What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the acronym PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? When they hear this term, most people tend to think of veterans and soldiers. For me, that misconception changed the day my mom came home from an appointment with a therapist and told my family about her PTSD diagnosis. In that moment my perceptions about PTSD began to change. My mom was suddenly someone who had never served in the military but now had a diagnosis common to many veterans. I started to see that PTSD wasn’t limited to just the veterans, but that it is possible for anyone to end up with PTSD (Van Der Kolk, 2015).
What is PTSD?
PTSD is a mental illness caused by exposure to trauma. However, not everyone who is exposed to trauma will end up with PTSD, only about 7-8% of the population in the United States will have a PTSD diagnosis at some point in their life. Some populations such as women, military veterans, those who were/are abused, and rape and sexual assault survivors are all more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD. Other risk factors for PTSD include long-lasting trauma, early childhood trauma, holding a job that you are more likely to see traumatic events, lack of social support and having a history of mental illness in your family. Although we know of all these risk factors, medical and mental health professional don’t actually know what causes PTSD.
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What are the symptoms of PTSD?
PTSD has a variety of symptoms including the following (please note this is not a comprehensive list):
Avoidant behavior: This could include avoiding certain places, people, or objects that are or could be associated with the trauma.
Reliving the traumatic event: This includes, nightmares or flashbacks where you feel like you are back in the traumatic event and reliving it. Triggers can include sights, smells, or sounds that take you back to the event.
Negative thinking and moods: This includes feeling hopeless about the world, feeling down or depressed, forgetting pieces of the traumatic event, detachment from relationships and feeling emotionally numb
Hyperarousal sometimes described as being on edge:This includes being startled at loud noises, having a hard time sleeping, overwhelming guilt or shame, trouble concentrating, and anger or aggression
Note: PTSD can definitely be hard to understand especially when you aren’t the one directly experiencing it. I would highly recommend watching the show Lie to Me episode “React to Contact” (Season 2 Episode 14). This episode follows a veteran returning home and struggling with PTSD. It’s a great example of what PTSD is like and uses a unique form of treatment that someday may be a reality.
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Treatment for PTSD
There are a variety of treatments used to treat PTSD, however, there is no permanent cure so treatment is more to help those who have PTSD live their day to day lives with fewer symptoms. Treatment for PTSD includes some sort of trauma-focused therapy such as EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) or cognitive behavioral therapy along with some sort of medication, usually an antidepressant. So far these are the only forms of treatment that are research-proven, but activities such as yoga and mindfulness exercises may also be beneficial.
Relationships and PTSD
Now that I’ve talked about the more technical side of PTSD and what it is, I want to talk about the relationship side of PTSD. I have many incredible people in my life who have been diagnosed with PTSD from both military and non-military related trauma. However, I want to focus on those who I am closest to, and their PTSD has been a result of non-military related trauma.
The Parent-Child Relationship and PTSD
I’ll start first with my sweet mom. Her PTSD diagnosis came when I was a teenager and it had a large impact on my family. The first thing was that it gave her a diagnosis other than depression and anxiety (which she had been dealing with from the time before I was born). This new diagnosis meant she could start finding a treatment that would help with the memories, dreams, and flashbacks she would experience. In a lot of ways it was a huge relief because even though I didn’t understand 100% what it was, it seemed that she could now get the help that she needed.
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I do remember times where I struggled to connect with her because she was emotionally distant. This was especially true on days when she had had therapy and she was processing. Research has shown that this is actually common; a parent that has PTSD may be distant from their child, especially when they are processing a memory. I also remember having to adjust and avoid doing things that may be triggers for her. If something triggered her PTSD, I learned to leave her alone and let her come down from the trigger, another common experience among children who have parents or parental figures who have PTSD.
Marriage Relationships and PTSD
What I learned from my experience with my mom came into full force when I met and married my sweet husband. He also has PTSD, and being married to someone with PTSD has been another learning curve and experience. There are days when things are good and the PTSD symptoms are low and manageable, and there are other days that are filled with anxiety, weighted blankets, rough nights of little sleep, and minimal functioning. Each day is different and unique but it’s always worth the fight to stand next to him and help him through whatever he is dealing with that day. Some days it does take a toll on me and I have to take a break and take care of myself so that I can be a support for him, and sometimes it means I don’t get done what I want or need to because taking care of him is more important and I need to put him first.
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What You Can Do To Help
While writing this article, I asked both my mom and my husband what advice they would have for someone who is a spouse of a PTSD warrior or who knows someone who has PTSD. I’ve chosen four things that they’ve suggested to help:
Educate yourself about PTSD – Education can help a partner to understand what is going on when the person is struggling with symptoms of PTSD. It can also help them to know what to do to help the person because sometimes what we think is helpful to someone isn’t always helpful, especially when it comes to PTSD. Also be aware of where they can get help and when to get them help (Bressert, 2018).
Understand there are going to be things that are hard for the person with PTSD – Some triggers may make certain aspects of relationships difficult. The most common aspect of relationships affected by PTSD is the sexual aspect. People who have PTSD related to sexual trauma may have triggers that come from certain types of touch or may lose interest in sexual activity. This may mean sex happens less than one partner would like. If this is the case, communicate with your spouse, and be patient. Getting help from a professional can be an important resource for this particular difficulty.
Don’t take things personally – This was a huge one that my mom emphasized. Don’t take things personally. Sometimes the partner with PTSD is feeling disconnected or doesn’t want to be touched because of the trauma and so it’s best for the non-PTSD partner to not take it personally.
Be loving and patient with them – This is the biggest one for my husband. Some days the person with PTSD is struggling and they need their partner to be patient with them and let them know that they are loved. This includes not trying to fix the problem but rather be there with them while they go through it.
Option 1: If you have PTSD or know someone with PTSD talk about your experience or ask them about their experience. Talking about it helps to #endthestigma
Option 2: Watch this video (Trauma and Addiction: Crash Course Psychology #31) on YouTube to learn more about PTSD, and then share it!
Anasteece Smith is a Utah Native with dreams of becoming a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that it is a vicious cycle – once the worry begins, it can be difficult to get your brain to stop, particularly if you aren’t aware of what is triggering the stress. Luckily, there are quite a few simple research-proven tricks that you can do every day to help calm down your racing brain, and stop the worry cycle. And the best part is, most of them don’t need any sort of special equipment or training, and you can do them almost anywhere!
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is defined as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994) Because anxiety often stems from worrying about the future or the unknown, focusing on the present moment non-judgmentally by practicing mindfulness can help reduce the anxiety that you experience from day-to-day (Davis & Hayes, 2012; Evans, et. al, 2008; Hoffman, Sawyer, Witt, & Oh, 2010).
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There are several different ways that you can practice mindfulness in your life. Here are just a few for you to try:
Grounding exercises: Grounding exercises are an excellent way to help bring yourself into the present and keep your thoughts and anxiety from spinning out of control. These exercises involve honing in on one or more of the five senses to help take your focus off of the future and the unknown, and bring it back to the present. For example, if you notice yourself feeling anxious, take a few minutes to hyper-focus in on what you hear in that moment – your own breath, the rustling of your clothes, the air conditioning, someone talking in the cubicle next to you, etc. The same goes for any of the other senses. You can choose to focus on just one sense or multiple. As you practice these grounding exercises, they will help switch your brain out of panic mode, and into the present.
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Deep Breathing: Connecting to your breath is another quick and easy way to pull your mind out of anxiety and into the present moment. Breathing slowly and deeply signals to your brain to relax, and restores a sense of control and peace to your entire body. If you find yourself feeling anxious, try taking even just 3-5 deep breaths. If you need a little more, try one of these breathing exercises, or one of these options here.
P.S. There are also a lot of great phone apps that you can download that focus on helping with deep breathing!
Brushing your teeth: The art of mindfulness does not come naturally or easily to everyone, but it is something we can all practice and improve. An easy way to strengthen your own mindful awareness skills is by practicing while you perform a common everyday routine such as brushing your teeth! Move slowly and thoughtfully, and pay careful attention to the sensations. How does it feel as the bristles of the toothbrush move across your teeth, mouth, and tongue? What does the toothpaste taste like? Try to focus solely on the moment, and what you are experiencing right now. If you find your thoughts starting to wander, don’t panic! Just gently direct them back to thinking about brushing your teeth. The more you practice this, the easier it will get. You can also try this exercise with washing your hair, or eating your breakfast.
Set aside designated worry time
While it may sound counterintuitive, research has actually shown that setting aside a designated time to feel worried can reduce overall anxiety (Borkovec, Wilkinson, Folensbee, & Lerman, 1983; Mcgowan & Behar, 2013)! The idea is that setting aside time to think about your worries can help you train your brain to control how often and when you worry. This way, when you are trying to sleep, work, engage with loved ones, etc. you can calm your mind and put a stop to the anxiety cycle before it spirals out of control. Here’s how it works (adapted from Kim Pratt’s Psychology Tools: Schedule “Worry Time”):
Schedule between 15-30 minutes each day for one week as your designated “worry time”. Put it in your calendar or set an alarm to help remind you.
During your designated worry time, write down all of your worries that you can think of. Don’t feel like you have to solve them during this time. When your worry time is up, put your list away and move on with the rest of your day.
Between worry times: if you start to worry, tell yourself to let go of those thoughts until the next designated worry period. Don’t get frustrated if this is difficult at first. You may need to remind yourself over and over to let go of your worries until it’s your worry time.
At the end of the week, consider reviewing what you wrote down over the course of that week and reflect on what you see. Noticing patterns or repeat worries can help you prioritize and better address what is causing you to worry.
Repeat. Start again at the beginning of a new week! The more you practice, the better you will get at controlling when and where you worry. You can even reduce your amount of designated worry time as you improve.
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Giving voice to your emotions
Acknowledging the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing is an important way to allow them to move through you rather than hold you back as you keep them bottled up inside. One of the ways to do this is through journaling. Keeping a journal that acts as a place where you can openly and freely express your thoughts and emotions is a great way to process the worries that you are experiencing. Sometimes writing it down will be all it takes for you to feel better about a problem. Journaling can also help you keep track of things that trigger your anxiety. Understanding how your worry works can be a key to helping you learn how to manage it better!
While journaling can help you process your emotions and anxiety, it can also be really helpful to verbally acknowledge your feelings and talk with someone about what you are experiencing. Find a trusted friend or family member that you feel like you can talk to! Sometimes just saying what you are feeling can be a release, and can help you start on a path to healing. Sharing experiences also creates opportunity for empathy, for learning, and for mutual understanding. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open up to someone can also present opportunities for you to get the help you need to get through the tough days.
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Be aware that while friends and family are excellent resources, sometimes you need a little more guidance. A professional counselor or therapist can help you further process your anxiety, and give you more tools to help you manage it. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about seeing someone who has been trained for this specific purpose (read hereto learn more about why everyone needs therapy in their life)!
Remember
It’s important to acknowledge that even if you practice all of these techniques, you may still struggle with managing your anxiety. THAT IS OKAY. Be patient with yourself. As you learn to use the resources that are available to you, you will be able to manage the difficulties that life throws at you. Take it a day at a time, and focus on the present, and always remember that you are not alone.
Pick one of these anxiety-busting tricks to try out this week, and share with us how it works for you!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Over the past few years, mental health is something that has been discussed more and more openly; something that I believe is incredibly important, and worthy of celebration. There is still a lot of work to be done, however, on educating the general population about various mental illnesses, and on working to get rid of the stigma that has long surrounded the topic. That is why today, I would like to give some general information about clinical depression. I hope that knowing this information will empower you to better manage your own mental and emotional health, and will also help you recognize when those around you may be in need of some extra love, care, and help.
Here are five things you need to know about depression:
1. Depression doesn’t just mean feeling sad.
Depression is a real illness that can affect people in many different ways. While feeling sad, or having a “depressed mood” is a very common symptom, depression can also cause loss of interest in activities that normally bring you pleasure, appetite changes, issues with sleep, lack of energy or sluggishness, nervous ticks or restless activity, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, trouble concentrating, and suicidal thoughts. For me personally, depression makes me feel very tired, worthless, and apathetic towards pretty much everything. It’s not something that I can just pull myself out of or “get over”.
You need to have been experiencing symptoms of depression for 2 weeks to be diagnosed.
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It’s important to acknowledge that we all experience times of sadness in our lives. The death of a loved one, losing a job, or a difficult breakup will of course bring sadness and grief. These emotions are natural, and even a healthy part of healing. However, just because we are going through a time of difficulty does not mean that we are depressed. There are a few important distinctions outlined by the American Psychiatric Association that can help us determine if we are experiencing normal grief, or if we need to seek help and treatment for depression:
“In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.”
“In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.”
For some people, traumatic life events can bring on both grief and depression. “When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression.”
Here is a quick little 3-minute survey that can help you determine whether or not you are experiencing depression.
2. Depression can affect anyone.
This instagram campaign from 2017 #faceofdepression shows that people of all ages, races, nationalities, and backgrounds can experience depression. According to the World Health Organization, 300 million people around the world have depression, and the APA estimates that one in six people will experience depression at some point during their lifetime. There has also been a recent increase in depression among adolescents. Having money or fame, getting good grades in school, or being married or in a relationship do not make you immune. If you find yourself suffering from depression, know that you are not alone and that you are in good company (if you don’t believe me, check out this WebMD slideshow of famous people with depression that includes JK Rowling, Kristen Bell, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson).
3. Depression can be caused by a variety of things.
While depression can be triggered by many different things, there are a few factors that can make you more likely to experience depression.
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Brain Chemistry: Chemical imbalances in the brain can cause depression.
Genetics: If someone in your family suffers from depression, you are more likely to experience it as well.
Health Problems: Depression can sometimes be a side-effect of other health problems such as thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies, or hormone imbalances. If you are experiencing depression, it is important to get checked for these other problems so that they can be treated (this will often help with the depression symptoms).
Personality: People who struggle with low self-esteem, who are dealing with stress, or who are generally more pessimistic are more likely to experience depression.
Trauma: Abuse, neglect, and other traumatic or life-altering experiences can make you more susceptible to depression.
Sex: Women are actually more likely to experience depression than men.
4. Depression doesn’t have to win.
If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, there is hope! Depression is actually a very treatable disorder, and according to the APA, “between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression eventually respond well to treatment”. There are many different resources and options for dealing with depression, the most effective usually being a combination of talk therapy and medication. The first step in getting help would be to talk to your doctor. They can help recommend treatment options and refer you to other mental health resources in your area. Other important things that you can do to help beat depression are exercise, getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and taking time for self-care.
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5. When in doubt, reach out!
If you are unsure whether or not the symptoms you are experiencing are actual diagnosable depression, it is always best to reach out for help. Talk with a doctor, partner, or trusted friend or family member, and let them know you are struggling. The more we get comfortable talking about depression (and other mental illnesses), the less scary or daunting it will seem, and the more people we will empower to get the help they need!
This week, share your favorite thing you learned about depression from this article on social media. Let’s spread the word and stop the stigma!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.
How bad is the stress?
Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).
Finances
Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.
Sex
Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
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Biological Factors and Medical Treatments
Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.
Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions
Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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How to help
Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.
Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.
References
DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Think of the last time you felt lonely. Now think of the last time you were isolated. Did you think of the same time for both? Or were you isolated and not lonely, or lonely but not isolated? For me, the last time I felt lonely was when I was in a crowd – lonely, but not isolated. When I missed church due to illness, I appreciated the break from people – isolated, but not lonely. The second week in a row that I missed church due to illness, I’d had my break and I wanted to see everyone again – isolated and lonely.
Do you see the difference now? In regular life, we often don’t differentiate between feeling lonely and being isolated. In research, these are distinct concepts that must be defined: Isolation isn’t about feelings. It’s when you have few social relationships or do not have frequent social contact. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the feeling you get when you have less social connection that you want to have.
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And so it is that being isolated is not inherently unhealthy, but loneliness is. Of course, everyone feels lonely now and again. That’s perfectly normal. It is in excess when loneliness becomes dangerous. An article that looked at data from 148 different studies on social connection and mortality found that loneliness is as damaging to physical health as smoking and alcohol and is more damaging than obesity and lack of exercise.
Feeling lonely most of the time isn’t just unpleasant– It can actually shorten your lifespan.
So what do you do if you are both isolated and lonely? Start by decreasing your isolation:
Attend a creative class: Your local YMCA, community center, or craft shops likely offer classes for different creative activities – cooking, crafts, etc. You may never get good at whatever it is, but it will still give you the chance to meet people and bond over your mutual inability to make a clay mug that actually looks like a mug.
Join a local sports team or club: Explore the options in the community for competitive or recreational adult sports. If you’re into team sports, join a team – it’ll get you out of the house, get you exercise, and give you the opportunity to bond with your new teammates. If you’re into solo sports like tennis, you still need someone to play against – join a club where you can regularly find opponents, and reach out to the other players you regularly see there.
Make an effort at work: Spend time in the common areas at work, especially while those areas are being used for lunch – the more you eat lunch and make conversation with your coworkers, the more likely that you will start spending time with them outside of work too.
Volunteer: Pick a cause that means something to you and find a place nearby where you can volunteer – you’ll be making the world a better place and meeting new people at the same time.
Attend community events: Find inexpensive or free events in your community that interest you and make the time to attend some of them. While you’re there, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger – the fact that you both thought the event was worth attending means you already have something in common (even if you’re both just there for the free food).
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Now raise your hand if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still feeling lonely. If this is you, think about this:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
This idea of allowing ourselves to be seen – that is vulnerability. It is taking the risk, exposing ourselves to another person, not knowing how they are going to react. It is being courageous – telling “the story of who you are with your whole heart” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
Brené Brown’s research tells us that those who are courageous, those who are whole-hearted, “They [have] connection… as a result of authenticity. They [are] willing to let go of who they [think] they should be, in order to be who they [are].”
They allow themselves to be seen.
It is the quality of connection that matters, not the quantity. And to truly create quality connections with others, we must be authentic. We must have the courage to be vulnerable, to open up, to share things that matter deeply to us. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but it is necessary. It is fundamental to building connections with others – the connections we need in order to not feel lonely whether we’re in a crowd or staying home tonight.
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“Vulnerability is … the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
-Brené Brown
When you dare to be vulnerable, you don’t just open yourself up to deeper social connections. You also open yourself up to all the positive emotions — from not having to hide who you are for fear of judgment; from allowing yourself to really be seen and having someone accept you for who you are in your entirety. That can change your life, if you let it.
Embracing vulnerability takes time, but you can take the first step on that journey now. This week, pick one person in your life with whom you would like a deeper connection. Think about everything that person doesn’t know about you, and pick one of those things to tell that person this week. Try to not pick a safe option, something that you can predict their response to. Try to pick something to share that you aren’t sure will garner a positive reaction. See how your connection can deepen as you allow yourself to be seen.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med 7(7), 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Koyama, Y., Nawa, N., Yamaoka, Y., Nishimura, H., Sonoda, S., Kuramochi, J., Miyazaki, Y., & Fujiwara, T. (2021). Interplay between social isolation and loneliness and chronic systemic inflammation during the COVID-19 pandemic in Japan: Results from U-CORONA study. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 94, 51–59. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2021.03.007
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Option 1: If you have PTSD or know someone with PTSD talk about your experience or ask them about their experience. Talking about it helps to #endthestigma
Anasteece Smith is a Utah Native with dreams of becoming a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
