the music and dance your heart out, sing your favorite song with the windows rolled down, or wear that outfit you absolutely love but that hides in the back of your closet because it’s not “in style.”
References
Brown, B. C. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2017, December 28). Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138
Hatmaker, J. (2015). For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards. Nashville, TN: Nelson Books.
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take the time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
–Eleanor Brown
Many of us are serving from empty vessels on a daily basis.
A Gallup news poll from December 2017 indicated that on average, 44% of Americans feel stressed. That number increases to 49% if you are female. If you have a job and a child, that number goes up to 59%. And people ages 18 to 49 experience the most stress at 54 and 56%. For most of us, life moves quickly and there are many demands on our time, energy, and mental load. Many of us feel overloaded. The effects of this are bigger than just feeling unhappy.
Stress can cause a myriad of issues, resulting in depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, irritability, and general unhappiness. Our bodies often will manifest our stress as well. Our emotions play a role in many types of chronic conditions — in how they progress or how we experience the illness. Reviews of the research have indicated since the 1970’s that 60-80% doctors’ visits are stress related. Many of our common chronic physical complaints (i.e. chest, heart and abdominal pains, headaches, gastrointestinal issues) have been showed to be affected, caused or made worse by stress. This is not new information, yet we still aren’t taking it seriously.
Running on Empty
The analogy of a car can help us visualize why self-care is important and what kinds of self-care we need.
Our cars take a certain amount of attention to keep functioning. If we ignore the “E” light on our gas gauge or neglect regular maintenance, there are consequences. Not taking care of our vehicle means that it may stop running properly and it is no longer able to help us.
Our bodies and our minds also need attention. Eventually, neglect catches up. We may experience physical or emotional breakdown. To prevent that, we all need to have activities that maintain and repair.
A literature review of research studying the effects of self-care on those in caregiving professions (such as hospice workers and social workers), found that self-care was helpful in reducing burnout and symptoms of secondary trauma, and that it improved happiness. The review also showed that engaging in several types of self-care is more effective and protective than just doing one type of self-care. It would seem logical that what helps professional caregivers would be worth keeping in mind for all of us.
So What Is Self Care?
Self Care isn’t just bubble baths and chocolate. It isn’t just exercise and eating healthy. It isn’t just vacations or walks in the woods. It can be those things. And a hundred others….
Self Care isn’t one specific thing……..
It’s many habits, big and small, which together soothe and make sure we are functioning at our best — emotionally, mentally and physically.
Why is developing a habit of self-care important?
Your health and happiness depends on it.
You can’t give what you don’t have.
Martyrdom is overrated. We don’t have to suffer and sacrifice our happiness and wellbeing for the sake of others. What good are we then?
You are worth it.
Self-care needs to reflect and be flexible to our specific circumstances. Both our all-caps CIRCUMSTANCES — which are things not easily changed like your life stage or physical limitations, and our lowercase circumstances — which are things that change more frequently like if your kids are sick, if you have a really busy week. What you can do for self-care today may not be the same as what you could do last year, or even what you will be able to do next week.
Recognize You Need and Deserve It
“Taking care of your self doesn’t mean me first. It means me too.”
-L.R. Knost
Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean neglecting other people. Self-care allows you to have the emotional and physical resources to do all the things you want to do in your life.
If this is a hard idea, perhaps start thinking about the reasons to engage in self-care, about what it will do for you.
Still too hard?
Maybe all you can do is think about what you HOPE it will do. That’s a good enough place to start.
Then think about what is getting in your way. Do you need permission? Consider this your permission!
What else is in the way? Time? Money? Feeling unworthy of it?
Problem solve with someone who loves you and supports your efforts to care for yourself. It is possible to find things that refuel and renew with any budget and any time frame.
Make Time
“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
– Jean Shinoda Bolen
Identify what refuels, rejuvenates and refreshes you. A self-care assessment can clarify what you are already doing and where gaps are in your self-care practices. Click this link for a self-care-assessment that identifies different kinds of self-care.
If you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, you might have forgotten what you like!
Now build your self-care plan. Click here for a worksheet that will help you in creating your own personal self-care plan. Once you’ve identified a variety of activities that might work for you, it’s easier to schedule them into your day and your life.
Self-care can be big or small. Try to do something every day that is enjoyable for you. It may be a small thing, like savoring your favorite cold drink. It may be bigger like hanging out with a friend. You might already do something enjoyable every day, but not be aware of it. Bring your awareness to it, tell yourself “This is for me.” This acknowledgment increases your enjoyment, and increases its power to refresh you.
Self-care is by nature kind and self-compassionate. Be gentle to yourself as you try to learn this new habit. Anything you do is better than nothing. Start where you are. Make one small change, then another. And as you make those small changes, like adding coins to a pile, the effects of them grow. Soon you will find that your ability to handle stress increases, your tension is reduced and your love and appreciation for yourself grows. And that’s a nice way to live a life.
Reva Cook grew up around the world as an Air Force brat, gaining an appreciation and love for people of all walks of life. She received her BS degree from Brigham Young University and her MSW from the University of Utah. She has many years of experience working with those who are finding life hard to navigate. She has worked for Intermountain Healthcare as an ER crisis worker, and as Utah Valley Live Well Center’s LCSW. She is a therapist with The Healing Group, specializing in maternal mental health, motherhood, anxiety, and life transitions. She preaches the message of learning to love your real, imperfect, complicated life as a reoccurring guest on KSL’s Studio 5, in FB Live interviews with the baby cubby and Intermountain Moms, and on FB as Reva Cook and Instagram as @revacooklcsw. In her spare time, she juggles life with her husband Clint and their 4 kids and 3 cats.She enjoys funny memes, Diet Coke, and planning home DIY projects that occasionally actually happen.
Suicide has been at the forefront of my mind lately, especially with the recent tragic deaths of fashion designer Kate Spade on June 5, and chef Anthony Bourdain on June 8. Nearly every article recently published about this topic shares grim statistics and a list of resources for those struggling to receive help. However, numbers are impersonal, and celebrities sometimes seem abstract—and, it has come to my attention that there is a far greater population that we don’t often talk about: the people who struggle with suicidal ideation and tendencies, and who are here—living, breathing, working, laughing, and struggling with troubling thoughts that most of their friends and family may not be aware of.
For good measure, let’s first look at the numbers.
9.8 million people seriously thought about suicide
2.8 million people made a plan for suicide
1.3 million people attempted suicide
Nearly 45,000 people died from suicide
The number of people who seriously think about suicide is 3.5 times more than those who make a plan for suicide, and over 7.5 times more than those who attempt suicide. In this article, we’ll meet three individuals who struggle with suicidal ideation, who have offered to share their experiences.
*I should note that I know two of these individuals personally (and have had the privilege of getting to know the third through this project), and I had no idea that they have struggled with this. As you read their experiences, keep in mind that their experiences may easily mirror those of your closest friends and family members. You may just not know it yet.
Photo by ActionVance on Unsplash
To protect these individuals’ privacy, I’ll be referring to them as Annie, Megan, and Sarah. All are in their mid-to-late 20’s.
Part 1: Introductions
Annie began having suicidal thoughts when she was around 8 or 9 years old, triggered by family members’ survivalist tendencies and religious beliefs about apocalyptic prophecies, “signs of the times,” and the terrible things that would happen to the wicked people before the second coming of Christ. While the option of suicide was a last resort when she was younger, over time (and through various traumatic events in her life), the option came more quickly and often to the front of her mind. The suicidal thoughts were also heightened through the hormone imbalance PMDD—Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder—a severe form of PMS that includes suicidal ideation as a possible symptom. She has attempted suicide twice.
Megan’s suicidal thoughts began soon after she was married—first through depression, which turned into self-destructive behavior, which quickly escalated into suicidal tendency. Because her suicidal thoughts began shortly after her marriage, both her and her husband struggled thinking the two situations were connected. Over time and with help, they were able to discover that the life change of getting married was a trigger rather than the root of the issue. More on that later in the article!
Sarah has experienced many traumas through her life so far, including feeling like an outcast in her adopted family, being told regularly what a failure and embarrassment she is to her family, and losing her childhood best friend in her senior year of high school. “Losing her hurt the most,” she states. “I have never been the same.” Sarah sought help in November 2015 after not sleeping for a week and was diagnosed bipolar. Shortly after her diagnosis she tried to commit suicide and (gratefully) failed. “I was overwhelmed and just tired of living,” she states. “I had nothing to live for.” She spent 23 days in a psych hospital, after which she attended a 2-month outpatient program. In February 2017 she gave birth to her first child. In December 2017 she overdosed and spent 11 days in the psych hospital.
Part 2: Creating a Team
Annie’s catalyst to seeking help came after she confided in her then-boyfriend. He felt helpless and unsure of how to help, and chose to end the relationship. Annie then decided to find help for her specific issues. She was able to find a therapist who was not only a suicidologist who had experience working with people with suicidal ideation, but also had a knowledge of PMDD. Annie shares, “[My therapist has] been an incredible help to me in not only feeling accepted despite my struggle with suicidal ideation but in working to retrain my mind to take pauses at moments when the thoughts typically arise, using coping statements to move past them, using grounding techniques, meditation, and even yoga.”
Photo from pexels.com
For Megan, help came when she was finally able to admit that she needed help, to recognize and talk about the problem, and then to see a specialist about it. “It took many doctor visits and a lot of time to learn that it was only a trigger — that it wasn’t because of the marriage, but because the huge life change essentially flipped a switch in my brain that started the depression and suicidal tendencies.” She continues, “Sometimes high stress situations will worsen it, but it’s been no different than any other illness that comes and goes randomly. I mean, if you get a cold and put stress on your body it’ll make it worse, but it’s not the root cause. It just happens, and it’s hard to disassociate it without blaming it on things in life or on people.” For Megan, the suicidal tendencies stem from a chemical imbalance, and recognizing that makes it easier for her—and her husband—to handle, and has even brought them closer. Being open about her struggles with those closest to her, and helping people understand that this is an illness, has been one of the best things for her.
Sarah also found outside help. She states, “What’s helped most is speaking to a counselor and just trying to make time for myself. I received a rock in outpatient therapy. It says ‘enough.’ The rock goes everywhere I go. It means more to me than anybody will ever understand. I struggle with self worth and feeling like I’m never enough. That rock constantly reminds me I am.”
While each of these women had their own unique journeys, their common path seems to be finding a therapist or other qualified professional to help them navigate their healing. Each of these professionals have different specialties, backgrounds, and personalities—and these women have found the professional who can best help them in their unique journey.
Part 3: What they’d like friends and family to know
Annie says: “Most people have no idea how to respond when someone confides in them about suicidal ideation. Which I totally get, it can be scary. But even if you don’t outright reject someone when they confide in you, sometimes certain responses can still feel like rejection. More often than not, suicidal thoughts will communicate to the person that they are unloved, are a burden, wouldn’t be missed, have nothing to contribute to the world, etc. and a lot of these thoughts can come from loneliness (at least they often do in my case). So helping that person feel accepted, loved, wanted, and included can make so MUCH of a difference. Being willing and patient enough to reassure someone of this repeatedly (for as long as they need it) can be helpful too.”
Photo by Christian Newman on Unsplash
She also notes that there’s a difference between someone who is suicidal and someone struggling with suicidal ideation. While Annie has struggled with suicidal ideation for most of her life, she has only been suicidal 2-3 times. “That’s not to say that suicidal ideation isn’t dangerous,” she notes. “It absolutely can be since it can always escalate. But it is good to know that [suicidal ideation and being suicidal] can be very different so that your immediate response maybe isn’t one of panic or fear but a desire to understand what the other person is actually experiencing so that you can actually help them more effectively.”
I followed up with Annie, asking how someone can recognize whether someone is suicidal as opposed to experiencing suicidal ideation. She said that the line is often different for different people, and can be imperceptible, even to those closest to them. In Annie’s opinion, the best thing someone can do is make sure their friends have access to resources, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), or the Crisis Text Line (Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States). You can also sit down with your friend and help them navigate their healthcare options to find a therapist they’d be comfortable with.
Megan emphasizes the importance of recognizing that suicidal tendencies are often the result of chemical imbalances—and that this is a sickness, not a choice. “This is a hard thing to explain to someone who doesn’t struggle with suicidal tendencies, or know of someone who does, because it’s really weird to think of your own mind just doing this to yourself. People will equate it with things they are more familiar with, like the kid they knew in high school who decided life was too hard, or their own occasional depressed feelings after a tough breakup, or what they’ve seen on television and so on. Those are all real life experiences but they differ from suicidal tendency in that it’s solely an illness of the brain, a chemical imbalance, like the way cancerous cells take over the body.” Offering love and support is the best thing you can offer. Megan says, “Never underestimate the power of ‘I am here for you,’ ‘You can do this,’ a holding of the hand, even a smile.”
Sarah echoed these sentiments, adding: “I wish people would be compassionate and give us grace.”
Part 4: For those struggling with suicidal tendencies
Annie was very honest about her current place in this journey: “It absolutely sucks but you’re definitely not alone in this—more people experience this than you realize.” She continues, “Having these thoughts doesn’t mean you’re broken. You always have the power to change them and not to act on them. It might take time and a lot of effort, especially when you’re really struggling, but it’s doable. I’d like to say ‘It gets better,’ but I’m not personally there yet, so I can’t say that I personally know that for sure. I do know that the human mind can accomplish so many surprising things, that it doesn’t feel unreasonable to think that it’s possible to overcome suicidal ideation. I used to feel very certain that suicide would eventually be the end of me. Now, I’m at least somewhat hopeful that, maybe that won’t be the case.”
Photo from pexels.com
On a similar note, Megan says, “For anyone else that might be going through anything similar, I know this is not a helpful thing to hear now but it does get better, always. And do not be afraid to admit it, to be open about it, or to seek help. I remember hearing that while I was on the fence about it, and how much I felt it wasn’t for me. But everything changed for the better almost immediately after I stepped out of that bubble. And, while I still struggle with it sometimes, in hindsight I’m all the better for opening myself to it.”
Sarah offers us a closing declaration: “Don’t give up,” she says. “The journey is hard, but you have a purpose here. You are enough, even on the dark days you don’t see it. If you’re struggling, don’t be scared to reach out for help. Confide in someone you trust and love.”
Part 5: Resources
Thank you so much to these incredible women for sharing their experiences with suicidal ideation. I’m grateful that this conversation is open, and hope that your sharing will help others feel less alone.
Photo by Jonathan Rados on Unsplash
Over the last few weeks, as this topic has become more prevalent in the news and social media, one of the most impactful things I have read is a simple statement: Check on your strong friend.
You can’t always see suicidal thoughts or plans. You can’t always see depression, anxiety, or any other internal struggles. The strongest and happiest people you know may very well be fighting the most difficult battles within them. Show love to everyone. Offer friendship, compassion, and grace to those you know are struggling. Be willing to sit with those who are hurting. And know the resources, just in case.
Conrad, K. J., Bezruczko, N., Chan, Y.-F., Riley, B., Diamond, G., & Dennis, M. L. (2010). Screening for atypical suicide risk with person fit statistics among people presenting to alcohol and other drug treatment. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 106(2–3), 92–100. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2009.07.023
Norlev, J., Davidsen, M., Sundaram, V., & Kjøller, M. (2005). Indicators Associated with Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Attempts Among 16-35-Year-Old Danes: A National Representative Population Study. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 35(3), 291–308. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1521/suli.2005.35.3.291
Vasiliadis, H.-M., Lamoureux-Lamarche, C., Pitrou, I., & Berbiche, D. (2020). Sex differences in type of lifetime trauma and suicidal ideation mediated by post-traumatic stress and anxio-depressive disorders in older adults. International Psychogeriatrics, 32(4), 473–483. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/S1041610219001893
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Psychologists and other social scientists have found over and over that forgiveness is an important part of personal mental health, and that forgiving is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Forgiveness is an important skill across all personal and family relationships because all of us make mistakes, and all of us have been hurt in one way or another by someone we associate with. Research shows us that in strong relationships, couples forgive more readily, and that forgiveness fosters increased intimacy and trust.
Sometimes, though, it is hard to know what forgiveness really is. And our incorrect perceptions about forgiveness can make the idea a source of even greater mental stress, pain, or even anger. Some of us feel that if we forgive, the other person will not be held accountable. We feel that if we forgive, we are letting things go too much, and allowing ourselves to be mistreated and walked all over. Some of us believe that forgiveness is just moving on entirely and pretending that no wrong was ever committed at all. Not quite. So let me tell you what forgiveness is NOT.
1. Forgiveness is not removing accountability.
Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that they aren’t responsible for their actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. You can forgive someone and still not trust them, or still need something from them, or still expect them to make repairs – emotionally or physically.
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2. Forgiveness is not the same as reparation.
This ties into the previous point. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean they are no longer required to own up to the consequences of their actions. It simply means that no grudge is held or vengeance wanted.
3. Forgiveness is not allowing yourself to be a victim.
When we forgive someone for their wrongs, we are not saying, “Please, continue mistreating me.” We are not making ourselves doormats. When we forgive someone, we choose to take responsibility for our emotions and not harbor ill will, but that doesn’t mean that we forfeit the right to advocate for ourselves and our needs. Even with forgiveness, we still have room to state our expectations, be treated with respect, and in the worst cases, end unhealthy relationships.
Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash
4. Forgiveness is not pretending you’re okay when you aren’t.
It is possible to say, “I forgive you, but this isn’t okay and we need to talk about it.” It is also possible to say, “I am hurt and angered by what was done; I’m not okay. But I want to be.” We can also say, “I want to work through this, but that means some changes need to be made.” Which brings us to my final point.
5. Forgiveness is not an instant event.
Remember that forgiveness, especially for the big offenses, does not always come overnight. Most of us are unable to forgive overnight when we are hurt, especially in the face of traumatic experiences. Forgiveness takes time, and that is absolutely okay. We are not even required to say, “I forgive you.” We are only expected to try – mostly for ourselves.
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We forgive for ourselves as much as for anyone else. By holding a grudge or seeking revenge, we prevent our own growth, mental health and happiness. Forgiveness is a process in which we free ourselves. It is us saying, “I am not okay with what happened, and I have boundaries. But I also do not make room in my life for negative space and grudges. I do not have to power struggle to be happy.”
References
Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association.
Lopez, S. J., & Snyder, C. R. (2011). Handbook of positive psychology. Oxford: Oxford Univ. Press.
Meek, W., Ph.D. (2012, July 26). Myths of Forgiveness. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201207/myths-forgiveness
McCullough, M. E., & Witvliet, C. V. (2005). The Psychology of Forgiveness (S. J. Lopez, Ed.). In C. R. Snyder (Ed.), Handbook of positive psychology(pp. 448-455). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Sweet, R. (2001). Forgiveness and Restoration. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
